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“Alrighty Loonie Toonie, you have fun tonight.” Blitzø called to the hellhound from his spot on their tattered couch, not looking up from his cartoon featuring colorful ponies playing on the television screen across from him.
Loona hesitated at the front door, eyebrows furrowed as she stared intently at the back of her adopted father’s head. “I, uh…” she mumbled, nervously rubbing her arm. “I could still hang back if you want? Tex would understand.”
The imp on the couch didn’t look at her right away. He took a moment to close his eyes tight and take a steading breath as quietly as he could before forcing his mouth up into a big toothy grin and turning to lean over the back of the couch towards her. “Aw, you want to stay home and hang out with your old man? On a Friday night? I’m honored Loonie!”
An irritated growl rumbled in the back of Loona’s throat, her tail swayed behind her low and slow as she rolled her eyes. “Shut up,” she scoffed. She locked eyes with Blitzø and simply stared at him for a moment, searching for any crack in his expression. The shit eating grin he sported was certainly familiar, but it didn’t reach his eyes the way it normally did when trying to reach out to her in that weird fatherly way she still didn’t know how to handle. She crossed her arms and let out a sigh.
“I just…you know…” Her gaze dropped from his face and she shrugged, trying to seem nonchalant. “I can miss one party if you, like, want some company.”
The corners of Blitzø’s lips dipped slightly but he held the smile and raised an eyebrow. “You know I love hanging out with you Loonie but you’ve been looking forward to seeing your friends and everything.” He kept his voice pleasant, knowing it wasn’t easy for his daughter to offer what was by her standards a very heartfelt sentiment. Normally such a gesture would have flooded him with joy and had him bouncing off the walls but he did not have it in himself to take the offer that night. “You should go have a good time!”
Loona’s eyes were searching his face again and it took everything he had to keep his expression light. After a moment she simply sighed again, arms dropping to fiddle with the hem of her dress with her claws. “Whatever.” she said simply before turning to the door and hurrying out of the apartment.
Blitzø listened to the sound of her paws padding down the hallway for a moment before finally letting his face fall with a long drawn out groan. He turned back right ways on the couch and slumped far enough that his backside was almost off the cushion completely. It wasn’t like he didn’t appreciate what Loona was doing but he wasn’t going to ruin her weekend with his bullshit. He needed some time alone to openly stew.
It had been a week since the full moon. A week since he had made a fool of himself and ruined everything. Loona knew something was up immediately when he came home that night rather than the morning after but he’d been able to deflect her questions even if he could quite find the energy to peel himself off the couch the entire weekend.
His phone let out a quiet ding from his back pocket and he groaned again. It wasn’t just Loona; Millie and Moxxie had noticed he wasn’t quite himself that week as well. On Monday when he came into the office and made a big show of explaining the crystal to his employees, their initial excitement had him convinced he had really sold how absolutely cool he was about the situation.
Didn’t even make it to the end of the day before they were each sneaking pitying looks his way.
When he slipped his phone from his pants pocket and unlocked the screen however, he didn’t see either of his employees' names.
[Queen Clussy Just Now: for real blitz call me back]
He let his head tip back against the couch cushions. Fizzarolli had been trying to get ahold of him since the morning after the full moon, at first simply asking how his date had gone, the asshole. When all his calls went to voicemail and his texts were left on read his messages started getting more frantic. Blitzø really didn’t mean to worry his friend but he had an ugly feeling in his chest that Fizz had known and didn’t think to give him any sort of heads up. They had only started to rebuild their friendship very recently and Blitzø did not trust himself to not do or say something to destroy all their progress if that feeling turned out to be right. Not yet.
With a quick flick he cleared the text notification and tossed the device onto the couch next to him. For a while he stared blankly at the television screen, glazed over eyes unable to really take in his favorite show. Slowly, his gaze fell back to his phone laying on the couch cushion next to him. He pressed his lips together tightly and forced himself to look back at his show.
Weak ass he thought to himself as he caved and reached for his phone and entered the passcode with a glare. Without a second of hesitation he tapped the photo gallery icon and the app opened to the same picture he had closed it on, and he looked down at his own stupid face. His lips curled up in a small, almost hopeful smile as he lay in a bed much too nice for him and surrounded by the long feathery arms of a tall demon much too beautiful for him. A quiet moment where he could just pretend that things were different, that maybe if he wasn’t just an imp with too many issues and too many scars or if Stolas wasn’t a prince with so much power and so many better options that this soft moment could have been something real.
Blitzø zoomed in on the picture and dragged a claw across the screen away from his own face to stare instead at the other demon.The pleasant flutter he used to feel in his chest when he would look at the picture had been noticeably absent this week, replaced instead with a hollow ache. Stolas’ pale, heart shaped face looked so peaceful, his beak curled up in a small smile. Blitzø stared at his phone screen hard, trying to force out the image of Stolas’ face from their last meeting that seemed seared into the back of his eyelids.
Tears began to sting at the corners of his eyes as the memory of their last meeting replayed in his head. He tossed his phone onto the couch again, hearing another small note come from it and choosing to ignore it while rubbing roughly at his eyes then simply sat with his hand covering his face. There was no point in pretending anymore. He had already blown the chance he didn’t know he had.
His show ended and he snatched up the remote with his tail to turn off the television as the closing song played over the credits. The cheery tune was not helping his mood. If anything it felt like it was mocking him.
The quiet of his apartment hung heavy around him, the muffled sounds of his neighbors joyfully celebrating the weekend seeped in through the thin walls. Blitzø pulled his legs up to his chest and his tail wrapped around them loosely as he lowered his chin to rest on his knee, wishing the couch would just rip open and swallow him. It was better this way. He hadn’t meant to hurt Stolas but that didn’t matter, it was inevitable and he should have known that. It didn’t matter if Stolas was a powerful prince, Blitzø was a ball of exposed nerves and rough edges. The slightest nudge would set him off and anyone who got too close always got hurt. It was like he was cursed. It wouldn’t take long for Stolas to realize how much better off he was without the imp, some day he’d look back at his confession to the lower demon and be embarrassed at how silly the whole thing was. And Blitzø would just keep trudging on, like he always did.
A deep sigh left him as he mulled over that night with Stolas for what had to have been the millionth time, he was just torturing himself at this point and he knew nothing good was going to come from it but there didn’t seem to be anything he could to shake the sight of Stolas’ back as he hurried away from him or the sound of his own voice screaming at the owl echoing in his head.
A jaunty calliope tune began to sing from his cell, pulling him from his quiet spiral and eliciting a groan from the imp. He reached over without looking to silence the call. A moment later it chirped again, the sound of a text rather than a voicemail but he kept his face covered and ignored it.
Until a loud knock rattled his door soon after.
He jolted at the sound and glared towards his apartment’s entryway. After a moment with no move to answer the unwelcome visitor, another knock sounded accompanied by a graveled voice.
“Bliiiiiitzø,” it came in a sing-song tone. “I know you’re home, open up asshole.”
He picked up his phone to look at the messages he had ignored.
[Queen Clussy 20 minutes ago: fine u asked for this
Missed call Queen Clussy 5 minutes ago
Queen Clussy 2 minutes ago: put some pants on]
Blitzø rolled his eyes, instead glaring down at the scruffy rug on the floor. He felt frozen as the silence dragged out. If he pretended no one was there, eventually he’d be right.
The voice was softer when it called again and melted away his resolve. “Please, Blitzø?”
Blitzø sighed and slowly lifted himself from the couch. If it had been almost anyone else in Hell he’d have already shot a bullet straight through the door.
The door creaked on its hinges as he opened it, one hand still on the handle and his other arm leaning against the frame trying to block the entryway. In the hallway stood another tall imp, colorfully striped jester hat on his head and a couple of plastic bags full of packaged snack foods sitting on the dingy carpet by his metal hooves. Blitzø glared as his friend’s pale face flashed from an anxious frown into a big grin. Fizz really was a master at that.
“Oh ho ho, look who’s still alive,” Fizz raised his brows and put his hand on his hips.
“Yep,” Blitzø replied shortly, glare still stubbornly in place. “Harder than that to get rid of me. Like a fucking cockroach. What do you want?”
The corners of his smile twitched but he held it tight. “You gonna let me in or what?” He gestured at the bags on the floor. “I got your favorite junk food and all the time in the world.”
“And something much fucking better to do, I’m sure,” Blitzø mumbled and rolled his eyes. “Thought Oz was too scared to let you out on your own.”
“He dropped me off,” Fizz’s smile turned a little smug. “We were in Pride any way and when I heard you were all by yourself on a Friday night like a fucking dweeb I couldn’t resist!”
“...Damnit Loona…” He sighed and let go of the door to pinch the skin between his eyes. “Fizz, look. I’m sure you have something better to do, okay? I appreciate the 800 fucking messages of concern or whatever but I’m fine. I just wanna veg on the couch, alright? It’s been…it’s been a long week.”
“Blitzø…” His smile finally fell aware and he glared at his friend. There was no heat in his eyes though and his voice remained soft. “Come on, you’re clearly not ‘fine’. I know I’ve missed a lot the last 15 years but some things don’t change. Lemme be here for you now.”
Ouch. Blitzø winced. “Don’t…fucking say that like it’s your fault.” He sighed and dropped his arm from the door frame. He looked back up at his friend’s face. Fizz’s wide eyes glowed in the dim light of the apartment building, glare turned into a hopeful smile.
Blitzø reached to pick up the bags of snacks and opened the door wide. “It’s stupid anyway but you can hang out if you really want.” He grumbled, turning back inside. He paused as he heard the mechanical whirl of Fizz’s prosthetics behind him as he stretched out to launch over Blitzø’s head and onto the couch, narrowly evading the low ceiling.
His eyes quickly went to the pictures taped up to the peeling wallpaper of the apartment. This was the first time Fizzarolli had actually come inside the apartment. Blitzø made it a point not to have pretty much anyone other than himself and Loona in their home, a big part of why was to avoid the uncomfortable question of why the wall he had dedicated to photos of all his favorite people in Hell had his own face scratched out in every picture he was included.
“It’s not stupid, you know you’re allowed to be upset, right?” Fizz called from the couch, following Blitzø’s gaze and frowning but thankfully making no comment.
Blitzø awkwardly shuffled over, dropping onto the couch next to him and setting the bags on the coffee table. “Really it is,” he shrugged, struggling to sound unbothered as he reached for the remote. “You wanna watch somethi- Hey!”
Fizz yanked the remote from his hand and stuffed it under the cushion he was sitting on. “You aren’t getting out of this that easy,” His arm stretched to dig around in a bag and pull out a bag of chips and he ripped it open with his metal claws. “Spill, Buckzo.”
“Christ Fizz, I just haven’t been feeling chatty lately,” Blitzø slumped and crossed his arms. “Didn’t realize that was a fucking crime.”
Fizz frowned, cheeks bulging with his mouth full of chips . “Do I look stupid to you?”
Blitzø gave him a blank stare. “No more than usual.”
“Fuck you, Blitzø.” Fizz swatted at his arm. “Seriously, you came all the way to Lust all excited for your date with your Prince-”
“Not a date-”
“And I knew it was a big night so I tried to wait til the next day-”
“Wait-”
“-to get all the deets only to get left on read for a week-”
“Fizz-”
“What am I supposed to think-”
“FIZZ.” Blitzø nearly yelled to stop his friend’s ramblings. Fizz simply blinked at him, pausing his movement to shove another handful of his snack into his mouth.
“You ‘knew it was a big night’?” Blitzø asked slowly, eyes narrowing as his suspicions about his friend resurfaced in his head. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
A strained chuckle left Fizz’s throat and he averted his eyes. “Ha, nothing,” he was a terrible liar. “Just, y’know, you seemed like you wanted it to be, like, special or something.”
Blitzø glared at him for a moment before slowly standing from the couch. Fizz didn’t look up at him but listened to him walk off somewhere in the apartment and then return, setting something down on the table in front of him.
“So, you don’t know anything about that?” He asked in an accusing tone. Fizz looked down at the black and red cloth and recognized them as one of the gloves from his normal work attire. His eyebrow perked up as he spotted the yellow gem embedded into it.
He lifted his eyes up to Blitzø, meeting his fiery red glare with a look of genuine confusion. “You’re…not happy?”
“Fuck Fizz!” He tried to yell but it came out more like a pathetic whine. “Why would I be happy? You couldn’t even give me a heads up before ruining everything for me? I thought we were moving on! What kind of fucked up revenge shit are you trying to pull?”
A growl rumbled in the back of Fizz’s throat and he stood from the couch to glare right back at him. “Excuse me?” He spat. “I get you’re upset but you don’t get to take your shit out on me. We thought we were helping!”
Blitzø flinched and shrank back, spines lowering and all the heat escaping his eyes. He knew he wasn’t really mad at Fizz, there was no way he could have known what would happen. Part of him had hoped he could just rile the other imp enough to leave him to suffer alone like he’d been planning to do but…if anyone in the seven rings would understand, it would be Fizz.
“That’s what I thought.” Fizz mumbled, tail swaying slowly behind him as he tried to calm down. He sighed as he sat back down, grabbing Blitzø’s arm to pull him to the couch with him. They sat in a tense silence, not looking at each other for a moment. Blitzø finally glanced over at his friend, grateful he wasn’t pushing as he tried to collect his thoughts. Fizz was his friend and hadn’t given him any reason to doubt that and he said he wanted to be here for him, so Blitzø would believe him even if he didn’t understand it.
Blitzø let out a sigh and deflated completely. He curled up, arms and tail wrapped around himself as he leaned over to rest his head on Fizz’s shoulder. “...I really fucked up Fizz,” he managed to force out, barely above a whisper.
“You would say that, huh.” Fizz offered, lifting a hand to gently pat one of his friend’s horns. “Tell me what happened, cause seriously I’m lost. I thought you needed the crystal to do your action hero bullshit up on Earth? Ozzie said the prince came asking about it as a gift for you, I thought you’d be thrilled.”
Blitzø’s grip on himself tightened, claws starting to dig into his arms. “It’s not…fuck,” he let out an exasperated sigh, turned his head to bury his face into the crook of Fizz’s neck. “Crystal’s not the problem, not really.”
Fizz’s hand dropped from Blitzø’s horn to wrap around his head like a hug. “Woah, crazy, imagine that.” He said sarcastically.
“Fuck you.”
He let out a half hearted chuckle before lifting Blitzø’s chin and turning to face him. Tears were running silently down his face and he wouldn’t meet Fizz’s eyes. “What happened then?” He asked softly, gently running his thumbs across his friend’s cheeks to dry them.
Blitzø took a breath and closed his eyes, leaning his face into the cooling metal of Fizz’s hand. The tears Fizz wiped away were quickly replaced by fresh ones. He spoke quickly like he was afraid he’d forget how to talk if he didn’t get it out. “He gave me the crystal so he could take back his fancy book. Said our deal wasn’t right, wasn’t fair to hold me to it or whatever. He said that he,” his wavering voice hesitated for a moment. “That he cared about me. And I treated him like shit Fizz, I threw it in his face and I yelled and-”
“Woah, woah,” Fizz gently stopped him. He cradled his friend’s face in his hands until he finally opened his eyes and looked at him. “Take a breath Blitzø, I am not getting any less confused here. What book?”
He did as he was told and took a deep breath trying to steady himself. He slowly sat back and up, letting Fizz’s metal hands slip from his face and he briefly looked down, then back. “Big, fancy magic book. A grime-ory or whatever the fuck it’s called.”
Fizz’s eyes blew wide open. “Magic book?” Blitzø realized then just how little he had actually told the other imp about his situation with the prince. What he had told him made it sound like just a messy long term hook up that he was maybe catching feelings for.“The prince has been letting you…take his grimoire…so you can go to the living world…to kill humans?”
Blitzø just nodded in return.
Fizz took a deep breath. “Oooookay. Well, um, since you could probably both get in a lot of fucking trouble for that, why exactly isn’t it good he got you the crystal?”
His friend looked away again, a dark blush scattered across his two toned cheeks. He looked embarrassed.
“Wait…he said your ‘deal’ wasn’t right? That wasn’t why…”
There was a moment of silence as he let that sink in to Fizz. Blitzø needed that book to run his business. To pay his employees and keep a roof over his daughter’s head. And the imp was paying for it with his body cause that’s all he was good for.
“That…” He hesitated and brought a hand up to pinch the skin between his eyes. “That’s why you were sleeping together? He was just straight up holding your whole fucking livelihood over your head? Fuck Blitzø, when you said he saw you as a novelty…I didn’t realize…I thought you were just being an ass.”
“I was.”
Fizz’s eyes snapped back open and he looked back at Blitzø. The tears were still flowing steadily down his face and he was glaring down at the floor. He glanced up at Fizz’s bewildered face and sighed. “I mean…I did think that’s how he saw it. What else was I supposed to think? He’s…a prince. And i’m…I’m a fucking trainwreck Fizz.”
Fizz shuffled closer. Blitzø had started dragging his claws against his arm hard enough to leave irritated marks on his skin. Fizz brought a hand up and held his to still it.
“It’s my fault anyway,” Blitzø mumbled, glaring down at the couch cushion and refusing to meet Fizz’s gaze.“I…at first…I broke into his palace, to steal the book. I got caught and uh…well, at first I think he was just joking but he…y’know seemed into it enough so I went for it and we kind of just fucked so I could…distract him.”
Fizz raised a brow and tilted his head. “That may have been the craziest idea you’ve ever had, you realize
that right? Like, I know I was going on and on about how not all royals are bad but like…a lot of the Goetia are pretty ruthless, especially towards little guys like us. How’d you even…like, know about it?”
Blitzø let out a genuine laugh and looked up to smile at Fizz’s confused face. “Do you remember that time when we were…fuck, like ten? That night my dad had me rob that Goetia that hired me to be his kid’s friend?”
Fizz’s jaw dropped. “You’re joking.”
He shook his head with another chuckle. “Couldn’t make it up if I tried. Stolas got his fancy book that day, told me he had to learn to use it to study the sky in the human world cause it’d be his job when he grew up.” Blitzø’s eyes went back down to the couch cushion and he gently picked at a loose piece of fabric lifted up from a rip in the upholstery. “I never forgot about that…he was a weird fucking kid but…it was fun. I.M.P was in a rough spot, there’s too much competition for assassination in Hell…I thought if we could get to the human world and offer something special that no one else could…figured I’d already gotten away with stealing from him once.” He paused and looked back up at Fizz. “He remembered me too. Always thought that was crazy.”
Fizz nodded along. “So…when he realized you stole his grimoire, instead of just killing you and taking it back he offered that deal?”
Blitzø nodded.
“That’s fuck up Blitzø.”
“Yep.”
They sat in silence for a moment. Fizz watched his friend’s face closely. “When did…” he hesitated. Fizz’s tail swung over to Blitzø’s and they curled together in a comforting gesture. “Things changed though.”
Blitzø didn’t look at him and his body tensed. “After a few months…he invited me and my employees to this festival in Wrath.” He started slowly. As he sorted through the memories he growled deep in his chest and grit his teeth. “Do you remember that wannabe cowboy asshole that grabbed us in Greed?”
Fizz swallowed nervously and nodded.
“He was there,” Blitzø bit his lip. “I should have killed him when I had the chance… he had a blessed gun. He was there for Stolas.”
Their tails stayed wrapped together but Blitzø tipped himself backwards to splay out on the couch, arms going up to cover his face and one leg dangling and the other across Fizz’s lap. “I didn’t…I just…” He sighed. “I knew things couldn’t be different. Like I said, he’s a prince and I was just a warm body he could pass time with until he got bored…but…fuck Fizz. I didn’t even care. I just…I like being around him. Yeah, I’d go over to his place and fuck him silly and that was good, really good…but…” His arms fell from his face and he stared up at the ceiling. “He always asked me to stick around after. I used to bitch about it, at most I'd stay long enough to get in a power nap and slip out before he got up. Around when he invited us to the festival…I started showing up earlier. I’d sleep the whole night and have fucking breakfast with him in the morning. I started texting him more and sometimes I’d see him outside of the full moon…that asshole could have really killed him…”
Fizz hummed. “Sounds like an awful lot more than just a hookup…or, I guess, weird sex deal. ”
“Didn’t feel like it.” Blitzø grumbled. “Palace full of imp servants, felt like I was just part of his staff. He sure talked like it… couldn’t even get him to call me my fucking name in public. Everything just…felt like weird foreplay.”
Fizz leaned forward to watch Blitzø’s face, he was blushing again and his eyes were beginning to water again. He frowned and reached to put a comforting hand on his friend’s leg.
Blitzø sighed and rolled over onto his side to finally reach into one of the plastic bags for a snack break. Fizz waited patiently, grabbing his own abandoned bag of chips and munching on a few as he watched his friend rip open a bag of his favorite spicy chips and shovel several into his mouth, dropping crumbs on himself and the couch under him.
“Then…Ozzie’s happened.” He said low, his face contorted into a grimace.
Fizz flinched. “I’m so-”
“Don’t, really Fizz, I get it.” He sighed. “It’s not your fault…I…I deserved what happened there. He thought it was a date, I told him it was. I was just there to be a fucking creep and I needed a fucking date to get in the door. ”
“That vanilla ass imp guy with the guitar, right? Him and his wife are your employees?”
Blitzø nodded. “I took Stolas home pretty much right after getting my ass reamed. He invited me in, offered to just talk and cuddle but, like, come on, he led off by letting me know the house was empty like we wouldn’t be bothered. It felt like he just wanted to fuck and I told him that and said I couldn’t do it. It was really the only time I flat out turned him down.”
Fizz tapped one of his metal claws on his knee in thought. “Okay…how did your meetups go after that?”
“They didn’t.”
“Huh?”
“We hadn’t met up on a full moon at all since before Ozzie’s. Not until last week…” Blitzø sat back up on the couch and pulled his knees up to his chest, arms wrapped around them and rested his chin on his knees. “He gave me excuses not to come every month. Sometimes he said he wasn’t up to it, sometimes he said I must be tired from work and didn’t have to come if I didn’t wanna.
“He just…portalled the book back and forth so he could do whatever fucking star prophecy shit he had to do. He brought the thing at Ozzie’s up once and when I asked why he just laughed it off and said it was funny and then immediately went back to being fucking horny. I only saw him once in all that time and it was because his daughter broke into my office to steal his book and we had to go to the human world to go get her.”
“Okay…I see where this is going.” Fizz mirrored Blitzø’s hunched posture, sitting close enough their legs were touching and their faces were inches apart. “So, you guys aren’t seeing each other and aren't really talking. He was working to get this crystal for you so you don’t have to have a weird sex deal and you think that since he doesn’t care about you passed him having a weird imp fetish that you turning him down once was all it was gonna take for him to break the deal and leave you hanging. ”
Blitzø groaned and buried his face in his knees. “Sounds stupid when you put it like that.”
“I don’t think it’s stupid.”
Blitzø turned his head back up just enough to peek at his friend with one eye.
“Okay, it is pretty fucking stupid.” Fizz continued, earning another groan. “But it only sounds stupid now. I mean…most royal demons do treat imps like shit. If he didn’t make his feelings clear before…I probably would have thought the same thing if I were you. I…kind of did? You know, obviously, not the same but…it took me a long time to believe when Oz told me he cared about me…but he was patient with me cause he understood.”
Blitzø was quiet and wouldn’t look Fizz in the face.
“Come on Blitzø,” he urged, reaching out to gently push at his friend’s leg. “It’s all out in the open now, right? He gave you the crystal, it couldn’t have been that bad.”
When he remained quiet, Fizz frowned and narrowed his eyes. “...Really? What…what happened?”
Blitzø finally sat up and ran a hand down his face. “If you laugh I swear to Satan, I will shoot you.”
“Off to a fan-fucking-tastic start.”
He glared at Fizz around his fingers before dropping his hand and sighing. “He texted me saying he really wanted to see me this month. I think it’s just going to be a totally normal meetup but I want to make sure it’s really good just in case he was…getting bored of me. I show up, big fucking bag of sex toys, and the first thing he does is ask for his book back.”
“So, you panicked?”
“Of course I panicked Fizz!” He threw his arms up. “I fucking begged him.”
“Sorry, not judging, go ahead.”
Blitzø tilted his head back and stared at the ceiling. That night had been playing on a loop in his head all week and it stung every time but actually relaying it out loud was making him feel sick from how his stomach twisted. “So, I beg him not to take the book like a little bitch. Cried and everything. He pulls out the crystal and tells me I don’t need the book anymore…I…I thought…without the book…there was no reason for him to want to see me anymore. So, I’m just…freaking out. Told him I’d do better just…anything to not have him…give up on me…”
He paused and took a deep breath. “He said…it wasn’t fair to force me to see him just to keep I.M.P running. That with the crystal I didn’t have to stay with him, I had a choice to and that he wanted me to choose to stay and I...”
Fizz raised his eyebrows at the shameful look on Blitzø’s face as he dropped his head back down to look him in the eye. “I didn’t believe him. I couldn’t. I already didn’t think there was any way someone like Stolas could ever look at me and see…anything. And after nothing for months…I thought back to the night at Ozzie’s…the last time he had acted like he wanted something romantic and just…figured it was the same. Like he was giving me a do-over. I made it clear, full moons are his night. I do what he wants. He didn’t get his stupid fucking romance roleplay after that shit show of a date…”
Fizz groaned and dropped his head into his hands. “I need you to say ‘psych’ right fucking now…” he grumbled.
“Would you believe me if I said that’s not the worst part?”
“You’re killing me Blitzø, get on with it.”
He sighed before continuing. “So, I realize he’s serious and I am just fucking it all the way up but…he said he wanted me to stay, right? So…I try but I can’t figure out the right thing to say and he’s ready to fuck off. Walking off in his big ass fucking palace and won’t even look at me.”
Fizz lifts his head and nods along with his brows furrowed.
“Says if I can’t even believe that he cares about me and not just sex that he has his answer. I…I couldn’t help it, I got fucking pissed. How is that fair, Fizz? After a fucking year of it just being sex what else was I supposed to think? I couldn’t even think! No warning or anything…but fine, he said he wants me to stay so let’s hash it the fuck out…he still wouldn’t look at me…he wouldn’t listen.”
Blitzø closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “So, I was an asshole. Told him that he didn’t get to dismiss me like I was part of his fucking staff. He couldn’t drop his feelings on me out of fucking nowhere and turn his back on me when I need a fucking minute to process…that I wasn’t letting him play with my feelings how pompous royal assholes do to guys like us…”
His eyes were welling up with tears again, he let out a shaky breath and met Fizz’s eyes looking devastated.
“What…did he say?” His voice stayed quiet and soft, like if he spoke too loudly Blitzø would shatter like glass.
“‘I think so very highly of you. I didn’t know you think so low of me.’” Blitzø recited without a moment of hesitation. As soon as the words were out it was like something snapped inside of him. He let out a choked sob and the dam behind his eyes broke. His shoulders shook and he dropped his head. “I…I tried to reach out and apologize…I fell through a portal…and I was outside. I’d never…seen him cry before Fizz.”
Fizz hurried forward to wrap his arms and legs around him in a full body hug, extending the prosthetics with a whirl to wrap around the both of them like he was holding his friend together. Blitzø’s arms held onto him tightly in return, his hand grabbed fistfuls of his shirt at his back.
“He…he’s gotten hurt…twice…because of me…” Blitzø began to ramble and buried his face into Fizz’s shoulder. “I fucked up Fizz…I ruin…everything. I make everyone’s lives worse…”
“Woah, hey,” Fizz interrupted, keeping his gruff voice as gentle as he could. “You gotta know that’s not true. Lots of people are way better off having known you, including me.”
“It is!” Blitzø’s hands balled into fists against Fizz’s back as his tears soaked through his shirt at his shoulder. “I dunno know you can forgive me after what I did to you…the people I care about get hurt because all I know how to do is fuck up…”
“What happened to me was an accident, Blitzø,” Fizz whispered. “You don’t have to beat yourself up about it forever. You just…need to talk to him. Like you did with me, right?”
“You didn’t see his face Fizz…He…he thinks I hate him. He looked…crushed because I was such a fucking asshole…”
They sat like that for a long time, Blitzø cried until Fizzarolli’s shoulder was soaked through with his tears and his sobs slowly turned into raspy breaths. Fizz held him tightly, arms and legs gently squeezing him as he shook and he slowly rocked them like they had done as crying children. Eventually, Blitzø had run out of tears and his hands that had a death grip on the back of Fizz’s shirt started to go slack. Fizz slowly retracted his limbs and went to get him a glass of water, knowing his throat must be feeling raw from his crying.
Fizzarolli sighed as he handed Blitzø his drink and his eyes drifted back to the wall of pictures to scan across the collage of smiling faces; an imp woman with a wide grin and a gap in her teeth, her husband with a much more shy smile, the grumpy face of the young hellhound his friend had adopted. There were even pictures of them back when the two of them and Blitzø’s twin were in the circus; posing after a show, playing in the tent where they lived during their down time, and with the horses that a younger Blitzø had spent hours at a time gushing over. Even in the pictures where his face was young and full of innocence, thick black scratches covered him.
He slowly sat back down on the couch. “Blitzø…how much do you actually…know about Stolas?”
The imp sniffled and raised an eyebrow at him. “I…what? We’ve been fucking for a year Fizz, the hell do you mean?”
Fizzarolli summoned all the patience he had in his body to resist rolling his eyes. “But do you know him? Has he ever talked about his life during the, what, 25 years since you hung out as little kids?”
Blitzø blinked and frowned at him. “I…I guess not really?”
“And have you?”
His body went tense but he didn’t say anything.
“Look, Blitzø…I need you to really hear me here, okay?”
Blitzø nodded.
“You’re an idiot.”
“Offended, thanks.” He sniffled again.
“But he’s an idiot too. I know you love to blame yourself but this isn’t entirely on you. Both of you messed up, but…I don’t think it could have gone any other way.”
“Oh, so you do agree. It was doomed from the start.”
“Blitzø shut up.” Fizzarolli clenched his jaw and raised his hands to his temple to rub away the migraine his friend was determined to give him. “Stolas doesn’t know you, Blitzø. He probably has no idea what actually set you off, he probably has no idea that you panicked and acted like an asshole cause you were scared and that’s what you do.”
Blitzø crossed his arms and looked away from Fizzarolli as he continued. “And I don’t think he was trying to upset you when he walked off…it sounds like he was just…shutting down, more like I do when I’m scared. You know that’s what I do and you know how to handle it because you know me. It sounds like he was scared too…”
Blitzø’s eyes slowly looked back at Fizz’s face, his friend offering him a gentle smile as he continued. “I don’t think anything you said to him was…wrong really. Harsh, yeah but sounds like stuff he probably needed to hear…and if he really cares about you like he says then he was right to call off the stupid deal.”
“You…uh, you really think there might still…still be a chance, then?”
Fizz tilted his head. “If you idiots can actually apologize and talk to each other, then yeah. But I mean it, you have to actually let him in Blitzø. And he has to let you in, too.”
Blitzø’s eyes darted down to the floor and he started to slouch back down into the couch again. Fizz’s arm stretched out to place a comforting hand on his arm, trying to catch him before he retreated too far into himself. “Don’t let yourself get in your head, you have every right to be happy Blitzø. It doesn’t have to be all at once but… someone that really loves you will love all your messy fucked up bits, too.”
“I’m nothing but fucked up bits and he’s…” Blitzø sighed and looked back to Fizz with a sad frown. “I don’t deserve him, Fizz.”
“He’s not a kid, he can decide that kind of thing for himself. Fuck what you guys ‘deserve’, this is Hell. If what you want is each other then you just gotta go for it.”
“Yeah…maybe…” Blitzø sighed and felt Fizzarolli take his hand in his.
It felt nice to have his friend back, to have someone who understood. While Fizz’s words had brought some comfort, they couldn’t completely silence the nagging voice in his head but he did finally have the strength to push back. Stolas had been hurt because of him, just like so many others who tried to get close to him. Fizzarolli had gotten hurt, that was arguably the worst thing Blitzø had ever done and yet somehow he had been able to forgive him. Blitzø was truly trying to be better these days and while he had still been keeping most of his loved ones at arm's length and definitely still fucked up regularly, he did have demons around him that hadn’t given up on him. Maybe Stolas wouldn’t either.
Fizzarolli made it clear he had no plans of leaving that night and the warmth of his bright grin and joyful laugh helped hold the cold edges of Blitzø’s panic at bay. They sat on the couch, tails curled together while they lazily munched through their snacks and continued to chat. Things were going well for Fizz after his retirement from Mammon and Blitzø had to admit that things were going well for I.M.P as well. They talked late into the night until Fizz started to doze off on Blitzø’s shoulder. Growing up in the circus, they had spent plenty of nights sleeping cooped up in too small of spaces, so they easily made due getting comfortable together on the couch to settle in for some much needed sleep.
Blitzø closed his eyes and tried to allow the sound of Fizz’s snores to lull him to sleep. In the quiet of his living room, the walls began to feel like they were closing in again. His mind taking it’s last chance to try and break him before he could slip into a peaceful rest.
I didn’t know you think so low of me…
“I don’t…” he whispered to himself as he drifted off. He thought the world of Stolas, and he would show him.