Work Text:
It's been a while.
Standing in front of the door to the Faith No More studio, I glanced at my watch. It was 8:04. I was supposed to be there at 8, but I was pretty sure none of my band mates would show up on time either. I twisted the door knob and noticed that the door has already been unlocked, which meant that I actually wasn't the first to arrive at the studio.
I entered the building and walked down the path I knew and remembered so well, despite not visiting it for almost a year at that point. Nothing had changed, yet it all seemed different.
I walked into our main rehearsal room and saw him. Mike motherfucking Patton, in the flesh. My bandmate. The man who swept me off my feet a few years ago, just to break my heart a few months after we started dating.
He was wearing a simple white T-shirt and black trousers. He hadn't changed much since the last time I saw him. His hair had grown back, but it was still shorter than before he shaved it off. His facial hair looked a bit neater, too.
He never told me the real reason why he broke up with me. He made up something about how he thought we should "just see other people". It was the most disingenuous thing he's ever told me. But I knew his reason: it was fear. I wasn't sure what he was scared of, though. Maybe seeing me at my worst scared him and he wanted to distance himself so that he could pretend it had nothing to do with him. He would be a piece of shit if that was actually true.
Maybe he was scared of how the public would react if they found out we were dating. Sure, some of his stage antics would confirm that he wasn't straight, but to the fans, it was just an act and besides, he never told the press anything. I came out because I wanted to let people know, since they still hadn't figured it out after all that time, and I got a lot of shit for it. Maybe he just didn't have it in him to announce it to the public and didn't want anyone to find out what was going on between us.
Or maybe he was just scared of himself. A man can be unsure of his identity while in his 20s. I know I was when I was his age. He might have not been sure if he really was queer and didn't even want to find out 'cause changing his entire perception of himself would require too much effort.
He may have thought it was just one big joke and never even took the whole thing seriously. There was a lot of things he didn't take seriously. Sometimes he didn't even take his job as our singer seriously, treating it as more of a side gig and making it clear that he'd rather be fucking around with his pals from Bungle than spending time with us.
I didn't know the actual reason, but fear was definitely a big factor. Still, it was no excuse to break up with me. We could've worked things out together, but he chose to walk away from the whole situation.
Mike noticed that I was staring at him. Judging by his expression, he also saw that I was experiencing mixed emotions in that moment.
"Hey dude."
His voice sounded so... careless. What an asshole. I was expecting a more elaborate greeting, but it didn't seem like he was going to continue.
"Hey, what's up?" I tried to match the casual tone of the conversation, but my voice gave me away.
A hint of concern appeared on my interlocutor's face for just a moment, but I was able to catch it.
"Not much."
"Hm." I nodded, unsure what to say. An awkward silence filled the space between us.
"Well, uh, have you seen the other guys? They're 7 minutes late." after a few very long moments, Mike glanced at the clock we had in the studio.
"Nope." my answer was as dry as it could get.
Suddenly, I heard the sound of a door being opened. We both turned our heads in the direction of where the noise came from and soon after, we were joined by the rest of our bandmates.
Practice went pretty smoothly, especially considering that we were trying out a new guitarist that we haven't played with before. His name was Jon and he used to play in a band with one of my exes, but I obviously wasn't going to judge him based on that. He seemed like a chill guy, although he knew when it was time to focus on the music instead of joking around. He understood where his instrument could take the spotlight and where it should just be another part of the instrumental. Plus, he was pretty good on guitar. He met all the requirements for Faith No More's next guitar player.
I caught myself drifting away every once in a while. I glanced at Mike, hoping that he would also look at me, but it seemed that the he was fully focused on Jon. Of course. I should've also focused on the guitarist, but I couldn't stop myself from thinking about the singer. Did he really not care at all or was he just messing with me? I could never tell.
After practice, I wasn't very eager to go home. Right as Mike was about to leave, I grabbed his hand and looked into his eyes, trying to get my point across without using words. To my relief, he only responded with a nod and stayed in the rehearsal room. Puffy gave the two of us a suspicious stare, he didn't say anything either, but I knew he was observant enough to understand what was going on and simply didn't want to interrupt.
When Jon, Puff and Billy left the studio, I noticed that I was still holding Mike's hand, so I immediately let go off it. He looked at me confused.
"What is it?" when he spoke, I could sense a hint of anxiety in his voice, but he was trying to hide it and appear just as careless as earlier. "What did you want to tell me?"
I cleared my throat.
"How have you been?"
He was surprised by the sudden question.
"What?"
"I want to know how have you been. Recently. What's going on in your life?"
"I'm good. Got a couple side projects I've been workin' on. You?" he seemingly kept his cool, but I could tell he was being very much cautious about his choice of words.
"I'm alright. Somehow made it through all that mess."
"Oh. Yeah, that." he perfectly understood what I was talking about. "Listen man, I'm sorry."
"Thanks, I guess." it was too fucking late to be sorry, but I didn't want to come off as too rude since I wanted to keep the conversation going. Unfortunately, I still wasn't sure what to say next.
"So uh. Missed me much?" he asked and a small, shy smile appeared on his face.
I shouldn't have been so vulnerable - that fucker still knew me so well despite barely talking to me in the last few years. As it turned out, he might have had no emotional intelligence whatsoever, but his strategy was still smarter than mine. He had this confident, careless persona, which meant that almost nobody knew what he was really like. It hurt, but it was true that I didn't really know either.
Maybe it was all an act. Maybe he never cared for me and just wanted to mess with me by acting like he did. He was a damn good actor and I was head over heels in love with him, so obviously I couldn't tell. I didn't want to accuse him of anything, but I had quite a bit of time to come up with some theories since the day we broke up.
"Not really." I lied, remembering all the sleepless nights I spent thinking about him.
"Oh, come on. I know you did."
I've never wanted to punch someone more in my entire life. I don't know why, but I restrained myself from acting on my impulses in that moment. I decided to resort to verbal attacks instead.
"You bastard." I mumbled.
"What was that?"
"You're a bastard, Mike." I spoke a bit louder so that he could hear me clearly. "You really think your half-assed apology would do anything? I'm sorry to break it you, but it didn't do shit. You can't expect me to forget everything that happened between us and fall in love once again for your own entertainment or to boost your ego. And if it really was just for entertainment then why the fuck did it have to be me in the first place? There are tons of girls that would die and kill for a chance with you." I paused to take a breath and continued my monologue. "Maybe dating a random fangirl wouldn't be as fun as dating your fucking band mate when you knew we'd have to see each other every once in a while in the studio."
I told him everything I wanted to say and yet it still didn't feel right. My anger was replaced by sadness.
Mike was speechless. He had to take way longer than usual to collect himself.
"Roddy, I am so fucking sorry." there he goes again. "I have to admit, when I broke up with you, I didn't think much about how it would make you feel and I am a piece of shit for that. If there is a way that I could make it up to you... then tell me, please."
That sounded like an actual apology. It felt genuine and even though I was originally angry with him, I couldn't hold the grudge much longer. Completely against my will, I felt tears coming to my eyes and just a minute later, I was already tearing up in front of Mike.
He awkwardly patted my back.
"Shhh. It's okay."
"It's not okay." I mumbled, trying my best to stop crying, but all I could do was clench my teeth so I wouldn't start sobbing. I felt embarrassed, but it was necessary to get all feelings out of my system so I could feel better.
Suddenly, my band mate hugged me tightly. I was surprised, but I returned the hug, resting my head on his shoulder. I left tear stains on his shirt, but he didn't seem to mind.
Having the chance to hold him in my embrace once again brought me comfort, but with a hint of nostalgia. It was just like 92, when we were in love and life didn't seem so bad 'cause we had each other, before it all went to shit. I had missed those times so fucking badly.
"Thanks a lot for this." I sniffled.
"Oh please, it's the least I can do." I couldn't see his face, but I knew he was smiling.
I raised my head to look at him. He did have a smile on his face, but it wasn't a mocking grin this time, it was this small, soft one that I haven't seen in a long time. My tears were blocking my vision a bit, but he still looked beautiful.
"Hey Mike?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I kiss you?"
His smile widened.
"Of course."
I took one of my hands off his back and grabbed his face, stroking his cheek with my thumb. As soon as my face started to get closer to his, he leaned in and kissed me.
When our lips parted, he smiled once again.
"I missed you a lot, actually." I admitted, still a bit embarrassed.
"I missed you too."
"Why did you break up with me in the first place?"
The question made his grin disappear immediately. It took him about a minute to find the right words.
"Do I have to tell you?"
"You wanted to know how you could make it up to me so yes, you have to say it. I can forgive you after you tell me the truth."
He sighed.
"I was scared. I have never dated a guy before that, so I didn't really know what to do, it was scary. And I was afraid of anyone finding out, I thought it'd ruin my career 'n I know that relationships are more important than a career, but I didn't know that back then. I let that fear control me more than I'd like to admit. I don't know why I let that happen. You were always so fucking nice to me and I know now that you could've helped me deal with all that bullshit. And I should've helped you deal with your own issues, too. I made a lot of stupid decisions in my life and breaking up with you was one of them."
My theories turned out to be right, it really was fear that made him act that way.
"Alright, I forgive you." I smiled and hugged him again. "I like when you're honest with me."
"I love you, y'know?"
That simple sentence made me so happy.
"I love you too, Mike." my tears had dried up at that point, so I was able to bury my head in his shoulder without staining the fabric. If I could, I'd never let go off him. I wanted to kiss him while holding him in my embrace. I wanted to hold his hand and reassure him that it would be okay when he felt anxious. I wanted to run my hand through his hair while he laid on my chest and talked about random stuff. I wanted to stare into his warm brown eyes without saying anything. I wished it would stay this way forever. "You don't even know how much I love you."