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Remus Lupin had always known that he was in love with Sirius Black.
Okay maybe that was a lie. He used to not be able to name the feeling, but he had a good idea that it was a lot more than friendship. He never felt the same around anyone else. Not James nor Peter, and certainly not Lily. The blush in his cheeks when Sirius would look right at him and the flutter of his heart when Sirius would brush up against Remus. Nope he never felt that with anyone else.
If he could travel back down the passage of time, and pinpoint the exact moment he crashed into the shore that was Sirius Orion Black, it would have been the first time he saw him gazing up at the stars.
Now one might think that’s a random moment. Why did a star gazing at stars consume Remus's heart beyond relief? Well, he’s not really sure. Something about the atmosphere, the poetry, and the indistinguishable beauty of it all twisted into one spectacular drawn out instant.
It was a calm night in late October. Hogwarts in the fall has always been a beautiful time to behold. There’s a certain stillness that tends to come with autumn, different from the snow of winter and the rain of spring. It’s a gentle breeze of magic and curiosity. See, it had been quite an accident that made Remus wander outside and stumble upon the sight. What made him stay though, was his youthful curiosity.
Sirius was perched on the alcove in the hallway right before the exit to the grounds outside. Remus had been wandering past curfew under the invisibility cloak working on the finishing touches of the map when he caught the glint in Sirius’ eye. He had never seen anything quite as alluring so of course he stopped dead in his tracks.
When he realized that it was Sirius who had subdued him, he should’ve just kept going. Finished up and walked back to the dorm, but he couldn’t drag his eyes away from the boy staring up at the night sky. Sitting there, in perfect stillness, gazing up at the stars. For someone who was larger than life, always bouncing off the walls, it was the calmest Remus has ever seen him. He was so, so curious about what it was that got Sirius to be so serene. He wanted to know and take it for himself. Wanted to know his secrets, his inner thoughts and feelings and absorb them into his very being. Remus wanted to become what Sirius wanted, no matter what that was. He decided then that he would change into any god, villain, or fool, outfits and plans and lovers and rules. Anything to get Sirius to notice him and all the love he had.
Maybe it was selfish, but he didn’t care. Sirius deserved someone who loved him, really truly loved him. Remus could give him that, he knew it for sure. Maybe it was childish but his jealousy felt like a monster, something far beyond taming.
In the end, he stayed there observing his star until Sirius got up and walked back to the dorm. Remus stayed there for a while after, sitting in the same spot Sirius had just vacated trying hard to find what it was the boy was staring at.
He never did find the answer.
—————
Ever since that night, Remus has tried to become a carbon copy of Sirius’ type. Which is no easy feat considering Sirius runs off with multiple different people in very short spans of time. Nonetheless, Remus had become funny, witty, loud, and quiet. Though nothing ever seemed to work. Even James had started noticing Remus’ one-off tangents of different personalities. It was getting exhausting and he was getting sick of being someone he’s not.
Now here’s the thing: Remus is in love with Sirius. That love is what caused him to morph himself into something different. It is also what made him do a very extremely stupid thing. Now here’s the other thing: Sirius is not and has never been in love with Remus. Of course he doesn’t know that for sure, but he has a very, very good idea he’s right. See the issue? Remus is officially head over heels obsessed with someone who never really thinks twice about him. Leave it up to him to fall in love with someone untouchable. It really is some twisted fate, just another way to make his life miserable, as if it wasn’t already.
All of this led him to where he is now. It was his lovesick brain that made him stop Sirius on his way out, made him pull him to the side, and made him open his mouth.
“Don’t go, Pads.”
At least that’s what he’s blaming, because knowing he did this by his own volition is so much worse.
“What?” He furrowed his brows and Remus curled his hands into fists trying not to reach up and smooth the lines between his eyes.
“Don’t go.” He wasn’t sure what to do now that finally he had Sirius here, staring at him. “Stop going off and looking for solace in random people who don’t give you anything.”
“Wha- where is this coming from? I’m not looking for comfort, I'm looking for a good time. Now let me go, I have a date to catch.” Remus could hear his voice raise a little, so of course he had to match the energy.
“Stop it! You’ve been off and about with five different girls this week alone. And it’s only Thursday! Get a grip on yourself, yeah? There are people who actually love you and want what’s best for you.” Argh, love was probably the complete wrong word to use.
“What do you mean by that?”
“You know. Me… and James and Pete? We all love you and we know that this has been a difficult summer for you, so please just let us in. I can tell when you’re not fine.” Sirius had moved in with James this summer because he finally packed up and left home. It wasn’t easy leaving but he had to do it and no one doubts that or shames him for it.
Except Sirius keeps pretending like everything's great when Remus can tell that it’s not. It’s hard seeing Sirius in this much denial and pain. Everyone’s worried about him but he’s not talking to any of them. Not even James.
“Look Moons, I don’t know what you’re getting at but you need to stop. I’m fine, great even. Now let me go so I can go have the best date of my life.”
“Oh yeah? And then what? Leave them the next day? Look for another ‘best date of your life?’ Pads look at me.” He dipped down to catch the boy’s eyes.
“Stop, just stop it! I have no idea where this is coming from, just leave me be.” He held Remus’ look but instead of a glare there was a flash of desperation.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I am so sick of seeing you sad and pretending it’s fine. It hurts to watch you leave with other people who don’t care about you when I’m right here!”
Oh no.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“No Moony, what?” It was now he who was trying to catch Remus’ eye but the floor just looked so interesting at the moment.
“Nothing, I don't know why I said that. Go find your date or whatever.”
“No, now I don’t want to. What did you mean by that?”
Well, he already dug himself a hole. Might as well die with dignity.
“Merlin,” he groaned. “Okay fine. I meant that I’m standing right here, waiting for you to look at me. I meant that what I feel for you is not friendship. I have literally changed into millions of different people to try and catch your fancy but nothing has worked. And now you're running off with Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus or- or I don’t care and I can’t just watch it happen anymore. I love you Sirius, since I was twelve. When will you finally notice me?”
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Sirius Black has just found out he is in love with Remus Lupin.
Okay, maybe that’s not the full truth. He’s always known that what he felt for Remus wasn’t like what he felt for James or Peter and definitely not what he’s felt for anyone he’s ever been with in his life. But that doesn’t mean it’s love…right? Well he thought so, but now he’s not so sure.
Because now, every time Remus looks at him he can see flashes of longing and every time Sirius talks to Remus it’s stilted. And he realizes that he actually quite misses what they used to have. He misses the time when they were carefree and fun, now everything feels awkward and out of place. If he’s being honest, he really can’t handle that, because then he’ll think that maybe Remus didn’t actually mean what he said and maybe he doesn’t actually love Sirius. Which is completely fair considering he confessed his feelings and Sirius had done a full 180 and walked right out of the room.
But who is Sirius if he doesn’t have his Remus?
In Sirius’ defense he’s always been a bit oblivious to the inner workings of love. He’s never really known what love is in general if he’s being honest. From someone who didn’t grow up experiencing love, it’s hard to discern the different types. There’s friendship obviously, which describes whatever he has with James. There’s parental love, which is what he assumes is what the love Effie and Monty gave him when he moved in. There’s brotherly love, which is what he feels for Regulus. Although that could also be parental love because of his need to just take care. So then he could argue what he has with James is brotherly love and what he has with Peter is friendship love.
Then there’s receiving and giving love and it all gets so confusing that he just wants to scream. Isn’t love supposed to be simple? Why can’t he just care about someone and be done with it? But even then, he feels so much (of what he thinks is love) for everyone that sometimes he thinks if he doesn’t start to understand it, it might drive him up the wall.
What it is he feels for Remus is different. He knows that for sure. It’s intense, powerful, and almost animalistic. To put it into perspective: he knows he will kill and die for Remus. He might certainly die because of Remus. Though he feels this desperation and want that he doesn’t ever get when he’s off with someone else. His heart is never in it with other people… but it might be with Remus.
Sirius Black has never been privy to love. He doesn’t know how to give up control of himself for someone he desperately loves. He’s horrified of getting hurt and even more so, he’s horrified of showing too much of himself and having that person hate him for it. It’s no secret that Sirius has had a complete mess of a childhood and logically he knows that no one blames him for anything that happened when he was at that house, but he can never shake the shame from his mind. He puts on the face of someone who has it completely together and is the coolest babe around (and really he is) but no one sees the struggle of that on the inside.
In a completely uncontrollable world, the one thing Sirius has found he can control, is a person's perception of him. The thing with controlling a person’s perception though, is putting on a mask, one that doesn’t come off unless you're alone, and sometimes not even then. So really when he looks at himself in the mirror he has no clue who he is. That’s not to say that him being the coolest chick in town isn’t the real him, it’s just an amplified version to cover up the fact that he’s trying so desperately hard to make people see him for more than his history.
So why, under any circumstance, would he want someone to know who he really is, if who he is, is an insane, overthinking, tryhard. Someone who has baggage with nowhere to put it. Why would he give up that control for anyone? What if they hate him, or see him differently, or think everything he does is fake?
Why would he let Remus love him, when Remus doesn’t even know who he is.
That is the million dollar question isn’t it? It had been bouncing around back and forth in Sirius’ skull ever since he did the 180. He never went to his date, he practically ran to the alcove right before you left Hogwarts, and gazed up at the night sky. The one thing in life that always gave him reason to shut his mind off.
It didn’t work this time.
He doesn’t really know where to begin with the thought of having someone see him for who he truly is. And it does not help at all that Remus isn’t even ignoring him. He ran away when Remus laid himself bare and he’s still talking to him. What does that mean?
He was in a mood where he couldn’t shut his mind off, and he truly didn’t know what was wrong. Because obviously he loves Remus, but what if his love is built off of the wrong version of Sirius? If he ever dates Remus is he going to keep up that facade for the entire relationship? He can’t build a whole thing off of a fake pretense. So if he doesn’t, does that mean that Remus will fall out of love when he figures out who Sirius is? But what if he loves Sirius more because he’s not perfect? Isn’t that what love is, loving someone for all that they are, good and bad? He definitely loves Remus even though he knows that Remus isn’t the model human. If anything, his imperfections make him perfect.
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Stupid, stupid, stupid.
What was he thinking telling Sirius he loves him? Literally what was the brain process? Oh that’s right. There was none.
Remus doesn’t think he’s ever been that stupid ever in his life. And then Sirius turned right around and ran away. Literally put one foot in front of the other and bolted off in the other direction. Off to his date who was waiting on him. He probably ran his hands in someone's hair, snuck back into his bed in the middle of the night and has now found someone else two days later.
Which brings them to now. Awkward. If there’s one thing they’ve never been, it’s weird. They’ve always had a carefree friendship, whether Remus acknowledges that or not, they haven’t ever had a fight they can’t get back from and that brings hope. Remus loves Sirius, he knows it better than the back of his hand. He’s willing to give Sirius everything he’s ever wanted in life, just for him to spare him a glance that means more than friendship.
The situation is laid out. Remus played his turn and now Sirius needs to make his move, the queen’s piece is waiting. Whether she’s taken or spared is up to Sirius, which is all but terrifying. In any normal situation Remus would never have given up control of his feelings like that. But this isn’t any normal situation. He’s comfortable with Sirius, more than anyone else he knows, that means that he’s willing to be vulnerable. It also means that he’s willing to change his entire self to make sure Sirius stays comfortable with him.
It’s hard and most of the time he wants to give up, but everytime he thinks he’s done with it, Sirius will smile or laugh in a way that makes Remus melt. If that’s what Remus gets then he’s more than willing to put in the work.
So even now. While yes, they are awkward and tricky, Remus isn’t ignoring him. He’ll wait as long as Sirius needs to make some kind of recognition of Remus’ blatant confession. Even if Sirius never does, they were friends first, they can get back to that. It’ll hurt of course but he’ll bounce back like he always does. All Remus has ever really wanted was to float in Sirius’ orbit.
That won’t change with one stupid love confession. The worst that can happen is Sirius ignoring it…right?
—————
Remus is an observer. His whole life he’s stayed in the background and observed. Of course he’s had his fair share of spotlights, but he’s no Sirius Black or James Potter. He doesn’t envy it or want anything different. He’s fine just noticing. Really he thinks it’s a superpower, his ability to notice people and through that, being able to read them and help out. He knows that Peter can get anxious so he does his best to calm him down when that happens. He’s noticed that as much as an extrovert James is, sometimes he needs to be alone. When that happens Remus will pull Sirius and Peter away to pull a prank or go on a walk. Or when James will get in moods where he can’t be left alone, no matter what he’s doing, Remus will drag him along on his tasks.
It’s by being an observer that Remus found out Sirius is not who everyone thinks he is. It’s also by being an observer that Remus fell in love with him. In truth, Remus would’ve never fallen so hard for "the Sirius Black." Of course he would’ve had a crush because who doesn’t have a crush on Sirius, but never love.
They would never work, the way Sirius presents himself is too perfect. Remus doesn’t like perfection, he will not be the only one who’s struggling. Remus certainly isn’t lost on his issues. He knows he has them, but to him, as long as he’s not someone who dampens the mood or puts an unnecessary weight on people’s shoulders, he can figure them out eventually by himself. He understands completely putting on a show to pretend he’s fine, but he seriously couldn’t care less how people view him and he doesn’t know how Sirius puts up the act 24/7.
Sirius is beautiful because of his imperfections, there’s no doubt about it. They make him human, they make him real and tangible. Remus notices. He notices the way Sirius will spend an hour every morning doing his hair, he notices when he’ll pretend to be bad at Arithmancy but actually finishes his work quicker than everyone. The way that Sirius zones out when others are talking about their parents, or the way that he’ll stick his tongue out a tad when he gets in his own head.
Remus notices. He notices that right now, Sirius is upset. He’s zoned out: furrowed brow, tongue out and everything. What makes it worse is that Remus knows exactly why, he just can't find it in him to go up and speak his truth…again.
Why can’t it be enough to just float in his orbit? The brightest star needs his planets and Remus is more than willing to be his Mercury. Close enough to love from afar, but also close enough that there’s no danger of setting himself on fire. But doesn't he want to set himself on fire?
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It’s after dinner, they’re all sitting in the common room studying. Sirius finished his Arithmancy a couple minutes ago and is pretending to stare off into space when really he keeps stealing glances at the boy in the arm chair. He’s sitting and doing absolutely nothing but pulls it off in a nonchalant way Sirius has always been jealous of. He needs to be carved out of stone and put in a museum, but the whole museum would be dedicated to only that statue so that people could look at it for hours on end. Sirius would gladly visit that museum every day.
“I’m gonna head up, my brain will explode if I try to solve any more problems.” Sirius says as he gets up from the floor. He nods to James and Peter and steals a glance at the boy in the chair again. Their eyes meet for just a second before Sirius is up the stairs.
Once he’s in his room, he collapses onto his bed. This whole week has been nothing but tiring, he just doesn’t understand what is going on with Remus. Why won’t he ignore him, why won’t he show any type of emotion other than content? It’s weird, Remus’ inability to hate Sirius. He’s noticed it more often recently but Remus will literally contort himself to make sure he always agrees with Sirius. It’s unnerving. He hears the door creak open suddenly and looks up from his bed.
“Hey.” Remus says as he enters the room.
“Hey.” Sirius replies as the boy sits on the end of the bed. He can feel his heart racing already, he knows he just said he wanted Remus to say something but this is too soon for confrontation.
“Okay fine, before you start sayi-”
“No wait. Let me go first, yeah?” Remus interjects and Sirius nods. “I know I’ve been a little awkward, but I don’t want anything to change between us. I’ve been thinking about it and we’ve never been uncomfortable around each other, I hate it. Can we just, I don’t know, go back? What I said was stupid and out of pocket and I’m sorry, but can we just forget it happened?”
His voice was cracking and with it a part of Sirius’ heart. He didn’t want to go back, he just really needed to figure more stuff out.
“But I don’t want to forget about it.”
“What?” Remus jerks his head up. The look of shock is so apparent on his face it makes Sirius want to destroy every part of himself that has ever made Remus feel like Sirius wouldn’t love him back.
“I don’t want to forget it. Moons, I can’t even explain the way you make me feel. It’s just, I can’t give you what you need.” He scoots closer to Remus, still at the end of the bed.
“That’s a lot of bullshit and you know it. Sirius, I have literally only ever wanted you.”
“Yeah? Which me? I’m not perfect, I am actually so far from it that I’m a completely different person than everyone thinks. Everyone has turned me into this idea of sorts and that idea just isn’t who I am.”
“Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think that I know who you are? Merlin, I am literally your best friend, I know you, Sirius.” Remus moves ever so closer. Close enough that he can feel his breath on his face. A shiver runs up his spine and he can’t focus on anything else right now.
“I know you've felt like you had to be perfect your whole life, but you’re allowed to pull down the mask with me. I want to know you for who you are and love you because of it. I know you Sirius, and I must be screwed because I love you for it.”
And oh, does that just snap Sirius out of his daze real quick.
“But I’m not perfect.”
“I know.” He leans in.
“You’re going to hate that. You’re going to hate me.”
“No, I’ll love you for it.” A breath away.
“But-” and Remus interrupts by closing the distance between them.
As terrified as Sirius was, nothing beats this moment. Remus tastes like chocolate and the moment Sirius’ been waiting for his entire life whether he realized it or not. His hands reach up to dig into the soft curls as Remus’ hands snake up his hips. It’s desperate and Sirius wants more. He tugs and Remus lets out a soft moan that Sirius instantly swallows up.
Everything at this moment feels right, and Sirius isn’t pretending to enjoy it. With everyone else he always puts on a show so that they have a good time but this. This is real.
Oh
Then it’s done and he’s pulling away.
“Remus stop, stop.” Sirius’ brain is frizzed and he switches to autopilot, his first instinct to run. “I- I don’t know what’s going on. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, everything was fine and then. You won’t like who I am and I can’t pretend with you. I don’t…I can’t.”
“Wait!” The last glimpse he gets of Remus’ brown eyes is a look into a shattered soul lying beneath, and then he’s gone again. Slipping out the door and running down the stairs to go to the alcove. Ignoring everyone and everything in his path.
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Remus is stuck. He told Sirius he loved him and he ran away. Then he kissed Sirius and, though it was genuinely heaven in a bottle, Sirius ran away, again. What is Remus doing wrong? Why can’t he get Sirius to stay? Who does he have to shape himself to be this time?
This time, no. He’s not waiting around and floating in Sirius’ orbit anymore. It’s cooler in theory but not if he keeps forcing it. He finally got a taste of what it could’ve been and he’s ready to fight for his place. Whether that means falling out of orbit or flying into something more, he doesn’t care. He won’t live with himself if he lets this chance pass him by.
So he comes back to himself, after being left there stuck on the end of Sirius’ bed, and grabs the invisibility cloak, walking to the place he knows Sirius will be. He walks right up to the alcove where Sirius is perched and, fully intending to grab him by the face and crush against his mouth once more, he hesitates.
He sees him sitting there, tongue poking out the side of his mouth and a furrow in his brow. He’s deep in thought but about what? I can’t pretend with you. The thing is, Remus doesn't need Sirius to pretend with him. How is he supposed to show him that he loves Sirius exactly the way he is? He loves him because of his flaws, in spite of his perfection.
“Sirius…” The boy whips around, cold eyes caught on brown.
“Go away Remus. I’m not joking.” He turns back to the night sky.
“Me neither.” Remus takes a massive deep breath, prepared to open up. Which is never easy, but this boy deserves someone who fights.
“Look, Pads. The thing about me is that I love to sit back and watch. I notice things no one else does. I notice you for who you really are. You’re not perfect and I couldn’t care less. If anything it makes everything better because I hate the stuck up, energetic, bubbling Sirius Black. But Sirius Black who finds peace in looking at the stars? The Sirius who is actually much smarter than me? I love him. I love you the way that you are.” Their eyes meet again but this time it's warm, the color of a comforting thunder storm.
“You’re breaking my cold heart, you know.” Sirius says.
“Not even possible. You’re the warmest person I know.”
Sirius gives a sad smile and shakes his head. “How do you know who I am when even I don’t?”
“Because I notice. You can pretend all you want, but I notice the things you don’t. I’m willing to show you if you let me.”
“I think I’d like that.” The sad smile turns loving as he scoots over to make room for Remus.
“Yeah?” He accepts the spot next to Sirius and looks up to the stars as well.
“Yeah.”
They sit there for a while, basking in each other's warmth and chatting about who the other is. No longer needing to wonder, Remus learned that Sirius looks to the stars for solace because the night sky is the only thing that never changes. Secrets are shared and hearts are opened, answers to questions long thought after. After all this time, they both found out what it felt like to fly.