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Violet pours everyone a cup, well everyone but Daphne who is pregnant and afraid to drink tea in which she can't read the ingredients, Hyacinth who insists she will not drink it and Benedict who is still drinking his way through an iced coffee in Genevieve's Stanley Cup that he claims he hates. Violet knows this is a lie. After all Genevieve was gifted hers, and has never brought one and yet the couple have gained a collection that Benedict is definitely behind.
Everyone agrees with the newly weds that the tea is delicious. It has a flavour unlike anything she's tried. Herbal yes. She can't work out which herbs though. There is also a slightly metallic taste. It shouldn't work but it does. Everyone goes in for more and soon the tea is gone. That is all she can remember...
Benedict doesn't hate family afternoon tea, but considering that they already have a weekly brunch, a weekly dinner, a monthly restaurant night, several game nights and a bi weekly film night it is unessecary. He can see why Genevieve was confused when she first joined the family. Some weeks he sees them every day. He didn't move out just so he still sees them all anyway. So he doesn't plan on staying long, but after a little while he knows something is up.
Elosie and Colin are dancing again. They only dance together when drunk. They've swapped their dirty dancing routine for what seems to be a fusion of every High School Musical dance they have ever seen. Even worse they're singing the songs. It was bad enough he had to watch that film nightly for several months at one point when Colin and Daphne were obsessed with it. Now he had to watch them butcher the "classic" songs that he thought were truly terrible. To this day he is still certain he can write a better Musical. It is strange.
Then he sees Simon and Anthony. "Order." Anthony screeches before dissolving into a fit of giggles. "My wife is better than yours because she has bigger boobs." He laughs again. Anthony laughing is unsettling. Anthony appearing to be comparing his wife's breasts to his sisters makes Benedict want to throw up.
"Nonesense," Simon respons, also laughing. "my wife is better because she has better hair."
Benedict can only blink in horror. It is like watching toddlers argue. The worst part is these are two high up lawyers. Benedict decides he won't use them if ever he needs a lawyer.
Genevieve and Penelope are giggling together. He realises with horror they have found a sharpie and are using it to draw penis' on his mother's one of a kind mahogany table, hysterically laughing as the drawings get bigger and more detailed. To his horror he realises they are labelling them with C and B. Great. Just great.
Gregory and Francesca seem to be in a heated thumb war. No harm there he thinks, other than the fact they're acting like five year olds.
Kate and Michael are both weeping hysterically. "Marley dies." Kate sobs, clinging to Michael like her life depends on it. "Sweet Marley." She adds, Michael also has sobs. Benedict doesn't even have the words for that display. Other than the fact he is almost certain Michael is a cat person.
Cressida and his mother are comparing the smells of the sofa. "This one smells like roses, farts and mouldy biscuits." His mother declares and then cackles like she's a character from Hocus Pocus.
"This cushion smells like Eloise's bottom." Cressida laughs loudly, his mother joining in.
Hyacinth blinks. "Are they high?" She asks.
Daphne frowns. "Surley not. I mean how would Colin and Penelope even have gotten the tea through customs if it was drugged?"
"I believe they are." Benedict states. "And our brother is quite frankly an idiot." Daphne swats him, but it is true. No clever person accidentally brings home drug tea. He is almost certain this is all his brothers fault. Penelope cannot be to blame.
"You can say that again." Hyacinth agrees. "I mean the one time, I refuse tea."
"You never drink tea." Daphne dead pans, before texting someone.
"Daff what are you doing?" Benedict frowns.
"Calling in reinforcements. I'm not under any delusion that the three of us can handle them alone." She says, as Eloise tries to climb a curtain while screeching a song. Benedict runs over to pull her down. Daphne is right. They need help.
---
Agatha Danbury, her brother and Violet's boyfriend Marcus and Will Mondrich arrive not long after. Agatha ushers Violet and Cressida from the room, and tells Marcus to watch them. Sparing him of the worst of the family antics.
Colin and Eloise have moved on from High School Musical to Hamilton, Colin is halfway through rapping the end of the first half. Normally Colin can sing. Even drunk Colin can sing. Whatever is in that that tea has ruined his voice. He sounds like a cat being strangled slowly. Somehow Eloise sounds worse.
"Babe." Genevieve launches herself at him, wrapping her legs round his waist as he staggers back a little and then placing sloppy kisses across his face in the same way she does to her nieces and nephews, gleefully laughing the whole time. Benedict glowers at Daphne and Hyacinth who are both laughing too.
Will steps in as Colin tries to launch himself at Eloise for a lift, catching him easily. Colin laughs as Will puts him down easily, before starting up act two of a completely different musical to the one he was singing with Eloise by his side. Penelope pouts and then bursts into a flood of tears. He hears her tell Agatha that Colin is her husband and she needs him the most. Agatha gives Benedict an amused look and then leads Penelope from the room, scooping Kate and Michael who are still sobbing over Marley's death along as she leaves. Leaving Benedict, Daphne, Hyacinth and Will to deal with Colin, Francesca, Gregory, Anthony and Simon with Genevieve still in Benedict's arms.
It seems easy enough. Then the thumb war between Francesca and Gregory intensifies and suddenly the pair are slapping their hands against each other screaming at the other for cheating. Hyacinth calmly interjects, her phone in hand filming the interaction no doubt for blackmail purposes. She manages to convince them that they have both one, and to everyone's relief the pair of them fall asleep on the carpet with their thumbs still interlocked. Two down Benedict thinks happily, a smile on his face.
Anthony is now giving a speech about how Kate gives him boners. "It's the way she walks, and talks and oh you should see her on horse back. Whenever I take her to the stables we always have sex in the bathroom because she gets me so hard." Benedict almost drops Genevieve. He has been riding with them many times. How did he not know this? He feels sick. He uses that bathroom. Is there any where his siblings haven't defiled?
"If he says anything else I'll be sick." Daphne looks extremely pale.
"I quite agree." Hyacinth affirms. "Anthony," She stands in front of her brother. "you are very tired. You are very very tired. You must sleep."
Anthony gives his sister the middle finger. "I'm not tired." He whines in the same way his own son does at bed time, sticking his bottom lip out and pouting.
"You are very tired." Hyacinth continues, repeating the mantra over and over again until eventually Anthony collapses back on the sofa asleep. "I'm a baby whisperer." Hyacinth gleefully states.
Daphne shrugs. "I think you just annoyed him into it." She states with a grin. Hyacinth returns the comment with giving Daphne the middle finger and sticking her tongue out.
"Benedict and Hyacinth can you manage Colin and Eloise if Will helps me take Simon home?" Daphne asks and Benedict has to admit she looks exhausted. Hyacinth confidently declares they can and so Daphne and Will herd Simon away.
Genevieve is still in his arms playing with his hair, she always does this when she's sleepy so he carriers her over to the spare sofa lays her down, stroking her hair as he does so. It doesn't take long at all for her to fall asleep. That leaves just Colin and Eloise who have now mixed up every musical they know, but remain confidently dancing and singing.
"Sing a lullaby." Hyacinth requests.
"Like hell will that work." Benedict says wincing as they both start singing different lullabies.
An hour and far too many lullabies later Benedict is ready to pull his hair out. They are never going to sleep. Not ever. He wonders if this is how parents feel at bedtime. Maybe he shouldn't have kids. There's no way he could do this every night.
"That's it." Hyacinth screeches as Colin starts up yet another opening number. She easily tackles her brother to the floor and then perches on his back. "Close you eyes." She tells him over and over. Colin keeps singing. Hyacinth is persistent. Benedict leaves Hyacinth to deal with Colin and instead scoops Eloise into his arms, rocking her like he used to do when she was a baby and he wanted her to go to sleep so he could watch the telly. She giggles with glee, just like she did then, but it works. Before he knows it she is asleep and so is Colin. He breathes a sigh of relief.
Hyacinth shoots him a smirk. "Well that was fun, I wonder if theres any of that tea left for us."