Chapter Text
Finn has been awake, but bedridden, for around a week when the first person other than Poe comes by. They're timid at first, peeking past the curtain that surrounds his bed before saying hello. They gently brush the curtain aside so they can come in. Finn doesn't recognise them, but they're wearing a pilot uniform, so he knows that they must have some connection to Poe. She sits down at his bedside, a small smile on her pretty face, her hair a short, messy bob.
"I've heard a lot about you from Poe, he said you could do with more company." She starts, looking nervous and little out of place on the hard metal chair that usually occupied Poe. Finn gave her a small smile, despite the fact that his shoulders were stiff with pain. “My name’s Lo-lah.” She went quiet again, wringing her hands in her lap. Finn watched her for a moment.
“Nice to meet you, Lo-lah. Poe sent you?” He asks, pulling up his thin blanket a little higher on his chest. He was wearing a light hospital gown, easy to open at the back, and it made him feel exposed. Especially as she looked at him, eyes roaming his upper body, as if she were trying to figure something out.
“Yeh… sort of. He said only he was really coming to see you, and he was worried… I thought… maybe I could come talk to you. I’m new here, just joined the resistance. I use to be part of the Republic’s airforce, but after the Hosnian System…” Lo-lah broke off, looking away from Finn, over at the curtain opposite her. She looked like she was wound tight, the muscles in her neck taught, he shoulders straight and back stiff. Her lips were pursed, eyes shiny. “Well, I came here, after.”
Finn sighed, nodding. Poe had mentioned that a few pilots and troopers from the Republic had joined after the Hosnian System was destroyed, having nothing to go back to and no military to to take care of them. Some who had family in other systems went home, some went to the other side of the galaxy, the rest joined the Resistance. Finn didn’t understand those who joined, not really. But he supposed he made the same decision, in the end.
Lo-lah turned her gaze back to him, looking at him expectantly. He looked back at her, and raised his eyebrows in question. She relaxed her shoulders, and crossed her legs. Finn guessed she took that as her cue, as she started talking again.
“My family… they were on Hosnian Prime. I was supposed to be there with them—” Her voice broke, sounding wet with tears. “But I, I wasn’t. I was called out for a training drill, and then we got the call…” Lo-lah trailed off, letting her head hang, her hands covering her face. She sniffled, and wiped away tears. Finn watched her awkwardly, trying to force his face into a sympathetic expression, but he only ended up looking scared. His eyebrows were drawn together, eyes wider than usual. Lo-lah looked up at him, her head bobbing in small nods. “I know, it’s not like I could have done anything for them, it’s not like I could have saved them. But… but I just feel like I should have been there, you know?”
“Um, yeh.” Finn nodded, thinking that was the right thing to say. He had never been in a situation like that. Not even when Rey had been taken by the First Order, he had done everything he could then to get to her, and even she had been taken he had gone above and beyond to try and get her back safe. Lo-lah sighed, and launched into a story about her friends, about how beautiful her home city was, about the food she had loved and the bars she had frequented. She told Finn about all the things she would miss, and about the people she mourned. Finn listened as she spoke, and he wondered why she had come to see him. She had to know that while he sympathised with her, he didn’t even know her, didn’t have the experience with friends and family to empathise completely (although now he was beginning to understand, he had Rey and Poe to care about). It was awkward, and the more she spoke, the more Finn wanted her to leave. But despite this, he could see this was helping her. He could see the stress melting away from her face, a small smile of fondness growing on her face, her sadness abating and being replaced with nostalgia. Talking was helping her, although hearing all these stories made Finn feel worse.
It felt like Lo-lah spoke to Finn for an hour, or even more, before Poe walked in. He paused on the other side of the curtain, listening to Lo-lah talk to Finn about her home and her life before the Resistance. Finn could see his silhouette behind Lo-lah, and he watched the other man hesitate before pulling part of the curtain back. It clicked and scraped as it slid along the curtain rod that hung from the ceiling, the sound sudden and causing Lo-lah to startle.
“Oh! Poe, hi, hey, how are you?” She blushed, looking up at the pilot. Poe gave a half smile and a short wave down at her before turning his attention to Finn.
“Hey buddy. I see you’ve met Lo-lah.” Poe grinned at Finn, moving to stand closer to his cot.
“Oh, yeh. She’s been… nice.” Finn pulled his blanket up higher, up to his chin. His back was burning, the pain tightening his shoulders. His legs were starting to prickle with pin prick pain that ran up and down them, something the medidroid said was a result of not moving his legs for an extended period. It hurt far too much to stretch though, putting pressure on the tender healing skin on his back.
Poe didn’t look convinced by Finn’s assessment of Lo-lah. He raised an eyebrow and turned back to the new recruit. She smiled at him sweetly, pure admiration on her face.
“I think Finn needs a nap.” Poe told her, making an effort to be gentle in his words. He looked down at her with an open expression and a soft smile. She looked up at him for a moment before starting.
“Oh! Oh, of course. Thank you so much for listening Finn, you’re a star!” Lo-lah grinned at him as she stood up. She smoothed the back of pants down, looking shyly at Poe before retreating behind the curtains and out of the med-bay. Poe shook his head, turning to look down at Finn.
“You look like you need some pain meds. I’ll go find a nurse or a medidroid.” He left the small curtained area around Finn’s beds and came back a few moments later, a nurse in tow. The nurse brought with her a small glass of water and a plastic cup with pills in it, which Finn swallowed gratefully. These pills always helped to push the pins and needles in his legs back, and numbed the burning in his back. Poe took the glass and the cup off him, handing them back to the nurse, who smiled at the two of them and left. Poe took Lo-lah’s set, crossing his right leg over his left.
“Sorry about Lo-lah.” Poe began, looking at Finn. Finn shook his head.
“No, she was alright.” Finn insisted, shaking his head. Poe looked skeptical for a moment before shrugging.
“Okay…” Poe let it go, moving on to tell Finn all about his day, his training, Jessika’s crush on a new recruit and how much he’s looking forward to introducing Finn to life outside the medbay.
*
It became more frequent for people Finn had never met to come by when Poe wasn’t around. Lo-lah continued to drop in as well, but slowly her conversations moved away from talking about home and the people she missed, to everything else that was happening around the base. But word had spread that Finn was a good listener, and he took up an unofficial title as counselor. It was draining, and usually always ended up ruining his mood for the rest of the day. He wanted to be there for these people, but every time they spoke about stormtroopers he felt like their problems were his own fault. It made him feel guilty, which made him feel like he had to keep listening.
One day, after another pilot had come by to talk about a particularly grueling mission, Finn cried. He curled into ball on his side, pulling at the tight, healing wound on his back, and gripped his lumpy pillow tight. He buried his face into the pillow and felt angry tears well in his eyes. They fell, dampening the pillowcase, and Finn clenched and unclenched his jaw. He was so tired, and so angry, but he couldn’t place what at. He wanted to yell, to tell everyone to leave him alone, to go to the First Order and hand himself over so he wouldn’t feel so guilty.
Guilty. Finn turned his head so his cheek rested on the pillow, blinking his blurred eyes. That was how he felt. He was angry, and miserable, but guilt was the overriding feeling. Guilty that he couldn’t help the Resistance, that the Hosnian System had been destroyed, that Han had died… It was irrational to feel like all of these things were his fault, that he could stop them, but the more he listened to the people in the Resistance, the more he felt like he could have done more— no, should have done more.
Finn sighed, forcing himself to relax his shoulders and the muscles in his back. The scar throbbed. Behind him, he heard the curtain part, soft footsteps coming inside to his small space. He heard the other person sigh as they collapsed into the metal chair, heard them stretch and their back pop. Poe.
“Finn… you awake?” Poe asked quietly, not wanting to wake up his friend if he was asleep.
“Yeh…” Finn replied, sighing.
“What’s wrong?” Poe asked, and Finn heard the scrapping of the chair on the ground as he moved it closer. Finn sighed again, uncurling himself and rolling onto his back, looking up and Poe. Poe’s eyebrows were drawn together in worry, his lips pursed. It was becoming a common look for him. “You’ve been crying… Finn, is everything okay?”
“Yeh… yeh I’m fine.” Finn nodded, looking away from Poe and up at the ceiling. He heard Poe sigh, felt his hand rest on his bicep.
“You can talk to me, buddy.” Finn thought about it, thought about telling him everything, the people coming to tell him their problems, about how guilty he felt about everything. But he couldn’t do that, not to Poe. Finn shook his head.
“I’m okay.” Finn insisted, looking back to Poe. His chest tightened though, Poe’s expression had changed from worry to hurt.
“I’m your friend, aren’t I? You can tell me anything, that’s what friends are for.” Poe started to pull his hand back from Finn’s arm when he stayed silent, but Finn’s hand shot out and held onto him. Finn bit his lip, eyebrows drawn together.
“No. I mean, yes, you’re my friend, but I don’t want… I don’t want to burden you. I don’t want you to worry about me, or feel bad. I—” Finn started, looking away from Poe again. He held onto his hand, but the position was awkward and pulled at his back, so he slowly let it go. Poe’s hand didn’t move again, it stayed on Finn’s bicep.
“Finn…” Poe started, but sighed, shaking his head. “I want you to tell me everything. I want you to feel like you can talk to me. I’m sure Rey feels the same. We’re you’re friends, we’re here for you. If you don’t want to talk, that’s fine, I won’t push you.” Poe sighed again, looking down at his hand on Finn’s arm. “Nothing you say will make me feel like you’re burdening me. Ever.”
“Okay. I believe you.” Finn nodded to punctuate his words. “So, friends tell each other these things? About things that are bothering them?”
“Yes.” Poe sat back, pulling his hand back and resting them in his lap. Finn felt sorry to feel the warmth of his hand go.
“What about other people? People you don’t know very well?” Finn asked. Poe frowned, tilting his head to the side.
“What do you mean?”
“Like… with Lo-lah, that time. She came here and spoke to me about the Hosnian System, and how she lost people. Is it normal for people you don’t know to talk to you about those things?” Finn asked, watching Poe. The other man shifted in his seat, frowning.
“Not… usually. Some people talk to others about issues that the other person isn’t close to, like a therapist or something. But most people don’t… burden others they don’t know, who don’t want to be a part of those conversations.” Poe paused, looking down at his hands. “Have a lot of people been talking to you?”
Finn shrugged, looking away. He bit his lip and stared at the ceiling, counting the tiles for the hundredth time. There were 56 in his curtained area.
“Finn… you don’t have to let other people talk to you about things you don’t want them to. Especially if it’s upsetting you. Do you want me to ask them to stop?” Poe asked, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his thighs. Finn took a deep breath and sighed.
“I don’t know. Maybe. I think listening to them is helping them though.”
“But it clearly isn’t helping you. Finn, these people have other people they can talk to. There are medidroids programmed to be counselors. You don’t have to hurt yourself by listening to them.” Finn pushed himself up into a sitting position, turning to glare at Poe.
“Half of their problems have to do with the First Order. With stormtroopers. I’m a stormtrooper.”
“No you’re not. Not anymore. You’re part of the Resistance, what you were doesn’t matter anymore.” Poe insisted. Finn huffed angrily, shaking his head.
“Yes it does! It might be my past, but I still was a stormtrooper. Just because I’m now part of the Resistance, it doesn’t mean I’m free from my past. That was me! That was my life!” Finn yelled, balling his hands up into fists at his sides. He breathed heavily, and his glare softened. Poe sat there, letting him yell, a soft smile on his face.
“You’re right, I’m sorry. But just because that was your past, it doesn’t mean that’s your future. You don’t need to punish yourself, okay? I don’t want you to punish yourself. None of that was your choice, and you broke away and saved yourself - saved me - and… and here you are. You’re making your own choices now.” Poe smiled at him. Finn frowned, thinking, and looked down at his hands. He relaxed them, and looked at his palms.
He was free. He was still part of this conflict, but he had choices. He could leave, and go make a life for himself. He could stay, and help the Resistance make life save for everyone else. Finn looked up at Poe, and gave him a soft smile.
“Thanks, Poe.”
“Anytime, buddy. Anytime. Now, about those pesky people using your shoulder to cry on… What do you wanna do?” Poe asked, crossing his legs.
“Oh… um… I think I’ll handle it on my own. Thank you.”
“Suit yourself!” A comfortable silence fell between them before Poe spoke up again. “Oh! I just remembered, I spoke to the doctor earlier and he told me you’re out of here by the end of the week!” Finn laughed, shaking his head.
“Yeh, but I gotta stay in a hoverchair and do serious amounts of physical therapy until I’m cleared to walk on my own again...”
They chatted for the next half hour, until a young pilot came to fetch Poe for a meeting with General Organa. When he was gone, Finn thought about their conversation. He knew Poe was right. It wasn’t good to continue to be the shoulder to cry on for others. He’d support them, he couldn’t not do that, but he had to take care of himself as well. So Finn made the decision to talk to each of them when they next came by, to say he wanted to be friends, but he didn’t want to just talk about the bad things with them. He needed some good, too.