Work Text:
Learning to Live
by
RobertCop3
So, this is an idea I've had for a while. I've never written a Final Fantasy fanfic, but I wanted to finally get this idea down on paper, in honor of the 30th Anniversary of Final Fantasy VI, one of my favorite titles in the series. What I'm about to say won't make much sense if you've never played the game, so I suggest you do that now. The Pixel Remaster is only eighteen bucks on Steam, and it's worth every cent.
Okay, you've been warned. For those of you who haven't played, I'm about to spoil the shit out of it.
So, this is inspired by what I think is one of the most moving scenes in the whole game, the opening to the World of Ruin, in particular the path where you fail to save Cid, and Celes tries to commit suicide. I always felt it odd that after you find the raft, you depart the island, but just leave Cid's body on the bed in the cabin, without any sort of funeral or burial. And that inspired this fic. I hope you enjoy it. And since this is my first time writing in the Final Fantasy-verse, any sort of feedback is welcome.
TRIGGER WARNING: this story deals with the subject of suicide, and if you’ve played the game you know that Celes was suicidal at this stage in it. Some of her thoughts and actions in this fic revolve around trying to end her own life. So if this is a touchy subject for you, proceed with caution.
All characters are the property of Square/Enix. I don't own them or the video game.
The sand, the surf, the soft breeze… standing there now, gazing out over the ocean, Celes Chere thought that she wouldn't have minded seeing this beach back when the sky overhead was the same bright blue as the water, and not the dull red it was now. A shade that reminded her of blood congealing on the sharp edge of a sword, a mist of death that the sun now struggled to shine through, even in the summer, giving the planet about just half of the life and warmth that its rays once did.
The island that had been her home for the last year was in the tropical zone, and back in the days of balance would likely have been a lush paradise. But that was no longer the case. Not since that day that the world was forever changed… because Celes and her friends had failed to save it.
Even now… a small part of her wondered if such a thing were still possible. Maybe. Maybe not. Then her blue-eyed gaze moved from the horizon to the raft she'd dragged from the cabin, kept back far enough on the sands to avoid high tide. And from there, glancing down to the familiar bandanna tied to her sword. A keepsake of the man who'd believed in her, even when her own people in the Empire had turned their backs on her. Just because she had started believing in what was right.
And like her, the man who lay dead in the cabin a short walk behind her had gone through his own falling out with the Empire. Though she tried to stop it, Celes felt her thoughts flashing back to a few days ago.
The fire burning in the iron cooking stove cast its flickering light on the featureless walls of the simple dwelling, but not with as much warmth as Celes would have liked. Yes, she knew how to cast the fire spell, but to actually make one that would provide sustenance for the living she needed something to burn, and the driftwood offerings from the ocean surrounding their island sanctuary weren't as substantial as she'd hoped.
She stoked it as best she could using what she'd combed off the beach the previous day, then her careworn gaze moved from the fire to the bed. "Are you warm enough, granddad?"
"I'm fine," he insisted, though his voice kept cracking. "I think… I really am getting stronger." This was followed by an outburst of wet coughing from deep within his chest.
Celes gave him a weak smile that she herself did not really believe. The plate he'd handed her not too long ago was still more than half-full, just like his breakfast plate had been. He had been eating less for the last few days, though he was clearly trying to hide it. Suddenly finding it hard to look at his sunken, jaundiced eyes, she turned back to the stove, in particular the skillet simmering on top of it, which she'd used to cook their dinner.
She flaked off a little piece of fish from the fillet left in the pan, and popped it in her mouth. It tasted perfectly fine. She just didn't understand. He'd shown her all the telltale signs of how to spot healthy fish before he'd become bedridden, and a life spent soldiering had taught her how to observe, listen and follow instructions.
She knew she wasn't catching the bad ones, so what was she doing wrong? Maybe this is purgatory, a small voice inside her spoke. After all, you both committed unforgivable atrocities in the name of the Empire you once served. Your actions helped put Kefka in a position to wreak death and destruction on a global scale, and now because of that, the planet is slowly dying. Maybe this is our punishment. Maybe we can't be redeemed, and we deserve to die, too.
Almost as though he were reading her mind, Cid cleared his throat. "I'm not afraid of dying," he said. "Maybe I deserve it. The extraction methods I devised, and the machines to do it, slaughtered hundreds of innocent Espers. I have to carry that burden. My greatest fear… is that the remorse crushing my heart and soul… won't be enough. That there can be no forgiveness or redemption for me."
"Don't talk like that," Celes insisted. "You're going to live."
He coughed a little more. "My child. I'm a scientist. I have to be logical about this, I can do no less. Food and sleep aren't making me better. And this isn't a sickness brought on by combat, so Esuna is useless. And in the year I've spent here, I haven't found anything on this island we can use to make medicine. Since logic tells me that I'm not getting better, there is a real chance I'll die. And I don't mind, so please don't weep for me. Like I said… maybe it's what I deserve."
Celes took a deep breath, swallowed hard, forcing the lump in her throat down into the deepest part of her stomach. "Granddad… don't think like that. You have done good. I'm alive. I wouldn't be if not for you."
"I was happy to do that, dear one. But is that one act enough to erase the sins of my life's work?" He shrugged. "Ah, well, this is my burden. Don't concern yourself with it." His voice cracked again at the end, and then he exploded into another fit of wet, hacking coughs from deep within his chest. Celes did what she could, catching his expectoration in a rag, and then giving him a sip of seawater to gargle in the hopes it would ease his throat. After that she moved back to the stove and tried to eat some more of the fish that was left, but she felt a strain upon her heart that was robbing her of her appetite.
She still felt that strain tugging at her now. Even after what she'd been through, the moment where she felt she had no recourse but to end it all…
She had hurled herself from that cliff on the north side of the island, not expecting to live, hoping she wouldn't. And despite that, she'd washed up on the shore in front of the cabin. Somehow still breathing.
Not that she didn't have the means to rectify that. She had a sword, it would be a simple thing to draw it and fall upon the blade. I wish I was never born. The words she'd spoken on the Floating Continent resonated in her mind. After all, without her… so many lives would have been spared. And maybe the world would have been a better place.
The once proud general had stood there wet and wretched on the cold sand, one hand upon the scabbard at her belt, the other wrapping around the pommel of her weapon…
Then a caw from behind her made her turn. Just a seagull, like so many others in this dying world, trying to eke out a living. Yet this one was different. It had something in its beak, something familiar. She approached it slowly, but the bird seemed used to humans, and made no efforts to retreat, allowing her to retrieve the small scrap of cloth it carried. A bandanna. His bandanna. It reminded her of the lowest point in her life… and also her highest.
She'd been in chains, bruised and battered just because she'd opened her eyes, and chosen to speak out against the Empire's evil. She hadn't expected rescue. If anything, she was eagerly awaiting her execution. She felt she deserved it, after her role in Gestahl's plan for world domination.
And still… Locke had saved her, despite having no reason to. He'd known who she was, and still believed that somewhere deep inside, a good person must exist. And even when Kefka had tried to poison the group against Celes, he'd still believed in her.
She asked the bird where the bandanna had come from, even though she knew that was useless, birds couldn't speak. But for some reason, despite her feelings of self-hatred, and the tired, wasted world around her that only augmented her will to die, she recalled another memory, the day before she'd tried to end it all.
She had never cried. Not even after signing gods knew now many condolence letters to be delivered to the families of soldiers who'd fallen under her command, all in the name of Gestahl's mad folly, trying to achieve something that no longer mattered. And maybe never had in the first place. But she was a different person then. Had honestly believed that the Empire would bring order and prosperity to all peoples of the world, and so she'd remained stoic in doing what was the hardest part of her duty. But now, she found herself unable to stop the outpouring from her eyes, cutting warm, salty trails down her cheeks. "Please, granddad… you can't leave me alone!"
That gaunt, waxen face which housed one of Gaia's most brilliant minds was flashing an odd, wry smile. "And who says I am?" He rasped.
Celes looked honestly confused now, remembering the conversation they'd had when she'd first awakened, but once again he picked up on this. "I know what I said, about us being the last people on earth, but… I guess at the time I… was riding high on having just gained a granddaughter. First and foremost… I am still a scientist." He burst into coughing, then, and Celes held a rag to his mouth until it abated, then offered him a sip of water from the bowl at her side to soothe his throat.
After resting for a moment, he went on. "Logic, reason, making observations and forming hypotheses off them… this has always been my religion. Though magic may exist, the laws of science still govern the very foundation of the universe. Reasoning tells me that this planet… is a large place. I know because I've traveled it. And so logic tells me that this island… cannot be the only land left on the planet. And if there is land, there is life. We are not the last. There are others still alive, not just us, waiting to be found."
He smiled at her then, one which Celes somehow managed to return, putting on a stoic face despite her inner misgivings. "But… how can you be sure?"
He rolled his eyes and gave a small chuckle. "All right, so I'm not. But… I also have faith. And hope. Despite what Gestahl did to her, Terra came to embody both of these things. She never asked for the burden born simply of who she was. But after the Empire's control over her was lifted… I was amazed at how she carried herself, with such dignity and noble cause. She had every right to curse the world after what she'd been through, and yet… still believed that perhaps the rift between humans and Espers could be repaired. She reminded me that faith and hope still exist, and that they are necessary. Now more than ever. So I believe your friends are out there."
Celes still wasn't convinced, but she wanted to comfort this wonderful man in his dying moments. So she flashed a smile even she didn't believe, and nodded.
Cid then managed to raise a hand to close around hers. "I have a favor to ask of you."
She wrapped her fingers around his skeletal hand. "Name it, granddad. I'll do anything you want."
"After I'm gone… you will be my only living link to this world. People will want to know who I was. And… I want you to tell them everything. Not just the happy memories we made on this island. Tell them who I really was. Tell them how I had nothing but good intentions, but… I committed unspeakable atrocities against living, intelligent beings, and that while I now see the error of my ways… I have no excuse. All I can say is I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart. Tell them everything… and let history decide if I was a good person."
She choked a little at that, but still… gazing into those careworn eyes, she found herself hard pressed to deny him anything. And so she'd said in a shaky voice: "I… shall do as you wish, granddad."
They talked for a little longer, and then after another fit of coughing, Cid had told her he was hungry, and asked her to go catch a fish. Celes was confused by his request, but still she'd complied.
And came back to find Cid's body laying supine on the bed, those bright eyes which had once been so wise and calculating now glazed over, staring lifeless at the ceiling of their cabin.
Standing now on the shore, feeling the surf lap at her boots, Celes realized that Cid had sent her away because he knew his time was about to come, and he didn't want her to watch him die. Even though as a soldier she'd seen death in every form imaginable, he knew it still would have been too much for her because it was personal.
He was logical. A man of science until the end. And it only showed the paternal love he'd grown for her, which she also felt in her own heart. She'd never really known her biological parents, having been taken by the Empire as a toddler due to the potential they saw in her. But in the year she'd spent on this island, Cid had felt more like a father to her than anyone else she'd ever known.
Which is why I owe this to him. As much as it hurts, I have to do this. She shut her eyes and just breathed, calming herself as she always did before leading her troops into battle. Then she turned back towards the cabin, which had been home for the past year, and where Cid's body still lay on the bed.
Taking a deep breath, she entered the cabin, and of course the first thing she saw was the carcass laying there, a pale husk of the brilliant man he'd once been. She took another deep breath, forcing herself to look at his wasted form, remembering everything, both good and bad, taking it all in. Then she leaned down, kissed his forehead, and covered him with the bedsheet.
After that, she did a last check of the cabin, pocketing his letter to her, and making sure there were no supplies she had forgotten. Then, she stood in the center of the small home that was no longer home to her, shut her eyes, ignoring the shrouded figure on the bed, and focused magical energy into her hands. She'd refused to use this spell in the last year, because doing so in its weakest form would have incinerated the cabin.
Now there was no point. So she clenched her fingers into fists, and allowed a Fira spell to leap from them, the hungry flames soon licking at the dry wood of the cabin, spreading to envelop both floor and walls in their searing embrace.
Celes quickly picked up her things and exited through the front door. Once she was outside, she moved to a safe distance, then turned and watched the fire creep up to the roof, enveloping the cabin completely, creating a funeral pyre fit for royalty. Though Cid may not have been a king or emperor, he deserved such an honor. And Celes would watch until it had burned itself out.
Standing there, she once more felt an unfamiliar wetness out of the corner of her eye. Crying was something a soldier, an officer never did. But she was not that person anymore. She was in some ways, but at the same time, she was being reborn. Cid was not the only one being taken by the fire, her old self was dying as well. So she fell to her knees and surrendered to her emotional release, head in her hands while she wept bitterly. She cried for both him and her, forcing herself to remember everything they had both done in the service of the Empire. And when she ran out of tears, she simply collapsed in front of the burning cabin and let emotional exhaustion drag her into the realm of sleep.
It was past dawn when she woke to find the cabin had burned into ash and cinder, no trace of the past year left behind. None, except what remained in Celes's memory. And she would do everything she could to make sure that memory stayed alive.
She didn't know why she'd wound up on the same island as Cid, or why she'd survived her attempt to end her own life, but clearly… if she was still alive, Cid would tell her that logically there had to be a reason for it. And that same logic dictated that others had to be alive as well. Maybe her friends. Maybe also Locke. Her hand once again moved to the familiar weight of her sword, feeling his bandanna tied around the hilt.
It was funny. A day ago, she'd been more than willing to run herself through, painting the sands the same color as the sky. And then a seagull's simple gift had saved her life, reminding her there were people still out there who needed her. As much as she needed them.
And so she stood, took a deep breath, and faced the scorched rectangle of dirt that until now had been her home. "Be at peace, granddad," she whispered. "Please… be at peace. If Gaia can even hear my prayer, then I beg of her… please let him rest."
With a solemn nod, she gathered up her supplies and went back down to the beach. It was low tide, so Celes managed to drag the raft into the surf and get out onto the water with little effort. Behind her, the island that had been her home drifted off into the horizon until it was lost, and she turned her attention towards piloting the raft to whatever land she could find. She had an idea of where to go, based off the map that Cid had also left her. When night fell, she would use the stars as best she could to plot her course. And if she didn't find land the next day, she'd sail on. And would do the same the day after that. And so on. Whatever happened, she would keep fighting, keep living. For Cid.
I love you, granddad, she thought while she gazed over the crimson horizon. And I promise you that no matter what happens to me, everyone will know the whole truth. All the evil we committed for the Empire, but also the good we did. And… I'll let history decide who you really were. And also… I'll spend the rest of my life trying to deserve to live.
So Celes Chere sailed onward, with nothing but a map, her trusty runic sword, and some meager food and water. But she also was armed with something more potent than her magic or weapons. She had hope. Hope that the waters would take her to her friends. And that maybe, against all odds… they could still make a difference, by finding a way to end Kefka's madness once and for all. Only in that, could she feel worthy of being redeemed.
Fin
ADDITIONAL NOTES
So as you may know, in the part of the game that inspired this story, it is possible to save Cid by feeding him the right kind of fish so he recovers from his illness. But honestly, Cid dying makes for a better story. So I never bother to save him. That scene of Celes trying to kill herself brings a tear to my eye EVERY damn time.
And with that, there's nothing more to say, except… Happy 30th Anniversary to Final Fantasy VI, still one of the greatest titles in the series. One of the first real RPGs I ever played, and one I'm always happy to revisit. And like I said, go buy the Pixel Remaster because it is awesome!
Well, until next time, don't eat the bad fish! And please feel free to review, if thou art so inclined. This has been your friendly neighborhood Robertcop, signing off...