Archive of Our Own ^omega

Chapter Text

Astrid stands outside the apartment, her eyes glued to her watch in wait for the agreed-upon time. Her arm hovers inches from the door, ready to knock the instant it ticks over. This has historically proven to be a surefire way to guage… something, probably.

Dee, meanwhile, is standing on the other side of the door, gaze fixed on the analog clock hung in the living room. Eventually, the hands tick over to the meeting time, and it turns its attention to the door. The vibrations of a knock sound enter its ears, and it curtly opens the door towards it.

On the other side of the door is a pink, pale-skinned octoling with pale eyes and a tentatwisted undercut. There’s a scar on her right cheek, in a jagged shape characteristic of explosive force. And yet, her lidded expression seems to contrast this ever so slightly. A sizable handbag dangles from her shoulder, resting against her leather jacket.

Laying eyes on her feels like having a hole inside Dee’s mind excavated. There’s something there, yet it feels as if grasping at the very essence of music.

"Hello," Dee greets as it reaches out its hand.

Astrid thought she'd prepared herself for this. But the sight of the sickly green skin, black scleras, near-limp tentacles, the actual sanitized octoling standing directly in front of her—that same overwhelmingly recognizable one who she's seen so many times in so many different ways, except it's wearing a pink sweater—threatens to tear her composure to shreds. Aching echoes in her head. She catches the vague scent of bleach in the air, and wants to scream.

Meanwhile, on the outside, her eye twitches a bit.

"Hello. May I come in?"

Dee steps out of the doorway and motions the mysterious octoling, presumably this ‘Astrid’, inside. "Of course," it states. It notices the twitch in her eyes but can't quite place what exactly it implies. Agitation, surely, which is reasonable given whatever baggage Astrid might have with Dee. Still, any finer judgments elude it.

Astrid walks past her, step by step, as even as she can manage. She's doing her best to take in the situation so she can get to the point. There’s a couch here. Couches are comfortable, and it is often socially acceptable to sit on them. She can just start there.

She does. "So. Do you want to start, or should I?"

Dee takes its own seat, then grabs some tapioca from a bowl on the coffee table and chews on it for a bit, finding its thoughts in the rhythm of its beak. "Well, I do not... really know you, or remember you. But you know me, clearly. So you should start."

Astrid's trying to reconcile what she's seeing with what she's seen. She isn't sure what to make of… Dee's lack of memory. Or anything else. She's increasingly realizing she isn't sure who she's even talking to.

She awkwardly nods. "That is… reasonable enough. I…" She starts tapping her knee. "I suppose that I do not really know you, either. Or rather, I know a lot of facts, but I'm lacking clarity in what they mean. Perhaps it would be best to reintroduce ourselves."

She puts a hand on her chest. "I am Astrid Serenia. She/her. I do not know what Callie has told you, but the summary is that I am a former Octarian DJ and that I presently spend my time repairing weapons and playing Tableturf."

She suppresses a shudder. "And… I have seen a lot of you. And come to understand you in vague terms. But I do not know quite what you actually are, or how you have changed. So… please, tell me."

Dee sits up just a bit straighter. "My name is Dee Vistalume, and I use it/she pronouns. Nowadays I spend my time DJing, with some sculpting in my free time." Its tentacles cramp up the slightest bit. "I am sorry to say, but... Ahato Mizuta is gone. I am a new person, with new connecting threads. And the old connections have been severed, with new ones soldered in their place. I am not sure if this is what you expected."

Astrid isn't sure whether to feel vindicated or dejected at the declaration regarding Ahato. She still has the notes in mind from what research into Ahato's sanitization she'd been able to stomach. There were some promising things and some terrifying. There is a lot of nuance here. And yet, the bluntness is still harrowing.

It's not the time to talk about any of that, though. She's not researching. She's engaging in conversation, with a… with Dedf1sh.

"It's not… surprising," she decides after a moment. "I believed that to be a possibility. Not that I am exactly relieved to hear it, but I was not exactly close with Ahato, anyway. I admired her work as a DJ, just as I admire yours now. In that way, there is… some sort of throughline."

She rubs her shoulder. "Apologies, I feel like I am struggling to articulate things like this… [Do you still speak Octarian, by any chance?]"

Dee gives a methodical nod to that. "[Yes, that AI seems to have given me knowledge of all sorts of languages... some more useful than others.]" Its tentacles start writhing at the tips. "[As much as I do not want to think about it, it is useful, if nothing else.]"

It lowered its gaze. "[In any case, I appreciate your compliments. Both for me, and for Ahato.]"

Astrid can't help but notice that distinctive twitching in Dee's tentacles. She doesn't know what to make of it. She doesn't want to think about it too hard, much less comment on it.

"[You've been very… influential,]" she answers after a moment. "[In any case, that reminds me. What… exactly is your sentiment towards TARTAR now?]"

[From this point on, please assume Octarian unless stated otherwise.]

"...It is something that happened to me. I have come to learn that thinking of it like that is the most accurate. I cannot bring myself to forgive what it has done to Ahato, but it is also not reasonable to curse the circumstances of one's creation, yes?"

Dee has thought about this sentiment many times, of course, but not too much recently. She'd thought it to be settled, yet this visit by Astrid is unearthing many old and rusty feelings.

"Right…" Astrid's happy to hear that Dee at least seems to understand something horrible was done here. “…I suppose that makes sense. Though personally, I have had no trouble cursing my origin in the domes, barring a sort of perverse nostalgia. Even if it isn’t always…”

Astrid isn’t sure what to feel all of a sudden. The idea of anyone seeing the pit of horrors that telephone created as a homeland sickens her, but calling her own nostalgia for her homeland “perverse” just feels like a lie. Not to mention the strong part of her that is reluctant to dictate how Dee should handle those feelings on principle.

“…I do think about it from time to time, though. I expect anyone would, regardless of where they came from. But I don’t miss it.”

Dee nods. "I suppose that is reasonable. But even then, you would not wish ill upon the circumstances of your birth, yes? I have little memory of my time underground, be it whatever Ahato experienced in the domes or anything at Kamabo, so I cannot say that I miss those, either."

Astrid blinks a few times.

“Oh, so you’re speaking literally.” She suppresses an oddly-timed smile. “Well, I don't think I should get into whether I am happy that I was born at all. That is… not a question with any satisfying answer. I may feel differently if someone had had to die for me to live, but…”

She shrinks a bit. "I think I understand, actually."

There’s a brief pause. No one has any idea what to say.

Eventually, Astrid fills the silence. "In any case, I suppose I do have… information, about your time at Kamabo. If you're interested."

Dee averts her gaze for just a moment. "Ah. I..." They pause for a few moments. "Part of me wishes not to learn it. I am content as I am now, after all. Yet another part yearns for that knowledge. It seeks closure, I suppose."

Another break. "I am ready to hear it, I think."

Astrid is a little shaken but the inesecurity, but is at least happy that she can start doing what she came here to do. She takes a moment to collect her thoughts.

"I am... not sure where to start," she eventually decides. "There's a lot to talk about. A lot to be said. And, of course, I have my own reasons for coming here, which only tangentially involve you. I..."

She sighs. "I'll leave it up to you. What in particular would you like to hear about?"

Dee crosses her fingers on her lap. "The beginning, I suppose. How did you meet me down there in Kamabo?"

"Meet..." Astrid tenses up. "Right, I mentioned that we'd spoken— that may have been misleading. But I've never been there, personally. When we spoke, it was over text. I do not know what the circumstances were on your end, but I was still in the Domes at the time."

"Ah." Dee's eyes focus in on Astrid's. "I see. Then... what did we, or you and Ahato, or you and whoever it was at that point, talk about over text then?"

Astrid quietly grits her beak, hiding the motion behind her lips. "You were trying to convince me to leave. To come to the metro." She looks off to the side. "Though… whenever I look back, I can't help but feel that perhaps some part of you was trying to warn me away. You told me to 'seek the promised land', told me I'd 'join you' if I did, and yet you made no denial that something had happened to you."

She sighs. "If it helps to pinpoint it, I was listening to work music at the time. I think my addled demeanor confused you, or something like that."

Work music... the concept stirs something within Dee, yet whatever it is, it's nebulous and unattainable.

The other parts that Astrid mentioned, however, are more concrete, and as such worked to exhume some parts of Dee's mind. "Truth be told, I'm not sure how much intentionality could be ascribed to the things that... I... or whoever... said. Nothing that I could place, at least." It paused. "Maybe some remnants of Ahato. I couldn't say."

Astrid nearly grimaces. "I… see. Do you mean to say that there was no intentionality behind your actions while you were down there? Or just what you said to me, regarding 'tuning'?"

Dee closes her eyes briefly, then opens them again. "If there was any intent behind those messages, it certainly was not mine. Or at least not anything I can remember. I... am sorry."

It hurts to try and recall anything about those times. Dee feels as if it's digging around through endless piles of waste, yet coming up empty-handed each and every time.

Astrid tries to steady her breathing. "Does that extend to… everything, though? Including…"

She blinks slowly. "I have seen a lot of you, Dee, and I have been ruminating for years trying to make sense of it all. That conversation was just one piece of the puzzle. A piece that made me feel as if we shared some similar repression during that time. You told me you were tuning things for reasons you did not understand, just as I did for reasons I believed I was escaping. It's just… hard to know what to make of that.”

Her face flushes. "Apologies, it would seem I am insisting on wasting everyone's time with aimless reflection yet again. I'll dispense with that. There are more important things to discuss."

Dee pulls at one of its tentacles to straighten it, then keeps her hand on it, feeling the pressure of her claws digging into it. No pain, obviously, but a sensation that helps keep Dee present in the here and now.

Just like her. Maybe a bit… looser. More visceral. Best not to comment on it.

"Once again, I... apologize for not being able to give you more information. The first things I can consciously remember are a metallic slurry of music and white noise back in Kamabo. Trying to find concrete patterns in there would be impossible."

It pauses for a few seconds. "In any case, what more important things did you have to discuss?"

"Yes, let's…" She ponders how to start. "Well, I think there are other things that may have left more of an impression on you. But before we even start, I feel I should… make you aware of something."

She fiddles with her handbag. "I… expect addressing things one at a time will be easier and simpler for all parties involved. But just so you are aware, I have brought with me something of a… release valve. A record of more or less everything that I am here for."

She sighs. "That is to say, even with what was done to you, I can tell that dealing with my presence is making you at least somewhat uncomfortable. So, if at any point you would like to simply cut to the chase and absorb everything as quickly as possible, let me know and I will show you. Does that make sense?"

Dee nods curtly. "I understand. I hope that I will not require it, but... I appreciate the offer. Really."

It readjusts its position on the sofa chair, messing with the leg positioning until everything is working as intended again. "In any case, please... Please continue."

Astrid takes a moment to consider how to proceed. She could, of course, keep up this irritating game of sharking indefinitely around the most potent memory, but she decides it's best to dispense with formality and strike at the heart of the matter. Or, at least, she's starting to get exhausted trying to do anything else.

"Alright." She clears her throat. "So, if you are not capable of finding a concrete pattern in that slurry of noise, perhaps it would be best if I granted you a beacon."

She takes a deep, deep breath before continuing. "Do you still have the octoshades you were found with?"

Dee's mouth curls imperceptibly before she inevitably nods. "Yes. They are... in my room. Let me get them for you, then, yes?"

Without waiting for an answer, it gets up and leaves the living room. On the other side of that first door, in the hallway to it and Callie's room, stands Callie, clearly spooked by Dee coming through. She stands rather close to the living room door, yet Dee can tell that it's far enough that she should not be able to hear anything.

"{Hey,}" says Callie in Inklish before enveloping Dee in a warm hug.

"{Hey,}" Dee says right back. "{I am just here to get my octoshades. Astrid wants to do... something to them.}"

Callie's brow furrows. "{Are you sure that's...}" Then she cuts herself off. "{No, I... things will be alright. You can do this. But if you need anything…}"

Dee plants a kiss on Callie's lips. "{Oh, I am well aware, hearth. Knowing you are here for me has been helping immensely.}"

Callie flushes just the slightest bit at that. "{W-well, I'll... let you be on their way then,}" she says as she motions Dee towards their room.

Dee gives a little wave, then steps into their room, then into their wardrobe, then finally out of the room once more, octoshades in hand. One last, ephemeral kiss is exchanged between the two of them, then Dee closes the door between them and is alone with Astrid once again.

"Here they are," Dee says as she holds up the pair of glasses. "What is your plan with these?"

Astrid takes the shades and looks them over. Sure enough, she finds that scratch exactly where she expected, and she can see their internals have been thoroughly gutted. These are, beyond any doubt, the genuine article.

The genuine article…

Her composure nearly falters. Vivid memories of the last time she saw these in person nearly overwhelm her. From the outside, she fails to suppress a shudder.

"It's not a 'plan', exactly." She hands the shades back to Dee for now. "These are the beacon. So, that in mind, what do you remember about them?"

"I..." Dee pauses for about thirty seconds as it tries to focus on whatever remains of its memories. "Well, they are my shades, are they not? I have seen many other Octarians with these, so that would have to be it. So Ahato must have worn these back in the domes, and there is something about them that makes them unique to her, yes?"

She turns the shades around in her fingers for a few moment. "Such as... some event related to these scratches, yes?" Dee claws at her mindscape, trying to unearth anything that could jump-start the process, yet she comes up blank. "...I apologize. There is still nothing."

Astrid's eye twitches. Then, she takes a deep breath, and nods.

"I understand how you would have come to that conclusion, and how you might find it difficult to understand what I'm getting at. I often find that the most important thing to notice when searching for the truth is not the truth itself, but the lies that hide it. Especially on the surface, it is crucial to find some way of tuning out the noise."

It occurs to Astrid that she has no idea if she's ready to say this next part. It's a track that can never be un-played. She looks over the cliff looming before her, and wonders, terrified, if it is time to start climbing down.

No point trying to fight it.

She rips the shades back from Dee's hands. "So, I will issue a correction. These are not your shades. And before you say it, they did not belong to Ahato, either. Nor do they belong to me. Ahato left the domes before the octoshades were even created in the first place, and my own shades were destroyed recently in an… unrelated incident. No, these shades belonged to another person entirely."

Astrid can't help glaring at Dee. "Now, that in mind. Do you have any thoughts as to who that person might be, or how these shades would have come into your posession?"

"Ah."

Dee takes a moment to consider this.

"I see."

Without much of a conscious effort, Dee rotates the shades in its claws. Someone else's shades. Not its, not Ahato's, not Astrid's either. It tries to cast its mind back, to feel the glass casing of the shades, the tiny scratches and imperfections from the wear and tear, and imagines what it felt like to have first touched them.

"Hmm."

There is something there. A voice that isn't Dee's own. The standard self-defense protocol. But that wasn't all there was, was there? A feeling of... Does it even matter what feeling had welled up within it, within Ahato, within whomever this memory belongs to? Whatever that impulse was, it compelled it to pick up those shades from the floor, shining so vibrantly red on that dull, red surface. Or was it black? Either way, the intricate notches created by the cracks are feeling novel on Dee's fingertips once again.

And then the recollection stops, as suddenly as it had begun.

"Well."

Dee lingers there, for almost another minute, pondering how to best compress this experience into mere words. "There is something there, now. This body speaking in a foreign voice. Being animated by an external force. And... emotions. Feelings. A cavalcade of them, undiscernible. Finally, this body picked up the shades, an internal action birthed from these fresh feelings."

Astrid closes her eyes for a moment, holding in a few tears. A small splash of relief washes over her, and even though it mostly only makes her desperate for more, she relishes it. She's making progress. This might not end up simply being a waste of everyone's time.

Her eyes drift back open. She is finding it a bit easier to suppress the urge to scream upon seeing Dee again.

"I see," she says evenly. "So you remember TARTAR speaking through you, then. And the moment after…" She winces before she's noticed. "The moment I have been more desperate to understand than anything else, when you kept her shades."

Dee holds onto the shades as if they're a battery, quenching a years-long thirst. Her claws run along the ridges, and the minute ups and downs ground her in reality.

"I do not know if I can point to a specific impetus," it admits. "Looking back, digging through the muck of my memories... I would have to say that what has gripped this past me so much was simply the fact that these glasses spurred any amount of emotion. She did not know what it was, yet she knew that leaving this object behind like that would present an insurmountable loss."

Where is all this coming from, now? Dee has not considered any of these words beforehand, yet they rang truer than most other vibrations its mouth could produce.

Astrid isn't sure how to feel, hearing that. She is happy to be gleaning new insight, and yet it is seeming increasingly possible that it is not what she'd wanted to hear. But the overall effect is at least… interesting.

"That… makes sense. I certainly have many things that I have always refused to leave behind, even when I was…" She shakes her head. "Never so oblivious to the reason, though. Not that I can exactly blame you for that…"

She clears her throat. "In any case, your account is still incomplete, and I expect we would both like to complete it. So, let's consider for a moment how exactly those shades might have been there for you to grab, if they belonged to someone else."

How did the shades get there? Why did they cause so many emotions?

A face flashes through Dee's mind, and she grasps at her face in shock. It's not the clearest image, it's blurred in all sorts of places, the colors are more symbolic than anything, yet every time Dee blinks, she sees it.

And more than anything, that face is angry. Despairing. Panicking. Fighting for its life. Feeling the sting of betrayal.

But above all those emotions, it is full of hate. Hate for Dee. Dee has never been the best at telling emotions apart, yet in these memories they come through clear as distilled water.

Slowly, it was manually making the connections that had been cut from its memories. The person was angry. There were shades on the ground. Their shades? Did Ahato/Dee/whoever force them off? But what came before that?

Dee sat up straight in the sofa chair and looked Astrid right in the eyes. "I think I... have some recollection. I see a face. They are angry at me. Just what have I done to them?"

Astrid's hearts each skip a beat at that. For the first time since she's gotten here, her faltering composure escapes the inside of her head, and her face falls into an anxious, open-eyed unease.

She has no idea how to answer that question. Part of her wants to scream, to rake her claws across Dee's face as she lists out every transgression in dramatic fashion. Another part wants to break down on the spot, crying inconsolably.

Eventually, some words make their way out.

"I mentioned earlier that you tried to get me to leave the domes and come to the Metro, yes?" She takes a deep breath. "Well, that was not an isolated incident. And I was not the first."

Dee takes a minute or two to simply process that. It certainly has no appreciation for that place now, and it is difficult to imagine Ahato ever having felt positively about it, either.

But, of course, there was a significant period of time where this body was inhabited by neither Dee nor Ahato. With that in mind, it feels like a folly to even attempt to claw up memories from that time. And yet, Dee gives it a shot anyway, sitting still as she attempts to recall.

But she comes up blank. "I am sorry, but none of that rings familiar in my mind. With how things were, I do not believe any part of me that could have created memories really existed back then, so this line of inquiry seems not very productive."

Astrid grits her beak, much less quietly this time. "And yet, you remember her. Do you have no connection between the two memories? No echo of one within the other? Do you—"

She realizes she's started to raise her voice. The panic is definitely setting in now, and as such she's nearly resorting to… gotcha questions. She promised herself before coming here that she would avoid that. That she would be as calm and helpful as she could be, even though she's talking to a murderer too distant to even—

A... A victim. As far as anyone can tell. Someone who can be helped. Someone who, for the first time in recorded history, may be better off for Astrid's presence in her life.

Even disregarding her other reasons for being here, she owes Dee respect. Even with what she's seen it do.

She blinks a few times. "Nevermind. It was not really so much a question as it was an explanation, anyway. I once agonized over whether those messages were sent by you or by TARTAR, but it has been clear to me ever since I watched this moment for myself that there was likely never a meaningful distinction."

She sighs. "In any case, if you are truly curious, I can answer any questions you have. Regarding her, or otherwise."

Dee keeps flashing back to that face, a perfect model steadily floating in its mind, yet lacking association beyond that. Her fingertips press against the shades, making sure not to use so much force as to further crack them. "What kind of person did these belong to? What was her name? Who was she to me?"

A brief pause, then: "Who was she to you?" Even with how much difficulty Dee has reading people, Astrid has been cleanly commenting the code of her behavior.

Astrid isn't able to suppress her shuddering anymore, and it's apparent that she’s not fooling anyone at this point, anyway. So, she relaxes a bit, rerouting the wasted energy and letting her movements roughen.

"I'll... start with the simplest facts. Her name w..." She shakes her head, then sighs, closing her eyes. "Zara Hitakura. An Octarian DJ like myself. To Ahato, it's hard to say who she was. To you, harder. She certainly saw Ahato as a friend, but she only met each of you once. As for myself..."

Alright. It's time. Deep breaths.

"To me, she was everything. She was my partner in all senses. We DJ’d together, we lived together, we were inseparable."

Astrid's eyes shoot open into an uncertain glare. "At least, until you convinced her to leave."

Dee balls her hands together, letting them tighten around the shades still in its grasp. There's pressure in its muscles now, maybe enough to crack the shades, maybe enough to puncture the membrane of its hands.

Of course she tries to say something, but for once, it feels as if no matter how much she thinks, there's nothing. How would one even start with that? 'Sorry I abducted your partner and got them killed?' In that moment, the separation that Dee long ago managed to draw between itself, Ahato and whatever puppet was down there in the metro feels as if it is crumbling down into itself through the sheer resonance of the facts at hand. Yes, technically it was Ahato that did that, presumably, but would it make any difference to Astrid? And, more to the point, could Dee know that it wouldn't have done the same, in that situation? If its actions were the same as Ahato's, would it even make sense to draw that distinction?

The face flashes in Dee's mind again. It feels so easy to relate to whatever Ahato must've done back then. A chance to escape. A chance for change. How easy it is to think that change can only be for the better, if you already think of yourself as drowning.

Finally, Dee simply says, "Ah," quiet and small and as nonthreatening as possible. It cannot even force out a 'sorry' or anything like that, so fake would it feel on its tongue. And so it stays silent, watching Astrid without pause, puncturing dry wounds into her hands.

Astrid has no idea how to process Dee's reaction. On some level it should be cathartic, finally getting to make this thing squirm at the knowledge Astrid has been bearing alone for so long. But she did not come here for that, and she had no illusions that the feeling would not be complicated. The agency of the situation is utterly unclear, and besides, to indulge in such a simplified excuse would be a shameful act in the first place.

"I don't… I do not say this to…" She cups her face in her hands. "There's no need for you to hurt yourself like that. I am not here to guilt you, much as some part of me would like to. The rest of me is capable of recognizing that your actions are but one piece of a greater picture. Your messages were uncharacteristic of Ahato, so I expect they were not particularly yours, either. Also, they only had the power they did due to Octavio revealing his most incoherently cruel plan of attack yet on the very same day."

She crosses her arms and looks off to the side. "And above all that, there is my own role. If anything is directly responsible for her departure, it is my own reckless, careless, selfish actions that night."

The addition of context... helps, somewhat. Dee's tentacles relax just the slightest bit. "I see," it says in a breathless gasp. Somehow, she briefly felt as if she'd been suffocating, in spite of not needing to breathe.

The false breath also affords clarity on something else. Although Dee does not know the circumstances, it still can’t help but notice the disparity in Astrid’s speech.

"I do not think that blaming yourself will bring anybody clarity, either." Part of Dee wants to follow up by saying that it is all the work of megalomaniacal tyrants, be they octopuses or artificial intelligences, but it does not want to presume such an emotional leap.

Astrid winces, projecting frustration somewhat deliberately now. "Blaming myself is, in fact, an act of supreme clarity. Of course, you do not understand why yet, and it would take a long time to explain, but suffice to say, I failed to stop what happened at literally every possible turn."

She glares back at Dee. "Besides, you of all people shouldn't comfort me. After all, I was there just before Ahato left the domes. I was in a position to help prevent it, if I had only comforted her more effectively. If there is anyone owed comfort here, it is you, from me. And yet, I have spent years terrified and angry at you. Therein lies the contradiction."

Dee feels a bit uncertain how to react to Astrid's sledgehammer of a mood pendulum, so for now, it simply nods.

"For what it is worth, I certainly feel no ill will for what happened to me... to Ahato. Ahato made her own choices, and there was no way of knowing that... all this would come from it."

A brief pause. "And besides, I have accepted what has happened to me as simply a series of events. What you have told me will be lined up along the others, though certainly the time Ahato spent with you seems a lot more pleasant."

The description of this as a 'series of events' simultaneously makes Astrid want to scream at Dee and reminds her of the things she tells herself. Internal mutterings about things that simply are. Things that can't be changed. Eternal misery that must simply be accepted.

Every impulse in Astrid's body begins to flare up, thinking about it. The shouting match between her hearts threatens to tear her to pieces.

Through the haze, she finds herself fixating on a detail in what Dee just said.

"Ahato's… choices…" she starts uneasily before letting out a sigh which fails to soothe her in the slightest. "Ahato made many choices without understanding the possible consequences. The choice to leave, the choice to trust whoever convinced her to do that, the choice to never so much as tell anyone when she did. But there was one choice which she made with full awareness of at least the direct consequences. And that choice, as I am sure you have come to expect by now, haunts me."

She fixes Dee with an anxious stare. "Would you like to know what it was?"

Astrid's once again rising discomfort makes Dee's muscles tense up once more, so much that it almost misses the fact that her question was, indeed, a question, and thus an answer was expected. Truth be told, Dee is still having trouble figuring out Astrid's feelings, her story, her whole… deal, and whatever emotions laid beneath what she dared to share were surely even more incomprehensible to any outsider.

Still. An answer was expected. So, if only to keep the conversation going, Dee answered a simple, "yes."

Astrid makes a face that looks almost like some sort of smile, and almost feels like some kind of appropriate. Then, as she prepares to explain, it fades.

"Ahato's time in the Metro did not seem pleasant, from what I saw. She was not subject to the standard array of horrors, but she was put in the unenviable position of producing music for TARTAR, under the promise that she would be granted access to 'the promised land' should she satisfy its needs."

Astrid's hearts calm a bit as information begins mindlessly pouring out of her. "However, TARTAR was not the kind of thing that could be satisfied, as I am sure you are quite aware, and Ahato had never been especially talented at DJing on a timetable, anyway. Especially not on a timetable so demanding it would've shocked even the most callous of arrangers back in the Domes. And so, for that reason or for whatever other reason TARTAR felt like inventing on a given day, Ahato found herself perpetually falling behind expectations."

Her pulse starts rising again. "TARTAR was desperate to have her DJ talents under its control, and it was unsure if it would be able to preserve them following an unwilling sanitization. And so, it offered her a choice: She could continue to, in its words, 'suffer her eternal failure', or…"

She shrinks. "Well, I'm sure you can put the rest together yourself."

Dee feels entirely lost for words at that, completely unable to fit this block of information into its delicate brain structure. On the one hand, a voluntary arrangement would absolutely explain Dee's own odd existence, which has up to now felt entirely disjoint from any other sanitized individual.

On the other hand, knowing that Ahato did this willingly, did this to herself... Except, well, it also wasn't a choice made in good faith, was it? That AI was threatening her, if not directly then by implication. It might've been voluntary by the most sterile definition, yet Dee now has trouble really seeing it as that. As much as Dee would want this to change its perception of Ahato in one way or the other, it feels as if for all the revelation this offers, so much else is left startlingly unchanged.

And so, Dee simply nods. "I suppose that... does explain things. I... Thank you for the information. It is appreciated."

Astrid mirrors Dee’s nod. "I'm... happy to hear that."

She ruminates nervously, trying to suppress any outward expression of the fact but likely failing. She feels a little lighter having shared that information for the first time in her life, but it's not the satisfaction she'd hoped for. It still explains nothing. It still leaves the same knot.

She supposes she'll just have to vocalize that, too.

"I... hope you're starting to understand my complicated relationship with your legacy," she manages. "On some level, I want to hate you. I did, for a while, before I knew what had actually happened. And I certainly did when I watched you, through your own eyes, explain to the love of my life that you, or Ahato, or— whoever, had done this deliberately. Knowing you would be left as nothing but that monster's puppet. It would be very cathartic to simply continue to hold an abyssal grudge against you the way I might for Octavio or whoever.

"And yet, it's obvious to me that, on some level, none of this was a real choice. I sincerely doubt Ahato considered that you would be used like this. I expect Ahato simply wanted some kind of escape from it all, and I am not sure if I would have chosen differently. And besides all that, at the end of the day, you are only really victims, no different from her. Not to mention that you also happen to be my favorite DJ to ever exist, in just about any form."

Astrid notices she seems to be trembling a lot. She doesn't bother stopping it.

"I… just have no idea what to make of it all. I want to simply ignore it, to move past it, to understand that the clock has reached its destination and leave it at that. I have been trying to do so, in various ways, for years. But it has never worked. I am still bound by it all. What should be a simple series of events serves instead as my hearts' prison, one which seems intent on keeping me interned for eternity."

She looks at Dee. "So, I don't know. Do you have any ideas?"

Dee feels trampled by this onslaught of information. It takes her a moment to even begin putting it all together in her head and formulating a response.

Ultimately, it settles on this: "I think that, for you, it can never be just a series of events. Our experiences are not the same. While sanitization has literally made me what I am, if one is being technical, it is not something I consciously experienced. That is why I am able to see it as just a series of events. But everything that has happened since I've become myself? That is something that has affected my personality immensely, and I would not be able to compartmentalize those events.

"What I am trying to say is, perhaps the issue is in trying to turn something into a series of events that is much more than that. You have lived through these, and short of a mind wipe, these memories will stick with you. So, I would say... talk about them. Like you've done with me, today. Share them with your loved ones. Open up, and slowly break down the prison."

After so much talking, Dee is already feeling the exhaustion creep in. It takes a sip of water to combat that, though it does not help much.

Astrid sits with that for a long moment.

The core of the advice is familiar to her. It's something she has heard a number of times. She finds it lightly amusing that Dee appears to think she has loved ones to share this with. Astrid has long known better than to afflict others with her presence.

Dee's mention of a 'mind wipe' is also lodging itself in Astrid's head, for entirely selfish reasons. It also occurs to her that Dee is probably quite familiar with that sort of thing, and that something like it would've happened to Zara as well.

She… needs to know more. Which is at least some of why she's here, anyway. So eventually, she abruptly speaks up.

"…What is it like, being sanitized?"

The change in topic catches Dee a good bit off-guard, to the point that it needs to derail its current thought process and switch it over entirely.

"Being sanitized... I suppose it kind of just 'is.' There's no emotions, nothing beyond the constant execution of commands. When I try to think back on it, each day feels the same. Each minute feels the same, in fact."

It pauses briefly, then: "Why do you ask?"

"I just…" Astrid shifts her position a little. "It feels… pertinent. For several reasons. My concern with what… whatever remains of her is experiencing. Interest in how you feel now, too. And of course, frustratingly enough, there is a sort of… voyeuristic fixation which blossoms from your mention that a ‘mind-wipe’ would, by some definition, make the pain stop. The most selfish and cowardly of my hearts finding the one way it would be possible to further dishonor her."

She clears her throat. "But most important is… probably the first one. That being one of my main reasons for being here."

Dee nods. "I think I have told you all that there is to say about it. For how all-encompassing it feels while one is afflicted, it really is just nothing but numbness, taken to its extreme."

There are thoughts beginning to swirl in Dee's mind. Thoughts back to when Callie used the hypnoshades on herself to prove a point to Dee, as unwise as it was.

"Are you sure that this line of inquiry is helpful? For you, for your partner, for anybody? To me it appears that, more than anything, it is only hurting you."

At least Dee supposes so. Astrid certainly doesn't look very comfortable right now, but then again it also doesn't really know what a comfortable Astrid looks like.

Astrid tenses, her beak clenching. "Whether I am hurting is immaterial. It will happen anyway, and to the extent that it will ever be possible to move on, doing so requires an understanding of what is and isn't possible."

She looks at Dee. "So, to that point. What is it like for you, now? Are you not still…"

Her hearts each skip a beat, and she takes a moment to catch her breath.

"Are you not still sanitized?"

Dee takes a deep breath. "My situation is... complicated. From a physical angle, I still am, though adopting an actual... well... diet, where I eat things, has restarted some of my body, albeit much more slowly than what is usual.

"Mentally... Well, I am probably not what most people would call 'normal.' But whether it was from my odd type of sanitization or from how Callie rescued me, my mental state is certainly not sanitized any longer."

"I… see…"

Astrid isn't sure how to process that, or what to make of it, or the implications. She's far too terrified to think through it. She needs help.

"That being the case, do you…" Her expression cracks up, tears welling in her eyes. She lets out a weak sob, then takes a deep breath.

"Do you think there's any hope for Zara?"

Dee falls silent. It would love to manufacture some uplifting story, yet she feels it entirely inappropriate.

"If I can speak honestly? It would require something like a miracle. A lot of people have tried for a lot of time to undo the process, and so far it has brought about nothing."

It pauses. "But, of course, things are never guaranteed one way or the other. So in that sense, there is hope for Zara, one might say. But I cannot give you a time scale."

Astrid stills herself, attempting to take this in properly. Maybe, she thinks, if I can hear this right, if I can fucking internalize it, maybe this time it will actually sink in, and I can finally just…

She sighs, tears still dribbling weakly down her cheeks. She doesn't know why she keeps expecting this to change.

"That is more or less what I expected," she eventually starts. "And that is what makes this so torturous, isn't it? The useless hope relentlessly surging inside…"

She wipes some tears away. "I have seen little to no meaningful action on this, and what token secretive attempts I have seen from the government seem almost designed to fail. And the reasons are obvious. Sanitization lends great strength in combat while also rendering respawning impossible. Innumerable numbers of victims have already been splatted and therefore lost completely, and Zara is possibly among them. She certainly ended up killing a few hundred herself. And, even if a victim is recovered, all I have ever managed to figure out about this horrific fucking process is how hard it is to reverse.

"I should be able to understand that there's nothing left and simply try to minimize any further damage I might cause. I should be able to just give up. But I can't. And that hurts more than anything."

More tears are happening. "I don't even know if there's anything left to save. And yet, here I am, asking you questions that I already know to be meaningless. Just like she did, I suppose, not that you even remember how."

Throughout all this, Dee is silent. Astrid is hurting, obviously, even Dee can tell that. Yet the slurry of emotions that is wrapped up in this outburst seems wrapped into such a knot that it feels entirely opaque.

What does Astrid want to hear? What does she need to hear? Can those requirements even be united into one statement? It is starting to make Dee's head pulse.

Dee tries simply saying what she thinks. "It is clear that you are hurting. Immensely so. And I want to help, but I am not sure if this is something I can help with, if that makes sense? I am so deeply entangled in all of these events, that it feels like talking to me might only be dredging up your memories."

Dee pauses for a second, then turns its head to the door. "Perhaps Callie can help? Or anybody that is not me, really."

Astrid takes some deep breaths. It occurs to her that her desires may have become a bit… mixed, between the information gathering, the need for recognition, and the reckless desire inside her for something approaching a relationship with another person.

She sighs. "Apologies. I suppose there are parts of this that I cannot expect any meaningful answer from you on. I'll try to keep that… separate."

She taps her fingers in a simple rhythm. "Ultimately, I was not asking you about Zara in search of what can be done for her, in an abstract sense. What I want is your perspective on it, being the only person who has lived through— Or, I suppose, experienced sanitization while still having a perspective to give. That is why I am here, I think. To hear something only you can tell me."

She looks off to the side. "So, that being said. Based on what you know, what you've been through, what do you think would be best for her now?"

Dee feels a hot pain in its chest as it is forced to reckon with the reality before it, the reality before Astrid. "What is best for her... As far as she is concerned, right now, she would almost certainly not be able to tell the difference. So I suppose the question is, what is best for you? What would help you deal with everything?

“Doing right by her,” Astrid says flatly, feeling like a parody of herself. “Which I have no idea how to do when I don’t even know what became of her.”

It’s obvious to Dee that this is something of a paradox, but it has no idea what it can say. And yet, Astrid clearly needs something, so it speaks anyway.

"I am sorry, but… while I now have that faint recollection of encountering her, everything else is still a blur. I think you know more about her current situation than I could."

Astrid sighs. "I don't know anything about her current situation. I'm not sure if you were aware of this, but TARTAR generally performed a full security reset following each sanitization, in addition to assigning subjects a new number afterwards. Essentially making it impossible for it to even concieve of sanitized subjects as the same entity they were before."

Astrid does her best to keep the ridiculous, distracting tears off her face, mostly failing.

"But you were there. Physically there. Which means you are the only one with any possibility of knowing anything. So if you have even a scrap of information, anything I can use as my own beacon…"

She sighs again. "I don't know. It would be something, I suppose."

"Any scrap of information..." Dee says to themselves, turning the past around in its mind like a Roebix cube.

There's the memory that has been sticking in its mind for a while now, of course. The time when it took that pair of shades. As much as Dee tries, it findd itself unable to pick up on anything from it. It is utterly impersonal, as odd as it feels to think that.

But is there anything else, after that? Somehow, it feels as if there should be. But what? Dee starts thinking, and scouring its mind, and accessing debris which it has long thought beyond repair, desperate for something that will help. And then…

There is something there. A moment which its then-sanitized mind thought to catalog, for whatever reason.

"I saw her again," Dee finally says out loud. "After all that. Ahato and Zara were both... they were both sanitized then. There was nothing in that meeting but some spark of recollection, yet it persisted, somehow. I am trying to give you more information on this, but that bit, that single spark, is all that I can reach out to. I hope that this can calm the tides of your mind."

"You—" Is all Astrid can manage before her body locks up. She's frozen, utterly and completely, her eyes wide and her beak slightly ajar.

She has no idea how to process this. She truly hadn't thought there would be anything else. And had she expected anything, she would've expected more. Or less. Or… she's not sure.

Much as it's starting to feel selfish prying like this, she has to know more.

"How… Much…" she manages weakly through a quivering beak. "Often? Or once. Or. Bad meeting? Painful? How was… Zara. And how many times did this— And… number. Numbers. How do I…"

Suddenly, she grabs a few tapioca pearls and shoves them into her mouth to shut herself up. The chewing motion seems to soothe her a bit, and she decides to wait for Dee's response as she attempts to organize her thoughts.

Dee attempts to dredge their memories for the torrent of questions that Astrid has posed, yet the attempts predictably come up fruitless. "Just once, I think. Unless there was more I cannot remember. As for emotions... I am not sure if there was much involved beyond pure recognition of the other. The sanitized individual that I was recognized the sanitized individual that Zara had become, and vice versa."

Dee begins feeling the pressure of its claws in her palms from the pressure and attempts to distance itself from these attempts to remember. "I do not believe anything beyond that sensation, the idea of 'I know you,' was involved, truth be told. At least from my part."

Astrid takes a deep breath and swallows her tapioca.

Then, she nods. "That would make sense. That would… It is not as if you could have known… Zara's inner world. This is…"

She grabs another pearl and starts chewing it. "I have… thoughts about this. Ideas. I spent a lot of time investigating what is carried over, and what can be, as you would probably expect. Zara's final thoughts, after she lost everything else, centered on hating you. Ahato's final thoughts involved a lot of shame, but more than that, involved a sort of pride that Dedf1sh would still be there after she was gone. She seemed to think of the entities as separate in general. I am not sure if Zara or I played a role in that. I am also not sure of the implications for what you are now."

Dee nods. "I suppose it is possible that the final thoughts planted these sorts of seeds for the future. In any case, I doubt I have much else to share about Zara. I hope that you will be able to find a resolution to everything, no matter its shape."

Astrid closes her eyes. “…I suppose I can try.”

She puts a hand to her face, and notices that she isn't crying. She's not particularly happy or excited, either, though. It’s more like… the edge has been taken off, just a bit. Probably due to a confluence of factors.

She eats another pearl. "By the way. I would have never thought of it, but tapioca pearls are surprisingly excellent for stimming. I can see why you keep them around."

A wriggle of Dee’s tentacles. "Yes, tapioca has a very pleasant texture, does it not?"

"It… does," Astrid says, letting out a breath as she finishes chewing.

Her shoulders slump, and something like resolve seems to fill her.

"I will have to… research this, later. Go through security footage or something…" She rubs the bridge of her nose. "Things which aren't urgent, likely will bear limited fruit, and will take a while. We don't need to discuss it further."

She fixes her gaze near Dee's eyes. "There is more to say about you, anyway. About the past, before 'you'. After all, 'you' haven't even seen my face before. That was just Ahato."

She pulls out her phone. "Do you remember, by any chance?"

Dee's face remains static as she internally strains her brain. It tries, it tries to find anything sensible in the senseless web of white noise.

It fails. It fails again, and again, and again.

Finally, it confesses. "I apologize. There is nothing there, from before that moment. Try as I might, no coherent memories manifest themselves. Feelings, perhaps. Enough to cause an episode when I am reminded, at least it used to be. But nothing I could put a pin in."

Astrid just nods. "To be expected. Would you like to be reminded, then?"

Dee flinches. Something about this idea makes it hesitate. Despite everything that has happened, it appears that whatever shame Ahato felt for her actions still had an influence, somehow.

"I am not sure," Dee states as plainly as it is able. "Would it help you? Would it help me? Or would it just cause more hurt?"

Astrid looks down, pondering the question for a moment.

Eventually, she says, "I don't know. This isn't a painful memory, exactly. In light of what happened, maybe. But it also feels like the sort of thing you deserve to know about. It's certainly the only reason either of us thought to seek you out."

The memory clicks in her head with a quiet shudder. "And on that note, it's probably the sort of thing she would have wanted you to know, too."

Dee considers the situation for a few more moments, then finally gives a well-measured nod in response. "I suppose it is better to know than not to know. And if anything goes awry, Callie is right nearby, too..."

Astrid nods again. "Good point. Let's start with another beacon, then."

She pulls up the custom mp8 player app she coded herself, unconciously grabbing another tapioca pearl to help deal with the usual torrent of insecurities. As she chews, she ruminates on Dee's nature, on the vague yet distorted echoes of what she saw on the day whose memory she now wants to restore. The thoughts don't lead anywhere in particular.

After a moment, she presses play, and #9 party begins to blast from her phone's aging speaker. She watches Dee's expression intently.

As the sound waves ebb through Dee's body, it feels every vibration, though any sense of connection is absent initially.

But then, there is something there, is there not? The tiniest of choices that Dee would have never done quite like that, that even Ahato would not have thought of.

Its gaze wanders towards Astrid. Given that she has this song, her involvement seems to crystallize quite clearly. Someone else, too. That face flashes before its eyes once more.

The song keeps playing, Dee's hearts keep beating out of sync, yet no more memories manifest.

Dee plainly states as such, though a tremble lines her voice. "I did not write this song by myself. You were there, and... and Zara. I know this, yet this is also all that I can grasp from this. I apologize if there is a deeper meaning to this that I am not aware of."

Astrid looks down. "There isn't, really. Not exactly. It's… more of a combination of smaller things, the day we spent collabing with Ahato being chief among them."

She hits pause. "Which… was also the last day anyone saw her. So there's that."

She looks back at Dee. "For the record, though, this is not exactly the song we created that day to drive our Industrial Squee-G project. That song was lost in a power outage. However, it would seem that, for some reason, you recreated it."

She hits play again. "I don't know why, and I expect you wouldn't be able to tell me beyond what I already suspected, that something incidental stirred this memory inside you and you mined it for inspiration. And you don't need to. The more I talk to you, the more it sinks in that there isn't truly much to be said about any of it."

She sighs. "If only she had realized that, too."

Dee's mouth scrunches up as it chews on yet another tapioca pearl. "For what it is worth, even if I still do not grasp all of the details that Ahato once knew... I do still apologize, on her behalf. I truly hope that you will be able to reach an ending for yourself, one that will make you feel content."

Astrid leans back in her chair, seeming no less tense but somehow satisfied.

"I already had my ending, a long time ago. The clock reached its destination, if that is a phrase you have any memory of. I'm just happy I could be here to tell you this, on behalf of those who are no longer…"

She chokes up a moment, her face flushing pink. She’s still holding a lot in, but her guard is more relaxed than it's been this entire time.

And so, she quickly pulls herself together as #11 above starts playing on her phone. "I… don't expect you to have any more to say. Just know that… I don't know, that it was nice collabing with her, and in a way with you. And odd as it is to say, it was nice talking today. You're a lot like her, and somehow that is making me feel nostalgic rather than horrified. Perhaps that is because I like what is new as well."

Dee's tentacles writhe just the slightest bit. "Thank you. I enjoyed talking to you as well. It is always a bit odd, being around people Ahato used to know, but you are nice to be around. Perhaps we can meet again sometime?"

Truthfully, the slightest iota of Dee's brain is now also taken up by thoughts of Zara. Whether it is a sense of responsibility or guilt, or simply wanting Astrid to succeed, Dee nonetheless finds itself hoping that its information wind up useful, somehow, in some sense, to give Astrid some form of closure. Another ending, so to say.

Astrid nearly smiles, until something seems to pull it back from inside her. She shrinks a bit, hitting pause.

"I... should be frank. I understand why you would believe the contrary, but I am not a safe person to associate with. I have a tendency to bring about the demise of those who make the mistake of trusting me, and..."

She looks back up at Dee, and her eyes start pacing back and forth. "It's not to say I wouldn't enjoy speaking again. I just can't escape the feeling that flat agreement would be a reckless and selfish maneuver on my part."

She sighs. "Then again... you are an adult. I've done my due diligence. If you truly believe talking to me is a risk worth taking, I suppose I can accept that. Just as long as you know."

Dee can't help but find some comfort in the irrationality of Astrid's words, at least partially due to how much it thought to relate to them at one point. It is so easy to think of oneself as unworthy of love and relationships. And so, Dee lets her facial muscles fully relax and runs a hand through its tentacles. "Happy to get to know you more, then. Anything else you wanted to talk about today? We could just... smalltalk, or whatever it is that people do, while you are here."

Astrid takes a few deep breaths, then checks her watch.

"Unfortunately—Or fortunately, I suppose, depending—it looks like I have a meeting to get to. My apologies."

She stands up. Before moving, though, she reaches into her bag and produces a neatly-bound packet of what Dee can tell is roughly 200 pages. The cover is blank, with the exception of the words "Shade. Crush. Regret." emblazoned in small Inklish letters near its center.

"Would you mind holding onto this for me? I'd rather not carry it around."

She looks at Dee, then antsily at the ground.

"I'll come back for it later, of course."

Dee turns the book over in its hands, observing it closely. It's unassuming, yet the way in which Astrid's hands were shaking when she handed it over makes it clear that this possesses a significant amount of importance. And so, Dee nods firmly. "I will keep it safe. I promise."

It pauses briefly, then tilts its head to the side. "And see you soon, yes?" Its tentacles are agitated, but not in a bad way.

Astrid walks towards the door. "I suppose I'll have no choice now, will I?" she says in a flat, almost sarcastic tone. "Oh, and feel free to read through it if you want. It's only fair, given you're in it."

Dee considers the situation. It would be a veritable master key of information, and with express permission, it would be foolish not to take it. Still, Dee immediately makes a note to have Callie nearby for that. Just in case.

With that mental decision completed, it finally gets up to properly wish goodbyes to Astrid. "Until we see each other next, then," it says as it holds open the door.

Astrid nods, anxiety surging inside. Her hearts are split on a million abstract incidentals, and the cord which binds them seems to have wrapped itself around her throat.

From the outside, she just stands there a moment before walking to the door.

"Thank you," she eventually mutters. "I'll look forward to it."

And then, she leaves.