Chapter Text
His lips were nothing like Kelley's. They did not taste like peppermint, and they scratched her cheek when he brushed them against her. She couldn't remember why she'd kissed him in the first place, only that her eyes were open when she leaned in, and Kelley O'Hara walked in the door just as their lips met. There were moments in Hope's life that she would never forget: amazing saves, her first love, the first time she stepped onto the field to play in a real USA international match. But the look on Kelley's face when she saw them kissing was one that would remain burned into her memory, no matter how hard she tried to forget, no matter how many bottles of alcohol she drowned herself in. When she locked her gaze onto Kelley's even as the bartender's tongue begged access to her mouth, she did not break it. Eyes were the window to the soul, and Hope Solo watched Kelley's heart break through her light, amber, innocent eyes. She took one step into the bar, as if not daring to believe the sight in front of her, and then ran out. Hope broke the kiss, pushed the bartender away and gave chase.
Kelley stopped in midstep when she heard Solo call her name. She whirled around and it was the first time Hope saw her cry outside of a game.
"Why?" She asked.
"I don't know." Hope replied with a shrug more casual than she meant.
“I have been in love with you since the first day you asked me to be your roommate, when you hung that poster of me in the bedroom and said it was your favorite thing in the world. I can’t do this, ok? I’m not like…like Wambach and Sarah. I want us to be in love, ok, and tell the whole world. I want to sit an an open air cafe when we’re there for a game and I want to hold your hand have everyone see. You stood up for me when everyone else thought I was just a nobody, a sub who caught an easy break because of an injury.”
Hope closed the gap between them and kissed her before she could break her heart anymore. Kelley was wearing the peppermint chapstick again, and this time, those lips felt right. Tears ran down her cheeks and spilled onto Kelley’s. When was Kelley so short, so lithe? When did she seem so small and vulnerable? Kelley let out a small, choked sob and pulled away as far as she could and Hope, for all her muscle, her strength, and reaction, could not hold onto her. She reached out and grabbed at air but Kelley was already halfway down the street with speed that Hope could not fathom to match.
When Hope got back to the room, she opened the door and prayed that Kelley would be there. But the room was dark and empty, the bed still in the disarray that they had left it. Hope stared at the rumpled sheets, the discarded clothes and wondered how something could have gone so bad in such a short time. Just a few hours ago, she was playfully poking Kelley’s bare stomach, watching her writhe away shrieking. The defender may not have had weak spots on the field, but stripped from her clothing, with her innocence shining in her eyes, she had many - both physical and emotional.
She let the door close and let the darkness overtake her in the room. She trudged towards the bed and lay down, wrapping herself in the sheets until all she could see was black and all she could smell was the Dove shampoo that Kelley. She was in her thirties, well traveled and more experienced than 90% of the team, but breaking Kelley O’Hara’s heart made her feel like she was 17 and doing it for the first time. She counted on one hand the number of times she had casually thrown out “I love you” and thought that there might not be a number large enough for the times Kelley said it and meant it. And despite herself, despite the fact that she had intended to end it, a sentence leaked out into the empty room. “Come back. I miss you.” The words hung in the air, ringing with their truth and Hope whispered it over and over, repeating like a mantra that would make the door open and the light pour in again.
She must have dozed off for an hour because when she awoke to soft knocking, it was well past 1:00. Her heart leapt in spite of herself and she flung the covers off to answer. If she had been more coherent, she might’ve known it wasn’t going to be Kelley, it was their room after all. But she was still half asleep, still half dreaming of the way Kelley’s lips grazed her ear every morning to murmur a gentle “wake up, Hope.” When she swung the door open, an angry Lauren Cheney shoved her back a few steps.
“Your mess, you deal with it.” Lauren hissed, jerking her thumb back towards her own room. Lauren was never, ever mad. To get her this riled up, well, Hope didn’t need an explanation. Every thought she had was of Kelley. Lauren could’ve mentioned and ice cream and she would’ve thought ice cream was a metaphor for her.
“Is she ok?” Hope’s voice squeaked and she cleared her throat. Lauren shook her head.
“I don’t know what kind of fight you two got into, but I don’t want to deal with it. She’s been crying for the past hour and I’m tired.” And there it was, the problem, standing right in front of her. No one knew what the problem was, no one knew that it stemmed from something so wonderful and bizzare, that Hope Solo, who could have anyone in the world would choose to spend her nights at the training center with a wet-behind-the-ears new comer who had more freckles than Abby Wambach had goals, and a smile that made Hope feel safe on and off field.
“I’ll take care of it.” She said, brushing past Lauren. The door was only fifty feet away, but Hope took a few steps and stopped, wondering what she was going to say. She continued at her slow pace until she was ten feet away and she heard sobs that seemed to shake the very ground she stood on. She wanted nothing more than to break down the door, with her bad shoulder if needed, and fold Kelley into her embrace until there were no more tears. Instead, she hovered outside the door of Lauren's room until Lauren, fed up and grouchy from her lack of sleep, opened the door.
“Kelley.” Lauren's voice was urgent but gentle, something Hope wished she could manage, cut through the crying. “Hope’s here.” Hope felt the blood in her veins run cold and she shifted from one foot to the other, as restless as she was before a game. It was her red, puffy eyes that broke Hope’s heart. These were not tears of joy after they had won a hard fought game, these were the tear swelled eyes of a girl who had given her everything and had nothing left in return.
“Hey.” Hope offered weakly.
“Sorry for taking up your time, Lauren, I’m going to A-Rod’s.” Kelley walked forward and let the door close as a sleepy “g’night, Hara” followed her out. This time Hope grabbed her arm and did not loosen her grip.
“Let me go.” Kelley said, trying to break away.
“I’m sorry.” Hope said.
“For what? We both knew we had an expiration date.” Her voice was no longer pained, rather, her tone sought to hurt Hope as much as possible. Expiration date? Hope thought to herself angrily. Like a goddamn rotten apple?
“No, we don’t.” Hope hissed.
“Then why? Why the hell did you kiss that stupid bartender and pretend it meant more to you than this whole month we’ve spent together?” Kelley roared. Her voice rang in Hope’s ears and she winced at the words.
“Because that’s who I am, ok? I’m not…I’m not willing to be out like you. I’m not going to sit at some bar in Europe and feed you dessert and kiss you under the Eiffel tower. I can’t.” Kelley’s eyes watered again and she tried to pull her arm back.
“Let me go Hope.”
“I can’t.” Hope replied. “Because even if I can’t do that, I want to be selfish and keep you here.” She offered a faint smile and thought back to the first really cheesy romantic thing she’d said to Kelley. “I’m a goal keeper, remember? And you’re my goal.” Her heart dropped when Kelley bit her lip and looked away rather than grin like she usually did. “Kelley…”
“I deserve someone who will look the camera in the eye and say ‘I love Kelley O’Hara.’ I deserve someone who loves me like that. I would do that for you, Hope. And it just fucking hurts that you wouldn’t for me.” Hope’s grip loosened and Kelley yanked her arm away finally.
“I do love you.” She said but her voice faltered on ‘love’. Kelley laughed despite herself as fresh tears sprung to her eyes.
“Forget it. I’m crashing at A-Rod’s.” She hesitated a moment, giving Hope one last chance to stop her. But Hope did not know what to do or say to make her believe that she too was in love with her. She had been since the day Kelley’s mother told her how much she had sulked when she couldn’t get her hands on Solo’s jersey because they were all sold out after they’d won the gold in 2008. Or the last blurb in Kelley’s journal that read “one day, I’m going to play in front of the likes of Hope Solo, and show her what my generation is made of.”
And she had, thought Hope. Her generation was more than anyone could’ve hoped for as the upcoming soccer pros. And Kelley…Kelley was more than just a number hovering in front of her, protecting her from attackers. She was the arms around her as they vegged out on the couch while everyone else went out to drink. She was the kiss at night that let her sleep comfortably. She was the hero who returned from a grocery run with a cupcake from the best bakery in the world.
And fuck, she’d just lost all of that.