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Daniel had a habit of pacing when he gave his mission briefings. He’d tried sitting once but Jack had snapped at him to just get up already because he was bouncing his leg so hard the entire table was shaking. He moved between the chairs now, placing briefing packets down in front of General Hammond and the rest of the team.
“I’d say the people of PX-5632 are closest to the Akkadian Empire in terms of culture, society and technology. They’ve managed to insulate themselves from the Goa’uld and some tribal elders even speak a little English. We were lucky to be able to witness some of their routines and cultures. Whether or not they could be considered allies…”
“It was a bust,” Jack cut in. “Good people, fun time, no real military technology to speak of. Without any naquadah, I think the Goa’uld just forgot about them.”
“It wasn’t a bust,” Daniel said. They'd spent three days with the New Akkadians, as Daniel had taken to calling them, and seen enough to fill in huge gaps of their existing knowledge of Sumerain culture. He was about to tell the General as much when Jack cut him off again.
“We spent three days wandering temples and drinking weird herbal teas and having our feet washed. Like I said, a fun time, but not sure we need to go back.”
Daniel threw his hands up. “Jack, the knowledge we gained was priceless. If just a fraction of what we learned can be applied—”
This time Hammond cut him off. “Dr. Jackson, while I’m sure the cultural implications are fascinating, can we move on to what, if any, military capabilities they have?”
He sighed and glared at Jack, who just shrugged his shoulders. “Page six of the briefing packet,” Daniel said. Hammond turned his attention to the folder in front of him, but Jack just smirked, like he’d won a fight. Annoyed, Daniel leaned in and opened Jack’s briefing packet for him, aggressively flipping the pages. “You smell nice. Like some kind of lavender smoke.”
The words were out of his mouth before Daniel even realized he’d spoken. It had been a fleeting thought. Not, by any means, something to say out loud, in front of people. Much less in front of Jack.
“Uh, thanks?” Jack peered up at him, head titled in a way that implied Daniel was being weirder than usual.
Across the table, he could feel Hammond, Sam and Dr. Frasier staring at him.
“Umm, I just mean. I don't know why.” He was as confused as the rest of them. Jack did smell nice. Jack always smelled nice. That was a routine thought Daniel had often, but this was the first time he’d said it out loud.
Sam cleared her throat, a smile tugging at her lips. “Daniel, I’m sure the Colonel does smell nice, but maybe we should get going with the briefing?”
“Right, uh, military capabilities. Page six.” He shook off that weird little bit of awkwardness and read from his notes. The New Akkadians had a small volunteer army, handmade but effective weapons. No real fire power but, per Jack, a good understanding of trench warfare and fighting in the Phalanx formation. “From Jack’s interviews with the tribal chiefs, it seems like there’s no competition for resources, so it’s a mostly peaceful society. They were fascinated by our guns though, especially Jack’s M20. I’m not into guns myself, but Jack does look hot with it strapped across his chest.”
Frasier barely smothered a laugh and Sam’s eyes went huge. Daniel couldn’t, wouldn’t look at General Hammond. A flush of career killing embarrassment crept up his chest. He stood frozen, hardly believing he’d said what he just said out loud.
“I believe that last detail was unnecessary to further our understanding of the New Akkadians, Daniel Jackson.” Teal’c arched a perfectly plucked eyebrow at him.
Jack, on his left, stared with his mouth open. “Are you trying to be funny, Daniel?”
“Uh, no, no. Not funny.” In retrospect it might have been easier for Daniel to say he had been kidding. “I can’t really explain. I swear, I’m not sure why I would.” It was hard to get a complete sentence out of his mouth, his embarrassment was so appalling. Jack did look hot with that gun strapped to his chest, a fact that Daniel found extremely disconcerting. “I’m not usually attracted to men with guns, but seeing you with that M20 does something to me.”
Oh god. Oh god.
“Okay, that’s it!” Jack jumped up out of his chair. “What the hell is going on Daniel? Is this some kind of terrible, practical joke?”
He clamped a hand across his mouth, terrified of whatever was going to come tumbling out next. General Hammond rose from his seat. “Dr. Jackson, are you feeling alright?”
Daniel looked deliberately at the floor, not daring to make eye contact. “General, uh, could we pick this up later? Maybe this afternoon. Or maybe tomorrow.” Or maybe never. For a brief moment, he thought about walking out those doors and never coming back.
“That’s probably for the best,” Hammond said. “Dr. Jackson, maybe you should get some rest.” Daniel glanced up and Hammond looked like he couldn’t wait to get the hell out of the room. “Dismissed.”
Hammond turned and left, and Janet got up and excused herself, but not before exchanging a quick look with Sam that said she expected to be briefed later.
Then it was just the four of them.
“Daniel.”
As much as he also wanted to bolt from the room, he made himself face Jack.
“Look, it’s very flattering that you think I smell nice and that I look hot,” Jack did finger quotes here, “with a gun, but I think a briefing with a two-star general isn’t the time or place for that information.”
“I believe O’Neill is correct in that assessment Daniel Jackson.”
Daniel groaned and sat back down, dropping his head into his hands. “I don’t know why that came out of my mouth.” It was an errant thought, fleeting, the kind that popped into his head twenty times a day. Something he never acted on or needed to think further about. Yes, Jack smelled nice and looked hot and whatever attraction Daniel had was growing uncomfortably by the day but that didn’t mean he needed to confess any of it out loud. To the entire team. To Jack. “I prefer you in the green on duty uniform than in the blue, off duty ones. Something about the green brings out your eyes.”
He thought Jack would lunge across the table, maybe finally hit him. “Daniel, so help me god, if you keep—”
“I’m not doing this on purpose!” Daniel pushed back his chair in a panic, casting his eyes around the room till they met Sam’s.
“Daniel, are you sure you’re feeling OK? It’s not like you to be so indiscreet.” Her voice was gentle and comforting, but her eyes were bright with glee. Whatever was happening here, she was going to gossip about it endlessly with Janet.
“I don’t know what’s happening! I’m not trying to say any of this. It’s just….coming out.” He didn’t dare look at Jack, and kept his eyes on Sam. “Look, you also smell nice and look super hot with a gun. Does that make it better?”
Sam shook her head slowly at him, like he was a sad little puppy she’d stumbled upon. “Maybe you really should get some rest,” she said.
At a loss, Daniel gathered up the pages of his briefing packet. Maybe he was overly tired. Or getting sick. “I’m just going to uh, lie down. In my office.” With the door locked possibly. So no one could come in and he couldn’t get out.
He scrambled out of the room, eyes on the floor the entire time, and scurried back to his office. Once inside with the door firmly shut he let himself relive, in full, technicolor agony, the insanely inappropriate comments that had come tumbling out of his mouth. He scrubbed a hand across his face and had just convinced himself it was a passing fluke when there was a quiet knock on his door.
“Daniel?”
Sam peeked her head in. Teal’c stood like a sentry behind her. Daniel sighed and waved them in. He wasn’t ready to face Jack.
“How’re you feeling?” Sam asked
“Like I kind of, sort of, maybe, probably, sexually harassed my boss.”
Her eyes lit up and she rubbed his shoulder. “It wasn’t that bad.”
“It was.”
“Ok, it was.”
She leaned against his desk and Daniel ran his eyes over her face. She was beautiful, with wide blue eyes and that brilliant, blonde hair that despite being cut so short, always framed her face perfectly. She was strong, capable, and if he really let his mind get away from him, probably fierce and passionate in bed.
None of that he said out loud.
“You’re staring at me, Daniel.”
“I know,” he sighed. “I won’t tell you about it, but I had some very inappropriate thoughts about you just now.”
There was that half smile Daniel liked so much. “Do tell.”
“I will not. Plus, the important thing is that I thought them, and you know, didn’t say them. Out loud. In front of you.”
“Yeah, that was pretty awkward. Are you sure you don’t have a headache or anything?”
He shook his head. Despite a history of migraines, he felt fine. “I don’t know why I said those things out loud. They were thoughts. Random, fleeting thoughts.”
“Only about the Colonel,” Sam said.
Teal’c moved around his office, poking through the few objects they’d been allowed to bring back from the New Akkadians. “Have you perhaps been imbibing alcohol, Daniel Jackson? From my experience, it makes humans say things they often regret.”
“Unfortunately, no.” He tracked Teal’c as he walked around Daniel’s closet-sized office. He focused on the pure power of his arms and the sleek, classical cut of his jawline. There were times he’d wanted to trace his fingers across those cheekbones or nestle into his broad chest.
“I do not wish to be looked at in this way, Daniel Jackson.”
Again, his thoughts stayed hidden, private as they should be. “I’m sorry Teal’c, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. Trust me, it’s for the best that I didn't say what I’d been thinking.”
Teal’c simply nodded once, his hands grasped behind his back. “Perhaps you should seek out Colonel O’Neill and apologize. I believe he may be confused as to your intentions.”
“That’s just it. I have no intentions,” Daniel said. He was starting to panic, just thinking about what Jack must be thinking. “It was a, a mistake. Some random misfiring of neurons.” He took a deep breath. “How was Jack? Have you seen him?”
“Maybe you should talk to him tomorrow,” Sam said. “He thinks,” she trailed off. “Well, he thinks you were trying to embarrass him in front of the General.”
Daniel groaned. Tomorrow. Tomorrow he’d find Jack, apologize and they’d forget this entire crazy day.
***
Jack usually came to the mountain early.
His routine, that Daniel knew well, was to hit the gym, then the mess hall, and then pretend to do paperwork in his office while listening to sports highlights.
Daniel caught sight of him in the mess as he was sitting down to eat. He swallowed down the humiliation that had barely allowed him to sleep and walked around the cramped rows of tables. Putting it off would only make it harder. Daniel was many things, but he was not a coward.
Jack nodded his acknowledgement as Daniel took the seat across from him. “Good morning Daniel.” Jack was an oatmeal and bacon kind of guy, but this morning there seemed to be more bacon than oatmeal. “Are we still loudly and publicly sharing our feelings?”
Jack’s silvery hair was still damp from his shower. From across the table, Daniel could smell the fresh scent of Irish Spring soap. It wafted across the table and filled Daniel with an inexplicable sense of warmth.
“Every time I catch a whiff of your soap, or shampoo, or something, I want to bury my nose in your skin.”
The words came as easily out of his mouth as if he were saying good morning. He squeaked in horror. “Oh god. Jack. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I swear—”
Jack pushed aside his tray and cast around to see if anyone else had heard Daniel’s latest bit of mortification. Thankfully, blessedly, the mess hall was too loud for their voices to carry. “Get up,” Jack hissed. “Get up right now.”
Daniel, for once, obeyed orders. Jack grabbed him by the elbow and marched him down the long, concrete corridors to his office. He practically threw Daniel inside before slamming the door shut. “I swear to god Daniel, if you don’t cut whatever it is you’re doing out, I’ll have Hammond throw you off SG-1 so god damn fast it’ll make wormhole travel look slow.” He screamed in Daniel’s face, and suddenly Daniel saw not the lackadaisical SG-1 commander but the Jack O’Neill who had trained grunts and commanded troops across Iraq.
“I’m sorry, Jack. I’m so sorry. I’m not, I’m not doing this on purpose. I can’t help it. It just…pops out. I don’t even know I’m thinking these things and all of a sudden I’m saying them out loud.”
“If you are trying to embarass me, congratulations, because you are doing a bang up job.”
“Embarrass you? You think this is embarrassing for you?” The laugh that came out was high pitched, and slightly hysterical. “I’m the one who doesn’t have a filter where you’re concerned. You think I want to be doing this? I can’t get it to stop.” He was striding up and down the small length of his office, waving his arms so wildly an antique or two was bound to get knocked off a shelf. “I thought it was a fluke, some kind of delirium from gate travel or working too hard or whatever, but I’m not so sure that’s it.” He paused his ranting and stared at Jack, who was glaring daggers at him. “I’m just as pissed as you are and still, I want you to kiss me.”
Jack scrunched up his face and squeezed his eyes shut, like maybe if he couldn’t see Daniel, he couldn’t possibly have heard him. “Daniel.”
For a few seconds Daniel, really, truly, wanted to die. He wanted the Gate to malfunction and bring the mountain tumbling down or for an earthquake to shake the bedrock loose and swallow him whole. Something, anything to get him out of this room. “See,” he said. “See what I mean. I don’t want to be doing this. I can’t help it.”
Jack scrubbed a hand up and down his face. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, probably reminding himself that murdering Daniel wouldn’t look good on his record. “Okay, let’s, for a moment, pretend you aren’t doing this to deliberately fuck with me—”
“I’m not,” Daniel said, miserably.
“Then why is this happening?”
“Your guess is as good as mine,” Daniel said, sitting down at his computer. He purposefully turned his face to the screen, to keep Jack on the periphery. He had no idea what nonsense would come vomiting out if he kept looking at Jack.
“Is it something like Tourettes? Are you just walking around screaming totally inappropriate things at people?”
He stared at his screensaver of dancing Egyptians. “It seems to only happen around you. I talked to both Sam and Teal’c yesterday and nothing bordering on harassment came out of my mouth.”
Jack kicked the leg of his chair so Daniel faced him. He stood with his arms folded across his chest, lips pressed into a thin line.
“You also look hot when you’re angry,” Daniel mumbled.
Jack’s jaw clenched so hard Daniel figured there was at least some tooth damage.
“I’ve had just about enough of these little declarations of yours, Daniel. Let’s go, get up. Time for Doc Fraiser to take a look at you.”
***
Janet flashed a pen light into his eyes, frowning slightly at the lack of a desired result. His pupils were always blown wide. That’s just how they were.
“Daniel, pardon me for being so frank, but is it possible you hit your head on something? Concussions can cause personality changes.”
“I didn’t hit my head,” he snapped. He was being unfair to Janet. She was a good, dedicated doctor but he still remembered the marshmallow walls of the asylum.
She looked him up and down, in a clinical, assessing way. “Well, we’ll have to do an MRI and take some blood work. Off with the jacket, Dr. Jackson. I’m going to need to tap a vein.”
“Just do what you need to do, Doc,” Jack said, hovering behind her. “I’m not too excited about Daniel’s recent infatuation.”
“Personality changes could be a side effect of gate travel,” Fraiser said, as Daniel stripped to his t-shirt. “Perhaps I should call Dr. Mackenzie.”
Daniel immediately tensed, but Jack snapped before he could get a word out. “No one is calling Dr. Mackenzie.” Jack’s eyes glanced off his, reassuring him they weren’t going down that road again.
Janet stuck the butterfly needle into his arm. Daniel winced at the pinch. Jack rolled his eyes but a flinch of sympathy flashed across his face. They waited in silence for the vial to fill and he felt Jack’s eyes skim over the still visible bruising on his arms. The orderlies in the institution had held him down, their hands pinning him to the floor. He could still make out blue and purple welts in the shape of handprints.
“Maybe it was just a fluke,” Daniel said. He’d gone 20 minutes without embarrassing himself. That had to count for something. “I’m looking at Jack right now and I don’t feel anything inappropriate welling up.” All he felt was a steady hum of affection for Jack’s solid presence and dogged reliability. “He’s always there when I need him. That means more to me than anything physical.”
Janet coughed to cover her laughter, swiftly turning her head to hide a smile. Jack pointed at him, like he was about to unleash a tirade but instead turned on his heels and walked out. Daniel’s groan turned into a long, frustrated whine. Janet let him get it all out, before patting his arm.
“Come on, let’s get that MRI.”
***
He could have gone home or at least hid in the archive room of the Mountain but somehow that felt like cheating. If Jack wanted to yell at him, Daniel was going to be easy to find. He flipped through his research on the New Akkadians absently at his desk, mind whirring over every intimate, revealing comment he’d made, till Sam knocked at his open door. Just from the look on her face he could tell she’d been talking to Janet.
“You know, you’re finding this all too amusing,” he grumbled. “My dignity is hanging by a thread. Not to mention the damage this is doing to my career—and Jack’s!”
“Well, neither you or the Colonel are good at talking things out Daniel. Maybe this is the push you need.”
“Indeed,” Teal’c said, bringing up the rear. “I have long felt you and O’Neill do not always say what you wish to say to each other.”
“It doesn’t work that way Teal’c,” Daniel sighed. Verbal declarations were cheap in Daniel’s opinion. What counted were the ways people stayed with you, even at your worst. “Trust me, our relationship works best when we don’t say what we mean.”
“Daniel,” Sam paged through some of the notes on his desk. “This started right after we got back from 5632, right? After the New Akkadians?” He nodded. The first slip had been during their briefing. “Well, maybe Teal’c was right. Not about you drinking alcohol, but what if it was something you ate or drank on 5632? That lowered your inhibitions?”
Daniel shook his head. “We all ate and drank the same thing. If it was something I ingested, wouldn’t it have affected you three as well?”
“You were separated from us for approximately four hours while you toured the market, Daniel Jackson. O’Neill, Captain Carter and myself were witnesses to the local tribal council. Perhaps during that time?”
Daniel swallowed past a sinking feeling in his stomach. The locals had happily offered samples of their fruits and pastries and breads, all of which he’d politely refused. But the day had been hot and Daniel had helped himself to a carafe of what he thought was wine, from a local merchant. He winced at the memory. “Sam?”
“Yeah?”
“I think we need to see Janet.”
***
“Well, it’s definitely something you drank,” Janet confirmed, flipping open the file with his lab results.
Jack walked through the door behind her, hands shoved deep into his pockets.
“What’s he doing here?” Daniel said.
“Hey, I was summoned,” Jack snapped. “This affects me almost as much as it does you, Daniel. Plus, I need to know what the hell is going on with members of my team.”
Daniel wanted to protest or insist that Jack at least stay out of his sight line, but now he seemed to be daring Daniel to say whatever bold, ridiculous thing he wanted.
“According to these results, your red blood cells are saturated with an alcoholic compound. It’s not typical to what we find on Earth, but it has a high quality like mead or red wine.”
“So he’s just drunk?” Jack asked.
“Not exactly, Colonel.” She flipped through the pages and pulled out his MRI results. “Not only are his blood cells swimming in this foreign substance, but his MRI shows irregular activity in the frontal cortex, specifically the part that regulates speech.”
“So you’re saying I’m drunk and I can’t stop talking. That’s great. Just great. That would explain a lot but why does it seem to only be about Jack?”
Janet shrugged and closed the file. “Daniel, do you remember what you ate or drank with the New Akkadians?”
He sighed, going over the market stalls in his mind. He’d been careful, or so he thought, and picked up a jug from a shy merchant woman. He recalled the sign across her table and, now, in context, a linguistic puzzle clicked into place.
“Uh oh.”
“What ‘uh oh’?” Jack said, leaning in. “That’s not a good ‘uh oh’ Daniel. There’s never a good ‘uh, oh’.”
Daniel took off his glasses and rubbed at his eyes, the pieces of language that had vexed him a few days ago resolving into place. “My Sumarian isn’t what it used to be. At the market stall…I thought the sign said ‘wine for sale' but it could have said ‘liquid’. Or…” he trailed off, remembering the drawings of amorous couples that were etched across the jugs.
“Or what Daniel?” Jack asked.
He winced. “It could have said potions. Potions for sale.”
Teal’c, bless him, was the only one who maintained a straight face.
Jack bellowed, “You drank a love potion, Daniel? A love potion? Mr. I-speak-24-languages just swallowed a love potion without reading the label on the bottle?”
“Hey, at least I didn’t eat a secret marriage cake and end up betrothed to a woman half my age!’ Daniel shot back.
Sam’s grin, had it not been at his expense, was pure sunshine. It was wide and bright and the mirror of her smile could be seen in Janet’s face. She covered her mouth with her hand, but didn’t bother to hide her laughter. “Oh Daniel. Oh my god.”
“That was unwise, Daniel Jackson.” Teal said, an eyebrow lifting in condemnation. “You should have exercised more caution.”
“Well, think of this as good news, Dr. Jackson,” Janet said, brown eyes dancing. “At least now you know what’s happening. You drank something you shouldn’t have and it made you fall in love with the Colonel.”
Teal’c opened his mouth to speak and shut it just as quickly. A brief, shared moment of secrecy passed between the four of them. Sam and Teal’c had figured it out, probably long before Daniel himself had. A warm, uncontrollable flush of embarrassment climbed up his face again and Daniel looked everywhere except at Jack. Daniel’s attraction wouldn’t have come as a total surprise to Jack—the two had been doing their own version of a flirtatious little dance for the better part of a year—but vocalizing it, publicly, was a fireable offense. Especially for Jack, not just as a colonel in the Air Force, but as his commander. There were things he wanted to do with Jack that Daniel only let exist in the darkness of his bedroom or under the hot spray of a shower. The thoughts weren’t for public consumption, not while Daniel was still trying to untangle the unhealthy mix of lust, admiration and affection. Jack was more than his boss or his commander or even his friend. The longer they traveled the galaxy tripping through the gate, the deeper it went.
“How long is this going to last,” Daniel asked, eyes on the floor. It was fine. He would just hide from Jack for as long as he needed. A lifetime even.
“I can’t be sure,” Janet said, looking between them both. “Our science can figure out a lot, but if this is a love potion, you might need to visit the New Akkadians again.”
***
“It’s not a love potion,” Daniel said.
They were miles outside of the main village on 5632. Like most planets with gates, it was a hike to get to anything resembling civilization. A safety mechanism for sure, but also a pain in the ass that meant he and Jack had been walking for two miles and still had four more to go.
“Yeah, I know.” Jack’s squinted up at the blazing sun. His face was inscrutable behind his dark, special-ops sunglasses. Daniel had already told him he didn’t like the fact that they covered up his “beautiful” eyes.
“Do you? I mean, it’s not a love potion in the traditional sense. It didn’t make me fall in love with you, Jack. I was already—”
“Jesus, Daniel, I told you, I get it,” Jack snapped. They shuffled along in the dirt, Jack clutching his M20. They were a peaceful people and Daniel had lobbied strongly against Jack bringing his gun, but realized that where Jack went, the M20 went.
“Why’d you come with me anyway?”
Jack adjusted his rifle, a necessary weight across his chest. “Someone had to.”
“Sam or Teal’c could’ve easily made the trip,” Daniel pushed. Hammond had okayed gate travel for the entire team back to 5632, but by some unspoken agreement only he and Jack showed up in the gate room earlier this morning.
“Why do you have to pick at everything, Daniel?” Jack glanced at him, sweat starting to bead along the silver of his temples. “For once, can’t you just keep quiet? And this isn’t even the potion. This, this is just you!”
“I’m glad you came,” Daniel found himself blurting. “I know you trust Sam and Teal’c but you don’t trust them as much as you trust yourself. You wouldn’t let anything happen to me. I know that, Jack.”
They both knew it, but Daniel had just said it out loud. For once, Jack didn’t try to wave it away with a snide remark or joke. They kept up a steady pace through the back roads and Daniel managed to keep his thoughts mostly focused on the indigenous plant life or possible weather patterns, right up until they reached the tribe leader’s hut and Jack bent down to tie his shoe.
“You have a great ass,” Daniel said. “Must be all those squats you do.”
Jack whipped himself up and Daniel expected the same angry glare, but now, there was a half cocked smirk of amusement across his face. “I do have a great ass, Daniel. Thank you for noticing.”
The leader, Arunap, didn’t seem surprised to see them. He took one look at Daniel, one look at Jack and a slow grin spread across his face. He had been with Daniel that day at the market. His smile turned into a belly laugh and Daniel blushed again. Yes, apparently everyone knew he’d unwittingly taken a love potion.
“Come,” Arunap gestured, getting up. “I’ll accompany you to the market.”
They walked through the twisting, narrow streets of brick and slate houses, Arunap talking the entire way in his charming, almost perfect English. “Those potions, they do not always turn out as one expects, Dr. Jackson.”
“You’re telling me,” Jack mumbled. “Listen, ask him if there’s a cure, will you?”
“He understands English, Jack. The Goa’uld brought tribes from all over the world here,” Daniel said, but still asked Arunap if there was an anecdote.
“Only time my friend, only time.”
The same shy woman was at the stall when they approached. Arunap asked in Sumarian if she remembered Daniel, and she nodded, pointing to a jug near the back. She gave Jack a long, discerning look and shrugged her shoulders, mouth twisting with indifference, as if to say, there’s no accounting for taste.
“What does that mean?” Jack bristled, getting her meaning clearly. “I’ll have you know I look damn good for my age.”
“You do look good, for any age,” Daniel said, unthinkingly, while Arunap and the woman talked. “Handsome, but still soft.”
It was less embarrassing when it was just the two of them, and Jack almost seemed to let the comment slide. When Daniel looked at him, he spotted a faint smile.
Arunap waved them over, translating as the woman spoke. Yes, she’d given Daniel a basic potion, but not a love potion Arunap said. Love potions were for children, the woman explained. What she’d given Daniel was the lover’s confession, a more complicated, heady potion without a clear outcome.
“The drink does not cause feelings of love,” Arunap said. “It’s meant to unburden a lover to their beloved. Lovers who drink it enter a confessional, truthful state until they have unburdened their souls.”
“What the hell kind of potion is that? Is it like a truth serum?” Jack said.
“It must be used with great caution,” Arunap continued. “Ethia says most lovers are rarely brave enough to take it, for one knows not what may come forth.”
“Well, why the hell did she give it to you, Daniel?”
Arunap turned the question to Ethia and she shrugged and pointed.
“You asked for it, Dr. Jackson.”
Daniel had asked for it. He had pointed randomly at a jug, and mimed drinking. Jack looked at him like he was just about the dumbest person he’d ever seen. “Three Phds. 23 languages.”
“Shut up, Jack.”
“So. How long does it last?”
“As long as it must,” Arunap said. “Dr. Jackson, you must make your declarations and then the effects will wear off.”
What could Daniel say that he hadn’t already said? Jack knew how he felt, had probably gotten more detail than he needed on the specifics of Daniel’s feelings. There seemed to be only one thing left to say and he didn’t need to look at Jack to know they were thinking the same thing. Three little words.
“Christ,” Jack sighed. “Just say it if you’re gonna say it, Daniel.”
Arunap turned a sideways glance at Daniel, and touched his arm. “Beware, when you unburden your soul, it may not always be pleasant. We all carry many resentments, grudges and fears against those we love, Dr. Jackson.”
Ethia looked at him as if she’d understood every word of Arunap’s explanation. A confessional state. Well, what had Daniel been doing for the past two days if not confessing every damn thing that came into his head?
They walked back to Arunap’s modest house where he let them refill their canteens (water, not wine) and rest before they started their hike back to the gate. Daniel almost wanted to stay, to take in the ritual of their daily meal and watch their afternoon prayers but didn’t dare bring it up. Even he had a basic instinct for self preservation.
Two miles into their hike back to the gate, Jack brought up those three little words. “Say it now or say it at the gate, but say it before we get back to the Mountain, because I can’t take another heartfelt moment in front of the General, Daniel.”
“You know, I’m not inclined to say anything right now, Jack,” Daniel finally snapped. “First you bite my head off over something I can’t really control and now, you look like a kid in a candy store that’s enjoying all of this attention a little too much.”
“Hey, I think I should get some credit here, Daniel. After all, it’s my career that you could potentially tank and—” Daniel tried to protest but Jack held up his hand. “Ah! Ah, ah, ah! And I think I’ve been a real good sport about this entire thing. We haven’t even mentioned the amount of self-restraint I’ve shown.”
“What?” Daniel sputtered. “Self-restraint? How?”
Jack turned to him, that stupid hot gun brushing his thigh. “Have you considered what I could have done knowing you had this…problem? What kind of questions I could have asked?”
“Like what?” Daniel looked at him wearily.
“Personal questions, Daniel. Personal, intimate questions. It sounds like all I would have to do is put an idea in your head and boom, out come tumbling your secret fantasies.”
“Jack, you wouldn’t—” He was already feeling on edge, as if a can of marbles was about to tip out over a counter.
“Like say, what do you think about in the shower?”
An image flashed in Daniel’s mind, Jack’s wet, soapy fingers wrapped around him, his chest pressed to Daniel’s back. He groaned. “I’d get on my knees for you.”
Just saying it out loud sent a scorching flash of heat through his abdomen. Jack’s face turned crimson, the color moving high up his cheeks. “Jesus Christ, Daniel,” he whispered, also shaken. He moved a few steps away from Daniel, quickening his pace. “See what I mean. That’s private. I’ve got no right to know.”
At first, his feelings were abstract, something Daniel was aware of on an intellectual level, as existing inside of him and yet, like so many things, shelved away neatly till he had time to research and catalog them. Lately though, those feelings had become physical manifestations. A flip of his stomach when Jack embraced him. A slow bloom of warmth on the rare occasions Jack called him Danny. It was confusing, embarrassing even to get such comfort from seeing Jack walk through the door and quirk a lazy, half smile in his direction.
“Well, I guess you know now,” Daniel said. Jack didn’t turn but his back tensed, a sure sign he had not only heard but was trying to scrub the image of Daniel on his knees out of his mind.
For the rest of the walk, Jack stayed about 20 yards ahead, not even turning in Daniel’s direction until he’d dialed home and sent their transponder signal.
“Now or never, Danny,” Jack said but gone was the gruff bravado from earlier. He could be caustic, but he was never cruel. And whatever he thought about the display of the past few days, he didn’t take Daniel’s love for granted. “Unburden your soul. Three little words.”
Daniel watched him pace the dial home device, in a stance he’d seen so many times. Long, impatient strides, with one hand on the barrel of his gun, the other on the grip, his hat and sunglasses covering much of his face. “Fine,” Daniel blurted out. “I love you. I.love.you. There I said it, happy now?”
Jack’s smile, when it came, was genuine. He ducked his head, trying to hide it from Daniel’s view. He clapped Daniel on the shoulder as they walked into the event horizon. “See, that wasn't so hard was it?”
It hadn’t been hard to say at all. In fact, it had been easy. Too easy. Daniel loved Jack. No part of his soul felt the burden of that secret. In fact, it was clear not just to him and to Jack, but to those around them as well. Sam and Teal’c knew. Even Hammond and Janet had figured that their often caustic bickering was just thinly veiled affection. I love yous, in Daniel’s opinion, were cheap. I love yous didn't cost a thing.
***
Daniel believed in the truth, but if sticking to a little white lie could save his career, Jack’s reputation and both of them a host of complicated, uncomfortable questions, Daniel had no problem bending the facts. In their briefing to Hammond, he was happy to admit that he’d taken a love potion, become suddenly infatuated with Jack and, happily, the effects had all but worn off.
“Give it a day or two General,” Jack said, backing him up, “and Daniel will stop treating me like a crush in a boy band.”
In the briefing room, Daniel stared at Jack, waiting to see if the I love you worked or if something akin to raunchy bathroom graffiti would come spurting out of his mouth. He counted down the minutes and remarkably, nothing highly embarrassing was said by the time Hammond dismissed the room.
Sam and Teal’c congratulated him on not being wildly inappropriate in a professional setting, and Jack just slapped him hard across the back. Instead of going straight home and rejoicing in his success, Daniel found himself waiting at Jack’s truck.
“You gonna tell me I look hot in a leather jacket, too?” Jack said, unlocking the doors. It was his off-duty uniform. Tan pants, gray shirt, black leather jacket. “Or do you think this potion has worked its way through your system?”
“It isn’t just about looks, Jack,” Daniel slid into the front seat. Nothing physical or punishing wanted out of his mouth at the moment. “I just don’t want to be alone right now.” Was that the potion? Or just him?
Jack sighed and turned the engine over, glancing at Daniel out of the corner of his eye, but not prodding or testing Daniel’s limits. For all his frustrating qualities, Jack had a sixth sense for knowing when Daniel needed to be drawn out and when he needed to be left alone. It was one of the many reasons Daniel loved him, but he’d spent two days puking out every inappropriate thought he’d ever had about the man and now his mind kicked into overdrive, agonizing over the fallout.
Daniel waited till Jack pulled into the driveway and killed the engine before turning to him. “Does it bother you that I’m saying these things out loud?” he asked quietly. “Or that I feel this way?”
Jack’s eyes softened, like they sometimes did when Daniel was being particularly dense. “It doesn’t bother me, Daniel. None of it does.”
He reached across the seat and flicked open Daniel’s door before opening his own and then went straight to the kitchen, putting on the coffee even though it was already late evening.
“I like being in this house,” Daniel found himself saying as they watched the coffee drip. “Sometimes, I think I like it more than I like my own place. It’s comfortable here. Like, a real home. It reminds me of those suburban houses I always wanted to live in, especially when I was a kid, before my mom and dad died. We were always in the city or on a dig. I wanted a house with a yard or a neighborhood where I could ride my bike with other kids. You brought me here that first night after Abydos.”
“Is this you talking?” Jack asked. “Or the potion?”
Even Daniel wasn’t sure, but this was as intimate a revelation as he’d ever made to Jack. Jack’s place felt like home. Jack felt like home. “I don’t know,” Daniel said. “I really don’t, Jack.”
When the coffee was ready, he poured Daniel a cup and led him to the living room. He sat heavily on the sofa, while Daniel stared out the window. “You know there’s one question that hasn’t come up,” Jack said. “God knows, I don’t want to talk about it but after everything you’ve said, I owe you something.”
“What’s that?” He took a sip and recognized it as the Ethiopian brew he liked from the organic market near his apartment.
“You haven’t asked me how I feel. You’re here spilling your guts to anyone who happens to be in the room, and not once have you asked me how I feel about you. You don’t seem to be worried that you’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Daniel took another sip and put the cup down on the coffee table. “Because I know. I already know you love me, Jack.” He’s not sure when it occurred to him. Maybe that first night Jack brought him home, maybe the time he was sobbing in Jack’s arms after Shyla. “That’s what made it so much harder.”
Jack frowned. “Made what harder? All this?”
“No, Mackenzie,” Daniel said, his heart suddenly kicking up. The memory of those pillowy, padded walls popped into his mind.
“What about Mackenzie?”
“Mackenzie and Janet, and the Goa'uld killing device and what happened.” Daniel’s voice was rising, already a little frantic. They had never talked about this, not really. Like everything between them, Daniel had been content to bury it, consign it to history.
“Daniel—” Jack moved towards him, but Daniel took a step back.
“You left me, Jack. I was so scared and you, you just left me. They were holding me down, squeezing the life out of me and you just watched.”
“Oh god, Daniel.”
His chest was heaving and even as he said the words, Daniel wondered where all this was coming from. He barely had the courage to admit his anger to himself, and had never planned to say any of this to Jack.
“I kept thinking, Jack will stop them. Jack won’t let them hurt me.” His voice trembled, and he worried he sounded like a little boy but he couldn’t stop himself. “I was in there for days and you didn’t do anything. You could barely stand to look at me.”
“Daniel, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“I thought, ‘I know he loves me and he’s still letting this happen. He’s letting them take me away. And I couldn’t stand it. I was so scared, Jack. I was sick and I wanted you to be there. I wanted you to come rescue me or, or fight for me or something and you left.” There were tears in the back of his throat, choking him. In front of him, Jack’s eyes flooded with water. He reached out and put his arms on Daniel’s shoulders, but Daniel shrugged them off. “Why? I want to know why. You saw they were hurting me and you just watched.”
Jack swallowed. “Danny, I’m sorry. I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t stand to see you that way, and I ran. I’m sorry. I wanted to help, but I didn’t know how and I cut and run.”
Arunap had been right. Resentments, grudges, all of it kept spilling out. “I was in there and I thought maybe you did it to punish me. To get back at me for leaving you in the mine. That at least made sense.”
“No, no. Daniel, no. It was just me. I trusted the wrong people and I’m sorry. I made a mistake. A terrible, terrible mistake.”
Tears slipped down his face and even being tucked away in Jack’s house couldn’t stop the remembered terror of the white uniforms and their strong grips holding him down. He was shaking badly.
“They took my glasses, Jack. I couldn’t see anything.”
“Danny, come here.” His voice was so soft, so gentle, it had a physical effect. Daniel’s chest constricted at the tone, caving in on itself. He tried to move but couldn’t and so Jack took a tentative step and pulled Daniel into his arms. It was a loose embrace at first, Jack waiting to see if Daniel would pull away. When he didn’t, Jack tightened his hold, wrapping his strong arms around Daniel and pulling him in tight. “I do love you,” Jack whispered into his ear. “I’m sorry, Danny. It won’t happen again. I promise. I won’t leave you.”
Daniel sobbed into Jack’s shoulder. He pressed his face into the warm crook of Jack’s neck, knocking his glasses askew. For the second time in his life, he fell apart in Jack’s arms. Jack kissed his temple and murmured against his hair, tenderly rubbing his back. “It’s ok, it’s ok,” he sighed. “Let it go, Danny. Don’t keep it inside.”
He cried till he was empty, till he’d been hollowed out of all feeling. In bits, the feeling of stark, padded walls and tart, clinical smells faded and Daniel came back to himself, to the present, to the scent of Ethiopian coffee and Irish Spring soap. Jack was still holding him. It wasn’t the loose embrace of a colleague or even the intimate hold of a lover, but the grip of someone asking for forgiveness.
“Jack,” he talked into Jack’s neck, which was damp with his tears.
“What is it?” Jack rubbed slow parabolas across his back, his nose still buried in Daniel’s hair. He wanted to stay like this forever, to have Jack wrap him up and hold him close every day of his life. He thought about sliding his hands up Jack’s shirt, feeling the brush of hair against his stomach, or turning his face and sliding his lips along rough stubble until their mouths met. He knew Jack would hold him for as long as he wanted, give him whatever he needed.
“You smell nice,” Daniel said, smiling into Jack’s neck. He smelled lavender smoke, thought of green fatigues and an M20 strapped to Jack’s chest. Every feeling he’d kept on a shelf for later study tumbled over him, like a bookcase collapsing under too much weight. Whatever he wanted to say next to Jack, he could. It would be his choice.