Chapter Text
Middle of James and Lily's Seventh year
Lily’s POV:
“I want to take you somewhere so you know I care,” Lily finally mustered up the courage to tell James.
This was Lily's way of confessing. She'd finally accepted that she had feelings for James, and deep ones at that. It had taken her a while to get there, considering it was the start of seventh year. They'd all just gotten back from summer break.
Lily thought he would have been pleased, considering the fact that he had pursued her for years. When he had finally decided to stop always asking her out and would actually try to be her friend was the time Lily first started falling for James. The other Gryffindor's reaction surprised her however.
When Lily had come up to him, James had been sitting on one of the Gryffindor common room couches, and he had been staring emptily into the fire. He looked almost sad, which baffled Lily, because she thought he would have been pleased. He had asked her out for years before.
Finally, he turned to her and replied, “But it’s so cold and I don’t know where.”
Lily reeled back, not expecting that. She knew it was unfair of her to feel upset over that though, considering how many times she'd rejected him in the past. How could she expect him to feel the same way still? Lily had expected, or more hoped really, that he would still have feelings for her.
Lily finally sighed and accepted that answer, letting him be for the moment. She could tell this was more than just payback for when she’d rejected him the in the years previous, even though it still stung.
Lily had to wonder if that was how it felt every time Lily had rejected him. She felt a sting of pity and anger at herself for rejecting him like that so many times and so harshly. She understood now that he wasn’t an arrogant toe rag.
She made her way out of the Common Room, sensing that it wouldn’t be good if she kept pushing him. On her way out of the Common Room, she noticed Sirius, Remus and Mary waiting, presumably for her.
They were the only three that she’d actually confessed having feelings for James. Or, to word it better, they were the only ones who noticed.
“So, are you together now?” Mary inquired.
There it was; that look of not so distant sadness. Lily wondered at that particular look in her eyes. It came up whenever Lily talked about James.
She was probably jealous, Lily reasoned. Of course she was. All her friends were getting together with people. She probably wanted that for herself as well. Lily tried to shrug it off.
At the same time that Mary asked, Sirius grinned and spoke.
“We already know they’re together, Mary. What I want to know is how did he react? Did he kiss you silly?”
Remus just waited with an expectant look. He didn’t say anything, though, just waited for her to speak.
Lily let out a little sigh. She appreciated the support, but she really just wanted to cry at the moment. Mary gave her a concerned look, instantly attuned to her sadness. They were such good friends they just noticed things like that.
“He rejected me, actually,” she admitted.
Everyone looked at her in shock. Everyone but Remus. Sirius was the first to recover.
“Pardon me?” Of course, his fancy French manners showed through, even when surprised.
Lily didn’t explain anymore, and just looked at Remus, nodding her head to the boy’s dorm.
“Could I talk to you for a moment? Alone,” she added on.
Remus nodded, a knowing look in his eyes. “of course.”
They walked up to the boy’s dorm together, considering that James was in the Common Room and Remus couldn’t get into the girl’s dorm.
Once they got in there, Peter was sitting on his bed with a chocolate frog and his study books. He sat up a bit when he saw them.
“Is this a cuddle session or do you need to talk?” he asked, a wiping a smear of chocolate off his lip.
Remus looked at Lily. “She and I need to talk. Sorry, mate.”
Peter grabbed a schoolbook, Divination, Lily noted, and his chocolate frog.
“Not at all. Let me know when you’re done, will you?”
Remus nodded in agreement as Peter left. Right before he did though, he gave Lily a small smile. She couldn’t bring herself to give one back.
“You knew he’d reject me, didn’t you?” Lily inquired.
There was no note of accusation in her tone, just genuinely wanting to know. Remus winced regardless.
“Lils, I didn’t know for sure. I just had my suspicions. I should have warned you, though, I’m sorry,” He apologized.
The redhead shook her head, waving it off. “No, I understand. You were protecting your friend.”
“Just tell me though,” She tilted her head. “Suspicions of what?”
Remus started to look vagally uncomfortable, and he hesitated
“I don’t believe it’s my place to tell you," he told her softly.
“Please, Remus. He used to ask me out for years. That liking doesn’t just change overnight. I just want to understand. I don’t need the details. I just want to have a better understanding of the boy who stole my heart.”
Lily’s eyes widened. She hadn’t meant to confess that much. Remus’ eyes softened; the girl noted. There was no turning back now.
“You love him?” Remus inquired.
There was something almost sad in his gaze, regretful. Lily nodded.
“I do. I do love him.”
Remus let out a sigh, running a scarred hand over his face. “Well, this is a right mess, isn’t it?” he murmured, mostly to himself.
He seemed to decide and turned to Lily.
“I don’t know for sure, and even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you, and I won’t tell you who I believe it was with, but James… there was a period of time that I truly believe that James was in love with someone. He was happy and – “
Remus cut Lily off before she could speak.
“No, happier. Like, truly happy. Then he got his heart broken, if I’m right. But for all I know I could be wrong. But I do truly believe that James was happy and in love before he got his heart broken. And it wasn’t like it was with you. It was different.”
Remus shook his head. “But that’s all I’ll say about it.”
Lily looked at him gratefully. “Thank you, Remus,” she murmured.
Then she left the room without another word, her mind reeling. Remus didn’t seem to mind. James had loved another? She should’ve expected something like that, so why did it hurt?
What, did Lily really think that James would just stay and wait for her for years, years, until she got feelings back for him?
She walked back to her dorm room that she shared with Marlene, Emmaline, and Mary. No one was in the room. The girl curled up on her bed, a few tears escaping. A little while later, she heard the door open, but didn’t turn to see who it was.
Lily felt arms wrap securely around her, the scent of sunflowers and citrus pulling her to her chest. Lily knew that scent, she felt safe whenever she smelled it. She knew it was Mary.
Mary didn’t say anything, she just held her as she cried. Lily hated herself for that.
“Why was I so stupid as to ask him out? Of course he doesn’t like me anymore,” Lily murmured through her tears.
Mary let out a little shushing sound as she ran her hand through Lily’s hair.
“you’re not stupid. Potter’s the stupid one for not liking you,” she soothed.
Lily just let out a half laugh, half sob and clung to Mary tighter.
“Thanks for being such a good friend,” she spoke a while later.
Mary stiffened a little but just gave her a small smile. “of course, we're friends. I’ll always be there for you.”