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“Okay, I can understand why I’m having issues here-”
“...Is it ‘cause you never cared to ask her about her hobbies?”
“You- shut it, you… I’m trying my best here!”
“I’m ecstatic!”
“Listen! What’s your excuse?!”
Toriko whistled playfully as if the situation had nothing to do with her. I couldn’t even be mad at her - she looked so ludicrously cute I could feel my head boil.
It was the 10th of November, and we were eight stores deep in our quest to find the most elusive item of them all. A gift for someone I was really regretting not getting to know better.
More precisely, we were looking for a birthday present for Kozakura-san.
My head was spinning. We’ve spent a year and a half trawling the Otherside for artifacts. I’ve personally laid eyes on things that couldn’t possibly exist.
Why was this harder than that?!?!
“Toriko, if I find out you’re messing with me, I’m going to cry. ”
She latched onto my arm and rubbed her head against my shoulder.
“Sorawo, I admit I like teasing you, but you know I wouldn’t go that far.”
I grit my teeth with a desperate expression.
“You know, I’m not so sure about that right now.”
She laughed.
I wasn’t actually mad at her, and we both knew it. The annoying reality of the situation was that neither of us had celebrated a lot of birthdays, and neither of us knew of anything Kozakura wanted that she didn’t already have. There was a lot going on last year and we ended up not celebrating, and both of us wanted to make up for that.
Things weren’t going well.
We had been at it for hours at this point. I knew we were running out of options once we found ourselves in a sporting goods store - I had a feeling Kozakura wasn’t big on sports, but more than that, I was pretty sure if we came to her door with a fresh set of dumbbells or something, one of us would end up needing facial reconstructive surgery. And since Toriko was faster, “one of us” probably meant me .
We checked bookstores, computer stores, cosmetics stores, souvenir shops… at the start, this whole thing felt almost like a date, but by now it felt like torture.
“Maybe we could just get something for Kasumi-chan instead?..” She treated Kasumi like her own child, so in a way, that technically was still a present for her .
“Mhm… think we could convince her it’s for Kasumi and not her before she’d throw us out?”
I groaned, when suddenly, a store caught my attention. I pointed at it, and squeezed Toriko’s hand.
“We could go for the wildcard option. Nobody would expect a present to be hiding in there .”
Toriko’s eyes followed my finger to the sign of a thrift store. It said it had other knick-knacks, too. Her eyes opened wide with excitement. I got lightheaded.
“That’s the one, I can feel it. Is it still open?”
We made our way to the door. It was open until 18:00. I checked my phone.
10/11, 17:29.
We’d have to be quick.
We made our way in. It looked like we were the only customers there. As we exchanged greetings with the clerk, we begrudgingly undocked and began wandering the store. Toriko was ooh -ing and ahh -ing at the shelves, while I went for the simpler option - the shirt rack. I hated being in stores this close to closing time, so I was praying I’d find something, and fast. I heard Toriko’s voice nearby.
“The sign wasn’t kidding, they do have a lot of stuff here… look.”
I turned my head while thumbing through my second shirt rack, and saw Toriko pointing at the ugliest wooden doll I’ve seen in my life.
“You’re gonna get Kozakura-san sent to jail for first-degree murder with something like that.”
Toriko chortled. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”
Oh, I’m really getting good at getting her to laugh. Those were the kinds of vapid thoughts I was having when I saw... it.
Wwwow.
I pulled the t-shirt off the rack. It was white, and was massively oversized, even for me. I could hear the clerk muttering something, but a bomb going off next to me couldn’t have distracted me from the text printed on this thing .
I held the t-shirt flat against my chest, and started turning towards Toriko. There was no way in hell we were buying it, but she had to see this.
“Hey, Toriko, loo-”
I froze.
Toriko looked at the shirt, and choked on air as she buckled over, wheezing.
“There’s- there’s no way , am I reading that right? “ Big Boobs Japan''? Sorawo , she’ll-”
The store clerk was still behind the counter, but her neck was extended roughly ten meters out, and her head had just entered Toriko’s field of view. My right hand was gripping onto the crude t-shirt for dear life, while my left went after my Makarov.
I heard a faint pop , and Toriko’s gorgeous visage now stood against a backdrop of a golden glow signaling imminent nightfall.
We were in the Otherside.
…Holding the worst shirt ever printed.
Well.
I… I guess that saves us the trouble of looking for a present.
For a change of pace, I decided to be nice to my alarm clock. I let it ring while I sat up in my giant bed, and stretched my decrepit, sinewy muscles.
Admittedly, I wasn’t that old, but I was old enough to get the appeal of stupid jokes like that.
I yawned deeply as I stared at my phone. The screen was assaulting me with bright, garish colors, and the off button was replaced with text that said “1 out of 10” , followed by a math problem that would disintegrate a high schooler on sight. I got to work, and two minutes and 10 questions later I was both free from the noise and the ugly alarm screen. Ponpoko stared lovingly at me through my phone’s wallpaper. Resting on his bushy eyebrows were today’s date and time.
11/11, 06:49.
I gave myself a pat on the back for that one. I spent two weeks fixing my sleep schedule, and it was bearing fruit.
Now... if I had to describe myself, I’d say I’m a smart, hard-working adult woman, and, apparently, a single mother. If you were feeling mean, I suppose you could also call me a raging cynic, and if I was feeling charitable, I might not argue too hard against it.
I slid out of my bed, changed out of my pajamas and into my old reliable shirt and spats combo, then trotted my way over to the kitchen, where my birthday breakfast was waiting for me.
Even a cynic like me had days they looked forward to, and this year’s birthday was one of them. I had cleared my schedule, and was ready for my laziest day of the year.
I snatched the bowl of leftover gyūdon out of the microwave with a grin. The fact that I had to awkwardly wait for my cola to heat up didn’t leave so much as a dent in my mood today. While humming an upbeat tune, I made my way to the living room table.
I gave the room a quick look-over, and saw no signs of Kasumi, but there was a newspaper on the table, covered by an envelope and a single birthday card.
Ahh! She checked the mail for me... Kasumi was such a nice kid when she wasn’t breaking the laws of physics. I guess I was doing something right.
I dug into my meal while I looked over the goods.
The birthday card was from someone I didn’t remember, but it was still nice to look at. The envelope contained a simple, endearingly ugly bookmark. It was Migiwa’s contribution to our yearly tradition - I sent him weird socks for his birthday. He’d be calling me at some point with well-wishes.
It was small things like this that made the 11th of November worth waking up early for.
On top of that, I had a visit to look forward to.
We didn’t make plans or anything, but I made sure to drop enough hints about my birthday that even a blockhead like Sorawo could catch on. I wasn’t excited whatsoever.
Heh. Lying to myself could be pretty fun sometimes. Nobody was more surprised than me by how much I was looking forward to having them over.
I flicked the birthday card into the trash can, looked to my right, and almost smacked my forehead against Kasumi’s nose. The fact I didn’t even flinch at this stuff anymore was getting a bit concerning.
“Morning, Kasumi. Want breakfast?”
She shook her head. Her hair was getting a bit long - I wondered if she’d let me cut it. She took a step back, and presented me with a stack of homemade coupons.
Massage tickets … The way she wrote them was a bit creepy, but my heart swelled. I ruffled her hair.
“Thanks. Honestly...”
Then she had to open her mouth.
“You’re not forty , you’re eighteen with twenty-two years of experience.”
Nope. Nuh-uh, not today. My mood is invincible.
“Wrong. Where’d you get that from, anyway?”
She pointed at my computer. I shook my head. I guess it was my own fault for not logging out in-between sessions.
Maybe I’ll get her a separate account with parental controls. She’s getting around that age… probably.
Hm.
Is she?
“Now that I think about it, when’s your birthday, anyway?”
Kasumi beamed.
“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer!”
“Well, we’ll pick a day out for you sometime soon. Kids gotta have birthdays, you know?” I patted her head. She was all smiles, and so was I.
Never thought I’d ever have such an adorable kid. God, I’m lucky.
We lazed around for a while. I had my new bookmark stuck in the novel I was reading, and Kasumi was next to me watching anime on the tablet I got her. I had managed to find the perfect spot on the couch, and was fast approaching peak comfort.
A few hours and a hundred or so pages later, Kasumi got off the couch in a hurry. She turned towards me.
“Where your bathroom at, player? I gotta piss like a Russian racehorse at the Kentucky Derby with a glue truck behind him.”
“I-”
I blinked, and she was gone.
…
...
Mhm, yup.
Yep.
…
It’s… too nice of a day to sweat the small stuff.
I checked the time - I made it a habit to track how long she was gone whenever I noticed her blip out of reality like that. The clock said 10:01. I jotted it down, then exhaled while sinking deeper into the couch.
You have fun, kid, I’ll be here melting until those idiots get here.
Might even order a pizza.
I checked my phone.
43/0Q, z*:9E
Yup. Sounds about right.
We had been dropped into the Otherside right as the sun set.
We had no idea where we were, and the darkness didn’t help. It was a quiet night, but we had a vague feeling something was following us, so we couldn’t stop and rest - I stashed the shirt I, uh, accidentally stole in my backpack, we picked a direction, and started walking. The mood was tense yet light at first, but the longer we went without finding a way out, the more annoyed we got. Toriko had it especially bad. She was mumbling something - it sounded like she was trying to keep track of the time.
Right around daybreak, we found a public bathroom. We were too exhausted to stop and joke about the absurdity of it.
I’d like to pretend we carefully scoped it out, made some elaborate escape plan in case things went south, and then made a conscious decision to rest there after weighing the risks of sleeping in an unknown, potentially dangerous location against the benefits of getting some well deserved shut-eye. What really happened was we took four, maybe five steps inside, saw that there were no monsters inside, then promptly collapsed on each other. Forget checking for danger - we didn’t even check if we were in the female or male section.
Life continued to be cruel. I woke up way sooner than I wanted or expected to.
“Sorawo..! Sorawo..!”
Toriko was lightly slapping my cheek while whispering in my ear.
That second part woke me up good. I got up with a start, almost fell over from the blood rushing to my head, then realized she was probably waking me up for a reason and grabbed for my gun… or tried to - I had no idea where it was. Our stuff had scattered when we blacked out.
Toriko grabbed my arm, and put a finger against her lips. “Shh.” She pointed at the stall closest to us. I could hear a faint rustling sound. Toriko grabbed my Makarov off the floor, pointed it at the stall, and waited.
…
…
…Uhh… should we just… leave?
I was too tired to be scared. I looked at Toriko, who looked equally drained. We perked up as the rustling suddenly stopped, followed by a loud flushing sound.
Toriko held her breath. I wish she had grabbed her own gun - I didn't know what to do with my hands.
I heard a click , and a long squeak as the stall door opened.
There, in the stall, stood a small, black-haired child. I almost screamed.
Toriko panicked a little, too. It looked like it took her tired brain a second to realize what she was looking at, and she got stuck between “ shoot whatever the hell comes out ” mode and the confusion of seeing Kasumi in a place like this.
…Not that she would have hit Kasumi if she did shoot out of reflex. She was aiming way too high for-
My brain caught up.
Kasumi?!?!
“ Uhh… hey there, Kasumi-chan..?!”
Toriko decided to just drop the gun. Probably a good move. She ran at her and locked her in a bear hug. “ Kasumi ?! Wh-what are you… when did y-” Suddenly, her expression turned desperate. She broke the hug, grabbed Kasumi by the shoulders, and locked eyes with her.
“Kasumi-chan! What day is it?!” She shook her a bit as she said that.
Kasumi slowly crossed her arms, and spoke in a tone reminiscent of Kozakura.
“Adults gotta have birthdays, you know.”
Toriko clearly chose to interpret that positively. She almost fell over from the relief washing over her.
“ Okay! Can you get us out of here? We should still be able to make it in time!”
Kasumi shook her off, and started walking out of the bathroom. She motioned for us to follow with her back turned to us, like some sort of action hero.
I looked at Toriko, still half asleep. She looked as lost as I felt, but I guess we both understood what Kasumi was trying to say. We scrambled to pick up our scattered gear, and bolted after her.
Once we stepped outside, two things happened.
First, we saw a wall of bodies advancing at us from the direction we came from.
Second, we heard Kasumi say “That's the one, I can feel it”, then saw her point in the opposite direction. Before I could get her to elaborate, she disappeared.
Come on…
“How long are we supposed to walk?..” I said, exasperated. My legs were jello already.
There was not an ounce of exhaustion left in Toriko's expression. “Until we're at Kozakuras doorstep, and not one step less.”
I groaned, but got to walking all the same.
Maybe we can find a better present on the way…
Yeah, yeah, I see you, you’re scary, now please go away.
We were in the middle of a massive, flat field, and we were being “chased”. The clouds and light fog made them hard to see, but there was a line of almost-human shaped creatures slowly making their way towards us. At first I thought they were monstrously tall, but after about a few hours of this slog , I understood what I was seeing.
Toriko noticed the change in my expression. “Got an idea?”
“No, uh… I think I know what those things are.”
I yawned. Fear was a distant memory, replaced with boredom and irritation.
“They look like Rokurokubi. They’re a kind of yōkai.”
“Yeah? Do they hate birthdays or something?”
She was joking, but I could tell how upset she was. I wasn’t fuming like she was, but if I was going to miss Kozakura’s birthday, I at the very least didn’t want it to be due to something this boring.
“Maybe they missed someone’s birthday, and their friends tried to rip their heads off while they slept or something. That could be us tomorrow, you know.” I glanced back at them as I spoke. They did look like the forgetful type.
We reached an incline. Toriko tapped my shoulder and pointed off to the distance. I saw Kasumi waving at us, then pointing at what I hoped was the direction she wanted us to go in. She was starting to look kind of funny. Toriko kept peeking at the Rokurokubi. Even at the relaxed pace we were going, they wouldn’t be catching up any time soon.
“Ugh. Maybe if we just opened fire we could build a gate out of the bodies.”
“I’m… down if you are, Toriko...” I don’t think I’ve ever walked this much in my life.
“No, on second thought, I don’t wanna do that to Kasumi. She looks like she’s having fun.”
Yeah… she does, doesn’t she? I wondered for a moment if she was having us take the long way rather than just using her power to get us out on purpose , but the thought of getting messed with by a preschooler was too much for my exhausted brain to handle.
It was hard to see past the clouds, but it was slowly getting dark again. I snapped our last energy bar in half and handed Toriko her portion. She was mumbling curses in between bites. It was kinda endearing.
“Sorawo, do you know what time the sun sets around this time of year?”
“In the Otherside? No idea, but it’d be around four, five o-clock in Tokyo.”
In other words, we had around eight-to-nine hours left before we break Kozakura’s heart.
Ugh. At this point, we’re gonna be too bored to reasonably convince Kozakura we’ve been stuck in the Otherside…
As it got even darker, a thought popped into my head.
“Oh!”
Toriko perked up. “See a gate?”
“No, I just remembered something. There’s another kind of Rokurokubi that are just floating heads with no neck…”
She clicked her tongue. “Do these ones hate birthdays too?”
“Yeah, probably… They’re… um, they’re called Nukekubi. They suck people’s blood.”
“...what, like vampires?”
“Ugh, yeah . I got really freaked out reading some vampire stories when I was younger, so anything even close to them kind of bugs me.”
I shuddered a bit.
“I was even scared of mosquitos for a little while.”
“That’s… I don’t know what to say, Sorawo. That might be the cutest thing I’ve heard you say.”
I turned to give her a piece of my mind when I realized we weren’t being followed anymore. I breathed a sigh of relief. We had made it up the hill we were climbing, and there was a massive forest in our way. Kasumi was at the edge of it, pointing wildly. She looked more animated than before.
Ugh. I hope we’re almost there. I’ve never been this tired in my life.
Maybe we should take a break before we move on… I can barely feel my legs.
“Uhh… Sorawo?”
I let loose a deep sigh as I slowly turned to look.
Toriko had her gun out and was pointing at the sky.
...Yeah.
I suddenly regretted berating the slow chase of the Rokurokubi, as well as blabbing on about their other variant.
Night had fallen, and I watched the clouds scatter as a swarm of disembodied heads flew through them.
While we ran for our lives towards the forest, I considered for a moment that, maybe, just maybe, they really did hate birthdays.
Or maybe they were just jealous we have normal necks…
I was glancing at the bottom right corner of my screen, for no particular reason.
13:44.
14:36.
15:54.
I got bored of the book I was reading and slid into my computer chair at some point. I started off by watching some videos from my backlog, but by now I was just melting my brain. Once I saw I was on page 36 of the message board I was scrolling through, I shook myself out of the daze I was in. I bounced off the chair and took a look around.
…Didn’t Kasumi say she was going to the bathroom? Where is she?
I stroked my chin as I paced around.
Okay. Kasumi is Kasumi, I didn’t really expect her to stick around…
…
What about those two?
The excitement of this morning had worn off by now, but the situation wasn’t unsalvageable, and the general mood of the day made me a touch more forgiving than usual.
Okay.
Let’s think about this rationally.
Here’s what I knew:
The last time I heard from them was on the morning of the 10th. Sorawo apparently said something hilarious, so Toriko felt the need to gush at me about it. She didn’t actually say what was so funny, and I was too pissed to ask. I vaguely remember her saying they’d be hanging out that day.
Sorawo was as dense as a brick wall and, at times, had the emotional intelligence of a bucket with a hole in it. Having said that, she had been making a conscious effort to be more empathic lately, and the chance of her forgetting what day it is was infinitely lower than it might’ve been a year ago. And even if she did manage to forget, Toriko would have reminded her.
Toriko could be birdbrained and very impulsive at times, and generally didn’t think things through. However, she was also obsessed with celebrations and events like this, even for things no sane human being would want to celebrate. The very idea of her managing to forget my birthday was downright unthinkable .
…Under normal circumstances.
They always let me know when they’re headed to the Otherside, so I more or less ruled that possibility out.
The other possibility, though… my head was not happy with what my brain just inflicted on it.
I held my hand over my mouth. Ooh.
Ooh, you two…
Under normal circumstances, Toriko would never forget, but Sorawo might. And given the extraordinarily special circumstances those two were a part of now, that specific scenario could lead to a chain of events that might kill me.
Toriko won’t forget, but Sorawo might, and if she does, and distracts Toriko with…
Nope.
I used every brain cell I had to throw that train of thought off its tracks. I wasn’t going to sit there, halfway through my birthday, entertaining the possibility I was going to spend the rest of it alone because those freaks were too busy bumping uglies .
That’s not happening. Not today. At the very least, I’m not going to inflict that on myself .
In fact, screw it. I’m willing to throw some pride away here. Give and take, and all that.
I grabbed my phone a touch more force than I expected, ripped through the lock screen and banged out a quick message addressed to Sorawo.
“Hey. When can I expect you two?”
Aaand send . I pressed the screen so hard I felt as though I could hear the message flying off.
…
While I’m at it, I should order that pizza. All this thinking got me hungry.
The time was 18:43, and it was a few seconds after I couldn’t help but look at the time again. At some point, excitement turned to bewilderment, which in turn became raw, cold fury. Somewhere in the room, a pizza was getting cold. I couldn’t fit more than a slice in me.
I was barely paying attention to my screen anymore, and just sat there, stewing, when my phone rang.
I jumped so hard I could’ve hit the ceiling. I snatched my phone, and slammed it against my ear.
WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!
“Yeah, hey, what’s up?”
“Evening, Kozakura-san. Apologies, am I interrupting something?”
It’s Migiwa! What the hell do with all this rage now?!?!
“Uh, oh, ah, no, not at all.”
…
I heard him awkwardly clear his throat. Of course he’d get the goddamn implication.
“I see. Well. Happy birthday, Kozakura-san, and many happy returns.”
“Thanks, Migiwa. Appreciate it as always.”
“I hope the gift arrived in time?”
“Yup! I’ve already put it to use.”
“Fantastic. Well, I wouldn’t want to use up too much of your time, Kozakura-san…”
“It’s fine, don’t worry about it…”
“...Oh, I almost forgot. Runa-san asked me to wish you a happy birthday from her, as w-”
…
“-kura-san? …Kozakura? Are you still there?”
I think… I caught about half of that last sentence before my ears started ringing.
“Yeah. Let her know I appreciate it. See you, Migiwa.”
“Will do. Have a g-”
I calmly put my phone on my desk. I crossed my legs, and rested my head on my hands.
I see, I see.
Hmm, okay. So you’re telling me that psychopath beat you two to the punch, hm? I get it to hear from her before I get to hear it from you?
I see, I see. Alright, then.
I checked my messages.
Not even read, huh?
I thought back to a few months back, to the time Toriko got sloshed and started gushing about their clinically insane sex life.
Hmm. Lasted 12 hours, you say? Wow, good for you , Toriko.
I chucked my phone at my couch like a softball, and swiveled my chair, facing my computer setup. I’d never typed anything faster in my life.
Aaand, send.
I took a deep breath. My pride was already as good as gone - what’s one more push?
The post sat at the top of my Twitter feed, fresh off the presses.
“ Ms. Yozakura cordially invites you all to an impromptu birthday stream, starting in 15 minutes! (BYOB, minors beware!) ”
I opened the fridge door. I was not looking at the cake with such intensity that it might as well have not existed on this side of the material plane. I grabbed one of the six-packs I bought for my good friends.
Since you two are having fun, I might as well enjoy myself, too.
I cracked open a beer.
The world is about to witness the righteous fury of a lonely adult on her birthday.
“So?! Still think they’re scary, Sorawo?!”
“Nope! Not thinking much at all right now, actually!”
“It’s ok! I’ll think, you look!”
“Will do! I’m great at looking!!”
We were running, shooting, hiding, running again, we were laughing, we were screaming at each other, at the cackling faces through the sky, and at every tree, rock, bush, and puddle in the way. Time had lost all meaning - the sky was dark, but I couldn’t tell if it was our second, or one thousandth night here. Occasionally, either me or Toriko would spot Kasumi trying to get our attention, and we would try our best to adjust our path according to her gesticulation, which was becoming increasingly unhinged. At some point, it had started looking really funny, and I began looking forward to her next appearance as if she was a quirky commercial during a TV binge, rather than a desperate beacon of light guiding our way out of whatever mess we landed ourselves into.
Toriko was looking more and more like a wild beast rather than a human being, and it wasn’t due to some Otherside influence, nor due to the blood, mud, leaves and other assorted detritus that she was now caked in, but rather due to my head simply being unable to process how absurdly cool she looked.
I felt my cheeks burning at that thought and slapped myself. I couldn’t believe where my head was at.
Ahh, I love her!
I love her so much!!!
Another pair of heads had closed the distance on us. Before I looked at them with my eye, their expressions were always blank, but the moment I locked on, I could see them cycling through every emotion they could think of at rapid speed. I should have been scared - and, honestly, I still was - but I was mostly happy. Firstly, because it was distracting as hell, and, given that Toriko was the better shot, it was to our advantage that she didn’t have to see this. Secondly, it felt like I was personally protecting her mind from the Otherside, and I couldn’t help but feel overjoyed.
I watched with manic glee as Toriko’s hail of bullets tore them out of the sky.
For the millionth time, a fleeting silence filled the air. We had been running for so long, my brain had started filtering out our footsteps. My eyes were burning and I could barely see anymore, but Toriko was next to me. I knew that. I didn’t need to see, hear, or smell to know that. She was there. She always was and always will be.
She grabbed me by the backpack and pulled with superhuman strength. Suddenly, it was darker than usual, and as I reached out my hands, my skin made contact with a rough, concrete wall.
We’re in the skeletal building. I hadn’t even seen it. I looked at the vague outline of Toriko next to me, and, to cut some slack for my eyes, my brain filled in the image of her face with perfect clarity. We didn’t need words to communicate what we were thinking.
There’s no way we’re climbing that ladder.
Kozakura’s gate isn’t far.
We’ll bust through the marshland.
It’s gonna be the best birthday ever!
She’s gonna be so happy!!
I love you!!!
I followed Toriko’s lead as we inched along the wall. The Nukekubi hadn’t spotted us yet. We made our way carefully, deliberately, and incredibly, incredibly slowly. Once we’d reach a gap in the wall, we’d dash like demons across, staying as low as possible so as to not give away the heist. Our goal was the gap closest to the marshland, the exit that would give us the straightest path possible to the gate. It must have taken an hour, but I was enjoying Toriko’s profile so much, I caught myself hoping we could sneak around forever.
Thankfully, reality was less than willing to entertain my flight of fancy. We hugged the corner of the final gap, and I took a careful peek outside.
It looked peaceful. No leering heads, no Kunekune, just a gentle stretch of swamp, terminating by the hill, on which stood a speck-sized black-haired child swinging her hands with the wild abandon of a flag caught in a hurricane.
I turned, grabbed Toriko’s head, and we exchanged the most passionate kiss anyone has ever had.
And with that out of the way, we started running.
It was pandemonium.
The peaceful sky I had just seen was now blotted out by a swarm of Nukekubi. They were laughing, crying, screaming curses. They were gnawing at each other for a chance to get at us. Bullets ripped through the thick air, and I couldn’t tell whether I was stepping on grass, mud, water, or faces. I could have sworn I saw Toriko rip a Nukekubi in half with her bare hands. I was kind of jealous, and I wasn’t sure of who . I felt as though I was learning a lot about myself recently.
We practically slammed into the hill, and climbed it so quickly it might as well have been flat.
I blinked, and we were next to a shed.
I blinked again, and I was halfway through the gate. As I fell, time slowed down to a crawl. I saw Toriko dig her heels in, and unleash her divine voice at the heavens.
“...IF WE MISSED HER BIRTHDAY ‘CAUSE OF THIS , I’M COMING BACK FOR YOU, YOU PETTY FFFUCKS! ”
Toriko held onto the gate and jumped in at the same time, closing it as she flew into my embrace.
Next thing I knew, I was delivered like a package by the wall, and Toriko was about to break down Kozakura’s door. She was beaming .
…so much. I love her so much.
I checked my phone.
11/11, 23:49 .
Hahhh…
Not… even… close…
“Ah, welcome, welcome. Uh, apologies for the late stream on such short notice. Glad to have so many of you here.”
I held up a can of beer. “Birthday girl is gonna be doing some light drinking today. Try to keep up - I’m on my second one, so you have some catching up to do.”
The chat was flying. I leaned back, and cracked my knuckles.
“Alright, then! I got some stuff to talk about, but first - I wanna shoot some people.”
11/11, 23:03.
<Got here in time!! Happy birthday Ms. Yozakura!> <Happy birthday!><We love you!> <What did I miss??> <How many beers is that?> <I couldn’t keep up!>
“Good question, lessee here… that’s five… seven? Does that sound right?”
<7?> <It’s 6> <I counted 8>. <Math is for nerds.> <Happy birthday!> <Not enough, that’s how many.>
“Right answer! I’m glad I have such understanding patrons. Lemme find… There, let’s make it nine. Or eight, or whatever. Cheers!”
<Cheers!> <Happy birthday!> <Tapping out, I lose.> <Cheers!!!> <Guys, you’re gonna kill her.>
<Happy birthday!>
“Ahh, you guys are too kind, way too kind. Right, now that I got that out of my system, let’s wind down a bit. Everyone having a good day?”
<Yep> <Fantastic> <Better now, Yoza!!> <Cheers!>
<Happy birthday! Cheers> <Happy birthday Yoza!>
<Happy birthday!!!>
…
<Why the sudden stream, Ms. Yozakura? Did you have a party already?>
“Great question, but that’s gonna land you some jail time. Gimme a sec…”
<Ahh!> <Get down!> <She’s pissed!> <Scatter!> <Goodnight, brave soldier…>
“…there we go, think about what you just did. Uh, ah, that felt better than it probably should. Back on topic. Oh, the day I’ve been having, lemme tell you. Excuse me..”
<Thank you!> <Who hurt our Yoza> <Thanks for the burp, ma’am.>
“Missed the mute button, apologies. Well, uh, you’re welcome. Anyways. Get this. You know those, uh, underclassmen I keep complaining about? Long time viewers may remember the Okinawa incident .”
<What did they do this time??> <Happy birthday!> <Your exes, right?>
“…and another unfortunate soul finds themselves in jail. Fair warning, that’s likely to keep happening. Please direct any and all complaints to future me, cause present me ain’t having it. Uh, back on topic. So… right, so, when you get to be my age, you start noticing some changes in your life…”
<You’re young to us!>
“Thank you, thank you. Mm, so, birthdays kind of lose meaning after a while, you know? Right? I think I plain stopped counting my age when I hit my twenties. And, like… people are busy, you’re busy, as you get older your circle of friends tightens up, and you don’t really… get to know as many new people, you know? Any fellow fossils out there who know what I’m talking about?”
<Yep> <Yes…> <Ouch.> <No. Yes.> <I don’t wanna think about that>
“Yeah! So, birthdays just kinda fall by the wayside sometimes. Not in a sad way, it just kind of happens. Nothing wrong with it. I’ve spent plenty of birthdays alone. Perfectly fine on my own. I have you guys, too, so I can’t complain. You treat me right, at least.”
<Ominous..!> <Happy birthday! We love you!> <Aww>
“But it’s still nice to celebrate , right? Celebrate, you know? It’s only once a year. Who doesn’t like getting pampered a bit? Cut loose, give yourself a break? Who doesn’t like getting gifts- no, no , that’s not me asking for donations, hold on. I’m serious. I’m having a moment here. Hold on, lemme turn off the superchats…”
<Noo!> <My offerings!> <She’s so drunk>
“There. Uhh, I don’t think my ego could take it if I left those on right now. Feel free to complain, but remember, Ms. Yozukura’s prison complex is a ravenous beast. Where were we… right , so get this . All day I’ve been running around all excited. Head in the clouds, I’m not ashamed to admit it. I was like some kind of teenager. Uh, no offense- no, actually , minors should be in bed right now. What are you doing ? Go to bed. I’m calling your parents.”
<Scatter!> <Get down, get down!>
“I, uh, so these underclassmen of mine, right? Day after day , they hound me. Seriously, I could chase them away with a stick and they’d turn right around and sneak back in the moment they’re out of my field of view. If I moved, they’d probably track me down. I bless my lucky stars for every moment of peace I get. Vermin, really. Rats . No manners. No decency.”
<Oh no…> <Ms. Yozakura!!!> <You like them though, I bet>
“Hm…okay, let’s say I’ve warmed up to them. That sounds about appropriate. You’re brave for asking that, you know? Real brave. Hmm. No. No, you’re right. They’re my best friends. Honest. They’re my- hey, don’t- don’t go clipping that. I’ll show no mercy.”
<Called it!!> <Yesss!> <Underclassmen!!!>
“Ahh… that’s gonna be annoying later. Okay, okay, so get this. I’ve been waiting, I’ve been waiting all day like an idiot. Who do you think I’ve been waiting for? Think they showed up? What do you think, guys? Guess.”
<No???> <Oh God, underclassmen, why??> <No way no way> <Did they say anything?>
“ Not a single peep . I even gave them a reminder… crap , sorry, a can just fell down. I even reminded them. Nada . They show up whenever they damn please. They show up when I’m busy. They have my house keys, somehow. They pull and throw me around like I don’t have my own stuff to worry about. You have any idea how much of my time they’ve wasted? Oh, but the one goddamn time I actually want them to bother me, they’re too busy swapping spit to care.”
<???> <What???> <HUH???> <Oh, yuri> <No way!!>
“Oh, I never mentioned it? Yeah, they got together not long ago. Yes , they’re both women, and if I see you getting weird about it, I’m dropping you down a hole with no appeal. So, they got together. I know they have nothing else to do. They were yapping at me just yesterday. So I got excited for nothing. I guess I’ve only known them for a goddamn year and a half. They’re young and in love. Can’t blame them, right? Can’t blame them. Guess they don’t need an old bag like me in their life anymore.”
<Happy birthday!!> <Fuck them!> <Underclassmen, how could you> <Betrayal> <They still have like 15 minutes! Believe!!!>
“Oh, guys, stop. For real. I’m gonna cry . You’re gonna have that on your shoulders for the rest of your lives. It’s-it’s not gonna be pretty.”
<Ms. Yozakura!!> <Nooo!>
“Seriously. You don’t even know… I was seething . You guys saved my day. You-I’m not going to sleep tonight, we’re turning this into an all nighter. Gimme, uh, gimme some game ideas or some- huh? ”
<???>
<Did you hear that??> <Intruders!!!> <Someone call the cops!!> <Underclassmen!!!!>
“…lemme just che- oh, no, nonono. No way. You’re not serious. There’s no way. Oh, there’s no way. ”
<THEY’RE HERE!!!> <UNDERCLASSMENNNN> <HAPPY BIRTHDAY> <THEY CAME THEY CAME>
“Ok. Ok, ok ok, sorry, scratch that. I gotta go. No, of course they’re here to ruin the stream , too. If you hear about a couple getting shredded on the news tomorrow, it’s been nice knowing you. Stream’s over. Good night!”
I didn’t make it to the door before it came crashing down. The perpetrator was staring daggers at me.
Okay.
Okay, that’s it. I’m killing them both.
My head was spinning.
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Where the hell were you?!
Do you have any idea what time it is?!
You’re paying for that door!
I waited. All! Day!
My birthday! My goddamn birthday!!!
I couldn’t pick just one. My chest was full of fire, and my head had a hundred pages worth of things I wanted to scream at her. I wished desperately that I could unhinge my jaw, pull out the book of insults that was cooking in my brain, and just chuck it at the creature that just destroyed my property. I was clenching my fists so hard I was surprised I didn’t break a bone. Just as I finally locked on to the curse I wanted to lead with, Toriko grabbed me by my shoulders.
“ Happy… birthday..! ”
It looked like she was about to scream, but when she spoke, I could barely hear her. It sounded like her vocal chords were ripped to shreds.
Uh… huh? Wait…
From somewhere right outside, I heard another tiny voice. “Happy birthday!..” it said, and I just barely recognized the voice as Sorawo’s.
Hold on. No, hold it. I’m angry. I-
I took my first actual look at Toriko. Head to toe, she was covered in dirt, mud, and blood. She was drenched, and had scratches all over. Her clothes were in tatters. I thought she was squeezing me hard at first, but there was no strength in her grip.
“Wh- you… huh ? Wh-... I- what the hell happened?!?!”
Sorawo’s tiny voice rang through the silence. “Kozaaa…”
“Y… yeah?”
“Vampires… really… really hate birthdays. Did you… know that?..”
…
I nearly blacked out when I saw Kasumi casually stroll through the door and past me.
Toriko’s eyes were burning a hole in me. I cautiously met her gaze again.
“Kozakura.”
“T-Toriko?”
“It’s still t-today, right?
What?
“What?”
“Your birthday.”
“Uhh…”
“ It is! .. I checked, Toriko…”
Toriko looked like she was about to cry from happiness.
That’s… huh? This isn’t fair, right? What? Huh?!
I’m… I’m thrilled, but… what?!?!
Scream at them, you idiot!!! You’re mad, right?!?!
Toriko looked like she suddenly remembered something. I almost fell over when she let go of me, and I was so overloaded I couldn’t pry my mouth open. She damn near ripped Sorawo’s backpack off of her, and dropped it on the floor with a wet thunk . Sorawo slid down across the wall, giggling. She started digging through it frantically, all the while haphazardly chucking most of the waterlogged contents around the entrance to my home.
I couldn’t keep up.
Relief washed over her face, and she pulled out an indistinct, sopping wet, and impressively dirty bundle of fabric. She scrambled back on her feet, and shoved it at my chest with enough force to spray us both with gunk.
“Here! Your, uh, your present! We got you one!”
I held it in my hands for a moment.
Is this..a shirt?
With as much care as one would handle a Renaissance painting with, I held the shirt by its sleeves, and watched it slowly unravel.
It was an oversized, white t-shirt. I took one glance at the big, bold text printed on it, and felt my brain short-circuit.
About an hour later, I was still in a daze.
I had no idea what was happening, what these two had just gone through, or how the hell any of us were still awake, but given that I felt as though I could cry liquid joy right now, I wasn’t in the mood to ask questions.
They washed up, changed into some spare clothes they had lying around my house, and the four of us - Kasumi included - were now sitting around a table, digging through freshly reheated pizza, as well as the three extra pizzas we had delivered while everyone but me took a bath. Beer (and orange juice - I treat my kid right ) was flowing like water, and I was mentally preparing a snarky comment or two to shoot back at them for when the cake came out of the fridge.
I was wearing the stupidest t-shirt anyone had ever laid eyes on, fresh out of the washing machine. It was the best gift I’d ever gotten.
…
Yeah.
Today might’ve not been the best, but… I don’t think I’ve ever been happier.
Yeah, I’ll forgive them.
In fact, I already have. So there.
…
...Where did they find this goddamn shirt?..