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I have been well-aware of this since the very beginning. Ever since I realized what the ache in my chest meant. I knew this love wouldn't bear fruit. And precisely because I was so aware is that I was angry for feeling this way.
“Hey, Mochita. Let's head to the club.” Yu came up to me while I was saving my stuff.
I just nodded. Yu knew about my feelings for Akari, but I hadn't told him I was rejected. I didn't want him to pity me or anything of the sort. Especially if he told me that he was going through the same, when that's not true; he just isn't aware that his love is requited.
“Where's Haruki?” I asked just as Yu placed his hand on the handle.
“In the toilet. He said we could go ahead. It looks like his stomach didn't take lunch too well.”
“Oh, I see… Then let's go in.”
I'm a member of the Movie Research Club. We do work, but sometimes we just watch some movies and talk about them. I mean, it's called Movie Research Club for a reason.
“Wanna watch something?” Yu peeked through the shelves, full of DVDs. “Maybe something romantic, since Valentine's Day is close.”
I clenched my fist. I had been avoiding anything related to romance since the day when it all happened. Whenever I stumble upon romance in non-romance centric media, I start to feel like crying, as pathetic as it may sound.
“Maybe another day…”
“Okay, no problem. There's a bunch of stuff here.”
I couldn't help but glance at him while he put back one of the romance DVDs he had picked up. His wavy hair fell on his face, adorned by his big, purple eyes. I can't help but compare myself to him, he completely beats me in looks. And, probably on personality too.
I wondered if Akari liked Yu. I rather have her not liking anyone, but at least if she likes Yu it'd be unrequited.
“You okay? You've been staring at me.”
“Ah, sorry.” I kept to myself the terrible thoughts I was having.
I've always liked movies, and I've always been a huge fan of the romance genre. I've seen tons of protagonists say stuff like “as long as the person I like is happy, that's enough for me” or “I'm okay with only staying by their side”. Back then, that seemed logical to me. Of course you'd want the person you love to be happy, even if it hurts you. But now I discovered that either those movie MCs were lying or I was just the bad guy.
Of course I want her to be happy, but I don't want that to happen away from me. I've gotten to the point where I get jealous of the most minor stuff, even though I'm nothing to her and we have nothing going on.
I just wish I could be like Yu.
“Sorry for the delay!” The door opened, revealing a blonde guy behind it. “Are we watching something today?”
Haruki is the same as Yu. And I also know Miou likes him back, and that also makes me jealous. Not because I'm interested in Miou or Haruki, but because I can't have what I want.
“God, what am I even thinking? Talking about Akari as if she were "something". I kept that to myself, too.
“Yes.” Yu answered Haruki's question. “No romance, though.”
“Huh? Why?”
“Mochita said he prefers something else.”
Haruki looked at me, as if he wanted to ask something, but he kept quiet. He looked back to the DVDs, both standing next to each other, and again, I couldn't help but observe them. What was it? What was it that I didn't have that makes the girls they like like them back? If I had it, would Akari fall for me? No matter how you looked at it, I'd never be enough for her. How could I? I'm jealous and possessive, wishing for her to go through an unrequited love, and unable to support the idea that her happiness is not with me. And it doesn't make sense. Why am I so bothered when I've always known I wouldn't be enough?
But even if I know I have no right to, I can't help but imagine how it would be to kiss her, or hold her tight, or whatever crosses my brain. But that's something I can't know, and I will never be able to know. And I know that if I stay as a friend, I'll eventually see her get a partner, and maybe I'll catch a glimpse of them doing the things I yearn to do with her.
“Hey, Mochita, this one looks co… huh?” He stopped and put down the DVD. “Wh-what's wrong?”
I didn't notice at first, but in the middle of my thoughts, I had started crying.
I quickly tried to wipe my tears away, but to no avail. They kept flowing from my eyes.
“I-is something the matter? Did something happen?” Yu asked, trying to keep calm.
I couldn't bring myself to tell them that Akari rejected me. It was enough of a reminder to have them standing in front of me. It didn't matter; it wasn't the first time I cried over her, and it wouldn't be the last. Sometimes, it'd be in bed while trying to sleep. Sometimes it'll be in the middle of a lesson or even a test. But who cares? I'm just throwing a tantrum because I can't have everything I dream of.
“It's fine.” I said, rubbing my eyes harder. “I'll go to the toilet.”
“Huh?! But the-”
The sound of the door closing muted the last words he said, but I knew what he was going to say; he wanted to ask what had happened. But I couldn’t, because they'd never understand.
I quickly made my way to the bathroom, closed myself inside one of the stalls and continued to cry. It's all I could do. Pathetically stay with her, cry myself to sleep and pray that something will happen.
But I guess miracles only happen in movies.