Archive of Our Own

The night was cold. 

A soft breeze blew in through the crack in his window , though he could shut it and save himself from the piercing cold needle pricks of the wind he ignored it. 
Soft lit rays of the moons light did nothing to ease the raging mix of emotions that welled within Bradley's chest. They peered in through the cracks between his curtains illuminating the window frame and reminding him that he should be asleep.  

Instead, he lay next to a warm body, that had felt all too soft and all too wrong as they had pressed their bodies against each other and lost themselves to pleasure, while he thought about a boy. Now she lay in bed, a mere space between them, with her back turned from him as her soft breaths haunted Bradley. Guilt clawed its way to his chest. 
He was only hurting her, himself and Max by doing this. 

Careful not to wake her he snuck to the bathroom, desperate to escape the hell he'd created for himself. 

With a quiet click, he shut the door. He left the light off , he wouldn't be able to recognise himself even if the lights were on. Instead, he let the moonlight illuminate his skin as the mellow rays shone through the open window. 

Leaning his hands against the vanity, he peered at himself in the mirror. His heart rate spiked as he noticed a delicate press of pink lipstick smeared against the corner of his mouth.  Heart racing, he frantically scrubbed his skin desperate to remove the mark. 
He stared at the remaining pink smear on his hand. 

Turning his gaze back to the mirror he glared at his reflection , maybe if he glared at himself long enough he'd gather the courage to do what was right. 
But Bradley Uppercrust the III was nothing but a coward. 

Through the corner of his eye, he spotted a lone photo, once surrounded by several others and notes of declarations of love and content, now tattered and singular. 
He stared at the soft slope of his own smile, the gentle colouring in his cheeks as Max stared at him with such devotion it made the unmistakable feeling of longing pang within his chest.  Though the room was encompassed in a dull blue hue, his mind was vivid with bright yellows and pinks as he reminisced on the past. 

He missed Max. 
He loved Max.

The realisation cascaded upon him like a tone of bricks, until his head chanted nothing but a mantra of 'Max, Max, Max' 

Glancing back at himself in the mirror , his gaze hardened. 

Silently creeping through his room, careful not to disturb the woman asleep in his bed, he wrapped himself in a coat and escaped into the halls of the Gamma fraternity house. 

-

He found himself in front of Tanks room. 
Although their friendship was rocky at best, his behaviour at the X-games still hung like a dark cloud over their friendship , Tank was still his best friend. He was eternally grateful for that. 

He knocked on the door, impatiently tapping his foot as he wrapped his coat tighter around himself. 
When the door finally creaked open, a dishevelled and sleep-ridden Tank greeted him.  

"Bradley? Sweetheart it's the middle of the night " Tank said through a muffled yawn. 

"I'm Gay" He spat out. 

Taken aback, the dreariness of sleep cleared from Tanks eyes in an instant. Hands the size of melons tugged him towards Tanks wide chest. He'd always been a softie.
"I had a feeling, but thank you for telling me "

He let himself be hugged and comforted. It was a new and unfamiliar territory for them, but not an unwelcome one. 

"Now," Tank started, pulling away from the hug. He settled against the floor and tugged Bradley down beside him.
"Don't get me wrong, I'm happy you told me. But why the sudden need? Bradley Baby, it's the middle of the night." Tank laughed, his warm body shaking next him. It served him a great deal of comfort. 

"I had a relationship of sorts with a boy, and I ruined it." 
"He wanted to be more than a secret and I couldn't do it" He sighed, head in his hands as he spilt secrets he'd kept hidden from everyone but one. 

"Well, you always were a coward " 

Quickly leaning back from Tank offence flashed across Bradley's features and he laid a soft punch against his arm. 
Tank laughed softly holding his hands up in defeat. He was glad they could joke like this now , it felt more like a friendship. 

"Maybe you need to take the first step. Apologise, just like you did with me and go from there " 
"What's the worst that could happen?"

Taking his words to heart, Bradley stared into the wooden floors as if they held all the answers. He thought about the girl asleep in his bed, the nasty feelings being with her brought him, he thought about the crumpled notes and photos which lay in his bedside drawer that he just couldn't will himself to throw away, and he thought about Max, the warm comforting feelings that would bubble up within him when they were alone. He missed him. God, he was such an idiot. 

Standing up with a newfound sense of purpose, he thanked his friend and headed for the door. Flinging it open he ran headfirst into the cold chill of the night. 

"I didn't mean now!" Tank called after him, though Bradley heard nothing. His head was too full of apologies and promises of 'i love you'.

- 

He stared at the wooden door before him. 
He'd run all the way here, and had, had no second thoughts. Though now that he stood mere meters from Max, nothing but a flimsy college door separating them, anxiety pooled in his chest making his breath quicken and his pulse thump. 

Summoning what little courage he had remaining he raised his hand, clenched his fist and let his knuckles rap against the wooden door. His heart hammered in his chest, fear held his stomach in an iron grip, and only one word was comprehensible in his mind. 'Max'

'Max, Max, Max, Max' It played like a broken record, though he couldn't get it to stop he wouldn't get it to stop. 

His chest heaved in icy ragged broken breaths, and visible puffs of air escaped his lungs into the cold night. The longer he waited, staring holes through the door hoping it would make the time pass faster, the louder his beating heart became. 

And finally, with a click and a broken squeak the door swung open. There in all his glory, the boy who had haunted Bradley's mind for months, the boy who'd shown him a kindness no one else had ever thought to. Max. 
He was ruffled, hair a mess, missing a sock, pillow creases splayed over his cheek but Bradley had never seen him look better, he was divine. He'd remind himself of that for the rest of his days if only Max would take him back. 

"It's the middle of the night " He started, eyes pinched shut at the abruptness of light and voice rough with sleep as one hand massaged the bridge of his nose. 
"What do you want-"
Eyes blinking blearily as they adjusted to the harshness of the lit hallways. Finally, he noticed Bradley.  His eyes widened a fraction, pupils dilating, and a sharp breath was sucked in as they were locked in a silent staring contest. 
"Oh," He said. 

The peaceful and serene expression he'd had less than a second ago was wiped away in an instant , instead harsh frown lines and furrowed brows took its place as his lips turned downward into a snarl. Grabbing the door handle harshly he moved to slam the door shut. 

"Wait!" Bradley exclaimed, shoving a hand between the door and the frame, preventing it from being closed . 

He could see the cogs turning in Max's head, the silent debate of Should I? or should I not.  With a begrudging sigh, he opened the door once again. He leant against the frame, folding his arms close to his chest keeping himself guarded. He wouldn't let Bradley hurt him as he had again. 

The previously deafening chant of 'Max, Max, Max' that had dragged him here to begin with had silenced. It instead had been replaced with countless renditions of 'I'm here to apologise, I'm sorry, Please forgive me, I still love you' 

Though there were thousands of words he wanted to say he found he couldn't, his tongue had become lead within his own mouth. 

"I-" He started, forcing himself to just say something.

A loud snore interrupted his thought pattern and both he and Max stared within the room. Max sighed, his shoulders falling as he did. 

"Hold on," He said, gently shutting the door behind him. 

Bradley stepped back and awaited the next move.  Max slumped against the wall, mere steps from his door, and slid to the floor. Crossing his legs he rested his elbows against his thighs and held his hands within his own. Unsure of what to do Bradley nervously waited. 
Patting the floor beside him, Max invited Bradley to sit. 

Knees touching just slightly, Bradley could feel the warmth radiating off him. He missed Max. He missed him more than he missed anything else in the world. 
He studied Max as he glared at the wooden floor.  His shoulders were hunched, his eyes were glossed over whether that be from the sudden wake-up or unshed tears Bradley would never know, dark shadows painted the underside of his eyes and the bags that lay there were more defined than Bradley had ever seen. 
He looked tired. 

Maybe he was wrong, he'd thought Max had been angry this whole time. Maybe he'd been just as sad as Bradley, but Bradley had been so comfortable in the warm arms of his own pride that he'd missed it.  Tearing his gaze from Max he stared at the floor in front of him, picking and tearing at his cuticles as he agonised over what to say. 

"I'm sorry " He finally said, voice so quiet he wasn't even sure if he'd even said it aloud. 

He could feel Max's eyes boring into the side of his face. Though he couldn't bring himself to return the gaze. 

"Is that all?" Max said, tone flat as he poorly suppressed the anger that brewed within his chest. 
"You woke me up in the middle of the night for an empty apology? An apology I've heard over and over again."
"Brad, ugh- Bradley. You left me. You said we were nothing, you got with another girl, and you called it quits. Not me." 

"I know. I'm sorry " He said, voice nothing but a whisper. 

When nothing followed, Max laughed breathily. 

"Whatever," he said as he pushed himself off the floor. He was done with this and he was done with Bradley. 

Panic engulfed Bradley's chest, eyes that had been squeezed shut flung open as he lunged for Max's arm. he wrapped his fingers tightly around Max's wrist and gently pulled him back. Max stopped with a jolt , surprised and angry eyes turned to Bradley. Pulling his wrist back towards himself Bradley tugged him closer again. 

The panic doubled , his nerves were on fire, his heart was beating within his ears, it hammered so hard he worried Max would be able to see it through his chest. He worried that if he laid himself bare, Max still wouldn't take him back and although he was going against his nature as an Uppercrust the words he'd say and the thoughts he'd tell would still not be enough for Max. 

"I'm sorry" He started. 
"I was horrible to you, I fled when you got too close. I worried more about the thoughts and opinions of others around me and how their views of me would change than I worried about how my actions were hurting you." 
"I'm sorry Max . You liked, maybe loved even, all of me good and bad, even though I could only love you in secret." 

He gripped Max's hand tighter within his own and once again squeezed his eyes shut. 

Relief flooded him, months upon months of repressed frustrations and feelings he'd finally laid out to air . Even if Max couldn't forgive him, he hoped this would give him some peace of mind, closure perhaps. 
"I'm sorry," He said again, repeating the word like a prayer. 

The night was silent, save for the few snores erupting from Max's dorm and the buzzing of the cheap dorm lights. But the only sound Bradley could hear was that of Max's slow and ragged intakes of air. 

Once he'd finally worked up enough courage, he opened his eyes and dared a glance at Max. 
His eyes were wide , a wet sheen covered his scleras and beaded at his waterline. Deep intakes of air made his chest swell and fall.  He stared at Bradley unspeaking.  
Bradley stared back, feeling an unspoken emotion well between them. 

With a watery laugh, Max used his free hand to scrub at his eyes leaving them red and raw. The desolate look that he'd worn for the weeks following their last parting had finally eased. Instead, the corners of his mouth quirked upwards in a teary smile.  Bradley stared in anticipation, scared that if he moved or looked away for a second the look on Max's face would disappear and the forlorn expression would return. 

With a jolt, Max tugged him upwards. Bradley fought to gain his footing as he crashed against Max's own body and was enveloped within his lean arms.  Shocked, Bradley's breaths became irregular as he fought the wave of emotion clawing its way through his chest.  Burying his face in Max's neck he returned the hug. He squeezed his eyes shut and fought to commit this moment to his memory forever. 

The two stood within the hall, arms holding each other and tails wagging as they let months of secret shared looks and unspoken emotions rest. 

Finally untangling their arms from the other they spoke in hushed voices, wanting this moment to be between them and no one else.  Bradley reached for Max's hand, intertwining their fingers and they spoke in soft quiet voices . 
"I missed you," Bradley said, something that had seemed so impossible to say mere hours ago seemed like second nature now. 
"I can't erase what I've done, but I promise I'll work to earn your forgiveness " 

"You'd better " Max laughed softly. Bumping his shoulder against Bradley's. 

For once Bradley let him be engulfed by the warmth Max gave him and felt no shame within himself. 
It was a start.