Work Text:
Wei Wuxian steps through the threshold of the Jingshi, expecting to find his husband calmly waiting for him with a book in hand. What he doesn’t expect though, is to find Lan Wangji standing stiff and straight as metal, silently watching the wall with wide eyes.
“Lan Zhan? What are you looking at?”
There was no response from the man. It looked like he had tuned out the world, not even paying attention to his Wei Ying. So a curious and worried Wei Wuxian headed over to where he was standing and peered over at what he was observing so intently. When he saw, his face immediately lost color and a cold sweat drenched him. He was now in a very similar state to Lan Wangji.
There was a huge, very big, size-of-his-palm spider sitting on the far wall of the Jingshi. Suddenly, the spider moved a little. Lan Wangji immediately lost two shades of color in his face and he vanished seemingly into thin air. When he noticed this, Wei Wuxian immediately snapped out of it, still scarred from the horrifying sight.
“Lan Zhan, baby, why are you on the ceiling?” He asked, laughing at the fact that Hanguang-jun was so scared of spiders. Well… this one was particularly big, but still.
“Wei Ying, get rid of it.”
“I’m offended that you think I’m going anywhere near that thing. Lan Zhan, I think we need to move out. Maybe even destroy the entire Jingshi just to be sure.”
“Wei Ying.” Lan Wangji’s voice was strained.
“Fine… I’ll try. But no guarantees, so don’t be mad at me if it escapes.” He relented.
So Wei Wuxian went to go search for a slipper. He found one near the bed. It was Lan Wangji’s but he didn’t need to know about that. He slowly approached the offending eight legged beast, peered up at his husband (who was still hanging on the ceiling) and slapped at the spider without looking.
The horrible thing let out a quiet screech and scuttled away, making all the leftover life in both Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian’s eyes burn out. Without another word, the both ran out of the Jingshi.
“Why did you let it get away!?” Said the white clad man, very obviously trying to keep his voice from raising.
“S’not my fault! I told you I was just as scared as you, you big idiot! Argh, now we have to burn down all of the Cloud Recesses!” Cried the otherwise mischievous Wei Wuxian.
“Wangji?” came a calm voice, “Is something the matter?”
It was Lan Xichen.
“Xichen-ge! There was a huge, and when I say huge I mean humongous the-size-of-my-hand huge spider in the Jingshi! I tried to kill it because Hanguang-jun here was too scared to do it and it ran away somewhere. Now we can’t go in there~!”
Seeing that he was being not-so-subtly insulted, Lan Wangji pinched his husbands waist, hard.
“Ow! Hey, Lan Zhan, what was that for?!”
They had tried to ask Lan Xichen for help, but his face became equally as pale as the couple’s and he started stuttering over his words.
“W-well, I… I wish you the best of luck haha!” He said before turning around to scurry off.
“Wait! Xichen-ge, you can’t do this to us! Don’t tell me all the Lans are scared of spiders!” Wei Wuxian slapped his forehead.
What were they supposed to do!? There was a huge tarantula monster crawling around in their room somewhere and there was no one to get rid of it!
His thought was interrupted when Sizhui walked over to them, concern on his face. He had been walking to his afternoon class when he heard all the ruckus, and when he went to check out the situation he found both of his fathers practically crying on their porch.
“Hanguang-jun? Wei-qianbei? Is everything alright?” He asked courteously.
Wei Wuxian looked shocked and relieved to see him, but Lan Wangji had still not relaxed. He seemed to be muttering something under his breath, something that sounded a lot like… kill it?
“Sizhui! Will you please please pretty please help us? There a small spider in our room and we need someone to get rid of it. We can’t do it ourselves because… um… Hanguang-jun here has a very deep trauma that comes all the way from childhood, leaving him terrified in the face of anything eight-legged.”
The second jade of Lan was appalled at the blatant lies coming out of his mouth. Firstly, the spider in the Jingshi was certainly not “small” and secondly there was no trauma… just a very powerful fear that both he and his brother had inherited from their mother. But there was no need to let Sizhui know of this, and if he thought the spider was small there was more chances he’d get rid of it, so he let the fibs slide for know, making sure to remember to punish his husband later…
Anyway, Sizhui glanced at the petrified pair, and he felt sympathetic so he agreed to get rid of the so called tiny monster. After getting permission to enter the Jingshi, he looked around for a bit before letting out a completely out of character shriek.
“Wei-qianbei, excuse me, but you call this a small spider?! It’s bigger than my head!” There was no reply.
Seeing that he had no other choice, he found a slipper that had been discarded on the floor, and threw it very strongly and precisely in the direction of the offending creature. It hit the spider dead on, and it dropped to the floor before curling its limbs. Out of breath, Sizhui found a dirty handkerchief to stuff it in and threw it out of the window into the bushes.
“Hanguang-jun, it’s done! You can come back in now.”
Looking very relieved, Lan Wangji’s face gradually gained its color back. He entered his home once again, thank the boy and kicked him out, and turned to Wei Wuxian.
“You lied earlier.” He said.
“Huh? When? Oh, then? My love, I was just trying to save you some face!”
“Lying is forbidden in the Cloud Recesses.”
“Then I must be punished, huh?”
Lan Wangji proceeded to show his husband exactly what his punishment was.