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It had been a while since Mike had let himself think. Well, that wasn’t exactly true, saying he hadn’t let himself think implied that he was successful in suppressing his own thoughts, which he wasn’t the vast majority of the time. One of these thoughts, and the one that plagued him the most aggressively as of late, was one relating to the captain of the track team he had recently joined. He swore that he would make sure whatever new group he connected with would have less drama than his old one, perhaps that drama simply followed him wherever he went. Said captain, James, had been more than kind to him ever since his joining; he had been more than kind to him during the training process, making sure he was well acquainted with his teammates and felt comfortable in the environment; he had been more than kind at the Burgertron… the arcade… the movies… but Mike already had someone. He didn’t regret rejecting James, he couldn’t, surely he couldn’t regret it. Right?
Thoughts of a similar caliber swarmed his mind as the soles of his running shoes pounded against the track court. It was a practice like any other, but he was practicing extra hard in the vein thought that it would snatch the feelings from his mind if he was simply tired enough. However, this inner turmoil wasn’t something you would be able to see on Mike’s complexion. In the past few months, he had gotten rather good at his poker face, when he was in public at least. School and the club were the one part of his life that he needed to be normal, and if he had to hide himself to keep it that way, so be it. Admittedly, ever since he joined the track team that balance had been far easier to achieve. It was nice to have a different group of friends and a place he could go to not be associated with the people he had simultaneously known the longest, and tore him up the most inside. Well, perhaps even that was too broad, the people he played Swordsvale with he didn't mind, even though he knew Sue didn’t particularly care for him outside of that context. But the track team was different, the track team came with no prior strings or past mistakes to wrangle. The way James looked at him was entirely unlike the way he was looked at by anyone else in his life. It was purely positive, and purely in the present tense, seeing Mike only for what he is, and not what he was, or what he would become. The way that James smiled at him was so pure of intention it could put the Sun to shame with the power of its warmth. He was such a powerful ray of sunshine that David was even tolerable when James was around.
He shook his head. Damn it Mike! Stop thinking about him, you had other things to worry about, and you already had Sandy. She was even talking to you now, she was beautiful, that was enough, it should be enough. This was hopeless, there was no way he couldn’t think about James, especially while he was at track practice with James. Mike’s eyes scanned the track, realizing that he was actually a good bit ahead of the rest of the team. Not only was he ahead, he was very ahead, pushing himself far harder than any of the others, far harder than he really had any reason to. He hoped that no one would think too hard about his actions, after all, it wasn’t their problem if he wanted to be mopey today; however whether he liked it or not the boy he had been trying to avoid began to speed up, actively working to catch the korat’s pace.
Mike’s chest tightened, James was the last person he wanted to talk to right now, but he knew how weird it would look to speed up in an active attempt to avoid him. What if James thought that Mike was mad at him? What if he thought that he had done something wrong? It was nothing like that, and Mike desperately wanted not to hurt James, far more than he cared about avoiding him. Eventually, with a heavy breath, he slowed his movement slightly to let the fluffy sand-colored boy catch his pace.
James cocked his head as he ran next to Micheal, softly raising a concerned eyebrow. “Hey dude, are you alright?”
Mike tensed his lips for a moment, unable to fully conceive a convincing lie. His green eyes drifted to the side, away from the boy. “Got a lot on my mind, not really a big deal though I’ll get over it.” Technically, it wasn’t a lie. Hopefully, it wasn’t a lie.
“Mmh… Yeah, I get that.” James nodded slowly, attempting to try to dig into Mike’s brain to see what was bothering him with his eyes. His gaze stayed focused on Mike, even when the korat was looking the other way. “You should probably take a break though. You skipped the first water break and you haven’t slowed down for even a second. I get how you feel but there’s no reason to make yourself pass out about it.”
Mike’s eyebrows raised in surprise, he hadn’t even realized how long he had been running; or even moreso, that there was a period of time where he was the only one running. The minute James made him think about it, the soreness of his legs caught up to him, and in time with the other runner, he began to slow. “You’re probably right…” He paused for a moment, his voice falling to a quieter sound, “... Sorry.”
James smiled that perfect smile, giving Mike a little pat on the back that caused his body to lightly flinch and his face to warm. “Don’t worry about it man. Just take care of yourself okay? The whole team wants to see you well, especially me.” That was without a doubt the worst thing for him to say. Mike felt himself burning up beneath his fur, casting his face downward as he slowed further until the two of them were only walking. The scarfed boy’s brain blended itself within his skull as the two turned off the track toward the bleachers; he couldn’t stop himself from heating up whenever James was around. It was ridiculous really, he had already rejected him, James had already kissed him, and Mike had already turned him away. The feelings that Mike felt only formed after he had already said no, long afterward, when his thoughts were stewing in the dead of night. As far as Mike could tell, even if he wasn’t dating Sandy he had already missed his chance; however clearly, to the rest of his feelings, none of that mattered.
Sometimes in the middle of the night, Mike would think about cloning himself. It was an impossible thought, but he thought about it anyway. He couldn’t stop himself. He would conceptualize all of the things that would be possible to him if he could simply be two people at the same time. The darkness of his room would surround Mike, and as he stared at the ceiling he could see another him staring back at him. He would imagine that mirror Mike and all of the things he could do, all of the things he could be capable of; but when he stretched out his hand he could never quite reach far enough to touch the ceiling.
Mike let himself fall onto the metal benches of the bleachers, his exhaustion having fully caught up to him only once he let it. James sat down next to him, his olive eyes burrowing into the side of the korat's skull as they bounced around his slumped frame. “You were right.” Mike eventually forced out, not being able to stand the silence he had created by not continuing the conversation any longer. “I really was tired.”
James snickered. His face was made to fit a smile, he had probably been born smiling, it just felt right when he did it. “Yeah no duh! You’ve been running non-stop for like, twenty minutes or something!” The runner's sentence trailed off slightly, his smile fading only somewhat as he continued to search the spaces around Mike with his vision, his eyebrow loosely raised. “Did you even bring a water bottle?”
Mike’s eyes widened, only realizing now that he had been so out of it the entire day that he managed to forget the one thing he would otherwise never leave at home. How could he have forgotten something so simple? Was he really that consumed in his own mind that he couldn't even do what he used to think was simple to the point of mindlessness? “Oh… I guess I left it at home. It’s fine I don’t really-”
However, James was already pulling out his own, taken from his bag which sat between two of the shining metal benches of the bleachers. He was already taking a long swig of the tall, plastic, Gatorade-branded water bottle, his eyes widening once he heard Mike speak. He gestured the bottle toward the other boy with a concerned look in his eye, once Mike gently refused with a wave of his hand this look only grew further. “Mike, you need to drink! It’s like eighty-five degrees outside and you’ve been running for twenty minutes. I know you feel down right now but I’m not letting you get heat stroke.”
Mike continued to stare at the bottle, his face burning, not only because he was flustered, but also out of the deep embarrassment that boiled in him for feeling that way at all. Was it even a weird event to drink from another person’s water bottle if you forgot yours at home? Seemingly not, considering the ease with which James offered it to him. Unless of course, James was playing to Mike’s emotions, knowing that Mike couldn’t get him out of his head, and using that to his advantage. The korat swallowed hard, pushing away the thought, James would never do that, he had no reason to; additionally, James just wasn’t that kind of person. That never stopped Mike from subconsciously accusing people before, but with James, the action was impossible, even for him. Mike had to admit, his mouth was dry, extremely dry, the time he spent running had definitely caught up to him, and his exhaustion was clawing at the bottom of his lungs and stomach. James was absolutely right, as Mike had found that he often was, the scarf-wearing boy needed a drink or he was going to pass out, it just so happened that the only drink around was James' water bottle.
Eventually, Mike gave a small sigh, reaching out his hand which was quickly filled with the item as James did the rest of the work for him with a concerned push. “Fine, fine, you’re right.” The melancholy boy grumbled, though as he looked down at the water bottle the heat in his face only increased to a sizzling temperature. Was he seriously going to just put his lips to the same water bottle as James? Was that even allowed? In truth, James wouldn’t have considered it weird, or even batted an eye if Mike did put the bottle to his lips as one often would; however even so Mike raised the bottle upward and tilted his head up in tandem, squeezing the bottle to eject a stream of water into his mouth. He really did need that water, it was delicious, in fact, it felt more delicious than any water he felt he had ever drank in his life. Perhaps it was merely the act of being James’ water that made it so wonderful, perhaps the very presence of James around anything made it inherently better, and made Mike instinctually desire it more; or, perhaps, he was simply really thirsty.
At times, as Mike was staring up at the ceiling on those dark nights, he would watch his mirrored doppelganger rise from his bed. He would break the eye contact they once held and go in directions Mike himself had never gone, could never go. Every time that other Mike would leave his bleary, dream-stricken sight, Mike would wonder what kinds of things he was capable of that the real Mike wasn’t. He would wonder what a Mike that was less tethered, less tied to the past, freer, would be able to accomplish, all of the things he couldn’t. Sometimes he would wish that gravity would invert, so that he could enter that world and run to the places he thought impossible, to a place where he could do anything he wanted without having to hurt anyone. Sometimes he wished he could be a brand new him.
Mike flinched slightly from the light pat on the shoulder James delivered to him, chuckling softly as his running buddy downed the rest of his water bottle. “See? Aren't you glad I didn’t let you die of thirst?”
Mike nodded with a smile he couldn’t contain, handing the bottle back to James. James would never let Mike stay melancholy for long, he always found a way to cheer the other boy up, whether he knew it or not. “I guess I am.” The korat admitted, his eyes drifting away from the subject of his desires, “I swear I’m not always this forgetful, I’ve just been kind of out of it lately.”
James wrapped one arm around his knee, which he pulled up until his heel could rest against the edge of the metal bench. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about that? You know bottling those things up isn't a good idea.” Mike knew better than anyone how terrible all of that was, he had first-hand experience with how emotions boiling over can ruin a relationship. However, the concept of communicating how he actually felt to the fluffy boy made Mike want to dig out all of his insides. Even accepting the fact he felt anything for James at all made his head spin, and how could he possibly tell James that the subject of his strife was him? That he was too nice? That his smile was too bright? That he made Mike too happy? What was James supposed to take from that?
“I uh… I appreciate that, and you’re right.” Mike’s words were slow as he struggled to speak. “I guess I just don’t know how to say it… it’s weird.”
James nodded, his eyes patiently resting on Mike, even when the other boy didn't return his gaze. “I know what you mean, feelings are hard sometimes.” Mike couldn’t imagine James having any problems like the ones he had, Mike couldn’t imagine James having any flaws at all. “Well, if you ever need someone to talk to, once you do figure out how or when you wanna talk about it, I’m here for you, alright?” It was a basic and kind gesture. James let his hand rest on Mike’s shoulder, the subtle warmth of his fingertips seeping into Mike’s body and heating his soul. The scarfed boy couldn’t help but smile back, his hand moving on his own as he rested his hand atop James’.
“Thanks.” He softly croaked, his voice slightly hoarse, “You’re a good friend.” The words deeply pained Mike to say, but he needed to keep up his appearance. James however, seemed as happy to hear it as anything else; as if it didn't matter to James who Mike was to him, as long as he was able to make the other boy smile. That kindness only made Mike hurt more deeply.
His eyes would stay laser focused on the mirrored door, hanging from his ceiling, the physical manifestation of the freedom he desired. As his eyes fluttered shut he became weightless. In his dreams, he could be anything, do anything, be anyone. He could run free through the fields of opportunity, unburdened by his outside life, his obligations floating away from him and into a meaningless ether. When his eyes were closed, he could float from his bed until his hands pressed against the ceiling, he could navigate through the mirrored world until his palms wrapped around the doorknob into everything he truly dreamed of, everything he truly yearned for.
“Hey, James?”
James gave a slight tilt of his perfect head, “What’s up?”
“Do you wanna go to the arcade again this weekend?”