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Among the concerns stressing her when she set foot on Khofar, leaving that planet involuntarily because of a coldhearted murderer wasn’t exactly present. Can she really be blamed for not anticipating it? Even if space had existed between the apprehension begotten by troubling thoughts surrounding Sol’s expectations and the entangled mess of emotions created by the quandary of her sister’s fate, it would have been impossible for scenarios involving that masked enigma to unfold.
The fact of the matter is that she simply didn’t know.
She didn’t know that she would be so acutely aware of Jecki falling in battle. No, it feels disingenuous to think of her demise like that. She was forcefully torn from her physical body, resulting in her becoming one with the Force prematurely. Far too soon, someone with whom she had begun to get close had been sent to a plane of existence where she cannot follow. The fledgling feelings that she’d started to develop for the intrepid Padawan have already begun to shatter. A painful process. But, is the death of hope meant to be anything other than hurtful?
The tragic loss of Jecki and all of the possibilities for their future, whether as friends or more, would prove a difficult pill to swallow on its own. But, what makes her heart even heavier is another loss. One that is even more demoralizing.
She didn’t know that someone she considers, or rather considered, longtime friend would also be stolen away. Adapting to past tense so soon is a challenge, but one from which she cannot shy away. She must continue to move forward, just as time itself marches on. Insufferable as he definitely was at times, he was her insufferable friend. Maybe it’s strange to be appreciative of the frustration caused by someone else, but there was something enjoyable about the way that he could get under her skin at times. Maybe it was just how that ability was indicative of a closeness that she shares with him. Shared with him.
He was a bright light whose countenance could awaken happiness in her. It wounds her to think about how she’ll see him no longer. How the familiarity that once thrived between them is now forever lost.
She’s already missing him terribly.
She didn’t know beforehand that both Jecki and Yord, along with every other Jedi traveling with them, would meet an early end so horrifically on Khofar.
All of them except for Sol, that is.
…Sol.
She didn’t know that she would end up questioning his integrity. She didn’t know that she would find herself wondering whether he truly is a reliable father figure and friend or if he’s been withholding something that could make her perception a mere illusion.
It feels like there is an ocean’s worth of information that she was unaware of until it was far too late. And, unsolved puzzles still linger. So, how could she have possibly known that she would wind up being spirited away from that planet and to another? How could she have known that the person responsible would be someone who is exceptionally skilled in the art of deceit?
What was Pip’s sacrifice even for if she’s here, with the very same coldhearted murderer Pip tried to help defeat?
And he is, in fact, coldhearted. He is not without a heart. For how else could someone carry genuine sorrow? His heart is just shuttered, disfigured, and so very unlike the average heart. It is incapable of experiencing certain sentiments. There is no room for true love of any kind in his heart. Love requires warmth, something that the eternal iciness in his heart forbids.
Sure, he claims that he understands desire. Thing is, love and desire aren’t synonymous. Craving can be done without loving. What he actually knows is lust, and even that is clearly so far removed from humanity when it comes to him. He lusts for an intangible thing, power. His interest in sharing that power is not selfless. On the contrary, it is as selfish as can be. He wants only for himself, and he considers other beings pawns that he can dispose of should they refuse to be used for his aims. He would use an apprentice in that way. He is focused on immortalizing himself and his beliefs by training someone else to walk his path.
Despite the presence of a convoluted loathing in her heart when it comes to Mae, she recognizes that her wayward sister is living proof of this man’s detachment. Of his disinterest in others as anything other than replaceable tools. When someone crosses him, he doles out the harshest of punishments. Mae is no exception, it seems. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have fled. Surely she would be here instead, willingly seeking his tutelage. But, ultimately, Mae became a mistake in need of fixing his eyes.
It is because of her awareness of this that she realizes something unsettling. As bizarrely open as he tries to come across about her leaving the planet, he has no intention of stepping aside so that she may commandeer the ship that he used to transport them to this unfamiliar planet. She knows of his existence and she’s seen him unmasked. She knows too much.
Though, why make a point of presenting himself as indifferent? Why make himself appear to be entirely unbothered by the concept of her taking off without looking back?
Because he’s tremendously self-assured. He’s confident that should he present himself like this, with his defenses seemingly lowered, he’ll be rewarded with her active interest and curiosity. So intrigued by the information that he possesses as well as the sheer mystery of him, she’ll feel less compelled to return to Khofar or even Coruscant.
He’s right.
She’s had several chances to attack him. He’s even been so helpful as to line up those opportunities. Even going as far as undressing, submerging most of his body in water, and letting his backside face her while one of his lightsabers rested idle on land. He held no qualms about the notion of her seizing that opportunity to launch an attack.
And it wasn’t just a matter of him taking a gamble by presuming that she wouldn’t dare. No, the alternative would have been just as acceptable to him. Desirable, even. As proven by him later gripping her forearm and encouraging her to impale him using one of his own weapons.
He’s proven that he knows that with a clever press of her buttons, he can push her to a destination that she has tried to avoid. He can guide her to a path that she swore that she would never travel. He can succeed with her where he failed with Mae.
Curiosity may very well be her downfall, in the end.