Chapter Text
“I am not joining an anonymous dating app!” Severus huffed, his eyebrows furrowed in a mixture of confusion and indignation at Charity’s proposition.
“Oh please, Sev, you need to take yourself less seriously sometimes.” Charity rolled her eyes, settling further into her armchair as if they were having a casual, boring conversation. “You’re nineteen, and you’ve never officially dated anyone. And before you start with the Bruce thing, kissing your best friend in sixth year as an ‘experiment’ does not count!”
Bruce, sitting near the fireplace of Charity’s living room with her cat curled up to his side, whipped his head around to join the conversation. “Hey! I’ll have you know that me and Sev are in a very serious relationship. Isn’t that right, sweetie?”
Severus’ mouth perked upwards slightly, flashing a half-hearted smile at Bruce’s horrible attempt at humour. His face quickly hardened as he brought himself back to Charity’s suggestion. “Have you ever considered that I don’t care for dating anyone? Especially when their identity is anonymous. Seriously, who came up with such an idea for a Wizarding dating app - during a war, may I add - where both parties are unaware of who they’re talking to? For all I know, I could be matching with the Dark Lord himself. Not happening, now let’s move on.”
“Matching with the Dark Lord? Sounds like something you’d enjoy,” Bruce snickered as he pointedly looked at Severus’ exposed wrist. Severus, who suddenly felt murderous tendencies towards everyone in the room, carefully slid his robe sleeve over his Dark Mark.
Somewhere between Severus’ protesting and Bruce’s - once again - awful attempt at humour, Charity had taken ahold of Severus’ phone and gained access.
Severus sprang up from his comfortable position on the sofa, swatting his hands wildly at Charity who refused to give back the device. “Sit back down! This is happening whether you like it or not!” Charity laughed maniacally, watching Severus’ hopeless attempts at getting his phone back.
Giving up and succumbing to her evil schemes, Severus sat back down on the large sofa in the middle of the room, his fingers pinching the top of his nose in annoyance. Charity’s cat, who had uncurled itself from Bruce’s side, jumped on the sofa and plopped itself on Severus’ lap, clearly sensing that he was in dire need of comfort.
“She’s awful, isn’t she?” Severus muttered to the cat, lightly petting its soft fur.
A few minutes later, Charity was shoving Severus’ phone in his face, displaying his newly created profile on the abominable dating app, Wizarding Anonymous , which would definitely become the bane of his existence.
“So, this is your profile,” Charity began, pointing to some icons at the bottom. “I’ve chosen your anonymous name as Shadow, since you’re all dark and gloomy. I know you’re about to protest, stop it, you can’t change the name now! Anyway, if you press this heart icon in the middle, you’ll find a random match. And the chat icon is obviously for chatting with your matched person.”
Severus sighed, prolonging the sound for as long as possible, then took back custody of his phone. He considered deleting the app right away, but thought it best to indulge Charity’s wishes first, mostly in fear of having a leg or arm permanently hexed off. After all, it’s not likely that he’d truly build a connection with somebody over a screen.
Disregarding his thoughts, he resumed his task of alternating between staring at his phone and glaring evilly at Charity. Bruce had joined them too, perching himself on the arm of the sofa, clearly entertained by the prospect of Severus’ downfall due to a stupid app.
“What are you waiting for? Click the heart icon already!” Bruce said, nudging his arm lightly.
With great hesitation, Severus pressed the heart and waited for a match to appear. Knowing his luck, the app would sense his inability to be loved and kick him off with a little text box that says ‘Better luck next time!”
However, with great astonishment, a match popped up almost immediately. Bruce and Charity both lit up beside him, leaning in closer as they urged him to send a message, clearly forgetting the idea of personal space.
- -
You have matched with an Anonymous User! Click here to begin chatting to Red.
Shadow: Hi.
Red: hey!
Shadow: Just so you’re aware, I was forced into this. I’m not really interested in dating.
- -
“Severus! Take that message back right now!” Charity yelled in mock anger. “You’ve ruined it before you even began!”
“I’m doing something called ‘honesty,’ Charity. You should try it some time.” Severus replied, resuming his messaging.
- -
Red: oh, that’s alright, we could still get to know each other if you’d like.
Shadow: Sure.
Red: let’s start with the obvious, what’s your gender and age?
Shadow: Male, 19. What about you?
Red: female, also 19.
Shadow: Cool.
Red: i can sense your awkwardness through the screen haha
Shadow: Excuse me? I’m not awkward. I’m just new at this.
- -
“That was such a lie, and you know it,” Charity laughed. “The first time I met you, I thought you might’ve exploded from social awkwardness.”
“Shut up.”
- -
Red: you’re not convincing me, mr. shadow man.
Shadow: That nickname was also not my choice.
Red: well i think it fits you perfectly, congratulate your friends on their excellent nicknaming skills.
Shadow: I can’t tell if that’s supposed to be a compliment.
Shadow: Also, they said ‘thank you.’
Red: take it as a compliment if you’d like ;)
Red: now, shadow man, tell me something interesting about yourself. without giving away your identity, of course.
Shadow: Uhm, I don’t know. I like playing the piano?
Red: oh cool! do you sing too, or just play?
Shadow: Pass.
Red: i’m taking that as a ‘yes, i also sing, but i’m embarrassed about it’
Shadow: Take it as that if you’d like. ;)
Red: just had deja vu… it’s almost like i’ve heard that same set of words before.
Shadow: Weird. You must’ve imagined it.
Red: are you gaslighting me, shadow man?
Shadow: Don’t call me that. Also, you haven’t returned an interesting fact about yourself yet.
Red: hey, i’m just calling you by your nickname!
Red: you want to hear an interesting fact about me? okay… well, i’m training to become the first female potions professor at my old school, and once the war ends they’ve almost guaranteed me a place!
Shadow: That’s…. really cool, actually. I’ve always loved Potions as a subject.
- -
“Potions professor? Oh, you’re practically soulmates already,” Bruce commented, interrupting Severus’ Red-induced daze. “At least you’ll have somebody else to talk to about Potion ingredients. As much as I love you, I’ve heard about the effects of asphodel one too many times.”
“We aren’t soulmates,” Severus said indignantly, deciding that was the most important piece of information to clarify.
“Whatever you say, Sev!” Charity joined the conversation, smiling to herself cheerfully as if this was the best day of her life. “Now, I’m going to bed, and I’m sure Bruce will be going home soon. Are you staying here again tonight?”
With a slight feeling of shame, he nodded his head, focusing on the cat still strewn across his lap to avoid meeting her eyes. He hated that she knew him so well. He hated that he couldn’t bear going home anymore.
“No problem, the spare room is still laid out for you. Not that you ever sleep anyway, you insomniac!” Charity nudged him playfully. “Also, stop feeling sorry for yourself; I know that look on your face. I really don’t mind letting you stay here.”
With that, Bruce waved goodbye as he Disapparated back home, and Charity yawned before making her way upstairs to bed. Severus remained on the sofa, listening to her footsteps fading out before they disappeared completely, then picked his phone back up.
- -
Red: oh, really? potions has always been a special subject to me. what’s your favourite potion?
Shadow: Well, I suppose it depends whether you mean my favourite potion based on the brewing process, or the effects of the potion itself.
Shadow: Assuming you mean brewing process, I’d have to go for the Draught of Living Death, although I find the textbook method for brewing this potion takes an awfully long time. Using a slightly adjusted method, It takes me around an hour, and I find the process relaxing as it also includes some of my favourite ingredients.
Shadow: My favourite based on effects is a little harder to pick out, as there’s so many options depending on my desires for the day. However, I do find the Draught of Peace helpful. Am I talking too much?
Red: wow, you really know your potions haha. i don’t mind that you’re talking too much, it’s keeping me entertained!
Red: you remind me of someone a little. not in a bad way, take that as a compliment.
Shadow: Oh? May I know who I remind you of?
Red: just a guy i used to be friends with, you won’t know him. i guess i just attract people who enjoy potions?
Shadow: Must do. Won’t you tell me about your favourite potions, too?
Red: of course! one of my favourites to study is the felix felicis potion - i just find it fascinating how success is almost certainly the fate of the person who drinks it, especially when life is so ambiguous and the decisions we make daily don’t have a definite outcome.
Shadow. Deep. I understand, though. Being under Felix Felicis is a nice thought, knowing that everything you do is in your favour. Being sure that the decisions we make are the correct ones, instead of fucking everything up.
Red: ‘fucking everything up’? that sounds much too informal for somebody who texts like he’s a character from a shakespeare play.
Red: anyway, another potion i enjoy is the mopsus potion. i like brewing it as well as feeling the effects of it - have you ever taken it? it’s almost like looking through the eyes of a skilled seer!
Shadow: A Mopsus potion is quite fascinating. I’ve certainly brewed one, but I can’t say I’ve been interested in taking one myself. I’m okay with being unaware of the future.
Red: you’re telling me you have the chance to peek into your future, and you DON’T want to know about it?
Shadow: Well, yes, that’s what I’m saying.
Red: insanity! you should try to live a little. would you like me to explain the term ‘fun’?
Shadow: I’m aware what that means, thank you very much. It’s just not my idea of ‘fun.’
Red: what, are you a pessimist or something? you believe your future is all tragic and doomed so you’d rather live blissfully unaware for as long as possible? yeah, i see right through you. i’ll repeat it again: live a little.
Shadow: I’m not sure where you got that idea from, and I don’t like that you’re trying to read me. I’m not your book.
Red: boring. plus, you didn’t tell me i was wrong, so i know i’m right.
Shadow: Ok.
Red: it’s pretty late, i’m going to sleep now. goodnight, miserable shadow man :)
Shadow: Goodnight, Red.
- -
Severus shut his phone off, placing it on the coffee table in front of him. Charity’s cat - Pearl - had now fallen asleep in his lap, curled up gracefully like the world was crafted from peace and perfection.
He sat stiffly for a while, not wanting to wake the sleeping fluffy monster, and allowed himself time to explore his thoughts. He was infuriated that he didn’t hate the person on the other end of this anonymous dating app. He should’ve deleted it when he had the chance.
Resigning himself to another sleepless night, something he had gotten used to over many years, he wandlessly summoned a book from his pile upstairs. Effortlessly, the book glided into his hands.
As he opened Notes from Underground , he made a point to ignore the Muggle nature of the book, contrasting with the mark on his arm. There was no time for musing over whether his choices were correct; they’d already been made.
Thinking back to his conversation with Red earlier, he decided that yes, being on Felix Felicis forever sounded like a great option. He’d never have to fuck anything up again.