Work Text:
“Claire, can you – Claire? Claire.” Grace gave up in exasperation and marched the five steps from the till to the space next to the espresso machine where Claire was leaning ridiculously far out on the bar.
“Oi!” Grace shouted into Claire’s ear.
Claire jumped and almost smashed the back of her head into Grace’s chin. “Ahh!” she yelled in surprise.
The patrons of Steam and Cream paid the shouting absolutely no mind.
“What are you doing?” Grace asked.
Claire pointed to a table across the café and next to the large, frosted windows. “I’m trying to decide if they are on a first date.”
“What??” Grace gasped and also leaned around the espresso machine, comically flattening Claire’s body against the bar beneath hers.
At the table, Bea glanced around nervously. She loved reading as much as the next person, but, um, it was very strange that everyone in this coffee shop seemed to be flipping through cheaply printed leaflets with rapt attention. Most of them looked like printer paper folded over and stapled together in the middle. That wasn’t the oddest thing happening in the shop. Just the one she was currently fixated on.
Ed had slacked her that morning back at the office and asked if she wanted to grab coffee. When she thumbs uped his message he immediately replied with a google maps link to a coffee shop around the corner and a message that said, “wanna try here? 10:30?”. Her stomach had done flipflops while she sat still in her office chair. Ed was cute and she’d fantasized about making a move on him for months but didn’t have the courage. They often had one-on-one meetings and collaborations in the office, but coffee was new. She wondered if this was just a work thing or if Ed wanted to get them out of the office for a reason.
“Nah,” said Grace, still leaning out to studying the couple.
“Ok. Hear me out.” Clair wriggled her arms free from where she was sandwitched between Grace and the bar. She held her hands out in front of both their faces and counted her points off on her fingers. “One: he paid for the drinks.”
Grace interrupted, “It was a company card. It said so on the screen.”
“Damn.” Clair muttered. “Well, that’s going to be hard to explain on his expense report. Ok, two: she ordered a double espresso. Which people only do when they are trying to impress someone.”
“That’s not true. Hipster bros order that by themselves all the time.”
“They’re trying to impress the *world*, Grace,” Claire said sagely.
Ed sipped his americano in an attempt to be nonchalant. He was desperately afraid he had got this terribly wrong. “Steam and Cream” had sounded cozy and casual in the google search results. But when he walked up to the cafe, he was shocked to realize that the logo he thought was innocuous coffee splashes when he saw it on his phone screen actually made the shape of a naked woman when printed full-size on the front door. But, after all, Starbucks was tits out in the 90’s. He swept the door open quickly for Bea to walk in ahead of him, hoping she wouldn’t notice.
Unfortunately for him, the inside wasn’t any better. All the decorations were weirdly suggestive and the specials board had something called a “Drarry” which he was too afraid to order. And the baristas kept making announcements laced with inuendo. It was 10:45 in the morning and what was supposed to be a casual cup of coffee with his office crush seemed to be happening in a thinly disguised sex dungeon.
“What are you doing?” Josie asked flatly. Her two baristas both jumped. But since they were still leaning over each other on the bar it created a comedic newton’s cradle where Claire smacked into Grace and Grace stumbled back into Jose who only just managed to save herself by catching the edge of the milk fridge. All three women shrieked, but again, the patrons of Steam and Cream remained unphased. Except the newbies by the window, who looked around in concern.
“Claire thinks they’re on a first date,” Grace said, hitching a thumb at the couple.
“I told you, you only order – “
“That cannot be your only piece of evidence – “
“I’m just saying – “
“This would be a terrible place for a first date!”
“But if you look at their body language –“
Josie rolled her eyes and hit a button under the counter. It played a loud single-note tone and cut the argument mid-syllable. Grace and Claire froze and looked at her expectantly.
“Ok,” Josie said with authority, “Tie-breaker special?”
Ed was panicking now, and talking about work, because, what else was there to talk about?? A third (THIRD) couple had just stood up from a table, started making out and stumbled behind a door clearly labeled “Janitor’s Closet”. Three people in the corner seemed to be wearing wigs and reading parts out from the leaflets and everyone had. But if he ignored all of that and just talked about this quarter’s series of upcoming deadlines, then maybe Bea wouldn’t run away from him screaming after he asked her out here.
Bea stared down at her empty espresso cup. It had sounded sophisticated and refined on the menu board. And much, much safer than whatever a Drarry was. But of course she forgot that mostly what it was was small. And now it was gone and she had nothing to do with her hands and Ed kept rambling on about deadlines that they’d rehashed at least ten times already. Did he think she was an idiot who’d forgotten everything? She hadn’t, but her brain did feel strangely empty as she tried to ignore everything going on around her. There was a woman sitting behind Ed and her face was going on a *journey* as she read something titled “Leather and Lemon”.
An announcement crackled over the speaker. “Attention steamy steads, frothy females, and nonbinary beans: We are currently doing two-for-one coffees for anyone who’s on a first date. In order to claim this special deal, you will have to admit that you’re on a first date. Uh, me and my co-worker have a bet going about which of you guys is on a first date and uh, we wanna know who’s right. So, um, two-for-one coffees for… anyone… on a first date. Thank you.”
In a crazed gesture, Bea reached out and grabbed Ed’s hand. “Let’s do it!” she said desperately. Ed stammered to a halt in the middle of a sentence about upcoming projections. He staired at Bea’s hand gripping his, and then remembered to meet her eyes.
“I, uh, what?” He asked.
“Two for one drinks if you pretend to be on a first date!” Bea repeated, her voice manic. Over Ed’s shoulder she watched as the reading woman open her eyes wide and let out a suggestive gasp. “My espresso is gone, and your coffee looks like it’s cold,” Bea hoped that the sound of her voice would cover anything else going on behind them. “Let’s pretend to be dating and get a free coffee!”
“They’re coming! They’re coming!” Claire hissed from her lookout position behind the pastry case. Grace waved her off and continued listing the specials to the customer on the other side of the till.
“That comes with a simple… mocha. Just a mocha. Something everyone will enjoy.” They had come up with the first date special to settle the argument but had forgotten to create any other specials for the day. Distractedly, Grace handed a pre-printed smut story to the customer and tried to arrange her face into an expression of neutrality as their chosen targets approached. Claire blindly patted the espresso machine, looking for the ingredients to start a mocha without taking her eyes off the couple. Hand in hand the two approached the register.
“Excuse me?” Bea asked nervously. “Me and my co- uh, dater… me and my co-dater heard you have a special today?”
She was gripping Ed’s hand like a lifesaver, but he didn’t mind the pressure.
Grace narrowed her eyes and leaned closer. “Oh yeah? Which special? We have lots.”
Claire cleared her throat above the sound of the steamer wand in the pitcher of milk she was working on. “I think they want the FIRST DATE special, Grace. Isn’t that right?” She asked pointedly of Bea and Ed.
“Mmmhmm.” Bea squeaked nervously and Ed held up their clasped hands and agreed “Yeppers!” (“yeppers”?? he thought to himself, horrified. He’d never said that before in his life.)
“Oh that’s soooo sweeeeeet,” Grace said, her voice full of fake honey. Then her eyes grew steely, and she demanded “How’d’ya meet?”
“Bumble-“
“-the park.”
“Uh, yeah. Bumble and then first date at the park, right sweety?”
“I thought this was your first date.” Grace demanded. Claire started to spray whipped cream on the mocha, crestfallen that her theory was wrong.
“Oh! No I mean – “
“Uh, no, it wasn’t a date at the park. It was a dog park, yeah, and uhh, I recognized her from Bumble and um – “
“He asked if I wanted to get coffee-“
“And now here we are!”
The two stumbled to a halt, flushed and grinning at the conclusion of their story.
“Uh hu…” Grace said slowly, clearly not buying the bit. “So, how’s it going?”
“Great!” Ed beamed. “I mean, look at her. She’s so cute, who wouldn’t fall in love?” Bea cut him a startled glance as he continued. “She’s smart and funny, and keeps me in line. She could run rings around me, really. I’m so luck to get to work with her – “ Bea squeezed his hand in panic, “-on this relationship!” he finished quickly. “So, so lucky to work on this relationship – with her.”
Bea smiled up at him through her eyelashes and said, “He’s a dream, really. He’s so kind and thoughtful. I know he’s always got my back and, did you see him open the door for me when we came in? Such a gentleman.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, first date and you’re madly in love. Fine, what’ya drinking?”
Ed grinned at Bea in success, and the confidence of the con buoyed him. “Two Drarrys?”
“Yeah, two Drarrys.” Bea agreed with a smile that was pure sunshine.
“For here or to go?”
“To go, we have to get back to work,” Ed said distractedly as he stared into Bea’s eyes.
“What? You work together too??” Grace accused.
“Yeah,” Ed said with a laugh, “Just one of those things.”
“Just one of those things,” Bea agreed dreamily.
Bea and Ed collected their drinks and left the shop, still hand in hand.
“I told you!” Grace and Clair rounded on each other and yelled at the same time.
“What do you mean??”
“That was an obviously fake story – “
“Who would make up a story for a cup of coffee?”
“-never seen two people so bad at lying-“
“That’s absurd!”
From her office in the back Josie hit the buzzer again to cut the argument.
On the other side of the frosted window, Ed whispered something in Bea’s ear. She grinned and pressed her lips to his in the middle of the sidewalk. Completely out of sight of the bickering baristas.