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If there was one thing Logflower didn't understand, it was why Ashfall took so long to pick up on a hint.
She didn't know how often she had to spend time with her. It was really quite a privilege, Logflower didn't really like spending time around most cats. But Ashfall… Ashfall was…
Well, she was pretty, for one. Very pretty. That was something Logflower had noticed in her apprentice days when Risingclan didn't have enough warriors to train all the apprentices that had come with them from Fallenclan.
At first getting someone who was her former denmate and peer as her mentor was bitter. She didn't want to listen to Ashfall because Ashfall was barely older than her. They'd been in the nursery together.
Then she couldn't listen to Ashfall, because Ashfall left her heart racing and her eyes staring rather than watching whatever hunting crouch they were supposed to be learning. Whitefur had been much easier to listen to. He'd been an experienced mentor. And an old, grizzled tom.
Really was a bummer that big tree branch had crushed him. Oh well, Logflower moved on. Into being a warrior, into growing up, into going from a silly little apprentice with a crush to one of Ashfall’s friends.
Her crush grew up as well, into proper feelings. Not the fluttery heart and loss of focus, but something gut-wrenching and real.
She saw Darkfrost and Shadowskip whisper whenever they talked. Evidently, Ashfall was the only one not picking up on it. Logflower’s feelings felt like a stone in her stomach, weighing her down.
Maybe Ashfall didn't want to notice them. That would be okay, Logflower promised herself. She could get over it. It was just her first time falling in love. Sure it would scar her emotionally, but with dead parents, a dead brother, and a dead mentor, what was one more wound to carry?
She just hoped she could find her answer soon.
“Okay, this is starting to get pathetic.” Chivebounce’s words grated on their ears in a way that made Sedgebreeze want to claw their own fur off. They looked at their sister, maintaining the same, cool stare they tried to give everything. It wasn't easy when Chivebounce knew them so well.
Sedgebreeze hissed softly and traced lazy shapes into the dust. “Like you're one to talk when you're mates with Appleshade. Who, I might add, cheated on you with a Fallenclan cat.”
Chivebounce's expression darkened. She knew neither of her siblings would ever approve about her choice of mate. Sedgebreeze would never be quiet about it either. “He was with her first,” she murmured, like that changed something, “And I knew that.”
“I'm not sure knowing he was cheating makes it any better,” Sedgebreeze retorted with a roll of their eyes.
“Do you want my romantic advice or not?”
“No!”
“So does Ashfall want to go hunting today or…” Logflower watched Darkfrost's eyes shift from her to his sister sitting by the medicine den. Her gaze was fixed on Hootbreeze as he removed a thorn from the paw of one of his kits.
“I think she's busy,” he whispered and turned back to Streamfall, giving her a lick over the ear. His mate purred, but watched Logflower with such pity the brown she-cat wanted to scream.
The pretty tortoiseshell cleared her throat and leaned forward to whisper in her ear, “It does get easier, you know. To watch them love someone else.”
“This isn't anything like your stupid apprentice crush on Cinderblaze,” she snapped. Streamfall’s feelings for the dark gray tom had been insufferable. At least Ashfall didn't have a mate. It was different.
(It had to be.)
“Sometimes I wonder if I'm meant to lose everyone.” Ashfall's voice was thin. Her parents are gone, taken by flood waters too soon.
Logflower glanced away. Brownkit’s hazy face lied in the back of her memory like the lingering pain after a blow. She knew Ashfall didn't mean to force the ache she carried to rise so close to the surface, but the sting of being alone since her kithood days was too much.
“No one is meant to lose anyone,” she cleared her throat. Ashfall's parents were dead, Hootbreeze would never be interested in her, forever waiting for his dead mate. Logflower understood the hole the she-cat now felt, but Ashfall didn't understand hers.
She didn't mean to, but she felt like she was losing her. Those emotions that clogged her senses rose up like the river had, preventing her from speaking.
Ashfall's parents were dead and no declaration of love would bring them back. This wasn't a pain Logflower could heal. The sharp lesson of her kithood days would keep her going.
I love you. The words traced the edges of her mind as Ashfall cried herself to sleep in her nest. Logflower’s body was stiff, touch just as much as was appropriate, allowed. She wasn't the kind of cat to take advantage of the situation. She was perfectly respectable. Ashfall was just a friend.
“I'm sorry,” Ashfall murmured, “What I did last night wasn't appropriate. It won't happen again.”
Logflower smiled and nodded, telling her it was alright. She could come apart later.
Something walked right into them and Sedgebreeze turned around with an annoyed hiss, ready to snap at whoever it was to get back to work. They stopped when their gaze met yellow-green eyes, expression changing to one of surprise.
“Log… Logflower,” they swallowed. They couldn't do this. She was right in front of them and they didn't even know what to say. They shifted when they saw the downtrodden expression the she-cat had. Sitting down, they patted the ground with their tail. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Logflower shook her head, but when she glanced back at where Ashfall was eating a mouse, Sedgebreeze sighed. They sighed again at the obviously tears bubbling in her eyes.
“Sit,” they breathed, and Logflower did.
Ashfall pressed up close to her on their patrol and laughed at all her jokes and Logflower felt her hopes rise in tandem with the sound.
The way she held that blue gaze made her think maybe Ashfall was catching on. Maybe she'd give her a chance.
(She didn't, not in the moon to come.)
Sedgebreeze always laughed at her jokes too now. They were stern in a way that normally intimidated Logflower, because they were so skilled at everything. It was a marvel to behold really.
Someone like that normally wouldn't hang out with someone like her.
But when they looked at her she felt a different sort of awe then with Ashfall. And Logflower found herself looking back.
“I love you.” She hadn't meant for it to come out this way, frustrated and laced with anger. She was just so tired of Ashfall keeping her at tailslength when she wanted so much more.
She could take whatever Ashfall had to give. She was craving it. But one hunting trip where Ashfall had mentioned about how her younger sister and her mate looked so happy together with that damn wistful look in her eye had driven Logflower over the edge.
Ashfall was watching her with painfully blue eyes. Logflower didn't look away. She couldn't flinch, not now. “I… I love you.” The brown tabby let the words settle between them like dust.
“Logflower, I…” Ashfall hesitated, and that was answer enough. “I don't know…” That made Logflower sigh.
“Don’t tell me that,” she whispered, “You know. You had to have always known.”
Ashfall swallowed and looked away. Then she met Logflower's yellow-green gaze. “I need more time.”
Sedgebreeze invited her out to hunt the next morning. The way the sun lit up their amber eyes made Logflower stop for a moment. Sedgebreeze’s eyes were some different from the cool blue she'd always admired.
They were warmer, friendly, ready to draw her in.
She spent the hunt distracted. She didn't bring back nearly as much prey, but Sedgebreeze didn't fault her. They just laughed and made a quip about helping her with her stance. (Her stance wasn't the problem.)
Logflower waited until the end of the moon. Ashfall wouldn't even look her in the eye.
“Honestly, my family kinda…” Logflower grimaced. She didn't want to ruin the little stargazing venture Sedgebreeze had planned with her sad life’s story. “It's just a sore subject.”
“I'm sorry,” Sedgebreeze scooted closer, their pelt brushing with hers. Logflower shivered. “You don't have to talk about it.”
“No, it's fine, I just…” Logflower sighed, “My brother was a real sickly kit. Too fragile for the world. He spent most of the time he did have in the medicine den.” She missed him, more often than not. Missed the lives they'd promised each other. You'll get out of this, Brownkit. “My mother was killed by rogues before that, I don't even remember her. My father passed away in a flood. My brother was really all I had.”
“I don't know what I would do without Podpelt,” Sedgebreeze murmured. Logflower shifted away.
She looked up at the sky, at the twinkling stars and wanted something impossible. She felt the warmth of the cat next to her and pleaded, but she already knew the answer. “I ruined this, didn't I?”
Sedgebreeze blinked at her and then wrapped a paw around her middle, making Logflower yelp with surprise. “Never,” they whispered against her fur, “I understand. My parents left me when I was just a kit.”
Logflower smiled up at the stars. “Can't imagine why they'd want to do that. You're wonderful.” She hadn't meant to say it's but from the way Sedgebreeze squeezed her tighter, she knew it had been the right thing to say.
It wasn't too long after Sedgebreeze presented her with a garland of flowers, a lovely shade of blue. It was also an obvious courtship gift.
Logflower smiled, “I think my favorite color is amber now.” The way Sedgebreeze flushed only made her grin wider. She knew if she accepted this, she would acknowledge whatever they had between them.
There would be no more waiting.
Logflower almost looked back. The tug in her heart towards Ashfall was familiar as breathing. But she didn't want that, not anymore.
She was done waiting.
She let Sedgebreeze place the garland over her head and nuzzled the cream and brown cat with a purr.
Ashfall opened her mouth when she saw Sedgebreeze curled up in the warriors den next to Logflower, breathing softly with a content look on their face.
“I…” There was a pain in her eyes that hurt to look at.
So, Logflower didn't. Instead she stared at the beautiful cat next to her. “I wasn't going to wait around forever.” As much as it stung, it was true.
Ashfall padded away and Logflower screwed her eyes shut, so her gaze wouldn't linger any longer on what she couldn't have.