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June 21, 2024
Nashville, TN
Blue filled her. The waves of Marrowbone lake looked beautiful on the raunchy deck, that was more moss than wood. Crystalized water beamed under the gaze of the sun, white glazing the surface. The air was perfect, a calm before the storm. There were but a few currents, the ones that did arise were wrinkled out lovingly back into the void.
It felt like a nightmare and dream all at once. The way the water held her but pushed her further into the abyss. Calling to her. Fear pummeled at the tips of her fingers. This was the part where she kicked and screamed for help. Where she tried to keep her head in the land of the living.
Tight fists unclenched from the sides of her body, releasing the fight. God, she was tired of the fight. So in this new lightness she found in the dark she hummed. Bubbles appearing like pixie dust.
“AVA!”
A faint shout, nothing but a whisper in her ears drag her from the silence. The well awaited rest. Her eyes bulge, shifting frantically around the plain room. Her memories come back in flashes, emotions stapled next to it just in case she forgot how it felt the first time around. A breath, heavy and permanent leaves her.
LAPO’s Tour has been going on for 2 months now and Ava’s already exhausted by what her team expects of her. A slender man with a shiny head sent glares her way, as if scolding her for not paying attention. Ava couldn’t find it in her to care.
The team mossied around, talking about tonight's performance and how to improve the next show. Ava stood uninterested, on her way out and into bed. It was never about being a star for her. She loved the people that supported her but music had always felt like an affair she didn’t want to end. The fame and recognition that came with her newfound stardom was unsettling.
They’d let her go home to the hotel. A wash of relief claiming her as the duvet surrounded her like a big cloud. “Goodnight, Nashville.”
June 21, 2024
A little city in Vermont
A cry broke her fall. Then giggles followed as she still managed to stumble. The blond grinned at the girl, pointing a warning finger in her direction.
The small family ate breakfast at the nook located in the far left of the kitchen. Colorful fruits covered the blond’s plate, turkey bacon off to the side, an afterthought. It was one of those things you had to remember you loved for her. An ‘ohh’ moment. The girl, doe eyed and mischievous, shoved ketchup covered scrambled eggs into her cavernous mouth.
The blonde shook her head, a smile hidden by her fork.
The pair talked about silly things, like a rabbit the girl had seen while looking for a clover because someone had told her they were good luck. And tales of the blond’s old soccer days in the limelight.
Later they found themselves in the fields behind their cabin, a white and black ball between them. The blond laughed watching the small human try to maneuver the ball into the goal which was really two big oak trees. She’d steal the ball only to lose it to the girl because she could never really say no to her.
It was worth it. Worth the dirt talk- she couldn’t curse or else it isn’t fair- during dinner prep. The girl stood on a pink step stool, freshly unearthed carrots gripped by the greens under the sink faucet. She leaned closer, on her tippy toes- she had learned how to do that a lifetime ago. Her sandals slip off the platform, her balance thrown causing her to fall forward into the sink.
A hand pulls the back of her shirt, stabilizing her. “I think that’s enough.” The blond motions to the floor as if telling her to jump down. The carrots lay forgotten in the sink, the faucet only letting out drips of clear. The girl pouts but listens anyway.
“I wanted to help.” She says already retreating to a part of the house she knows the blond won’t evict her from.
The girl lets her finish dinner alone. Going to join the tea party Mr. Luffy was hosting. She lived in that bubble until a familiar voice called her over. Saying bye to her friends she made her way to the blond.
“Wash your hands, little lady.”
January 3rd, 2024
An apt on the shore of sarasota
She stays up all night. Watching the sky gradient into candy pink.
A melody was stuck in her head. A song she’d heard before or had been stuck on that rang real. Either way it kept her up. The words weren’t there to accompany it yet. Just hums and whistles and silences that allowed room to forget.
She strummed strings of the guitar on her lap. It’d been raining early, the bench she sat on gave it away. The keys she’d play a mixture of practice and nature. An easy flow strengthened by the comforting atmosphere.
I knew you in another life
Her voice was one of lullabies, made to hush even the rowdiest babies. The song escaped her, the ending before the beginning. She knew the order in her heart, that somehow she skipped to the end before introducing herself.
She stopped the voice memo going on her phone. Turning in to try for sleep now that her head was empty. It came eventually wrapped in a burrito blanket and her favorite show playing in the background. Which was fine because she’d already watched it a million times.
January 3rd, 2024
The garden
As a little one gardening always felt like an elderly activity to the blond. She’d only seen older people do it and she figured it was because young people lacked patience. But looking at the little human in front of her proved different. She had a sage thumb and a patience of steel.
The girl’s mini basket sat in the grass filled with snowdrops, witch hazel and daphne flowers. Asian squatting, she sniffed the leaves and inspected them like she had seen the blond do countless times.
“Ma!” The tiny human looked over her shoulder in search of the blond. She came over, crouching next to the girl and her tiny wood basket.
“I think she’s hungry.” She looks up at the blond unsure, a line forming between the faint brows. The woman just stands, hands on the straps of her overalls as she goes to retrieve the watering bin. She helps the girl pour the water until she feels satisfied.
December 22, 2023
Washington, DC
“Ava come on, you knew our parents wouldn’t understand!” Her sister says almost apologetically like she’s striking up the courage to empathize. She gawks at ava, waiting for something…most likely a rebuttal. Her family thinks she’s combative, a soldier who doesn’t know when to wave the flag.
But Ava’s tired. She has been for a while now. She contemplates walking away but a part of her feels like proving them right. Maybe she cant let go, would that be the worst thing?
“I thought you would. But you don’t see it. They polluted you too.”
Her shoulders slump at her own words. A sick feeling formed in the back of her throat. Her sister was supposed to be on her side. It was sibling code, have each other's back no matter what.
“Ava- I…” the words die on her tongue just as fast as the hope in Ava’s eyes does. In a perfect life she’d say ‘i believe in you baby sister’ or something sarcastic but equally effective. They’d laugh about this in the distant future in that life.
Ava tucks her chin to her chest, a lonely tear falling fast and soft down her shattered face. When she looks up her spine is void of curves. Her shoulders are straight and trying hard not to drop.
“It’s fine. Let’s go, they're probably waiting for us.”
December 22, 2023
The remains of Starling City
“Grandpa,”
It was solemn. A name with no one to respond back with. The girl’s doe eyes shined with water. She’s seen the blond cower down on her knees in shock, silent tears following. She’d been told he was hurt but her Ma never cried this much when she was hurt.
She was tempted to say his name again. To call out to the person who made her feel safe in this big world. But watching the blond she decided to be that person for her. She stood on wobbly feet, pins and needles following her with each step but she ignored it.
“Ma, I’m here.” The girl said as if it could fix everything and maybe it did. The blond took her in her arms, pressing the faintest kiss to her strawberry honey roots. They stayed like that awhile, until muscles started to ache and the girl squirmed because she could only stay still when she was asleep.
“What happened to Popa?” she’d ask on the way to the blond’s childhood house. They’d pass buildings that the city forgot about, the people using them as murals or rage rooms.
The blond hummed, not sure what to say. So she stuck with the truth.
“He was sad, I think. Sometimes people get sad and think it lasts forever.”
It felt like all the weight just transferred to her chest. Her dad’s legacy, his inheritance- a seed of death, But she couldn’t hate her dad for being sad.
January 30, 2024
Shores of sarasota
Ava had to restrain herself from hanging up. She’d been on the phone with her sister all morning about the same thing they’d been arguing over for months. She snarled under breathe, the weight of her gray cat was the only thing grounding her.
“It’s been decided already, why can’t you be happy for me!” She all but screams into the phone. She’d submitted a last second song to her label that she wanted to surprise her fans with on tour. Her family disapproved of the whole singing thing, they thought it was fleeting.
They rather her be an astronaut.
Or pretty much anything that involved a degree of education.
They tolerated it, even pretended to be happy for her upcoming fame but touring is where they draw the line. And apparently sister dearest feels the same way.
“I just think-”
“I know what you think, Ally.” The phone switches to black after she presses the red end call button. She goes to pet her fur baby who’d fallen asleep curled in a c shape.
She thinks of before, when her parents would beam at her everytime she played a song for them. Or how her sister would joke about how she was growing up with a star. It feels deeper than irony. She tries to find the joy, to look outside her mess and see the thing spiritual people always hinted at. But she was never really connected to life in that way.
Music was her everything. Her reason to wake up. To stay awake even in a sleepy city. A part of her knew if it came to it she’d sacrifice her relationships for it. Would that be so wrong?
January 30, 2024
A little city in vermont
Her dad was buried in her field of grass behind the cabin. It’d been almost a month without him and the world kept spinning. The blond would visit his headstone before the girl had a chance to wake. She’d talk about her mundane cabin life and how crazy it is to remember her ‘glory days’.
She confessed one day that she missed it. The adrenaline, the feel of a ball touching the sides of her cleat. She missed him too but didn’t admit that. They always talked soccer together, she’d FaceTime him so they could yell at their favorite teams in tandem.
The media had found out about her dad’s passing not soon after, making a mockery of mental health with it. The blond decided to take a socials’ cleanse from then on. She’d kept to her secluded life, playing games with the girl until work called. The girl took the loss in stride, crying in the quiet spots then picking herself up to be a carefree child again.
That's the first time the blond’s envied being young. Because woof did she need her dad more than she thought. Suddenly being a single mother felt impossible. There was no one left but her. She’d give anything for it not to be just her.
June 25, 2024
New York, NY
The stress of touchdown followed her to the taxi and on the way to her hotel. The bun she’d spent hours in the mirror fixing started to unravel. The driver, a top heavy italian man, tried to start conversation relenting when her replies started to sound the same.
She looked out the window, a tiny flicker of joy spreading through her. She’s in New York. And she’s doing the thing she loves most and it's real. A small part of her believed her family, maybe this was a terrible idea, maybe she’d waste her time and no one would show up at her venue.
But she’s in New York!
Later she sings into a dark crowd as they sing with her. Happy tears dance around the curve of her face. Her voice almost hiccups. They sing all the songs with passion and love like it was their own. She bit her lip overwhelmed at the support.
Music had always felt like a secret to her, something to entrust to someone. Here it feels different. In New York, on this stage, under these lights, it feels proud. She forgets the agency and her family for once, it's about her. About all these people she reached with a 3 minute song.
June 25, 2024
A diner in vermont
“Finish up, we’re about to go.” the blond tells the girl.
The girl just plays with the ketchup with a soggy fry. The blond stops herself from sighing, looking at people chatting animatedly. Lately the girls have been in a mood, the blond thought it was cabin fever so they found their way to the closest town.
They'd been shopping, the girl practically begging for a disheveled gnome that had overalls with patches on it. The blond said yes, of course. Putting it in the cart with different knick knacks she’d found in other aisles.
She was holding a pair of socks when she heard it. The little shop was called OPAL’S, it was a mix between recycled and new items. The owner was sweet, she had an ear for music that made the blond want to come in everyday. She forgot the damn socks in her hand when she heard the speakers change songs.
A sweet, definitely angelic voice starts alone. The recognizable pull of a guitar following in suit. It felt like a bubble, the aisle condensed into nothingness and the damn sock disappeared from her hands. The girl rummaged on the other side of the aisle with her back to the blond.
I promise I won’t forget you
Promise, you’ll do the same
Suddenly her dad’s laugh is all she can hear. Laurel with her ‘told ya so’ grin that she’d do anything to roll her eyes at again. And God, she knows her mom’s not dead but she thinks of her too.
The angel voice fades out in favor of the instrument, a violin joins somewhere between then and now. The blond thinks she’s never heard anything more perfect.
July 5, 2024
A random city in Vermont
Things changed in the course of her tour. She stopped doing things she didn't want to do. Like filming a documentary and meet-and-greets after a 2 hour show. She’s happier, she can live her dreams out the way she always envisioned it.
She feels guilty because the last time she talked to one of her family members it ended with her hanging up in their face. But she doesn’t dwell on it. She’s happier but sometimes she feels like she’s grieving the end of something.
Vermont is raining. Thudding really. It's comforting to look at, quells the part of her that's travel sick. She gets ready for the show with her small team of found family and does vocal warmups.
The venue is quaint, smaller than every other stage she’d performed on. Fairy lights wrap around the mic holder and some random pillars that hold the stage up. It's pretty. Soft and hazy like a polaroid.
She goes backstage to wait until showtime. When her name gets presented and the crowd claps at her await she finds her way dead and center. She glances at her found family, a bittersweet feeling dripping down her spine. The yell, shouting phrases and declarations of love at her.
She laughs. Saying ‘i love you too’ sweetly into the mic.
The show begins.
July 5, 2024
A little city in Vermont
Ever since she heard that song in Opal’s she couldn’t let it go. She spent hours online and on Spotify listening to a woman named Ava Renee Sharpe. She’d watch interviews stuck on this new obsession.
It was natural the way she bought two tickets. She tried not to question the purchase she made days ago. Excitement riddled her as she set aside clothes the night before. It was stupid, she was in her 30s, but the blond couldn’t help it.
The day moved slowly like when she was a kid and her parents had told her they were going to the amusement park tomorrow. Tomorrow always seemed so far away. The blond busied herself with chores around the house. The girl followed her around with endless questions about what a concert was. And if they could hold one of their own.
Eventually the blond had enough waiting and decided to get ready. She prepared the girl first, leaving her with her ipad so she wouldn’t destroy the newly clean house. The blond took her time then.
When they got to the venue the blond remembered to bring earplugs just in case the music was too loud for the little human. They settled in the upper right hand side, the blond grateful that tables and chairs were set up randomly. The presenter, who wore a neon hat that matched his shoes, presented the talent.
The girl saw everyone clap and followed, making the blond laugh. The girl giggled looking back at her Ma. Ava glided onto stage, a white silk dress draping across the lines of her. Her hair was curled and up in an effortless way that made you focus only on her face.
“I love you too.” The blond knew it was for everyone but the soft delivery made it seem personal. For a second she imagined what that’d look like.
Ava sings better than that day at Opal’s. Her voice drowns out the crowd and the blond forgets to blink. She sings along to parts she’d heard over the course of her short lived research. Basking in the real thing.
After she sits in the lobby, holding her sleeping girl in her lap. She’s waiting for the rain to let up a little so the trip to the car isn’t disastrous. Thankfully it does and she makes her way to the car, little human safe in her arms.
She can't see all that well. It doesn't surprise her when she bumps into someone and the girl groans softly at the force of it. She whispers sorry to deaf ears, looking up to do the same to the stranger. Her words get stuck in her throat before she forces it to work again.
“I’m Sara- I mean I'm sorry. I didn’t…” The thought leaves her mind at her proximity.
Ava just smiles at her.
“Hi Sara.”
December 22, 2024
Woodstock, Vermont
Ava liked to hum random bops while she did things. And no matter how unaware she was that sound was coming out of her it was always beautiful. The girl had taken a liking to Ava, she knew since that first night that Ma was happier when the singer was around.
Sara never liked to be alone.
Today she left forget me nots at her dads stone. Thanking him for Ava because somehow she knew it wasn’t a coincidence they found each other.
A hand wrapped around her shoulder squeezing gently before falling beside her. She leaned into the woman's side who was holding a cuddly Cora. “Ma,” she pleaded silently, her hands reaching for her.
“Yes, little lady,” she smiled down at her, glad today more than ever that her daughter had her fathers eyes. She grabbed her, pulling the girl into her orbit. She bopped her nose, only to pinch her cheeks and cora giggled easily. Tiny hands grabbed Sara's face, squeezing until she made an o shape. Sara made the bubble sound the girl asked for, causing another giggle to pour out.
Suddenly she turns to the taller blond, “Ava you too!” Cora says excitedly. And just like Sara, Ava can't say no.
The girl had gone to bed later after a book from Sara and a lullaby from Ava. The partners laid in the queen sized bed with one lamp on. Ava on her side, her hand propping her head to see Sara clearly. Sara laid on her back, her hand finding Ava’s between them.
“You okay, babe?” Ava asked softly, deciding she waited long enough to ask.
Sara shifts on her side, mirroring Ava. She looks between the right and left eye. Noticing the tiniest vein on the hood of her right and the faint green that was more pronounced. She reached up, tracing where the light stops and shadow begins. Ava’s breath stops a little before it restarts. For a second she forgets she even asked a question which has yet to be answered.
She tugs at Sara's wrist, murmuring her name like a prayer.
“I’m more than okay.”
She says it in a winded way, like she’d ran a mile and used her last bits of energy to declare it so.
“Sara,” Ava says again, seriously this time because she knows how easy it is to get lost in each other. But she wants Sara to be honest with her. Sara had given her a family, helped the guilt about ‘abandoning’ hers while Sara lost her own.
The blond huffs before falling back. “It feels the same, it didn’t grow or lessen. I woke up today and almost forgot that this day was supposed to mean something to me. But it was still there, it's always there. I'm just sad he didn’t get more time with Cora.
“And that he didn’t meet you.”
August 16, 2025
Sicily, Italy
Her dream girl was sitting on a boat with a guitar in her lap and singing pick up lines her way. Her hair was tossed in no specific direction, falling over her shoulders like a waterfall. She wore the biggest smile on her face, proud of the freestyle lyrics she’d barely given a thought.
She was wearing clothes but Sara couldn’t tell you what color they were or how to describe how Ava looked in them.
“Sara baby, do you wanna marry me?”
Sara blushed, red filling her new tan that the Italian sun had given her. Her eyebrows shot up, eyes displaying too many things at once.
“You know I hate water right? This is the worst place to do this.”
“Sara,” she admonishes, but a little fear trickles down her spin at the lack of answers.
Sara thought of their first I love yous. Ava had gotten out of bed early, taking her coffee to the porch while she watched the bourbon wash sunrise. The rocking chair moved rhythmically under her spell, She’d been almost asleep when Sara found her. A whine left her when she woke to find the absence of Ava. She took a leak and brushed her teeth because Sara knew Ava wouldn't kiss her fresh outta morning breath.
She creeped around the house before trying the outdoors where she witnessed Ava with her neck bent at an awkward angle. Mug tightly in her grasp. Sara snorted, sitting in the rocking chair next to her instead of waking her up.
She took the cup out the woman's hand, draping a thin blanket over her. Sara tucked her legs underneath her, sightseeing until eventually she fell to the same fate.
When Ava woke she saw the tiny woman beside her. Joy spread through her and suddenly music wasn't her one true love. The weight of her gaze caused the woman to stir, dopey blue eyes meeting hers.
“I love you, you know that.”
A dopey grin follows tired eyes, “I love you too.”
“You just had to follow me out didn't you?” Ava teases and Sara says something she knows will ring true until forever ends.
“I’ll follow you anywhere.”
She blinks and the memory fades. Her eyes gloss over with tears, Ava a blob of golden and angel light. “Yes.” she nods frantically, not sure how else she can tell her that's all she wants.
To be Ava's wife.