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“Remus?” Sirius asked from the couch.
“Yes?”
“”Will you run through some lines with me? There’s this romance scene coming up in the play and I just can’t get it right.”
Remus looked up at him from the small kitchen. “Sure,” he said, coming to sit next to him. Sirius handed Remus a paper and gave him a moment to look over it.
“Okay, go.”
Sirius cleared his throat. “Mary, wait.” Sirius grabbed Remus’s arm.
“What is it, Bernard?”
“Mary, you mustn’t go with him! I cannot let you!”
“But why?” Remus asked with surprise, keeping his eyes trained on the paper.
“You want to know why? Why, I’ll tell you! I may be a blithering fool for this, but I will!” Sirius ran his hands through his hair and looked deep into Remus’s eyes with a frantic passion. “Mary, I'm in love with you. From the day your eyes graced mine my heart was yours, and I would be the greatest liar if I said my soul did not quickly follow. My mind is plagued with thoughts of you- a curse if brought on by any other than yourself, for with you it is a blessing. In every beautiful thing I see, I see you in it. In every one of Ronald’s horrible plain jokes, I see your hidden smile.” Sirius chuckled softly and looked away, only to snap right back to Remus’s eyes (which had somehow gotten lost in his) and brush his jaw with the backs of his fingers. Remus’s breath caught, but Sirius didn’t seem to notice. “In every painting of a beautiful woman I look for you, but I never find you. And I have come to realise that this is because every beautiful woman that has come before was only ever a preface to your beauty, and they all become positively ghastly in your shadow. You have a heart of gold, love of mine. A heart of gold and a mind to match it, which is seldom found. Mary, if you love me as I do you, leave him. Leave him and come away with me, please. I can offer you everything he cannot and I do so with a promise of eternal love. You are my everything.”
It took Remus a second to gather his brain and remember what was happening, and another second to realise it was most likely his turn to speak. And it took him only a few more to understand that he wasn’t going to be able to speak at all. Instead he settled for a tight smile and what he hoped was an encouraging nod of the head before he bolted out of the door of their flat.
…
“Okay honey, what happened?”
Remus was sitting on the Potter's couch, a cup of tea and chocolate bar in hand, wiping tears from his eyes.
“Lily.. oh, Lily, it’s so stupid! I’m being so- so childish! I don’t-“ he broke off, not sure what to say.
“Just walk me through it, hon.”
“Well- well, Sirius was confessing his love for Mary— well Bernard was anyway— and he was- he was saying all these things and looking in my eyes as if he meant them and then- and then his hand was on my face.. and god, Lily, I know I blew my chance with him, I know I messed it up and that’s all my fault, but I just.. I realised that he’s the only one for me. I realised that what I wanted more than anything in the world was for him to say those things to me and mean them. I was a fool and a coward to toss it away when I had it. I don’t know what I was thinking. After all these years of wishing and..”
Lily sighed and hugged him.
“So, what did you say?”
“I kind of just ran out.”
Lily raised her eyebrows. “Without saying anything? And then you came straight here?”
Remus bit his lip and nodded, looking at the ground.
“What… what do you think I should do?”
“Well.. I think you need to be honest with him. Tell him you made a mistake last June, and.. well, you two can figure it out from there.”
“I don’t want to upset him by bringing it up.”
“Not to be harsh, love, but I don’t think bringing it up could upset him anymore than it already has. Especially if it could be good news.”
June 16th, 1978
There was a knock on the door, and Remus looked up, startled. Anyone who came to visit knew them well enough to simply walk in. Setting down his book, he opened to the door to find Sirius, which only baffled him further.
“You know you live here right? I dont think you’ve knocked on that door since we bought the place.”
“Right, er- sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”
Remus stared at him with raised eyebrows. “You coming in?”
Mumbling something incoherent, Sirius sat down on the couch with Remus close behind. “Are you ill?” he asked. Sirius only shook his head. “High off your arse? Drunk? Otherwise incapacitated?” This elicited a small, nervous chuckle from Sirius, but he shook his head again. “No. No, I um.. I wanted to talk to you actually. About something. Important. And stuff.” Seeing Sirius in any way unsure of himself would have made him laugh himself silly under other circumstances. As it was, Remus was mostly worried. What on Earth could be talking about that would cause such a show of nerves?
“Okay? I’m listening.”
Sirius was quiet for a second more before blurting out, “We’ve been friends for a long time.”
“...yes, I’m fairly sure I know that,” he said slowly.
“Like, a long time. And you, um. You’ve…” He stopped, running a hand through his hair. He muttered something and, although Remus wasn’t quite sure, he thought it sounded like ‘God I’m more hopeless than James was’, but that would make no sense. What did James have to do with this? Sirius sighed, and then sat for a moment, seeming to try and build up his courage. Finally, very quietly, Sirius spoke. “I’m completely gone for you, Moony. I have been for too long to keep track of, and I needed to tell you. I haven't sooner because I've been scared to mess up our friendship, but lately I’ve.. I dunno. I suppose I can’t bring myself to be so close but so far away. I just need you to know.” Nervous eyes met his own baffled ones, and for a moment Remus was euphoric. Sirius! Sirius Black, the same Sirius he had loved for years, just said those words! But then he thought about it, and about what a relationship meant. It meant love and happiness, yes, but it meant more than that for Sirius. He didn’t care now when he was young and reckless, sure, but eventually there would be things he wanted that Remus simply couldn’t give him. And beyond that, there were problems Remus had that SIrius didn't need to feel responsible for any more than he already did. It would be a hell of an uneven deal, and he just couldn’t do that to Sirius. He was too good, deserving of too much more than Remus could ever hope to give him.
“Sirius, I…” Remus bit his lip, unable to believe what he was about to say. “I’m so sorry. I can’t.”
He watched as Sirius quickly put on what Remus recognised as his brave face, and nodded. “Of course, I never meant to try to… I mean, I wasn’t expecting… That's fine, Moons. Um, I just have to run to the store real quick, I think we’re out of, er, tea. I’ll be back.”
But oh, did Remus know him too well for such a mask to fool him. He had seen the split-second look in his eyes of pain and desperation.. A look he had put there.
Remus let him go, and fell back on the couch as the door closed. What kind of hell was this?
Present Day
Quiety, Remus walked back into their flat. Sirius was in the kitchen, making up a cup of coffee. “Hey,” Remus said nervously. Sirius turned his head to look at him, and then smiled. “Hey.”
“I’m sorry about running off earlier.”
“It’s fine, though I did worry a bit. Are you okay?” Sirius asked, turning around and leaning on the counter.
“Not really.”
Sirius’s eyebrows knitted together in concern. “Was it something I did?”
“No, actually, it was something I did.”
“Oh?”
Remus took a deep breath and tried to look up at him, but his eyes seemed to be glued to his shoes. “Sirius, I… I made a mistake. Last June, when you… I got scared. I was scared that I would hold you back, but I’ve realised that you knew everything that could happen. You knew what being with me might mean, and you still wanted that. It wasn’t my place to make that decision for you, but I thought it was. All this is to say-- and I know it might well be too late, and if it is I’ll live with my mistake, but-- I’m in love with you Sirius. If it’s not too late.” Finally, he was able to tear his eyes away from his feet. Sirius’s face was passive, considering the information. He bit his lip. This was what it came down to; right here, right now.
“You’re right,” Sirius said slowly. “I did know. I know what it will be like during moons, and the mornings after. I know what money will be like, what with only one of us having a job. I know the risks of people, and the government. I know we could never get married, or have real children. I know all of it. And right again: it wasn’t your choice. I chose you despite all those things, because I love you. Because you outweigh it all ten-fold. I still choose you, Rem. I always will.”