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Lena was exhausted. Barely getting 3 hours of sleep every night wasn’t the problem. Being the CEO (and owner) of multiple buildings wasn’t the problem. The amount of stress she was under and the massive pile of unfinished paperwork on her desk wasn’t even the problem. She could handle all those just fine, she always could, and always did. Sure, maybe she needed some help from Sam sometimes, but those times were seldom.
She was independent, she could handle stuff herself. Until she met Kara Danvers. All of a sudden someone cared about her, wanted to be around her, wanted to help her.
Going from being alone to constantly being cared about was jarring for her. She had Sam, she knew that, but Sam wasn’t in National City most of the time, leaving Lena on her own. Until Kara Danvers came along.
That was what Lena couldn’t handle. She couldn’t handle the onslaught of feelings that being with Kara brought. She couldn’t handle the stress of the idea that she might screw up, that she might ruin everything they had built. She certainly couldn’t handle being in love with Kara Danvers.
Lena had herself convinced it was completely normal and platonic for your heartbeat to speed up whenever your best friend pulled you into the kind of hug where you could smell her conditioner (or was it her perfume? It didn’t matter.) It was normal for your entire mood to improve the second she texted you. It was normal to arrive early to every game night just so you could spend more time with her. It was normal for your cheeks to flush everytime she would tell you she loves you (platonically, of course. That much was obvious.)
She wasn’t good at affection. She wasn’t good with relationships or love. She wasn’t good at having friends. Yet Kara stuck around, she taught her how to accept that affection. She pushed her to get closer to people, to be less cautious, to trust. Kara had, somehow, became the most important person to Lena.
But she knew it wouldn’t last. She knew sooner or later she would do something that would tear it all down. She knew that Kara deserved better. She also knew that Kara wouldn’t find better on her own, not with Lena still around. So she pushed her away. As much as it hurt to do, it was the best thing for both of them, no matter how Lena actually felt about it.
Everytime Kara would come around she would tell her she was just “too busy.” She answered texts as minimally as possible. She was curt with her responses and cold. Still, Kara just kept trying. Lena kept the explanation plain and simple for her. She told her that she just didn’t have the time for her anymore, that it would be better if Kara went and found other friends to hang around with in her free time. She almost couldn’t do it, especially not when Kara was looking at her like a lost puppy, her eyes brimming with tears as she practically begged Lena to tell her what she did wrong. She didn’t seem to get she truly didn’t do anything wrong, that it wasn’t her fault. All Lena wanted to do was to run over and hug her, to let her know she was wonderful and perfect and everything anyone could ever want, to let her know she could never do anything wrong, but she didn’t. Instead, she told her she had work to do, that she needed to focus now. Kara left with a pleading look on her face. Lena couldn’t find it in her to keep looking at her, knowing if she did that she would give in. She turned away from her and didn’t look back until she heard the door shut.
She truly did work for the rest of the day, distracting herself from the look on Kara’s face (she didn’t get much work done.) And now she was sitting on the couch, her hand around the neck of a bottle of scotch, again. She could handle the paperwork and stress and angry messages from Alex. She found the only thing she couldn’t handle was the absence of Kara in her life. It felt like a piece of her was missing, the way the Earth must feel when it falls into night. She felt far too incomplete without messages about their next hangout, without game nights with Kara and her friends, without Kara’s crushing embraces, without the smell of lavender and vanilla always lingering on her clothes and in her office.
She didn’t realize she was crying until she felt the cold feeling of tears down her cheeks. She wiped her eyes angrily and tipped the bottle back, relishing the burn in the back of her throat.
Kara would be fine. She would be better off with someone else. Someone whose last name wasn’t Luthor and whose legacy didn’t follow them everywhere. Kara would be better off without her. She tried to ignore the thoughts wondering if she would be better off without Kara. She tried to ignore any thoughts about Kara.
She failed, no matter how much she drank, it always came back to her. She ended up finishing the bottle of scotch and sitting on the couch hugging her knees close to her chest. She tried to hold the tears back, Lillian would always tell her that crying was weak. Emotions were weak. She wondered if Lex was her favorite because he couldn’t feel emotions.
Lillian would surely be infuriated at the sight of Lena curled up into herself, crying on the office couch. Even if Lena and Lillian weren’t truly mother and daughter, the media didn’t know that. Having Lena showing vulnerability made it seem like Lillian was raising a feeble child. It wasn’t just about being vulnerable in public though, it was about being vulnerable in general. Luthors weren’t vulnerable. They were cold, demanding, tough, stoic. Everything Lena wasn’t, no matter how hard she tried. Even despite all the media representations of her being an unsympathetic business woman, she was, at her core, emotional. She had feelings, and far too much of them.
She was so lost in her thoughts about what Lillian would think that she almost missed the sound of the door opening and closing.
“Listen- I know you said you’re too busy and I should find new friends but I don’t want new friends, and I really think we should talk this out, whatever happened.” Kara’s voice rang out in the almost monochrome office. Lena quickly wiped away her tears and tried to make it look like she wasn’t just sobbing her eyes out. ”I also figured you might not want to see me right now, so I brought food as a peace offering.” Lena still hadn’t responded, instead she was watching Kara look for her at her desk. Her mouth couldn’t help but quirk up into a smile as she watched Kara stare confusedly at the empty chair. “Lena?”
“Wrong place.” Kara nearly had a heart attack at the sound of Lena’s voice behind her. She spun around instantly.
“Gosh, I’m so blind.” She laughed, taking a seat at the opposite end of the couch and putting what Lena assumed to be Chinese food on the table. Lena tried not to stare too long, tried not to admire every part of Kara. It seemed that her hair was shining just the right way in this light, that her eyes were even more blue than usual. You’re beautiful. The words lingered on Lena’s mouth, but they didn’t come out. She turned away before she got lost in her completely.
“What do you want, Kara? I made it clear I was busy.” Lena asked. Cold and straight to the point. Kara looked disappointed at Lena’s blatantly obvious lie.
“We both know you’re not busy. You’re sitting on the couch with an empty bottle of scotch on the floor, you don’t look very ‘busy.’”
“I’m taking a break.” Lena lied, again. Kara sighed.
“Do you make it a habit to get drunk on your breaks?” Kara frowned. Lena cringed at the accusation, but she wasn’t wrong. She found she couldn’t look her in the eyes without feeling the need to cry. “At least eat something. I really doubt you have without me checking in on you all day.” She pushed the bag of food over to Lena, who only hesistated for a moment before taking out a box of sweet n’ sour chicken (with sauce, of course.) She reserved the potstickers for Kara, knowing those were her favorite.
They ate in silence for a while, Lena not quite knowing what to say, and Kara wanting to give Lena a moment of quiet before she started talking again. Lena ate slowly, she didn’t have much of an appetite, but she didn’t want to waste the food Kara bought. Kara finished her food far before Lena did, but she still sat there patiently as she waited for Lena to finish.
When she did finish, or more like when she got ¾ of the way through and couldn’t finish, Kara began speaking again. “Lena,” she leaned forward and placed her hand on Lena’s own, a comforting gesture. “What’s going on?” A simple question, but it was said in such a soft and caring tone that Lena’s eyes began to water again.
Lena found she didn’t have the words to respond, and let out a choked sob instead. She pulled her hand away from Kara’s and aggresively wiped her eyes, trying to stop from crying. No matter how hard she tried to wipe away the tears they just kept coming, and eventually she gave up, curling into herself once again. Kara looked at her worriedly, her brows furrowed in concern. She pulled her in close and wrapped her arms around her. She still smelt like lavender and vanilla.
“Kara, don’t.” Lena said, her voice now wet with tears, but despite her protests she didn’t make any efforts to pull herself away. “I’m not- I'm not worth your time. You shouldn’t-” Lena was cut off by Kara hushing her softly, rubbing circles on her back soothingly. The gentle actions made Lena cry even more, wondering how the hell she managed to make Kara care about her. “Don’t- Don’t look at me like this. I’m sorry- I'm gonna- Be fine. You can go.” Lena said, her sentences interrupted by tears and gasps for breaths.
Kara hugged her tighter, letting Lena cry onto her shoulder. “No way. I’m not leaving you, Lena. Cry all you need, I’m right here.” She whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of Lena’s head. Lena couldn’t believe that Kara was actually a real person. No real person was this kind, this caring. But Kara was real, because she was holding Lena.
“'M sorry, for pushing you away. I thought- You deserve better. Someone who wasn’t- a Luthor.” Lena mumbled into Kara’s shoulder. “Someone who wasn’t me. Someone who was easier- To love.”
Kara pulled away from the embrace, but Lena kept her arms wrapped around Kara’s waist, refusing to unbury herself from Kara’s shoulder. “Lena, Lena look at me.” Kara spoke gently, stroking through her hair. When Lena did let go to look at Kara, her eyes were glistening with tears, and Kara could see her lower lip trembling. Kara cupped her face gently, running her thumb along her cheek, wiping away the tears falling down. “Lena, you know I don’t care about your last name. You’re perfect, I don’t think I could find better if I tried. Not to mention you are so, so, SO much fun to be around.” Lena couldn’t help but smile at this, the words sounded so sincere. “I know you’re scared, but I’m not going to leave you, okay? I promise. I love you, Lee.”
“I love you, too.” Lena replied, maybe she didn’t quite know which way she meant, but being with Kara was good enough for now. Even if it was only ever as friends, completely platonic, Lena never wanted to stop hearing Kara telling her she loved her. “Thank you.” She said, resting her head in the crook of her neck. She knew she would smell like lavender and vanilla tomorrow. She found she didn’t mind.