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Michael was like every other human, he had emotions and felt things. At times, he felt everything a bit too much. No matter how hard he tried, it was like he was stuck in this sea of emotions. Either he felt everything or nothing. It was so cliche it made him want to puke. He knows that he should be happy because he has so many people that love him. It just isn’t that easy; a million people can love you, but you need to love yourself, too.
Loving himself. What a nice thought, unrealistic but nice. How could he love himself? He wasn’t right. He had a tummy and wasn’t as attractive as everyone else. Sure, he had cool hair, but it only meant so much. He wanted more, wanted to be more. Being in the band was cool, but it also had a way of crushing him. Performing was hard when all he wanted to do was sleep, but he knew that it was part of the job. Calling it a job seems wrong, he loves it more than he would love a job. Being in the band is a passion and love.
After just getting into the car on the way to the hotel, all he can think about is why he feels this way. If everything is so good, then why does it feel like his chest is caving in. Everyone is calm post-show, so no one notices that he is lost in his own head. At least, he didn’t think anyone would notice.
“Mikey, you okay?”
Of course, Calum was the one to notice. Michael loves Calum, he really does, but it’s not fun to talk to someone who is killing you about why you want to give up. He has to think of a reply, even if he doesn’t want to answer. He can’t just up and say that he wants to die. Not while he’s in a car with Luke and Ashton, anyway. He can tell Calum that back at the hotel.
“I’m fucking great. Dude, we played a killer show. Why wouldn’t I be fine?”
The reply is filled with lies, and he knows that Calum won’t buy it for a second. At least he answered. Putting in his headphones, he hopes to delay the rest of this conversation.
At the hotel, he gets his hotel key and heads to his room. The first thing he does is head for the shower.
As the water pours on him, he remembers why he was sad in the first place. Everyone seems to be with someone else. It seems stupid, but he was lonely. His brain wasn’t good at shuting up, and he wished that someone would care about him enough to let him talk it all out. Logically, the boys cared, but they were all so busy. They all had people they were in love with, except for Calum, and you can’t talk about heartbreak to the person unkowingly breaking your heart.
Slowly, he sunk down so he was sitting in the shower. Pathetic. He was fucking pathetic. Sitting in a shower sad about a boy who only loved him as a friend. If anything, he should be happy that Calum even loved him as a friend. He was lucky for that. It just wasn’t enough. He could never get enough of Calum. Not when he was so etheral. Michael can’t ever get enough of him. The thing that not many people know is that there are so many parts to Calum. There are so many things that make him him, and Micahel is in love with all of them.
He loves the Calum that is slightly cranky from lack of sleep. He loves the Calum whose face lights up at every puppy he sees. He loves the sarcastic Calum. He loves it all. He wants to get lost in every part of him. The problem is that Calum doesn’t want him to.
Before the band was a thing, he had told Calum how he felt. He told him that he was in love with a boy who had brown eyes and a heart that beamed like the sun; it didn’t matter, though. Calum didn’t feel the same, he even had a girl he was talking to. Really, Michael should have expected it. Cal always had someone he was talking to, and they were always better than Michael. Calum stayed at his that night and said it didn’t matter because they were still them.
At that point, the shower had gone cold, and he didn’t feel like being a prune. He got up and walked from the bathroom into the bedroom. He put on some underwear and some jeans and a shirt. After all, his mind had been made for a while. He was waiting until he got this bad again, but he didn’t know that it would be tonight. Trying to keep it together for so long was finally catching up to him. His demons had caught up to him, and he’s never been good at avoiding them.
He knew how to avoid them once and for all, though. He knew that this hotel had a roof. He knew it was the twenty-fourth floor, and he knew how to get there. All he had to do was get up from this bed and go. So, that’s what he did. He got up and started walking. As the elevator got higher and higher, he felt an odd sense of comfort.
After a few minutes, he was on the roof. The cold air was chilling his bones, and the wind was doing ungodly things to his hair. He perched himself on the edge of the buiding and sat down. He wanted to think a bit before he couldn’t think anymore. He thought about the last time he was in this position. He thought about how last time, he had called Calum because Calum had always seen the dark parts of him.
When his demons started to win, he called Calum. It was always fucking Calum. He brought sanity and reason. Of course, he called Calum because he was scared and not ready to go. He needed him there to remind him of what hope felt like. That’s why he called him at 12:00.
“Cal, fuck, C-Calum. I screwed up shit I fucked up bad.”
“What the hell did you do. Oh my god, please tell me you aren’t drunk and pranking me to see how concerned I’ll get.”
Calum’s voice was filled with panic because, honestly, he had no clue what Michael could have done. It took him a second to respond, but, when he did, Calum was shocked by how week it sounded.
“Just, can you please come over. Please...”
Michael had hung up before Calum could even respond. It didn’t take him long to get to Michael’s. He knocked, and, when no one answered, he just went in. For some reason, everything seemed still. The kind of stillness that preceds something big and bad. He went to Michael’s room and found him. He was sitting on his bed, curled up on himself.
“Mikey,” he asked from, but, when he got no response, he went up to the boy. “C’mon roll over. I’m here, just let me see you.”
Michael rolled over, and Calum saw his arm. He saw the blood and slashes, and it was like he felt all the air leave his body.
“Dude, dude, shit holy-fuck-are-you-okay.”
Sure, he wasn’t being coherant, but he couldn’t seem to care. Michael seemed to understand what he said, though.
“Calum, I can’t fucking do it. I can’t keep pretending that I’m okay. I’m dying. I feel this blackness consuming me. I either feel everything or nothing. I’m so fucking sick of this. I just want to be normal and okay.”
As he spoke, the tears fell down his cheeks, and he knew that he sounded pathetic. He knew that he sounded dumb, but he couldn’t quite care.
“Shit, dude. It’s going to be okay. Just breathe. Don’t think about anything, right now. Think of tonight. Right now, it’s only tonight. Think about only right now.”
Calum knew he was repeating a mantra, and he was also aware of how Michael was looking. He knew his words probably wouldn’t help, so he began to pull the boy into him. He held him so close that their bodies ran together. He wanted to be the glue, and, fuck, he wanted to put all the pieces of Michael back together. Michael cried a lot that night, but, once Calum came, he didn’t cry alone.
That was a long time ago. That was a night in Sydney when he was stupid enough to think that the boy you love could fix it all. He’s older now and definitely not in Sydney. He doesn’t actually know where they are- he thinks it’s Philidelphia. Either way, this isn’t like last time.
Last time, he stopped in his pursuit because he had this hope that it would get better. He had also been in his own house, and he knew his family would have to find him. Honestly, that was all that stopped him. He didn’t know what they would think. He doesn’t know what they will think of this either. He knows it’ll kill his mum, but maybe she will understand.
Above him, there is a sky full of stars, but below him there is nothing but concrete. Oddly enough, both scenes seem welcoming. Off handedly, he hopes that when he dies that he could be a star. He could be a bright becon in the sky. Maybe then he would be something good. Breathing in the cold air, he realizes just what he is about to do.
He pulls out his phone because he has a goodbye that needs to be said.
To: Cal
I’m going to do it, Cal. The roof is lovely, but it doesn’t compare to you. I hope I become a star. Maybe then I will be something beautiful that you will admire. I know that you’ve always loved the stars. Maybe you will love me now.
Hitting send was easy. He turns off his phone because, honestly, he doesn’t want to read Calum’s reply. He’s sitting on the edge, and no text will change that.
Standing up, he realizes how shaky he is. He doesn’t know if it’s from the stress, cold, or anxiety, but it’s probably a bit of all three. His feet are on the verge. He is standing on both life and air. He’s about to do it. With the next breeze, he’s going to let it lull him down. Just as he feels it coming, he hears the heavy door to the roof open.
“Michael, please, f-fuck get away from the ledge. Breathe, breathe and walk toward me, please.”
Standing there, he looks so welcoming. He looks like he is ready to pull Michael into him. He’s right there. The thing that makes him want to fight is right there, but Michael isn’t walking toward him. He hears Calum say his name as if it is a prayer.
“Michael, please...I love you.”
It’s three words too late. His confession is swallowed by the wind. The wind has carried his words and his love away. Now it’s only Calum on the twenty-fourth floor. Michael is gone, but Calum won’t look over the ledge to see. No, the screams of those below tell him all he needs to know.