Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Typical. Typical, typical, typical. That was all Marvin’s monotonous life seemed to be- of course it was! He was a robot, meant to carry out monotonous, mundane tasks for living beings. He would open doors, yell at said doors, get yelled at Zaphod, then rinse and repeat.
Boring, boring, boring.
Being a depressed android, this seemed to be even more boring for him.
Except…
There was one human, one damn human, that made him feel something. And he hated it.
That human made him feel, well, human. Whenever they laughed or smiled, his fans would lag for a moment. Whenever they shot him a smile or a chipper ‘hello!’, his circuits would go into overdrive.

And he hated it. He hated feeling human, he hated humans in general; he was an android with a brain the size of a galaxy, not some silly schoolboy with a ‘crush’!
However, he couldn’t ignore everything that I, the author, just stated, nor could he ignore the fact that his hand would always find its way to his the human’s waist- when lightheartedly questioned about it, he’d turn his head away and grumble some bullshit about them being ‘clumsy’ and how he ‘didn’t want them to fall and break some important equipment’.

Everyone on The Heart of Gold knew of Marvin’s infatuation- that is, everyone except for the object of his affections. One such person was the human’s cousin- pathetic man extraordinaire, Arthur Dent.
Arthur plodded down the halls of the ship with uncharacteristic determination, until he found Marvin. He grabbed the (obviously) sulking robot by the shoulders, speaking to him in a low yet menacing tone.

“Listen here, you pile of nuts and bolts- I swear to FUCK, if you even think of getting romantically involved with my cousin, I will toss your android arse out of the airlock, am I understood?”

Marvin stared at him with wide eyes. “I-!”
Before he could finish that sentence, Ford ran over to him. Panting, he said, “Arth, come on, mate, knock it off! [Y/N]’s an adult; they know what they’re doing!”

“No, Ford, don’t you understand? If the pair of them get all loved-up with each other, I am going to be tangentially related to that damn robot,” he stared at Ford, not letting go of Marvin, a lack of sleep etched under his eyes. “I do not want to be related to any robots, let alone that one!”

Marvin groaned, shifting Arthur’s hands off him. If he could have, he would have rolled his eyes. “Relax, relax. I’m not really all that into your cousin,” false statement number one. “And besides, if I was, there’s no chance anything would ever happen,” false statement number two. “What is this? One of your ‘romcoms’?”.

Of course, if Arthur’s cousin were to hear this exchange (which is incredibly likely), no-one knows what would happen. However, due to the Improbability Engine, they were currently far off in another room, tending to Zaphod Beeblebrox’s hair.
Speaking of, let’s move this over to them, shall we?

“I honestly have no clue as to why you lot are so mean to him! He’s a perfectly nice guy.” Argued [Y/N] with their distinct tone of whiny exasperation.

“He is completely and utterly irritating, love, that's why. All… mopey. A little bit more off the top of my left head, thank you.”

The human scoffed, trimming feathery strands of hair as they continued. “Maybe if you lot tried being a bit nice to him for a change, he’d be nice back! Right, Trillian?!”

Trillian cringed as she spun around in her swivel chair. “Sorry, [Y/N], dear, I’m with Zaphod on this one. That hunk of metal is completely incorrigible.”

[Y/N] scoffed as they continued on Zaphod’s hair. “I’ll show you. Marvin is perfectly sweet once you get to know him.”

Chapter Text

“Totally whipped.” Concluded Ford Prefect, gauging the reaction of an enraptured [Y/N].

“Uh-huh, uh-huh… you know what?” they asked, rolling over onto their back as Ford picked at the couch’s material.

“I believe I don’t. Do tell.”

“Okay, soo, Zaphod’s totally going to kill me for telling you this, but… ahah, once I caught him and Trillian snogging in the broom closet.” They grinned lopsidedly. Ford gasped and very nearly dropped the nail polish brush he was using on [Y/N]’s nails.

“No… what did you do?”

“I ran!” They giggled, then blew on their freshly-painted nails. “I ran, and then I bumped into Marvin,” Ford sucked air in through his teeth. “And we chatted for a bit. But I digress!”

“No, no,” Ford strained out. “Tell me more. About, uh, you and Marvin.”

“Well,” [Y/N] looked up. “I sort of slipped a little bit on the floors, and Marvin caught me. And we talked about what I had seen. And then, after I had left, he and Arthur chatted for a bit.”

Ford nodded stiffly. “Right. Right, right, right… excellent.”

“You know, Marvin was really very nice. He was all soft when he caught me. And he dusted me off,” They stared at the ceiling lights. And blushed a little bit. “And he glitched out a bit when I thanked him. Does he do that a lot? Does his voice get all garbled with you, too? Oh, gosh,” they looked at a very nonplussed Ford. “You don’t suppose he’s in need of a repair, do you?”

“No… no. I’m sure he’s fine. Why, um, why are you so flushed?” Ford nudged [Y/N] with his elbow.

They blushed brighter and stared at him. “Uh… the alcohol?” they gestured to the extraterrestrial wine that Ford had brought along. He snorted.

“Don’t lie, you haven’t even had a sip.”

“How do you know that-?!”

“It’s still very much corked. Which reminds me,” he popped the bottle open a took a direct swig. “Cheers. But, really, why are you blushing?”

“Ugh. Do you promise you won’t squeal to anyone?”

Ford shifted around in his seat. On one hand, if what [Y/N] was going to reveal to him was objectionable, Arthur would actually probably have a breakdown if not told. On the other hand, Ford was [Y/N]’s best friend, and losing their trust put a bad taste in his mouth…
“Yes, of course.”

They nodded solemnly, “Right. Good. If you do reveal this to anyone, I’ll slit your throat. Okay, so, I think that Marvin…” Ford leaned forward in his seat. “…may have caught me singin karaoke in my room. I know! I know.”

Ford sighed, whether of relief or of disappointment I have no clue (and neither does he).

“Right… which is why you always get all embarrassed whenever you see him, or talk about him, or…”

“Yes, and also why he starts freaking out whenever I talk to him. Maybe he doesn’t want me to know that he’s onto me? Onto my shitty singing?”

“Onto you? You sound like you’ve committed a crime.” Ford sipped from his bottle.

[Y/N] looked up at him stonily. “With how bad my singing is,” they narrowed their eyes. “I may well have. It… it has to be illegal on some fascist planet to dance so awfully, right?”

Ford shrugged. “You’ll have to consult The Guide on that one.”

[Y/N] stared at Ford. And stared at him. And then started cracking up. And before They knew it, both of the pair were snorting and giggling like schoolchildren, writhing about on the sofa.

And after they had calmed down, [Y/N] sighed, then spoke up.
“Oh, and I’m also totally whipped for Marvin.”

“WHAT-”

Chapter Text

Ford rolled over in his and Arthur’s shared bed.

“What?” the human mumbled. “What now?”

“Well,” the alien sat up. “About Marvin…”

Arthur groaned. “God, no. Please no.” He rubbed his eyes.

“I’m just saying! Maybe you should stop being so… um… pushy. Just let Marvin and your cousin do their thing.”

“I may actually get captured by a Vogon ship, instead. Please, no, I don’t want to…”

Ford sighed and ran a hand through the other man’s short brown hair. “Look, I understand. Well, I don’t, but I respect you. But to be so incredibly frank with you, I think that it would be for the best if you stopped threatening that poor robot and just let him live his mechanical life. And if he and [Y/N] were to be romantically involved, so be it. It would make them happy, wouldn’t it?”

Arthur hummed. “Urgh. Fine. Don’t expect me to be too enthused about the prospect, though. I am doing this solely because I trust your judgement. And also because I want [Y/N] to be happy.”

Ford laid back, a cocky smile gracing his sharp features. “All I’m hearing is that you trust my judgement.”

“Yeh, yeh. Goodnight, Ford.”

“Goodnight, Arthur.”

***

The next morning, Arthur purposefully sought out Marvin.

The android groaned. “What now? Here to harass me some more with concerns to your cousin? Threaten me a bit?”

Arthur grimaced guiltily.
“Right. About that, I’m really very sorry about my treatment of you. Honestly. But that’s not all.”

Marvin sighed tinnily.
“Joy.”

“If you really, truly want to get romantically affiliated with [Y/N], I suppose I have no qualms with it. I’m fine with being tangentially related to you.” Arthur was already Zaphod’s cousin-in-law; what was another weird relative?

Marvin looked at Arthur and blinked. “Erm. Alright, then. But, you forget, there’s really no chance of us getting into a relationship.”

Arthur sat down across from Marvin.
"Why’s that?”

Marvin laughed derisively.
“Because, well, I’m me, and they’re them. They’re all optimistic and sweet and kind and all that silly nonsense, and I’m…” he gesticulated vaguely.

“A cynic supreme? Self-proclaimed genius? Unpleasant robot?” Arthur suggested.

“I’m going to tell [Y/N] you said that.”

“Please god no. They’d genuinely kill me. I’d be a torso floating in space.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“No, but genuinely, I think you have a shot. The ball is in your court, it’s just up to you to toss it right,” Arthur half-shrugged. “And, um, for the record… I think that you have the capability to not ruin this.”

“…I don’t play basketball.”

“Analogy.”

“Oh,” the robot thought for a bit. “See, that’s one thing. I can hardly relate to the majority of the biotic, never mind all the caveats of the human race. And- ugh, they have all of these mannerisms that I can’t even begin to understand.”

“Your galaxy-sized brain can’t comprehend my cousin?”

“Ludo.” The bot nodded.

“The term is bingo. And, anyway, that’s good! It means they fascinate you. Now, if you understood them in and out, I don’t think they would be as appealing to you,” The human raised his eyebrows. “Am I right?”

“Ehh… well, yes. I mean- they’re just so strange. It’s wonderful.” Marvin internally gagged at his borderline-dreamy ‘highschooler with a crush’ tone.

“Right. So, just… try your hardest to understand. And if you don’t, don’t worry about it. Half of the fun is in the confusion.”

The robot’s LED eyelights blinked on and off. “For such a damn idiot,” he grumbled. “You know an awful lot more than me in this field. More than I would like for you to know.”

“I’m aware.”

“Still no guru, mind you. Trillian would tend to agree.”

“I’m aware of that, too! Jesus. Low blow. I’ll tell [Y/N] you said that.”

“Oh please no. I’d be a CPU discarded in a trash heap on some derelict old planet if such a thing were to ever happen.”
“That’s what I thought.”

“Anyway, the encouragement is appreciated. I will mull over what you said.” Marvin nodded.

“Hm,” Arthur couldn’t help but smile. “You had better.”

Chapter Text

[Y/N] was trying to engineer how to make proper tea in their room using just hair dye and conditioner. Marvin was sulking in a corner, preoccupied with all of the woes that had arrived to him as of late. The remaining crew members (Eddie included, for some reason) were seated around a table, solemnly acting as though all of them (Zaphod excluded) were politicians at a board meeting.

“It’s not as though I’m not supportive of them,” Trillian muttered, adjusting the lapel of her nice jacket. “It’s just that I’m… well, I’m judging their decisions big time.”

“Personally, it’s come as a big surprise to me, learning this about [Y/N],” Zaphod said, leaning over to gently pat Trillian’s arm.

Ford scoffed. “That’s because your heads are too far up your arse for you to be able to notice if a box of thumbtacks was emptied in a cup of your water.”

Arthur shivered a little bit, but then straightened himself. “I agree with Ford, yeah.”

“Hey, zip it, monkeyman.” Zaphod grunted.

“Well, I feel like I have some authority on this subject. I mean, none of you know what happened on Magrathea,” Arthur smiled smugly, before his expression dropped. “Hey, why do you always call me monkeyman, but you never refer to [Y/N]-”

Ford held up a finger, leaning over the table and tugging Arthur’s bathrobe. “What happened on Magrathea?”

“Oh, now you’re interested?” Arthur muttered, feeling extraordinarily petty. “I thought you wanted a blithering simian like me to, ah, ‘zip it’?”
Ford gave him a look, and he immediately crumpled like an aluminium can.
“Alright, fine. Computer, dim the lights.”

“You got it, feller!”

“Shut up. Anyway,” he cracked his knuckles and cleared his throat. “You all had sent me and Marvin away from your group, and…”

And (if you’ll excuse the switch to third-person, because first-person writing is torture for the author) [Y/N] had insisted on joining them.

“What? What? What’s wrong with Marvin and Arthur, huh?” they hissed, gesticulating wildly. “Why can’t they come along?”

Trillian raised her eyebrows in nonverbal admonishment. Zaphod scoffed. “Because- hah- you know why.” On an unrelated note, when they got back to the ship, Zaphod ended up receiving a bowlcut. Both heads, mind you.

“Well, I’m not coming either, then!” they huffed.

“Hold on-” Trillian interjected. “Why are you telling us this? We were there for it! You’re describing something that we witnessed firsthand, and for what joy?”

“Because of the exposition that the author needs to have a semi-understandable story,” Arthur explained, then promptly vomited on the floor, because breaking the fourth wall tends to do that. “Anyway, tssst! Let me speak.”

On the surface of Magrathea, Arthur and [Y/N] took in the general environment.

“The air,” [Y/N] coughed. “Is exceptionally thin, here. Whew!”

“Tell me about it,” Arthur murmured. “I’m going to go, uh… explore, now.” He cast a glance Marvin-wards.

“Whaaat, are you too good to spend time with your cousin, now?” they tilted their head.

“I mean, you’re welcome to join.” Arthur wrung his hands.

The smiled ruefully, giving Arthur a quick hug. “I don’t think that’d be the best for me, considering the, ah… quality of the good old oxygen here. I think I’ll just stay back with the android.”

“Right, yeah, that’s also fine. You… have fun. Yeah.” Patting their elbow, Arthur set off to map the terrain, as it were.

[Y/N] waltzed right on over to Marvin and promptly sat down next to him.
“Hello, Marv!” they grinned.

“…hello.”

“How’re you?”

“Guess. Or don’t. I don’t feel very good, as a matter of fact.”

“Oh, I understand,” they paused, stretching their legs out in front of them. “Do you know how to play poker, then?”

“Play poker- what do you think? Yes, I know how to play poker! I have a brain-”

“The size of a galaxy, yes, I know. Do you want to play?”

He sighed a very taxed and tortured sigh. “Oh, if we must.”

“Great!” a pause. Then, a sheepish, “…do you have any cards?”

He gave them a very severe look. “You’re asking me to do something as fatuous as playing a game of poker with you, and you don’t even have any cards?”

“Yeah, um…” They looked down at their lap. “I’m just trying to fill the space with words. Random jabber. Sorry.”

“No, don’t-” he sighed. “Don’t apologise. Just… why? I can’t imagine having to converse with me is a particularly rewarding pursuit.”

“For starters, no-one else talks to you all that much without being extraordinarily disrespectful. On top of that, you’ll find that I quite like being around you.”

“Huh,” Marvin looked at [Y/N], completely dumbfounded. “Well… ah… that’s incredibly illogical of you. Thank you, though.”

They laughed, shifting closer to the robot. “Hello? I’m only human. It’s my job to be a little illogical, a little facetious.”

“Mm. Well, what now?”

“I’m quite tired, actually. Intergalactic jetlag.”

“Funny you should mention that- myself, I’m constantly tired.”

So, [Y/N] took hold of Marvin’s hand, pulled his arm around their shoulders, and fell asleep. Marvin stared at them, momentarily felt his entire operating system completely bug out, then counted five hundred paddocks’ worth of sheep before falling asleep a second later.
That was when Arthur actually left, and all the business with Slartibartfast and the videotapes and all that other tomfuckery happened.

When Arthur concluded, he looked expectantly around the table. Everyone seemed immersed in their own thoughts.

And then, [Y/N] exited their room, completely frazzled and looking a mess.

“Woah,” muttered Zaphod. “Uh, hey kid. You look shitty.”

“Whuzzat?” they narrowed their eyes.

“Your clothes look pretty! Ahahaha. That’s what I said. Say, uh… you’ve been in that room of yours for a while. You hungry?” one head chewed the inside of its cheek, while the other put on a flawless façade of nonchalance.

“Now that you mention it, yes, I am. Very much so, actually.”

“Right, fantastic. Have a seat, take a nap, do whatever. It’s a long trip to the place we’re heading to.”

“That being?”

“Well, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, naturally.”

Chapter Text

“Well, that sounds… great! Sounds great!” [Y/N] forced a smile, then yawned.

“Did you manage to engineer the tea, yet?” Arthur asked, daring to be hopeful.

“What do you think? What do you think, Arthur? Honest to God, what do you think?” they scowled at him.

He gave a defeated sigh. “Right, I suppose I’ll just go ask around…” he got up to do just that, shuffling away.

“Right, so, what’s new with you?” they took Arthur’s seat the minute he stood up, leaning forward.

“Well, amongst other things, not much.” Trillian responded.

Ford cleared his throat. “Now would be a very good time to bring up the fact that we’re currently being pursued by a Vogon ship.”

Everyone turned to Ford, goggle-eyed. Zaphod yelled, “Get outta my way!” as he upended [Y/N]’s chair in the process of scrambling to get to the control panel.

“Oh my goodness,” they whispered, now facing the ceiling. “oh my goodness,” they got to their feet, pacing around the ship, “we’re going to die! Genuinely, this time! Zaphod, is there a chance of the steering the ship out of the way?”

“Well, the computer’s not working. Nor is the control panel.”

“what”

“I don’t know what to tell you!! Nothing’s working!!! It’s saying that it’s currently occupied!!!”

It was at that point that [Y/N] made a beeline to a slumped over, sulking Marvin and slumped over themself right next to him.
“What now?” he muttered.

“We’re being pursued by a Vogon ship.”

“Hasn’t that happened to you, before?”

“Oh, sure, but now there’s literally no way to escape!”

“Isn’t that what you thought as well, last time?”

“This time it’s true, though! The ship isn’t working! Nothing is working! I’m going to die, Arthur’s going to die, you’re going to be destroyed!” they bawled, now fully bursting into histrionics.

“Oh dear,” thought Marvin. He put a very hesitant arm around the hysterically sobbing human. “Why is this always your reaction? When you first boarded the Heart of Gold and I was sent to receive you, you were shrieking about how you were going to die. And here we are, again, with you… crying.” It made Marvin both want to kick someone and comfort [Y/N] simultaneously, which was a very unfamiliar torrent of emotions on an otherwise apathetic android.

“Well, I think I’m justified, here! Look-” they squinted. “Is… is Zaphod performing a séance? Dear god, he is. Zaphod is performing a séance while we are being pursued by a malevolent ship… we’re hopeless.” They sort of folded in on themself.

Then the ship started being shot at.

The turbulence shook them and bounced them as though they were a table tennis ball. The ship suffered an especially heavy blow, and they were further pushed into Marvin’s arms. They cried harder, hyperventilating.

“Ohhhhh my circuits,” Marvin whispered, taking in the fact that the human was now pressed up against his chest. “Are you alright? You appear to be asphyxiating.”

“What does it matter!? I’m on a ship with a lunatic who’s talking to his dead ancestor, and- and- and- oh god, it’s over for me!”

Marvin considered this, fell impossibly more in love with them, then secured two arms around their waist. “…there, there, shh-shh-shh. If we’re all going to die, what’s the use in crying, hmm? Chin up, quiet down.” That was how humans were meant to be comforted, right? Yeah, totally.
[Y/N] looked up at Marvin, completely bewildered for a solid moment, and then the two of them promptly disappeared in a blinding flash of light.

When the pair of them came to, they were on a completely different planet. There was sun shining off the windows, directly into their faces.

“So this is Heaven, I suppose,” [Y/N] rasped out. “Why are you here? I thought robots didn’t have souls. Why is Zaphod here? Are Trillian and Arthur and Ford in Hell, then?”

“This isn’t Heaven, this is Frogstar World B,” Marvin was already up and standing, and he pulled the human up with him. “Where did you see Zaphod?”

“Going into that building over there.” They tilted their head in the direction of a skyscraper.

“We should go after him.”

“Yeah, we should.”

Marvin took their hand, walking into the building. Inside, Zaphod was busying himself arguing with an elevator.

“What are you doing?” the human sighed from behind him.

“Gah-! I’m, um… first off, hello, and hi to you too, Marvin. Anyway, this- this damned lift isn’t taking me upstairs.”

“What do you mean by that? Is it broken?”

“Oh, no, not at all,” the elevator chimed in, nice and serene in tone. “I’m just wondering if you’ve considered going downstairs, rather than upstairs.”

Marvin nodded sagely, before stepping up to the elevator. “I understand.” He sort of leaned forward and emitted a mechanical whirring noise. The elevator whirred in turn. This went on for a bit of time, before the elevator started going up.

“I’m only doing this,” it orated. “Because I like your robot.”

“Who doesn’t?” [Y/N] grinned as the three of them stepped out of elevator, waving goodbye.

“Alright, well, I’m going to head off to find a fellow called Zarniwoop. You two, just… stay put.”

And with that, Zaphod ran off. The android looked at the human. The human looked at the android.

“Well, thar he blows.” He muttered.

“What are we meant to do now? Explore?”

Marvin scoffed. “Oh, please, this place is abhorrent. Nothing good to explore.”

“Well, then what?!”

“We just sort of sit around and wait for Zaphod, I propose.”

“Sounds reasonable.”

So, they sat down on the floor. Stared out of the windows. Dozed off momentarily. Stared out of the window some more. This time, [Y/N] found a deck of cards laying around the area, so they played some poker.
“Go fish,” they drawled.

Marvin looked at them as though they were crazy. “Have we been playing the same game for the past two hours?”

“Uno, right?”

“I- huh- what- what?!” he sputtered.

“Oh, relax. I’m only joking. God, it’s so easy to fluster you!”

“You don’t know half of it,” he muttered.

“Did you say something?”

“Nothing,- hey, is that a spaceship?” they both squinted out of the window. “I do believe that’s the Heart of Gold.”

And then the Heart of Gold blipped out of existence. In all actuality, it just travelled forward in time, alongside all of its passengers.
“Hey-” [Y/N] yelled. “Hey! Hello- you left us here! Hello! Hello!”

“Oh, god, it’s no use. They’re already gone.” The robot slumped over.

“Well, we just need to go after them.”

“And how do you suppose we do that?”

“We need to think like them. Simple.”

“…go on…”

“Look,” they placed a hand on Marvin’s shoulder, gesticulating vaguely. “Right before all of this… this tomfuckery with the Vogons and the Toadcomets and whatnot, what did Zaphod say?”

“What?”

“That he’d take us to the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. Don’t you think that’s where they’re headed off to?”

“Seems… plausible.”

“Right? So, all we need to do is find a ship of our own and get it to take us there.”

“Are you suggesting we hijack a random ship to pursue our crewmates?” he narrowed his eyes.

“What? No, no no no. We’re not going to steal a ship! We’re going to hitchhike.”

“That somehow seems more dangerous.”

“Fair point, but what else can we do?”

“I concede.”

They took the elevator down, much to the elevator’s relief, and exited the building.

“Um, Marv…”

“Ye-e-es?”

“Do you see any spaceships around here?”

As it happened, a throng of what would probably classify as young adults began to load themselves into a very garish spaceship. Well, it didn’t really look like a spaceship at all.

“Hey, um-” the human waved their arms, then held out their thumb. One person stuck her head out. “Where are you going?” they asked.

She laughed an extraordinarily grating (though, not at all malicious) valley girl laugh. “Ohhh, only Milliways. The Restaurant at the End of the Universe.”

“Oh! Oh, that’s lovely. Can we, erm, join you? Just for the commute.”

The person smiled (dear god, did all inhabitants of this planet have such sharp teeth?). “Yeah, sure, hop in!”

They did indeed hop in. The Frogstarian at the wheel punched in the coordinates into what appeared to be the GPS.

And then they hopped through time.

Chapter Text

“Well, isn’t this a sight.” Marvin assessed the area. There was a peculiar building in front of him, with porraceous lighting and a general black/gold/green colour scheme. There was a classy sign out front that read Milliways. The party that they had travelled with was nowhere to be seen.

“I think I’m dead. I’m dead, and I’m nauseous.” [Y/N] groaned, doubling over.

“How many times will I need to explain this? You’re not dead, you’ve just travelled into the future.”

“What…? I thought we were going to that restaurant.”

“The restaurant isn’t located in a different point in space; it’s located in a different point in time. The sooner you realise that the two are extricable, the better.”

“That doesn’t explain why I feel like I’m going to vomit.”

“Oh, simple time-sickness. You’ll get over it. Come on, now, the rest of our… friends… are in the restaurant.”

They managed to slip past the waiter, who was entrenched in a profanity-laden argument with a group of teenagers with gray skin and horns.
Upon entering, Marvin was sort of underwhelmed (as per usual) and [Y/N] was completely taken aback.
“Dear god, the lights! The people! The food! Thank goodness we snuck in here- a reservation must cost an arm and a leg.”

They walked around a bit, then spotted their crew.

“There they are,” Marvin tilted his head towards them. “Go, uh, take your seat. Order some food.”

The human pondered this, feeling increasingly ill at ease as they watched Ford and Zaphod and Arthur and Trillian; drunk, carefree, unaware of the fact that they had left two people behind way back in time. They grabbed onto Marvin’s hand. “I think I’m a bit underdressed for such a lovely establishment.” They mumbled.

“Arthur’s in his bathrobe. And, besides, you look… above average.”

“…I don’t want to be here, Marv. Can we go somewhere else? Together?”

Marvin considered this. His logic gates were on the fritz, again. Then, he squeezed their hand and whispered, “Alright. Sure, we can do that.”

So, the both of them exited the building. It was nighttime outside. “Where do we go?” the human whispered.

“How does the car park sound?”

“Sounds… lovely.”

They walked to the car park. Sat together on the hood of a truck. The moonlight was barely illuminating their surroundings, and the stars winked and twinkled at them from above. Marvin’s LED eyes were focused squarely on the ground below them.

“So,” [Y/N] began. “…hi, there.”

“Indeed. Hello.”

“It’s a beautiful night, right?”

“Mhm.” He snuck a glance in their direction, before looking back down again upon making eye contact.

“How long have we known each other for?”

“Minus all of the temporal shenanigans, I really can’t tell.”

They shifted closer to him. “Right… well, I really do hope I’m not coming off as too forward for your tastes, and if I am, I apologise, but I… well, I think I’ve taken quite a liking to you.”

Marvin froze up entirely. He did an especially speedy system reboot before looking back at them. Suddenly, he felt all of the heaviness of his metal form. Heard all of the mechanical whirring and buzzing. What did this human do to him?
“…I think you’re tolerable.”

They looked down. “Oh.”

“No, I mean- that’s not all, I think you’re also far more than tolerable. I quite like being around you. You’re very pleasant, as humans go. You’re very pleasant… in general.”

“Oh, gosh…”

“I like being around you. Genuinely, I enjoy your company. I seek it out, in fact! It’s infuriating, really. Infuriating how much, in this span of time, you’ve made me feel.”

They squinted at him, then the corners of their mouth started to twitch. “Is… is that so? Well, Marvin, I think I’ll stop pussyfooting around and finally just tell you that I really love you. I think you’re swell, Marv, I do, I really really do.”

He stopped once again. Finally looked at them, really looked at them, took in everything. The teal light from his eyes lit up their face. Then, he slumped over in their direction and tilted his head downwards. In turn, they sat up straighter and tilted their head up. And then the both of them kissed.
Kissing Marvin was not unlike kissing a wall; he was cold, and his face was flat.
Kissing [Y/N] was an… unusual experience for Marvin. In part because he hadn’t done any smooching prior to this, but also because they were warm and soft and so foreign to him.
It was the finest thing that happened to either in a long time.

They both pulled away from each other for half a second, before leaning back in and pressing their foreheads together. The human started laughing.

“What?” said Marvin.

“Nothing. This is just really surreal, is all.” They tossed their arms around his shoulder, kissing him all over his face.

“O-o-o-oh m-my god,” he whispered, once again lagging. “What are you doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing, silly?”

“You,” he sighed, clasping his hands over their lower back. “Are perplexing. You consistently make me feel apoplectic.”

“I know.”

“In a good way. Apoplectic in a good way.”

“I know, Marvin!”

“Right.”

“For the record, I love you more than my heart can handle, sometimes.”

“Right,” he remembered that it was customary to return the sentiment. “I love you, too.”

They sat together for a bit, gazing a little at the stars and a lot at each other. “Do you want to go back up?” the human asked.

“I’m neutral.”

“Can we stay here, then?”

“Sure, we can,” He pulled his arm tighter around their waist and kicked his legs a bit. “This is quite nice, really.”

“I just hope the owner of this truck doesn’t come back any time soon.”

“Yeah, uh, neither do I.”

Chapter Text

“Okay, well, this has been an interesting development.” Marvin murmured, gently compressing the human in his arms.

“Mhm.”

“Shall I call our friends, then?”

“Our friends? I thought you hated those… those twats.” They sniffed haughtily.

“Yes, well… is that a no?” he tilted his head.

“Oh, I do think you should ring them up. I’d like to give them an earful for leaving us stranded in the past.”

“Alright, then.” He pressed his hand against the side of his face, because he was a robot and all, and mumbled something into his palm. After some words of confirmation, he nodded and put his hand down.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, before they saw four indistinct figures in the distance, rapidly approaching until both parties were in each other’s propinquities.
Arthur took the opportunity to double over, panting, while everyone else was smiling apologetically.

“[Y/N]! Marvin! Hi… oh, gosh, we’re really sorry for leaving you here! How long were you waiting for…?” said Trillian.

“Ooooh, not too long, only A LITTLE OVER ONE MILLION YEARS!”
Marvin could have objected and brought up the time travel, but this was also sort of fun.

Trillian cringed, “Oh, pet, we really are sorry- how did you survive for so long, though?”

“With immense amounts of sadness that you deserted us.” Marvin chimed in. [Y/N] concealed a smile.

She sighed, opting to not prolong the conversation, seeing as the two of them were planning on being obstinate.

“How about we just head back to the spaceship, already!” Arthur suggested, on his two legs again.

“Yes, yes, that’s an excellent idea! I packed some leftovers for you, [Y/N]-” Trillian was desperately trying to get back in their good graces.

They considered the idea. They considered the idea for a long, long time, before half-conceding with a shrug.
“What kind?”

“Huh?”

“What kind of leftovers?”

“Oh, you know… a bit of steak. A spot of soup, courtesy of Arthur,” Arthur smiled with all the smugness and self-assurance of a cat who actually bothered to piss in the litterbox, rather than on the floor. “Some salad, too!”

They nodded. Once, twice. “Alright, I’m convinced. Let’s go, then. Come along, Marvin.”
The pair slid off the bumper of the truck they had been sitting on, and for the first time in a while (over a million years), everybody walked back to the Heart of Gold.

***

Once inside, [Y/N] nodded at Trillian to hand them the bag of leftovers before grabbing Marvin’s hand and heading to their room with a quick ‘thank you’.

“Soooo,” Ford grinned at Arthur as soon as the door shut. “What do you think they’re doing in there?”

Arthur narrowed his eyes. “What are you playing at, here?”

“Nothing! Nothing, honestly. I’m just genuinely curious as to what you think those two were doing all through our absence up till now!”

Eyes squeezed shut, Arthur palmed at Ford’s face and tilted the other’s head sharply away from himself, so as to not be subjected to the shit-eating grin on the alien’s face. “Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up, Ford.”

“Whaaaat! I thought you’d started being all mature and serene about the two of them dating! What’s making you so pissed, now?”

“How… how did Marvin manage to find love… before ME?”
Ford blinked, once, twice, before opening his mouth and saying one of the stupidest things he had said in a while.

***

Inside the room, [Y/N] haphazardly tossed the paper bag of comestibles roughly close to their desk, before collapsing onto their bed. Marvin loomed about in the corner of the room, observing.

“Aren’t you gonna lay down with me?”

“Oh. Am I supposed to?”

“I’d like you to!”

So that’s what he ended up doing. Torso against [Y/N]’s back, arm tentatively around their chest, barely processing it all.
They were warm. Warm in an actually pleasant way, too! Usually he erred towards cooler temperatures, being a robot and all, but he found himself really enjoying this.
That was a cause for concern.

“Er,” he tried his hardest to keep as quiet as possible, as if the whole ship would fall to pieces were he too callous. “Is this alright? I’m not squeezing too hard, am I?”
“Just perfect,” they sighed, and he felt the warmth of their breath on his metal, saw how it clouded up over the lustre. Had this been because of anyone else, he would have moaned about having to wipe down his plating, but not here. “So, Marv…”

He snapped out of his reverie. “Mmh?”

“How are we going to go about this whole romance thing? I mean… I do adore you, and I’m fairly sure you regard me cordially, too, but… augh. Are we romantically involved, now?”

Marvin choked, and gave his neck a little twist to force his fans to work again. “Well, I think so? I’m not too sure. This is my first time feeling something like this regarding… anybody. Am I your boyfriend, now?”

They giggled. “Look at you with the vernacular! I… suppose you are? I don’t much like that word, really.”

He relaxed. “Oh, good, neither do I. I abhor the title, in fact. But we are still an item, yes?”

“Mhm.”

He almost said something, but thought better of it, instead opting to press his flat face against the back of his human’s neck.
“Stay the night?” they murmured.

“I’ll stay every night, if you’re so inclined.”
And then he powered off.