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Sirius did not know he was what he feared most. He feared becoming his mother, becoming his nightmares, becoming part of that family name that hangs over his head like an anvil waiting to drop.
He however did know that whatever he touched was cursed. Cursed to be broken, to be so broken down that the damage was irreversible. Sirius remembers seeing his parents favourited child be handed a gift for his wonderful efforts of living up to his surname. Regulus Black. How he hates and loves him. It was a plain gift; a simple statue of an owl, made from clay and other materials his foggy memory couldn’t remember. He remembers how his heart sunk as he father gave him a hard look and then pivoted on his heel and walked off without a single word.
He asked to hold to bird, see how heavy it was. See how much more love his parents had for his younger brother. It was heavy like the burdens he carried; it was of high quality, handmade and finessed perfectly.
He touched it.
Sirius put his plagued hands on the poor bird. The wings could no longer flutter away from him. So once put back in his brother’s hands, a chip newly appeared. Even though it was handled with care, the care he never had, there was a dent that he tried so hard not to put there. His parents found out and a screaming session occurred the next day. He hated how he grew up, how he was treated and vowed to never be like them, but a bird with broken wings can only fly so far away from its home, the curse in his case.
He wanted to just be selfish for a second, to see if it was true that he was stuck in No Man’s Land; too pathetic for his family, too cruel for his companions.
So when he fucked up by telling Severus about his beloved Moony, he knew the following moment, he knew as soon the polluted breath left his mouth that his inner monologue was true- he was just another black, and he wasn’t the only one that thought that.
They all did. All his friends, his lover, his best friend, all of them stared right back at him with the same thoughts,
He is just a Black.
It was his nature to curse whatever he touched, people too, to let them feel close for him to mess it up. Always push it slightly too far, see how much he can get away with just before the string its pulled too tight and snaps- just like Remus.
“I TRUSTED YOU! H-How could you do this to me? I tried so hard proving to myself and others, proving to YOU, that I am more than just a monster, more than just a killer, that every moon I become into the thing I hate the most, but you destroyed that in two fucking seconds!
I thought that you were different, that your not just another shitty black, that you care, that you have some fucking respect after your mother cursed you, after your father beat you, after your brother revealed your secrets, but no! How wrong was I? You’re just a fucking black, it is in your blood, in your mind and you just cannot help and be like the people you hate the most! Did you enjoy using my trust to just obliterate it? DID YOU? Was it so fucking funny to you how gullible I was? Did you laugh at my scars behind my back?
I never want to see your fucking filthy face EVER again! Do you hear me black? Keep your fucking curse away from me and my mates!”
Everyone ignored him, everyone pretended his was merely air, that he wasn’t a large part of their lives before he threw it all away.
Of course everyone was hurting but moony was adamant in not forgiving Sirius. Even though he loved him so fiercely, he despised him at the same time. James screamed at Sirius three nights after the event about how much of a shitty person he was, and Sirius knew it was true, knew he deserved it. A part of him almost enjoyed being punished as he knew that it could balance out all of the wrongs he committed.
His past friends ignored him for just over a month before it was Christmas break, when he saw them doing a secret santa, they all had large smiles on their faces and Sirius couldn’t help the ache that pulsed in his heart and body. In that split moment he realised his small and extended friend groups were better off without him, so he made it his mission to distance himself so far that the incident in their minds was forgotten and the person they once knew weren’t in their brains at all. That Sirius Black would be nothing to them.
Normally over breaks he would try to stay over at the Potter’s as James hated his parents and his parents were always so welcoming, but this time when stepping off the train, James pulled his parents away almost immediately after initial greetings. James’ mother was confused and asked where Sirius was and he shrugged it off and saying he had politely declined the offer this year.
Sirius stepped into his parents view and the torture began.
He wasn’t good enough so curses and insults were thrown on a daily basis. Regulus wouldn’t interject but would tend to his wounds afterwords, mumbling half-hearted apologies.
It all came to a heads two days before the holiday ended, where Sirius was being extra defiant to his parents orders. Their temper was short but the line of curses thrown at him were long.
The final blow being “CRUCIO!”. His body rattled with dark magic, his heart pulsed irregularly, his view of the world was fogged and blurred and his face was screaming. He lied there’d choking in his own blood at the feet of his mother, who was smiling over him. His moth gurgled, crimson liquid splilling over his mouth, dripping frequently onto the hard wooden floor below.
He laughed, he laughed as if he was insane- this was balancing out his mistakes, his sins. So even though he wanted to beg for mercy only one mere word exited his mouth,
”More.”
Sirius went back to school with many new scars, a large one going from his right nostril to the rip tip of his mouth, and slightly smaller one straight through his left eyebrow. His back was decorated with many different whippings and physiologically he was scarred too. He lost lots of weight, his already pointy cheekbones and jaw line becoming evermore prominent. His collarbone pronounced and his eye bags and cheeks hollow.
James noticed and felt guilty, even though he was angry at his brother, he still did not want him to be tortured, so when he saw not a fully healed scar on his face, still pulsing and oozing puss- he winced knowing he could have prevented it. He did not want to give up on Sirius yet he did not want to anger Remus by helping him.
Sirius changed his timetable so he wouldn’t see his friends when eating, in lessons, walking around the grounds and studying. He changed it all for them.
Two months went by and Sirius got worse and worse. Due to not seeing his friends he got suicidal- his mother’s voice constantly lingering in the back of his head telling him he was a failure at home and school.
Remus had had time to calm down and think and was ready to slowly start seeing Sirius again, as he missed him dearly. Yet, he had not seen his new scars, as Sirius religiously avoided them, so when accidentally passing by him in the walls his stomach dropped and he slowed down walking.
He knew his parents were abusive but not too that extent.
He needed to talk to him, but for that week it felt like the biggest obstacle ever. Sirius looked deathly and the school noticed and sent a letter to his parents informing of his poor health. One Wednesday night, Remus decided to find Sirius, yet he couldn’t and after interrogating Regulus he found out he was sent home the previous day.
Sirius never came back to school and after a week Remus started to have a gut feeling.
And he was right, Minerva pulled them into an empty classroom one evening, and had a solemn expression on her face, and she told them to sit down.
“I am sorry to tell you this, but Sirius Black is dead. It’s very unfortunate, if you need anything from any member of staff please let us know.”
That’s when Peter’s, James’ and Remus’ worlds crashed.
After Minerva gave her condolences she left but before she left Remus muttered how he was killed and she whispered an unforgivable curse and suicide. The three young boys remained in the now quiet classroom. None of them could believe it. Sure, they hadn’t talked to Sirius for months, but they were slowly starting to come to peace with the event and were taking steps to forgive him
Now they could never see him again; Sirius died with thinking they all hated him.
”Why would he go back?” James asked, his hand tugging at his hair furiously. Peter started off into space, a dazed look in his eyes and Remus felt sick in his own skin, he felt like if he peeled all of his dirty skin off Sirius could come back to life, could see him smile like he did before the prank, but he wouldn’t never see Sirius again, only in a coffin and being slowly lowered into the ground. These thoughts made him retch and promptly throw up on the nearby floor.
His Sirius was dead. Dead.
He couldn’t get over it, his eyes watered and hearing muffled, verging became foggy for a second before the dam broke and he let out of choked sob. His emotions streamed down his eyes blended in into his cheeks- the stubble on his jaw stopping them from dripping further down, staining the floor below him.
Remus doesn’t remember what happened next and so when he woke up in the infirmary with his remaining friends and Dumbledore surrounding him he was confused. Dumbledore said he was going to explain what happened in more detail and answer any questions.
When Sirius was a home he was abused more, his mental state did not get any better so he was further abused than ever and one fateful night his mother uttered the words “Avarda Kedavra!”, with pure hate and malice shining in her eyes, the pain was so strong that Sirius muttered a crucio, not to defend himself, but to end all of his suffering.
His final thought being, ‘Remus, my moony, please forgive me’
And his wish was granted on the day of his funeral, Remus stilled loved him dearly and after everyone left and he was still there swaying in the wind, he said something he also wanted to say, “You are not just another black, your a fucking star and you have exploded, and I hate you for not taking me with you.”
Remus was found the next morning with swollen eyes and damp cheeks curled up on top of Sirius’ grave. He suffered with all the next full moons, wishing his padfoot would come trotting to him, licking the salty tears with affection, yet alas it never happened.
One morning, five shadowy months later after Sirius’ death, Remus was found hanging on the back of his dorm door, with cuts on his left and right forearms. He couldn’t live without his stupid lover.
On a foggy evening, James walked down to the cemetery, walking to the far right and stopping abruptly under a willow tree, placing two bouquets of flowers on the two graves next to each other. “Please reunite. I hope you're both enjoying paradise up there, see you next Thursday.”
James was right, Sirius’ and Remus’ souls were tangled in each other, their memories and lives being forgotten as they settled into peace.