Chapter Text
It was the birds that pulled him out of his trance. He looked towards the window to see a faint glow emanating from the gap in the curtains. He had been up all night but there was a possibility that he had dozed off at a few points, his head had been resting on the desk for a while now as he couldn’t seem to find the energy to lift it back up. Alex stood up, his legs shaky and his head protesting against the sudden elevation change. His guitar rested haphazardly against his bed frame and he walked over to pack it back in its case, so he wouldn’t forget to bring it.
He shuffled towards the bathroom and inadvertently caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He definitely looked like someone who had stayed awake all night, trying to adjust to his suddenly busy schedule. But more than that, he looked tired. The kind of tired that doesn’t reside after one all-nighter, the kind that goes deeper than skin – it settles in your bones and brain and makes everything feel more dulled. This kind of tiredness was harder to excuse, but he knew he had to.
In an effort to make himself look more presentable, Alex made his way over to the sink and splashed cool water on his face. This succeeded in waking him up a bit, pulling him slightly more out of the dazed, disassociated state that had seemed to linger with him ever since the tour ended. He shaved, brushed his teeth, stole some of Louise’s fancy moisturizer, and contemplated whether or not he would need sun cream. He had to admit that it looked like it would be a beautiful day. The British weather seemed to have finally gotten the memo that it was no longer winter and the rays of sun peeking through the window made it impossible to not smile slightly. It was deceptive, however, while it was sunny his weather app told him what he had already figured – it was still cold. It was a perfectly crisp summer morning, not too hot but still sunny.
He spent a good while getting dressed. Alex knew he was overthinking it, but he wanted to give his friends a good impression. After all, he had barely seen them since the tour ended. He chose one of his favorite suits that always made him feel comfortable on stage. But pulling on the trousers he realised that something was wrong. He pulled it up over his hips, but the waistband kept sliding down much too far. If he wore a belt with it the fabric would bunch up too much and look bad, so he decided to just wear some jeans and solve the mystery of the growing trousers later. He was in too much of a rush to care much about it.
Rifling through his wardrobe he realized that he hadn’t done the washing in far too long, he’d been mostly wearing his pajamas as he wasn’t going out much. There were limited options but eventually, he pulled out a pair of bootcut denim jeans. Alex smiled as he remembered when he wore them last. it was 2009 and he bought them from a vintage shop in London, the cashier had given him a strange look and told him that they were from the women’s section. If that had happened now, he would have been embarrassed, but that year he hadn’t cared. He got mistaken for a girl a lot sure, but it never bothered him how feminine he looked.
The jeans fit surprisingly well, he had been slightly worried that they would be too small as he’d been sure that he’d gained a bit of weight since he was 24, he was (slightly) taller now. It was as he was pondering this that his phone buzzed
“I just got to the studio, are you on your way?"
It was from Matt. He realized that he had spent a full 15 minutes deciding on what to wear. He sent a quick message confirming to Matt that he was heading out and grabbed his guitar case. As he was about to leave his room he passed the notebook perched on the edge of the desk, he slipped it into his jacket pocket and opened the door.
The weather had been quite nice recently and that day was no exception, it was sunny and bright, yet there was a pleasant breeze in the air. As he made his way to the studio -stopping occasionally to check Google Maps- he began to feel strangely nervous. This was the longest he’d gone without seeing his bandmates, and even though he had known them since they were kids, he couldn’t help but feel like he didn’t belong with them. And as he prepared for the interview with Matt, he wondered whether or not things had changed between them. Since finishing the tour he’d had a nagging feeling that something in their friendship was just… off.
He thought back to that day in 2009. They had just finished a very successful gig, the crowd had loved it and they were in a beautiful city. Someone had suggested that they go out for drinks and that was exactly what they did, Alex had gotten so hammered he barely even remembered that night. And if it wasn’t for one part of it, he probably wouldn’t have remembered it at all.
The bar had died down and most of its occupants were getting ready to go back to their respective residences. The sun was beginning to peak through the curtains and lure the drunken bar-goers towards the taxi ranks.
Alex had lost sight of the others quite some time ago, but he wasn’t worried. The hotel was just down the road and they all had their phones on them. He reached into his pocket to retrieve it, but his hands were shaking from the combination of weed and vodka shots he’d been indulging in all night. He fumbled with it for a second before dropping it. “Shit” he murmured, crouching down to pick it up. Before he could reach it, however, another hand reached down and scooped it up.
“I think I should hang onto this, it’s probably safer with me” Matt smiled, pocketing Alex’s phone.
Alex doubted that, they were both equally pissed and although Matt seemed more coherent than himself, the glazed look in his eyes told him otherwise.
He vaguely heard the bartender announcing that they were closing, before he felt himself being led towards the exit. The intoxication (that he’d been pretending didn’t exist in order to order more drinks at the bar) seemed to have suddenly come crashing down on him. He only registered the fact that they were outside when the cool air hit his face.
They sat down at the taxi rank as Matt rifled through his pockets.
“You know,” he said, pulling out a pack of Camels.
“You were great up there tonight” he smiled at Alex who grinned back at him, retrieving his own pack of fags (unfortunately, he had smoked most of them before the show and he was now down to his last one).
“Yer weren’t too bad yerself” he replied
“No, really” Matt lit the cigarette that was resting between his lips and took a long drag before continuing.
“I couldn’t stop watching ya, your singing and shit it’s just…” he turned to look at the other man.
“I don’t know how you manage to doubt yourself so much”
Alex sighed, lighting his fag. “I guess… I just don’t really feel like I’m what people would imagine when they think ‘front man’”
Matt laughed “Oh come on, everyone knows they always put the prettiest person at the front, eye candy and whatnot.”
He prayed that the darkness masked the flushed look on his face that couldn’t be blamed completely on the alcohol. He watched as his friend put his cigarette out on the floor, just as he was taking a final puff from his. As Matt took his pack out again to grab a second, Alex seized the opportunity and reached over to pluck it from his finger.
“Oi you-“He smirked and lunged playfully towards Alex, who quickly stood up and stepped backward before turning around and taking off down the street.
With Matt on his heel, he darted down a dimly lit alleyway. He giggled, looking back over his shoulder before swiftly colliding with a brick wall. He hit his hip bone against the hard surface and swore loudly – keeling over and subsequently dropping the stolen fag down a gutter.
“Ow, fucking wall! Who thought it was a good idea to put a dead end here?” he muttered in defeat as Matt (now walking) approached where he was crouched.
“Karma man”
Alex gave him a glare and stood up to lean against the wall. Matt joined him, standing opposite Alex on the other side of the narrow passageway. There was an awkward silence as the single streetlamp that was illuminating their surroundings buzzed and flickered periodically. When it was finally broken, it was Alex who spoke.
“I uh… I meant what I said back there by the way”
Matt turned to face him, confused.
“You know... about the whole ‘front man’ thing?” he continued
“What are you asking me, Al?”
Alex sighed, “Why me? I mean, I’ve always been the awkward one. It’s my fucked-up head.” he said the last part under his breath, but Matt still heard him. He knew what Alex was referring to.
“Don’t, don’t say that”
Alex scoffed, “Why not? It’s true isn’t it?”
“Because I meant what I said”
Alex looked up at Matt as he started speaking again
“you’re the face of the band, and I know it’s a lot- for anyone- but for you in particular. Hell, when we first started this whole thing you were adamant that you weren’t even a candidate for it. But that first concert we did, something changed when you got on stage. I can’t imagine anyone else in your place.”
“I’m good eye candy then?” Alex joked
“The best”