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I have not known peace since I sneezed in the ready room while doing regular system maintenance. All three of my SecUnits froze completely. For half a second, I thought another major security event was happening.
“You made a sound.” 01 said slowly.
“I did, 01.” I sniffled. I felt like I was drowning in my own snot. “Very good observation.”
“That was not a typical human sound.”
I sighed as best I could. It was a little gooey. “I’m fine.”
“You are ill.”
“It’s just some virus I picked up from the last station. It’ll work itself out.”
Virus was a word they understood. Suddenly, 02 and 03 were looking very worried.
“You are compromised?” 02 slowly set its box of projectiles on the floor.
“Will it damage your software?” 03 tipped its head.
“Humans don’t have software, 03.” I turned back to my SecSystem report. I didn’t actually need to read those, but 01 had basically absorbed all of my responsibilities and I had no idea what to do with my time. I would question the necessity of handlers, but none of the crew wanted to interact with the SecUnits, so there was my job security. “I’ll be fine.”
“MedSystem recommends taking at least 3 to 5 days of rest while ill.” 01 recited. I couldn’t actually tell if that was a buffer phrase. It and 03 were known to get creative with those every once in a while.
“Too much to do.” I shrugged. “Besides, my contract doesn’t include sick days.”
“Will you die?” 03 asked.
I looked up at it. “No, 03. I won’t die.” I smiled as well as I could. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t very convincing. “I promise.”
Not dying was proving to be more of a task than I expected it to be.
After 3 meetings where I absorbed absolutely nothing, I wanted nothing more than a good 12 hour nap. Unfortunately, I still had an equipment check and 2 other meetings to sit through before settling into the chilly embrace of my bed.
Halfway through my subpar check of cameras that absolutely worked and had been polished less than a cycle ago thanks to 01, I realized that 01 was hovering in my blind spot. I wasn’t following any of its patrol routes, and I shouldn’t have crossed paths with any of the SecUnits if they were doing what I told them to.
Of course, they weren’t. No governor modules meant no handler control, which I was still trying to get used to. Sometimes, I wish that freedom manifested in mass murder instead of unshakable anxiety.
“01. I told you. I am fine.” I sighed.
“I am concerned about your health.” Its whole deadpan thing was amplified by the helmet. “MedSystem recommends-”
“2 to 5 days of rest. I heard you the first time, 01.” I smiled back at it. “But I don’t have time for that. I’ll rest during the rest period.”
“If you do not adequately rest, your body will force a shut down.”
“That’s not how humans work.”
“It is analogous.”
“What?”
01 linked the definition of “analogous” in the ship database, which I thought was kind of rude.
“Give it a few days, I’ll be okay.” I checked another camera off in the feed. Eight other cameras had been checked since I last checked it. I guess 01 wasn’t the only semi-omniscient crew member watching.
“Alternatively, you will be dead.”
“I’m not going to die.”
“You do not know that.”
“Yes, I do.” I sighed, but it turned into a sharp, wet fit of coughs. 01 hovered a little closer. “Believe it or not, but this isn’t my first station-borne illness.”
“Previous exposures to damaging illnesses can lower the likelihood of survival for future infections, particularly if your previous exposures were treated like this. You need to rest”
“Did MedSystem tell you that?” I sniffled. One of the engineering interns shuffled past us without making eye contact. I must look insane.
“Yes.”
“Well, MedSystem has never had a cold.”
“This does not fit the symptoms of your home planet’s common cold. Are you feeling light headed or having difficulty breathing?”
I was, but I absolutely wasn’t telling it that. “No. I’m fine. Please let me do my job.”
We can accomplish this task for you. You may take this time to rest.
If the crew doesn’t see me doing this, they’re going to suspect something.
2 thirds of my previous handlers have shifted this particular task to us with no issue. 01 provided the names and EIDs of all of those handlers, just in case I wanted to verify that, I guess? Most of them were dead. Additionally, 6 of the 12 attendees of this morning’s meetings have discussed your health with other members of the crew. The only thing the crew would suspect is that you are ill, which is accurate.
I can do this, 01.
You do not have to.
I coughed and checked my list. There were only 2 cameras left and both were within my sight. Let me do these last 2, then I’ll go to bed, but you have to wake me up when it’s time for my meetings.
That is an acceptable compromise.
I didn’t make it to my bed. I knew that. I think I collapsed against the wall just inside the door.
Somehow, though, I woke up tucked tightly into my uncomfortable bunk with a soft blanket that absolutely wasn’t mine. 01 was shaking my shoulder gently with a cold hand.
I groaned and rolled over. For about 4 blissful seconds, I could breathe through both of my nostrils. “01. Whose blanket is this?”
“I had the BotPilot print it for you. It has been experimenting with softer materials and welcomed the opportunity to test its theories.” 01 kept its voice soft and gentle. I think it had the same tone while talking 03 out of shooting me. “You have 33 minutes before your meeting.”
“Ugh.” I wiped my hand over my face. It came away with a string of snot. 01 looked completely disgusted as it held out my box of tissues. I would have laughed if I didn’t think that would dislodge a sinus.
“I brought tea and soup.” 01 stepped away from me. “02 made them. I do not understand the stove mechanism.”
The image of 01, who could probably manually control every aspect of this ship with minimal effort, struggling with a device that was essentially a single button was hilarious.
“Thank you for bringing it, 01.” I swung my legs out of bed. “Could you step out so I can change?”
“Affirmative, Handler. I will wait for you in the conference room.”
“Handler Aludra!” Captain snapped. My chair jolted as weapons supervisor Clark kicked it under the table. I guess I dozed off again. “This is a very important meeting. You know we’re already behind schedule because of that whole-” they made a gesture at 01. “-kidnapping thing.”
“It was a fucking mutiny, caused by your hand picked idiots.” Clark snapped. Said idiots were still in the cargo hold and would stay there until we got back to the distribution center in about 180 cycles. “If you had listened to me about background checks, none of this would have happened and we’d be on time.” She crossed her arms. “So don’t go fucking with my employees for your mistakes. I bet Aludra would be healthy and well rested if we weren’t escorting prisoners and training the interns on the fly.” Clark pointed at the shiny new engineering supervisor who looked about ready to faint. He wasn’t the only one.
“Let’s keep this professional, Clark.” Captain rubbed their temples. “You too, Handler.”
“Nah, fuck this.” Clark stood up. “Report to your quarters, Handler. Don’t attend another stupid fucking meeting until I tell you to.”
Captain sighed. “Clark, we talked about this.”
“Play shitty games, win shitty prizes, Cap. Go, Handler.”
“The SecUnit handler’s attendance at these meetings is critical.”
“You don’t sign her checks and you don’t fucking listen to her anyway, so fuck off. When you can admit that you fucked up, we’ll talk. Until then, you’re not getting shit from me or my underlings.”
I just sighed another damp sigh and stood up. I nearly toppled over, which 01 did not miss, but I made it home just fine.
According to 01, who was forced to stay for the remainder of that meeting, Clark and Captain spent the next 4 hours yelling at each other. According to 03, who had more gossip than anyone I had ever met, they then snuck off to a supply closet in engineering. It offered to show me the video clip from inside, but I really, really didn’t want to see that.
While those 2 were doing whatever they did, 02 was doing a very convincing impression of every media parent I’d ever seen. It was kind of endearing.
Then again, I had too many mugs of tea and more bowls of suspiciously gray soup than I could count. I didn’t even know this ship had that many mugs and bowls and I had no idea who was going to wash them. The kitchen staff would have my head.
Then again, I did catch 02 shoving a cup of cold tea straight into a recycler, so maybe it would be the BotPilot I’d have to deal with.
“You guys really don’t have to do this.” I curled into the blanket 03 had found for me.
“We know.” 03 swiped some mugs and bowls off the bed, causing a short exchange in the SecUnit feed and a maintenance request. “But we want to. Besides, if you died, we’d operate under Weapons Supervisor, and no one wants that.”
“Clark isn’t that bad.”
“She is scary.” 02 shook its head as it moved 03’s pile of armor onto my desk. It wasn’t wrong. “01 thinks she is reasonable though.”
“01’s definition of reasonable is flawed.” 03 crawled into bed beside me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. My feverish cheek met cold metal. I narrowly resisted the urge to ask how low its temperature regulation was. Staying this low for too long could damage its cooling system. “It considers Handler a reasonable human.”
I snorted at that, which was a terrible idea. A glob of snot rolled down my face until 02 shoved way too many tissues into my lap. 03 didn’t seem bothered by it.
“Handler is the furthest thing from reasonable.” 02 shuffled more bowls into the recycler.
“I’m not sure any handler is reasonable. That's not something the recruiters look for.” I settled against 03’s shoulder. It wasn’t particularly comfortable, or comfortable at all, but neither was breathing and I was still doing that.
There was a lot to think about, but I fell asleep to the soft whirring of 03’s chest and the soft tap of 02’s boots against the floor of my cabin and nothing else seemed to matter, including the whistle of my breath and the pounding in my head and the complete absurdity of falling asleep on a SecUnit while a second putters around cleaning up and yet another complains about my coworkers in the feed.