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“Did you know he was gay?”
Alex’s back snapped straight up when his mother’s words processed in his brain.
She knew. Oh god, she knew. How did she know? How could she possibly know? He’d been so careful! Not even his sister knew!
“What?” His voice squeaked so high it sounded pre-pubescent. He cleared his throat before repeating himself. “What? Who’s gay?”
“Elton John,” Mary eyed her son from the other end of the table, eyebrows raised. “I was asking if you knew he was gay. He has a boyfriend now,” she surmised what the table had clearly been talking about for a while.
“O-oh. Cool,” Alex muttered, ducking his head. It was a celebrity. They didn’t know anything.
“Yeah, I had no idea! It’s pretty cool to see an openly gay celebrity,” his sister, Lauren, chimed in, waving her fork around.
Alex blinked, looking at the older girl. He had no idea she was so cool with gay people… He knew she’d had her eyes opened to all kinds of new groups of people, her words, in the week visit she made to the college she’d be attending the following year, but he was still surprised that she was this accepting after only one trip away.
His eyes darted back to his mum as she started to speak.
“Yes, it’s nice that he is comfortable being himself,” she picked up her glass and took a sip.
Alex’s jaw dropped. Even his mum was okay with it? Had he entered an alternate universe somehow? What was next? Was a ghost going to come through the wall and whisk him away to the future?
“Nice to see,” Alex’s father huffed from his seat. “It ain’t natural,” he shook his head. “The more they show this shit on TV the more confused the kids will be.”
Alex ducked his head. Right.
“George,” Mary scolded, shaking her head. “That’s no way to speak. There’s nothing wrong with a grown man loving whomever he wants to.”
“Yeah, Dad,” Lauren grinned, sitting upright. “It’s the 20th century, times are changing. Get with it.”
“Exactly,” Mary nodded along. “Hatred is beneath you, George. What another man does in his private life is none of your business.”
Alex genuinely couldn’t believe the conversation that was unfolding at this table.
He’d been hiding who he was for over five years now, having known that he didn’t like girls ever since he was eight years old. And yet, here he sat. With two-thirds of the family actively arguing with the third that was spouting homophobia.
For the first time in his life, he felt safe.
“I’m gay!” He blurted, unable to stop himself, and cutting off whatever his sister was saying.
It was out there. Finally. Alex could breathe easily, and not have to fear being discovered.
Only a few moments passed, and the room around him was still frozen. No one was speaking.
He opened his eyes and looked around. All eyes were on him. He gulped.
“I, uh. Just thought you should know,” he stuttered out. “You know, since you’re so… okay, with-”
“See!” His father burst, standing from his seat, and Alex flinched. “This is exactly what I was talking about!”
“George, honey, calm down,” his mother made an attempt to soothe the man. “Alexander, I think you’re confused. We were just talking about a celebrity. You’re not gay. Elton John is,” her voice was tight.
Alex gulped. “But-” his voice caught in his throat. “I thought…”
“It’s okay to be confused, Alex,” Mary placed a hand on his shoulder.
“I’m not confused,” he shrugged her hand off and ducked his head. “I am gay,” he whispered. It was too late now to pretend anything else.
“No, you’re not,” Mary stood up now, her voice coiled. “You’re not gay.”
“El?” He whispered, looking at his older sibling.
She didn’t meet his eyes for a moment.
“I told you; these celebrities would fill these kids’ heads with nasty, disgusting thoughts!” His father ranted, pacing around the room.
“Maybe you’re right, George,” his mother shook her head, still eyeing Alex distastefully.
“But you said it was nice,” Alex felt sick. “You said it was nice he could be himself.”
God, how had he been stupid? Tears burned behind his eyes, but he refused to let them drop.
“That’s for a celebrity, Alexander,” she tsked him. “Not my son,” she ground out the last word.
Alex really felt like he was going to throw up, now. So, they were okay with gay people unless it was him? Right. Great.
He shouldn’t have done this. He should have waited until he was eighteen; like he’d always planned. Waited until he could run away, start a band or something, and never come back.
Lauren sighed, “Hey, I think we all just need to chill out a bit.”
Alex wanted to laugh. Now she chimed in? Really? So much for having her eyes opened to new experiences from college.
“I think I’m done,” he muttered, pushing his plate away.
He left the kitchen quickly. No one followed him.
Instead of going upstairs, he opened the front door and rushed out. He couldn’t stand to spend another second in this house right now.
Alex made a beeline for Nirvana, completing the short five-minute walk to their group oasis in record time, holding in his tears the whole walk. Only when he was surrounded by the trees and could hear the flowing water of the stream, did his resolve crack.
Tears streamed down his face in an instant, and his knees hit the grass. He let out a broken sob.
He’d gone and ruined everything on a whim. He couldn’t believe it. Couldn’t believe he’d been so stupid.
He should have bitten his tongue. Should have dug more for how they really felt. Should have done anything besides what he had. And now he couldn’t go back. But it wasn’t like he had anywhere else to go. He hadn’t even told his friends yet, so why did he think it was a good idea to tell his parents?
He was all alone… Had nowhere to go…
He didn’t know how long he sat there, only that his legs had started to go numb, and his face felt icy cold with the breeze mixed with the chilling late-autumn air.
Alex shifted, pulling his knees up to his chest. He could sleep here, he supposed. In Nirvana. It’s not like it would be the first time. Okay sure, the last time he’d slept here, he’d had three friends, a tent and a fire with him, but still. It wasn’t that cold yet. He would manage… Somehow…
“Alex!” He jumped when he heard the familiar cry.
Before he could turn around fully, footsteps raced towards him, and he was flying into the grass face first.
“Dude, there you are!” Luke half-shouted from on top of him.
“We’ve been looking for you for like an hour!” Reggie shook his shoulders repeatedly.
“Should have known you’d be here,” Luke sighed, shaking his head. “Can’t believe we didn’t check here first.”
“What are you guys doing here?” Alex’s voice burned.
The two shared a look, and slowly got off him. Luke offered him a hand and pulled him to a sitting position, as Reggie sat heavily on the grass on the other side of him.
“Lauren called us,” he supplied.
Oh god. What did they know? How much had she told them? Was he about to experience his second rejection of the night? He didn’t think he’d be able to handle it again…
“We don’t know anything,” Luke cleared up quickly, waving his hand. “She didn’t tell us anything. I swear.”
“She’s really worried about you, man,” Reggie put a hand on his shoulder. “Was practically hysterical when she called us. Saying it was all her fault, whatever it was.”
Alex let out a bitter laugh. “Nice of her to be worried now,” he glared at the water in front of him. “Would’ve been nice if she’d chimed in when it was happening, instead of just now.”
Luke and Reggie exchanged another look.
“Hey man,” Luke wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “Whatever it is, it’ll blow over. You don’t even have to tell us if you’re not ready.”
“But-”
Luke used the arm that was around him to punch Reggie before the boy could protest.
Alex smiled a little. God, it almost felt normal. But he knew he had to say it himself. His sister didn’t rat him out, for which he was grateful, but if given the chance then he knew his parents likely would. He wouldn’t let them take that choice away from him.
They’d already taken so much.
“I told them that I’m gay,” he picked at the grass under him and waited.
And waited.
“And? What then?” Luke didn’t move his arm, still hanging over Alex, and Reggie still had his leg pressed up against his own.
“Didn’t you guys hear me?” Alex spat, shrugging Luke off and jumping up. His friends gaped at him from the floor. “I’m gay. I am gay. I like guys. I don’t like girls. At all.” He repeated it over and over, trying to get it to sync in.
The sooner they got the rejection over and done with, the better.
“Dude, we heard you,” Luke slowly stood up, raising his hands in peace.
“Yeah, man,” Reggie rose too. “No biggy.”
No biggy? No biggy? What? Why weren’t they yelling? Or shaming him? Or jumping away, afraid that he would try and come onto them?
“Alex,” he flinched violently when Luke’s hand landed on his shoulder. “We don’t care that you’re gay. That doesn’t change anything.”
Alex blinked back the tears.
“Exactly, Alex,” Reggie nodded quickly. “You like guys. So what? They’re cute sometimes! You’re our friend, man.”
“You guys really don’t care?” A tear slipped down his face. “You really still want to be friends? You don’t hate me now?”
Neither of the young teens said a word, instead they reached up and pulled him into a group hug at the same time.
Alex broke down when their arms circled him. He couldn’t believe it. They were okay with it. They didn’t hate him. Didn’t hate who he was. And now they knew.
For better or worse, everyone knew now. He didn’t have to hide anymore.
His knees buckled, and the three fell to the ground in their group hug, with Alex continuing to sob. He doesn’t know how long they stayed like that. And he wouldn’t have it any other way.
They only broke apart when footsteps intruded on Nirvana.
Alex was scared to look up. Fearing his parents had finally come to wrangle them back in for another yelling fest.
“Luke? Alex? Reggie?”
The familiar voice of Emily Patterson accompanied the footsteps.
“Yeah, Mum,” Luke called, pulling back from Alex. “We’re over here.”
He stood and offered Alex a hand. When the blonde hesitated, Luke rolled his eyes, grabbing his hand and pulling him up himself.
“Come on, man,” he wrapped an arm around him. “We’re gonna get you a jacket, and somewhere warm to stay,” he pulled him along.
Reggie quickly caught up with the pair and swung his arm around Alex’s other shoulder.
“Thank you, guys” Alex whispered, as they approached Luke’s parents. “Um, Luke. Can you… not… tell them?” He hunched in on himself.
“Of course,” his friend nodded quickly. “They’ll be cool with it, but I won’t say anything. I promise.”
“Thank you.”
He was saying that to them a lot, and he had a feeling he would be continuing to thank them until the end of time. He had the best friends in the world.
“Of course, man,” Luke squeezed him, before dropping his arm and making his way to his parents, who stood at the top of the hill, waiting for them. Reggie didn’t let go, even once they were alone.
Alex watched as Luke’s family had a quick hushed conversation, unable to hear what was being said. But he wasn’t worried. He trusted Luke.
Luke speed-backed back down the hill, meeting them halfway to walk up together. “Okay, so,” he put his arm back around Alex. “They’re gonna take you home,” Alex opened his mouth to protest, but Luke smacked a hand over his mouth, “my home. Not yours,” he corrected quickly.
Alex went to talk, but Luke had yet to move his hand.
“They’re gonna take you there, and me and Reg are gonna pop by your place and grab you some clothes.”
Alex’s eyes widened. Luke finally dropped his hand. “What if my parents ask what’s happening?”
Luke rolled his eyes at him, “Please. We’ll sneak through the window; they’ll never know we were there.”
“Yeah!” Reggie perked right up. “We’ll be like ninjas! This’ll be so fun!”
They reached the top of the hill.
“And we’ll call your parents, sweetie,” Emily stepped forward, holding her arms out.
Alex moved quickly, accepting her hug. It was nice to get a mum-hug. He really needed one right now.
“If you want to talk, we can,” Mitch put a hand on his shoulder and half-hugged him too. “But if not, no pressure. We’ll tell them you’re safe, and not to worry, but they won’t come by until you’re ready. I’ll make sure of it.”
Alex swallowed, fighting back his tears for the third time. God, he’d spent most of today crying, at this point. He could probably cry for years and not notice.
“I doubt they would worry,” he muttered, pulling back. “But thank you.”
“Oh, sweetie,” Emily smiled at him softly. “Come on. Let’s get you warmed up. Mitch will come back to pick up the boys later,” she looked to Luke, who nodded at her.
“Okay. Thank you,” Alex let her direct him into the backseat of the Patterson’s car. To his surprise, she got in after him, instead of joining Mitch in the front.
“Of course, son,” she smiled at him, picking up his hand and holding it between her own.
He wanted to cry again.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Four days.
Four days was how long it took for his parents to call the Patterson house.
Four days of not seeing their son.
Lauren had called the very first morning, apologising to Alex one hundred times for not standing up for him in the moment.
“I called Jesse,” she had said after her first flurry of apologies.
Jesse was Lauren’s best friend that she’d made at college, and her host for the orientation week. The girl was a year older than Lauren, but that hadn’t mattered at all when she had stayed in the girl’s dorm for her trip.
Ever since Lauren had come back, she and Jesse talked on the phone almost daily, and met up weekly to hang out. Alex had only met the girl once, and she was nice. He was also like sixty percent sure that she was a lesbian, but she had never said for sure, and if she’d told Lauren, then his sister hadn’t blabbed.
He assumed that his guess was right; if Lauren was bringing her up right now.
“I felt so guilty, so I told her about how I didn’t defend you and she absolutely ripped me a new asshole! She said to tell you that Mum and Dad are dumb and so am I because I didn’t defend you right away. So, I went back and yelled at them.
He tried so hard to be mad at her but couldn’t bring himself to hold a grudge. Especially not when she told him about how much she screamed after he’d left.
She had apparently only paused her yelling fest to call Luke and Reggie’s houses, she’d tried to reach Bobby but there had been no answer, to let them know that he needed them.
And since then, she had called each morning to tell him that she loved him, and again each night to tell him goodnight.
And yet, it took his parents four days to call for their only son.
When they finally did call, Emily and Mitch checked with him several times, making sure that he was ready to talk to them, assuring him there was no hurry if he couldn’t do it yet, before handing over the phone.
“Alexander,” his mother’s voice gave nothing away on the phone. If anything, she sounded cold.
“Mum,” he swallowed. He didn’t say anything else. If she was ready to call him, then she could start the conversation.
Her sigh crackled through the line, and Alex shifted nervously, moving the receiver to his other ear.
“When will you be coming home?” She finally asked.
Alex wanted to cry. To yell. To have a go at her.
That was all she had to say? Four whole days and that was all she could come up with? When would he be back? No ‘We love you.’ No ‘We miss you.’ No ‘I’m sorry, we messed up?’
“I don’t know,” he muttered looking down.
“Don’t you think this is getting a bit ridiculous?” She sighed again, and Alex had to blink back tears. “I mean, honestly. How long do you intend on being a burden on the Pattersons?”
Alex swallowed again. He glanced up and found Mrs Patterson watching him, a concerned look gracing her face.
He straightened his back. No. He wouldn’t let her talk to him like this. He knew he wasn’t a burden here. He might have been a burden to his own parents, but the same couldn’t be said for Luke’s. They loved him. They wouldn’t care that he was gay. They wouldn’t.
“No, mum,” he stood upright. “I won’t come home until you tell me you’re okay with me being gay.” He saw Emily blink quickly.
“Alexander,” his mother sighed. “This little phase of yours-”
“Goodbye, Mother,” he hung up before she could get another word in.
“Oh, sweetie,” Emily stood up immediately and rushed over to pull him into a tight hug. “I had no idea,” she squeezed him tightly. “I’m proud of you. That took guts.”
Alex preened under the praise.
“Everything okay in here?” Mitch peeked his head into the room.
“It’s great,” Alex pulled back and smiled at the man. “I’m gay,” he said it plainly.
Mitch smiled at him and entered the room, approaching the pair and joining their hug.
“Good for you, kiddo,” he squeezed him quickly.
“I might have to stay here for a bit longer, though,” Alex ducked his head as he pulled away. “If that’s okay with you guys…”
“Of course, honey,” Emily squeezed his shoulder tightly. “You’re welcome here for as long as you need.”
It took two more days before his mother called them again.
“Alex, sweetie,” he took note of the fact that she didn’t call him by his full name. “We want you home. Please.”
He pursed his lips at her choice of words. “You know what I want to hear,” he said stubbornly.
She sighed through the line. “Alex, I don’t-”
“It’s you’re not ready to say it, then I’m not ready to come home. Goodbye,” he moved to hang up.
“Wait, wait, wait,” she spoke quickly. He did. “Alex, I’m okay with you being gay.”
“And Dad?” He pushed.
His father had been the worst of them all after all. He couldn’t bear it if he went back into that house and the man was still acting up.
“He needs more time, Alex,” his mother admitted. “But he wants you back too.”
Alex sighed, kicking his feet. It wasn’t good enough, but it would have to do. He wanted to go home too. He missed Lauren, and their cat, Toby.
“Okay. I’ll come home.”
When he got home, he tried to talk about it, but his parents dodged him at every turn.
Eventually, it faded into the background.
They didn’t ask about anything, but they didn’t harass him either, which was the best he could hope for, he supposed.
It didn’t matter anyway. He didn’t need them. He had two of the best friends in the world, plus a sister who would scream and yell for him when he couldn’t himself. They understood him. They cared about him. They loved him.
And if he cried himself to sleep the day after he returned home, when his parents announced that they were trying to a baby, that didn’t matter.
And if a month later, when his mother announced her pregnancy, he felt sick to his stomach, knowing for sure that this was them trying for a better son, he didn’t talk about it.
It didn’t matter. And when he faded into the background, it was fine. He didn’t cry over those people anymore. It was just nirvana.