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Sirius stood there annoyed as he looked at the floo port he was supposed to take to get home to Wales and felt like screaming.
He was already exhausted to the bone having left his necklace that held his glamour whenever he was anywhere but the Ministry on the side at home.
He didn't even have his wallet on him as he was only coming to the Ministry for the meeting and then floo'ing back home to Remus and Harry.
He was already so tired just from keeping the glamour he used for the Ministry specifically on and hidden from the extensive spells that were interwoven into the Ministry of Magic's defences.
Only the fact that he had taken the potion that syphoned his magic as opposed to being an active spell meant the glamour was undetectable, but the potion itself fed off his magic meaning he had very little usable magic at the moment.
"Is there another floo port that is working?" Sirius asked the floo attendant.
"I'm sorry Lord Black but the entire Floo Network has somehow contracted a magical virus. People are being spat out in the wrong places. Some are even coming out of muggle fireplaces that aren't even on the Floo Network. We have the Unspeakables looking into it, but for right now the Floo Network is down," she said apologetically.
Sirius sighed. He had no way to get back home to their cottage without being able to apparate and he couldn't apparate without having taken the antidote for the potion he had already drank. The antidote was also at home on the side, waiting for him to get back and take it.
He was just so tired of it all. Of having to take the potion and the antidote. For having to hide what had happened to him whilst saving the wizarding world from Voldemort and the Death Eaters. He was almost desperate to get home but there was only one place he could think of that would give him any kind of sanctuary whilst he hid, even if he despised the place.
"Very well, thank you for your help," he said as he dismissed himself from the queue of others milling around, waiting for information about the Floo Network.
Unlike the others who just left to apparate home, Sirius went further back into the Ministry until he made his way to the owlery.
Once there, he picked one of the larger owls for the trip, whispering "The Potter-Lupins, the edge of Merthyr Mawr," into its ear. Hopefully it would work around the Fidelius Charm and that Moony would actually get the message.
"If you can't see it, hover around and screech for a bit, ok? Remus will come and get you to stop and he will realise you're a post owl. Just give me a moment to write the letter," he said to the owl as he wrote a quick note to his husband.
The Floo Network is down. I forgot my wallet and my locket. I'm exhausted, Moons. I'm going to have to go there and stay the night. Hopefully see you soon, love you.
He thankfully still had enough magic to cover up the words on the letter so only he and Remus could read it but it left him flagging afterwards.
He sent the owl off before sagging where he stood. He shook his head and let out a little whine. It came out much less human than he expected. "Shit," Sirius said before he pushed himself off the wall he had been resting on and made his way out of the Ministry as fast as he possibly could. He had to get to Grimmauld Place and get there quickly, before his magic was syphoned off and he fell unconscious.
It wasn't safe for him to do that where just anyone could see him when his glamour finally faded.
What should have been a 20 minute walk took Sirius nearly 50 minutes and each step was like pulling his body through treacle. His legs getting heavier and heavier as he walked with his mind getting foggier and foggier.
By the time he finally made it to the front door of Grimmauld Place he was ready to drop.
His exhaustion made his hands shake as he reached for the door knob. The simple task of opening the door felt harder than anything else in his entire life.
Every molecule of Sirius's entire being screamed that it wasn't safe here, that this place had never been safe, would never be safe. It was why he had refused to even bring little Harry here after that night in 81. Why he had walked in, preserved Regulus' room, took what he wanted from his own and let the rest of the house rot.
Now, not only was his body heavy and hurting, but now his heart was too.
He finally made it through the door, closing it behind him and feeling the wards go up, keeping him out of view, tucked inside where no one else would see him.
He really wanted to curl up and sleep for the next week, but he needed to do one last thing before he allowed himself to stop, knowing if he did now he would never start again and then he would be trapped here.
He staggered to the houses ward stone (inconveniently placed opposite his mothers portrait in the hall) and made sure to push his love and bond with Remus (technically also Lord Black after their marriage) into the wards so the house would accept him and not just outright attack him when he came for Sirius. And he would. Sirius had no doubt that Remus would come for him shortly.
He slowly allowed himself to slide down the wall until he was only propped up by the corner he had slid into, feeling his eyes fall closed.
The last thing he heard before he finally slipped into unconsciousness was his mother's vile voice spewing poison into his ears. Telling him all the ways he was a bad son, a bad friend, a bad guardian. He felt the blackness envelope him with his mother's cruelty destroying what little self respect he had left as he slipped into nightmares he couldn't escape from.
~~~~<>~~~~
Sirius awoke choking on something as it was poured down his throat. His fight instincts didn't stop until he felt a gentle hand stroking his velvety ears.
Ears, velvety ears? His ears weren't velvety at the moment, they were hidden, were the thoughts racing through his mind.
Through the darkness, a voice called to him. The only voice he ever wanted to hear for all time.
"That's right, it's ok love. I'm here. Your safe," was repeated in various forms over and over again before Sirius was finally able to crack his eyes open and let out a mournful whine before closing them again.
"Hey, hey. It's ok baby. It's ok. You're alright. I've got you," Sirius heard the voice say. as they placed a hand on Sirius's cheek.
Sirius nuzzled into it, letting out another whine at the pain that raced through his body when he moved slightly.
"Moons..." he called out, eyes still closed, wanting nothing more than his husband beside him. He knew someone was there, he knew they had kind hands, kind hands and a kind voice that he recognised but couldn't quite place, but Sirius's emotions were all over the place, his curse making everything harder for him to distinguish good from bad.
All he could hear was his mother's voice screaming bad boy. James telling him that he had failed, that he is the reason James and Lily were dead. He saw Harry's sweet little face scrunched up, tears falling down his face as he screamed for his mummy and daddy. His heart broke when he hears Regulus asking why Sirius had left him, why he didn't get him out.
Sirius should have died instead of them all. He should have died for them all. He should have taken all of their places. The world would have been a better place if that was what had happened.
He was just a cursed, weird hybrid thing. No longer the clever, handsome, sophisticated man he had been before Bella had tried to turn him into an animal for her to torture him easier. Her curse hadn't taken into account the fact that he was an animagus and now he was cursed into this in-between the two sort of life.
A life that gave him his animagus form's ears and tail that he couldn't get rid of, as well as emotions that shifted from the sharp, clever Lord Black he had always been to the oversized puppy he often behaved like now.
A curse that meant he had to take a potion to function the way he should be able to in more formal situations. A curse that meant he had to wear a glamoured necklace every time he so much as stepped outside of his door, that meant he couldn't be the Godfather to Harry that he was supposed to be. The curse meant that he was more reliant on Remus then he had ever wished to be. It meant he let Moony down again, and again, and again and forced more on him then he deserved to be stuck with.
11 year old Sirius hadn't realised it then, but him forcing his friendship upon Remus at Hogwarts was the worst decision he had ever made. He had obviously ruined the other man's life and his husband was just too kind to tell him the truth of it.
"You bloody idiot," he heard his beloved's voice call to him as it cut through all of the other voices.
Remus' voice was kind, soft and full of love, something Sirius didn't deserve. Would never deserve.
He must have said that out loud because the next thing he heard was "you deserve the world Sirius. You are my world. Open those pretty eyes for me, Cariad. I'm here. I came for you love. I will always come for you baby."
Sirius hadn't realised he was sobbing until he felt Remus' scarred hand wipe the tears off his cheeks. "Please baby, I'm here." Remus said, starting to sound more desperate.
Sirius didn't want to believe it, believe that Remus had come for him, because if he opened his eyes and it wasn't real he would shatter into a million pieces. Instead he wanted to curl up and sob, wrap his tail around himself and hide under the couch, away from the world, but if he did that then Remus would get mad at him. He didn't want to make Remus mad. He loved Remus more than anyone apart from Harry.
"I wont be mad baby. I'm not mad. Open your eyes and we can make a den in the bedroom when we get home ok? We can hide away for a while. Just me and you. You overdid it love, that's al,l" Remus' gentle voice said.
Remus was being oh so kind and caring and he deserved whatever he asked for considering he barely ever asked for anything. So with great effort Sirius finally cracked his eyes open and saw Remus looking at him gently, his eyes filled with so much love and worry that it took Sirius's breath away. "Rem..." he whined out before forcing his overtired body to lurch forward and wrap his arms around Remus' neck as he sobbed on him.
"Oh love. Let it out. I know. You feel everything so deeply don't you, especially now. I'm here," Remus said as he gently rocked them backwards and forwards, hands gently stroking Sirius's back as he tried to soothe him.
"I'm .. I don't deserve your comfort. I make you do too much," Sirius managed to stutter out between his cries.
He felt Remus sigh as he held him.
Remus pulled back and gently cupped Sirius's face in his hands, pulling back, ignoring Sirius's whines and scrambling as he tried to get back into Remus' arms.
"Sirius, listen," Remus said sternly, causing Sirius to stop scrambling for his husband's hold. "Look at me," Remus ordered.
Sirius slowly raised his eyes, waiting for the condemnation in Remus' face. Condemnation that never came.
"I know you're overwhelmed and embarrassed, but it's ok. It will all be ok Sirius, you just need to calm down. I'm not going anywhere and when I do, I can apparate us home," he said softly.
"You should," Remus heard Sirius scoff quietly.
"I should? Did you hit your head? I'm never leaving you," Remus said just as quietly.
"Yes, you should. I'm a burden. I'm a weird, cursed freak who can't even handle my own emotions. I'm a half dog freak Moons," Sirius said, his voice full of self loathing.
Remus wished Sirius saw him the way he did. The way he was full of love and joy. Overly affectionate, loyal to the core, clever, talented and the best man Remus had ever met. And he was so very, very brave. After all the shit he had gone through, that he had dealt with he was still here, with Remus, with Harry. Taking potions that made him feel like death warmed up so he could fight for the rights of Remus and people like him. Sirius fought tooth and nail at the Wizenmergot for reforms, weeding out Death Eaters and Voldemort supporters. He was helping to shape Harry into a kind, wonderful boy and it broke Remus' heart that he hated everything about himself now because Bella was a bitch.
"So am I Sirius. I turn into a wolf and cant do shit for at least a day or two before and after. I know turning into your animagus form hurts you now too. I know it takes so much out of you and yet you do it every month, no questions asked. I know you care for me before and after even when your so exhausted you can barely stand. You look after me Sirius, just as much as I look after you, because we're a team," Remus said as he pulled Sirius close again and kissed the top of his head.
"It doesn't feel like we're a team. It feels like you carry this relationship," Siirus grumbled sourly.
"That's because you don't recognise how amazing you are. I do Sirius. You have always been amazing and I love you," Remus said soothingly.
"You shouldn't," he grumbled back petulantly.
"What are you going to do Sirius? Make me stop? You can't, you will never be able to. I will love you to my last breath and even after that. It's ok if you can't love yourself at the moment Sirius. I know you love me and Harry with everything you are. And until you can learn to love and even like who you are now, I will love you enough for the both of us," Remus said as he gently stood.
"Come on, let's go home," Remus said gently as he accio'd his cane from where he dropped it and then held his other hand out for Sirius.
What could Sirius do but take Remus' hand. The one he held out for him without a second thought.
Sirius knew nothing was fixed, he didn't really feel better, but the thought of snuggling down in a dark den, just him and Remus, had him calming down.
Once they were outside Grimmauld Place, Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius and held him tight. "Remember Sirius, I love you just the way you are, tail and all. Your beautiful love," he said before Sirius felt that tug of apparition in his belly.
Sirius knew they were going home, back to their cottage where insults were not allowed. Where he was safe. as it was just the three of them when Harry was brought home.
Though, that wasn't what made the cottage home and safe. No, it was the man before him that made it home. The man who cared for him and loved him no matter the changes the war and grief had left on him. Both emotionally and physically.
"I love you, you're my home," Sirius said as he held Remus tightly before they apparated to their safe haven together.