Chapter Text
Hoseok was in the middle of deleting the six voicemails Namjoon had left him in the last two hours, since he’d gotten home from work and promptly decided that doing nothing at all with his evening was the best course of action, when Namjoon called again.
Hoseok frowned, pressing the answer button. “Ugh.” It was as good of a greeting as he was capable of at the moment.
“Where the hell have you been? I was about to call the police.” Namjoon sounded worried, as usual. Hoseok wished for the millionth time that he could be reassuring, and not a bother.
“Namjoon, I’ve been off work for two hours. That’s not nearly enough time to plot a complete disappearance from polite society.”
Namjoon snorted. “Your answer suggests a certain lack of creativity.” When Hoseok didn’t reply right away, Namjoon soldiered on. “So, we’re going out tonight.”
Hoseok felt every inch of the chill that sliced through his body. He closed his eyes for a minute, swallowing hard. Swallowing the panic down. Finally, he managed to choke out a few words in a tone of voice that he hoped sounded authoritative, and not as scared as he felt. “We most certainly are not.”
“Too bad. It’s happening, buddy. Jin’s got this friend…”
“Ugh.” Jesus, Hoseok, way to use your words. He cleared his throat, searching for some that actually would hit the mark. “Jin’s always got these friends.”
“Yeah, and they’re always cool as shit and fun.” Namjoon pointed out. Hoseok couldn’t quite deny that, even though he wanted to.
Namjoon clicked his tongue impatiently. “Hoseok, you can’t just sit at home every single night, doing nothing, seeing no one. You can’t.”
Hoseok glanced around his bedroom, confirming that he totally could do that, actually. Burrito-ing yourself in a quilt and staring at the wall all night was way more awesome than people knew. “Yes, I can. Look at me doing it. Having so much fun.”
As Namjoon sighed in annoyance on the other side of the phone, Hoseok laid back on his bed, covering his eyes with one arm to prevent them from rolling out of his skull. This conversation, or some close variation of it, happened at least three times a week, lately. Usually, Namjoon left well enough alone, but tonight he wasn’t having it.
There was a long silence before Namjoon spoke again. Hoseok bit his lip, playing with the hem of his shirt distractedly.
“Look, just...one night, okay? This guy, he’s the new DJ at Bonfire, and you know how much Jin likes hanging out with you. They need people to come so they can gain more momentum.”
“Bonfire? The most popular club in town? Needs more momentum?”
Hoseok could have sworn he heard Namjoon literally banging his head against the wall before he responded. “No, just...you know, they need people to dance. You’re the best dancer I know. Come on, Hobi.”
Hoseok raised one eyebrow in surprise, even though Namjoon couldn’t see it. “Really? I’m telling Jimin. I assume he’ll be there as well.”
“Of course he will. And you’re not telling him shit.”
When the conversation ended a few minutes later, Hoseok defiantly (or at least, he felt defiant) continued laying on his bed for just shy of too long. Almost enough time to avoid having to go at all, he mused to himself. Any other night, it would have worked. Any other night, when Namjoon wasn’t so determined.
After a shower, Hoseok began to dig through his closet, lost in his thoughts. It had been months since he agreed to go out. Agreed to do anything outside the house besides work. Anxiety was a fickle, harsh thing, and it had hit Hoseok like a ton of bricks half a year ago. There wasn’t even a reason for it. That was the worst part. He couldn’t blame it on anything. It just existed. One day it wasn’t there, and the next day it had taken over, controlling him and his life and any semblance of a social life he wanted to have. It just became...insurmountable. Impossible. Any number of words that started with I and had nothing to do with what Hoseok himself actually wanted to do with his time.
He’d been to doctors. Seen therapists. It was all very nice and moderately helpful. But Hoseok still missed himself. He missed dancing and smiling and laughing and his friends. So maybe, he would try tonight. Maybe, it would work.
He pulled on his trusty old leather pants, running his fingers over the fabric fondly. These pants had seen hundreds of dance floors, countless clubs. If he was going to do this, he figured he might as well look the part. He trudged back into the bathroom and sorted through the cabinets until he found something that was probably hair gel. Hoseok contemplated throwing on some eyeliner, but that would definitely have been trying too hard.
Twenty minutes later, he was as satisfied with his appearance as he was going to be. He was always acutely aware of the changes that had occurred outwardly. How could he not be? He looked at himself in the mirror from time to time, no matter how much he wanted to avoid it. When he did, Hoseok could see the results of his loss of appetite, the lack of sleep over months that had dug black circles so deep under his eyes he wasn’t sure they’d ever completely go away. He could see how he was only a small glimmer of the bright light he used to be. Trouble was, he had no idea how to turn that light back on.
*
Hoseok watched the streetlights zoom by from the back of Namjoon’s car. Jimin occupied the passenger seat, and Hoseok didn’t miss the way Jimin’s hand kept drifting toward Namjoon’s and back again uncertainly, as if neither of them were sure what would set Hoseok off. He looked away. He didn’t want to be this person, the one who made things more difficult for everyone else, made it impossible for them to live their lives the way they wanted. It was the biggest part of why he’d chosen to go into full-on hermit mode.
“How are you, Hobi?”
Hoseok’s head snapped up at the soft sound of Jimin’s voice from the front seat. Jimin was turned in his seat, looking at Hoseok with his bright, shining eyes, and Hoseok could see the care and concern in them. It made him feel guilty. He looked away.
“I’m all right, Jiminnie. Don’t worry about me.” Hoseok aimed his fake smile at the window, hoping Jimin wouldn’t notice.
“You’re not all right. But thanks for giving it a shot.” Jimin sounded wry, now, and Hoseok glanced up again. He should have known better than to try and fool Jimin. He did know better. Jimin’s perceptiveness and intuition when it came to his friends was nearly boundless. A half-frown had crept onto Jimin’s face, despite the lightness of his words. Hoseok reached out and looped one arm around Jimin’s neck, pulling him closer until their foreheads met. He hated the thought of Jimin being sad, especially because of him. “I will be.” he said, as firmly as he could.
I will be. I have to be. For them.
When Hoseok pulled away, he took one of Jimin's hands, then one of Namjoon’s, and clasped them together across their seats. Neither of them said anything, but the smiles Hoseok got in return were real, and that was more than enough for now.
*
The ride to the club didn’t take long. Hoseok had never been here before, although this place had been an off and on local legend since before he’d poured himself into his first pair of leather pants and fake-ID’ed his way into his first dance battle. Bonfire had gone into a sort of decline until two years ago, when a hotshot businessman had purchased it and made it new again. Hoseok didn’t really keep up with the news, but he knew the young guy who owned it was a friend of Jin’s little brother. Come to think of it, it had been awhile since he’d seen Taehyung. He made a mental note to ask about him that evening. It would be a good way to appear interested and normal, Hoseok thought to himself with a strange, sad satisfaction.
Ever since that acquisition, Bonfire had slowly become a hub for young, pretty people to go and dance and drink and maybe meet other young, pretty people. In short, it was exactly the kind of place Hoseok had actively been trying to avoid for a very long time.
He silently cursed Namjoon for forcing him out, and himself for letting him. Old Hobi would have just smiled and made the best of it. New, Unimproved Hoseok would have to concentrate on just getting out of the car without falling apart.
After they’d parked, and Jimin sailed out of the car and began flitting around excitedly, adjusting his clothes and Namjoon’s hair and making silly faces through the window at Hoseok, who was motionless in the backseat, the music came thumping all the way across the parking lot from the open door of the club. A war began inside Hoseok, one side tingling with the anticipation, remembering nights that seemed so long ago now, remembering how dancing and going out had made him so happy. The other side sent distress signals to any parts of him trying to feel good, whispered in his ear that he couldn’t handle it.
Hoseok squared his shoulders and silently begged that side of his brain to fuck off.
Jin had gotten them on the list, so they skipped the line and headed inside, Jimin and Namjoon arm in arm and Hoseok following a few steps behind with his head down. As soon as they crossed the threshold into the main room, Jin came bounding over, seemingly out of nowhere, smiling widely.
“Hey guys! Thanks for coming.” he grinned, giving quick one-armed hugs to Jimin and Namjoon. His gaze turned to Hoseok, and his smile turned a little tight. “Hoseok. I’m so glad you’re here.” Jin murmured, his voice softer suddenly, and Hoseok had to lean forward to hear him over the pounding of the music. He took the opportunity to crush Hoseok into a much bigger hug than the other two had gotten, releasing him a bit reluctantly when Hoseok literally had to tap out in order to breathe again.
Jimin was already eyeing the dance floor hungrily, and Namjoon laughed. “Go on, babe. I’ll get you a drink for when you come back.”
Jimin grinned. “‘Kay. You comin’, Hobi?” he asked, voice edged with hopefulness. Hoseok looked around uncertainly, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Uh...not just yet, Jiminnie. Maybe in a little while.” He tried again for a sincere smile, unsure if he succeeded.
Jimin’s own smile faltered a little, but he nodded and left anyway. Jimin was never one to push, always gentle and sweet to those he cared about, and Hoseok appreciated that about him lately.
The three of them who were left sat at a corner table in the VIP section and ordered drinks. Hoseok took in his surroundings. Everything was covered in dark shades of velvet, from the walls to the furniture to the tablecloths. There was a chandelier hanging above them in the center of the room, throwing an instant glow of atmosphere everywhere the dim lights touched. Hoseok felt a bit undeserving and underdressed, but he kicked back a few sips of his drink and tried to ignore that. Between songs, he tapped Jin’s shoulder and gave a low whistle of what he thought sounded close to appreciation. “VIP, huh? How’d you manage this?” he asked, trying to sound light and cheery.
Jin chuckled. “It’s good to be friends with the hottest DJ in town. We’ve known each other for years, since we were in school together. You’ll meet him, I’m sure. Just don’t take it personally if he’s a little...well, you’ll see. You’ll see.” Hoseok furrowed his brow, starting to reply, but he was cut off by a booming voice from the direction of the dance floor.
“Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time! Please join me in welcoming back our new resident DJ, SUGAAAAAAAAA!!!!!”