Work Text:
The thing about panic attacks is that you never see them coming. If you are prone to them, the smallest thing can trigger them. And even then, for those who aren’t prone, it could take a simple straw to crush the weight of mental stability and plummet you down into endless anxiety and panic. Of course, Eiden was not immune to panic attacks.
He had been helping Yakumo in the kitchen, cutting up vegetables and listening to Yakumo talk about the recipe when it initially struck. He had nicked himself fairly badly on his hand while turning away to look at Yakumo, and had a sizable gash. Of course, under normal circumstances, this would be a simple mishap and he would go on with his day. But the pain had for some reason thrown him back into some of his latest life or death situations. Blinking the haze and the start of tears out of his eyes, looking down to examine the wound, he could see the skin parted with inner tissues visible. It took a moment before Yakumo noticed that Eiden had stopped chopping, and when he looked over he was greeted by Eiden staring down at a wound oozing blood.
“M-Mr. Eiden! Are you- Oh, that's deep- Are y-you okay?” Yakumo quickly (but gently) pulled the injured hand over to the sink to examine it better.
“Y-yeah, I-I’m okay, just… scared myself a bit I guess.” Eiden let Yakumo use some healing magic to stop the bleeding, then dismissed himself from the kitchen. Yakumo looked a bit distressed, but also didn’t want to pressure Eiden into staying, so he let him walk away while watching him with a concerned expression.
Eiden felt off, but okay after this. It was newly normal for him to recall his recent close encounters; The mutated bear that nearly crushed him to death, encountering Rin and having his essence stolen. He didn’t like recalling the crushing, draining and horrifying experiences, but it happened every now and then and Eiden had more or less adjusted to experiencing it. This, however, was not the straw that broke the camel's back.
Eiden had decided to go into town to clear his mind. It was a walk away, and walking usually helped. He had some pocket change if he really wanted to buy anything, but for now he just wanted to peek into stores and meander around.
Seeing shining blue hair while walking, Eiden felt his mood lighten. Any encounters with his clan members felt like little fireworks in Eiden’s chest, and he welcomed the idea of a brief conversation with Edmond. Maybe he could convince him to drop by after his duties? They could cuddle and read, or even just be in each other's presence. Eiden would like some of that right now.
However, this is not how the encounter he wanted went. Seeing Edmond walking slowly on the sidewalk, eyes focused ahead on something Eiden wasn’t aware of, Eiden approached.
“Sir Edmond!! How are you?” Eiden said, waving his arms and smiling big as he approached. He was expecting to see a plain or annoyed look, however, before he could even react, he felt himself get shoved to the side as Edmond darted past him. He didn’t land particularly hard, at most just scraping his knees and hands from how he fell. All he could do was watch as Edmond chased after 2 guys Eiden had unknowingly alerted before he stopped, the guys parkouring near effortlessly out of Edmond’s reach. Stomping his foot before turning around, fuming, Edmond marched into Eiden’s direction.
Eiden had only just stood again, grimacing at his scraped knees and now ripped jeans. Before he could ponder, though, Edmond was in his face and in his space.
“You fraudulent sorcerer! Do you have nothing better to do than stalk and harrass me all day?! Thanks to you, I just lost two suspects from a recent robbery. Do you have any idea how hard it was to follow them without being discovered? Do you have a thing for finding the best ways to inconvenience me?!” Edmond’s finger poked into Eiden’s chest with each question. Oh. He was MAD mad.
“E-Ed, I- I had no idea, I’m sorry-”
“SILENCE. I’ll take none of your empty apologies. See yourself away while I make a report about how I, the Vice Captain, failed to catch these two criminals AGAIN.” And with an angry flourish, Edmond walked away. Eiden stood there dumbstruck. He liked to work Edmond up for fun occasionally, but it was usually with small things he knew could be easily fixed or wouldn’t cause a problem. He definitely didn’t intentionally screw up Edmond’s pursuit.
Eiden felt the panic and anxiety from earlier bubble up, feelings of inadequacy, embarrassment and negativity rising to the surface. Blinking the shock away, Eiden let himself run on auto pilot back to the mansion.
Maybe today was just an off day. Everyone had those, right? Sometimes simple things don't feel simple. Well, cutting himself on accident was simple. Messing up Edmond’s work in a way that could get him in trouble? Not as simple. Did he just ruin his relationship with a clan member? What would the others think? Would they finally see just how useless he is as a successor and abandon him? Will he die alone in this world like he thought he would on his own?
Before he knew it, he was opening the front door to Aster’s mansion. He planned to go back to his room and try to calm down, however, of course on a day like this it wouldn’t be so simple. He saw Quincy asleep on a couch in the living room, which didn’t come as a surprise. They had a mission to go on in the next few days, and Quincy liked to help Eiden prepare. Somewhat unexpectedly, he saw Dante on a couch perpendicular to Quincy, reading a book with tea in hand. Eiden tried his best to slink by, but as he rounded the corner, Dante spoke up.
“Is this how the Grand Sorcerer treats honored guests? By ignoring them?” Dante asked in his usual bratty tone. Oooooooh boy… Now was NOT the time.
“Ah… sorry, Dante. It’s good to see you. Sorry to uh… dip, but I got to… do something.” Eiden said, with a nervous smile on his face. He brushed his hand on the back of his neck in an attempt to appear nonchalant.
“To do what, exactly? What do you do with your time that's more important than entertaining guests? It’s a wonder people respect you so much as the Grand Sorcerer, considering your complete lack of etiquette.” Dante said as he looked back down at his book and sipped his tea.
(Dante translation: It's a little rude to see me here and blatantly ignore me, and I want to know why you chose to do that. If you don't know how to host friends, I can teach you so that way I know people respect you that way that you deserve it.)
Eiden could feel his heart rate increasing and the way his lip trembled before he bit it, willing it to stop. Without answering, Eiden turned to leave, rushing up the stairs. He missed a step and fell forward, hitting his ribs and chin. Completely overwhelmed, Eiden continued his path to his room, successfully slamming his door behind him. In the living room, Dante and Quincy both heard this. Dante looked stunned, and Quincy opened one eye and raised an eyebrow at him.
“You need to learn to read the room. Troublesome.” Quincy said to his other clan member before sitting up, getting himself ready to help deal with whatever this was going on. Before either man could make progress into following Eiden, the door burst open. A sweaty, flushed Edmond walked in, and when he saw the other two clansmen, asked
“Have you seen Eiden by any chance?”
── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──
Eiden gripped his hair tightly in his hands as he tried to stop hyperventilating. Thoughts of pure self hatred flushed in his mind, overpowering his usual optimism.
‘ They are going to realize just how useless I am and leave me. I disappointed Yakumo by leaving, I completely messed up Edmond’s job, and I ignored Dante. DANTE. Of all people. The leader of Solaria. It’s too much. It’s all too much. I didn’t ask for this. For THIS. To inherit insane essence, to be forced to fill a role much bigger than me that I was destined to fail in. I want to disappear.’
Completely lost in his mental storm, Eiden feels a tension building in his core. Like a pressure that needs to be released, he can feel the urge to do /something/. Anything. Trying to ignore it, Eiden stumbles to his desk, which is covered in his usual work stuff. Papers, quills and ink, prototype toys, sewing supplies. Clenching his eyes shut, feeling the hot tears fall down his face, into his mouth, dripping onto the floor, Eiden sobbed.
It had been a long time since he had a full breakdown like this. The last time was back in his own world a few years ago after he got fired from another job. Already having bills stacked high and a debt worth more than his life, he felt similar despair.
Remembering the words Edmond said to him, Eiden sobbed a choked scream and wiped everything off his desk in a single movement. After that, he mindlessly started hitting the desk over and over, ignoring the pain in his hands as he continued to work out the intense emotions he was feeling. Once the pain of hitting something over and over and over had overpowered the emotions he was feeling, he fell onto his knees, sobbing harder as he let his hurt hands sit in front of him. He was barely away from his door flying open, had it not been for the loud ass noise it made.
Feeling shame in realizing how he looked, crying, scraped up, and room destroyed, Eiden turned away from the clan's men. This was feeling eerily similar to the orphanage, where he would throw temper tantrums and wreck rooms, only to cry and sit away while the adults watched. It was humiliating. Remembering this made Eiden cry harder, shoulders shaking in time with his unstable breaths.
The thing that caught him by surprise, however, was the firm hand that grabbed his shoulder. The thumb rubbed soothing circles, and Eiden couldn’t help but relax into the touch. Quincy had a way of instantly relaxing Eiden that he just didn’t understand.
“Little devil. Want to talk?” Quincy asked. He was kneeling behind Eiden, who was curled in on himself on the floor. Eiden really pondered the question. He never usually divulged deep feelings like this with other people. In fact, he prided himself on being the person people confided in. Whether it be by talking or using their bodies, Eiden liked providing stress relief.
However, he isn’t back in his old home. He isn’t surrounded by people who use him for his body, for his money, or for his sexuality. He should be able to trust those who trust him in return. Those who have given everything to help keep him safe. He felt they deserved to at least know why he’s a curled, sobbing mess on the floor.
Helplessly, Eiden nodded his head in response to Quincy’s question. He heard a small chuckle from him and felt his body be scooped up as if he were a small dog. Quincy really was just that strong.
He was placed on his bed gently, and he soon found Topper squeaking away like crazy, bouncing around in his lap. Eiden sniffled and gave a small laugh, petting Topper behind his ears and under his chin. He felt weight shift on his bed but didn't look up, almost willing that if he didn’t they would go away. Of course, that's not what happened. He found himself looking up when he felt the bed shift a second time, and Dante and Edmond took spots near the edge by Quincy. Eiden felt his heart drop and he looked away, hand firm on Topper’s body. After a few squeaks bringing him back, Eiden loosened his hand and whispered a small apology. Topper just nuzzled his hand as if asking for more pets, which Eiden obliged.
“Uh-... Eiden.. About today…” Edmond had started. Eiden couldn’t bring himself to look up, but cut off Edmond to finish the sentence for him.
“I-... I know. I messed up. You were pursuing those guys, right? I totally blew your cover. I am so sorry…. I won't do it again, I promise.” Eiden said, tears forming in his eyes again. Damn tear ducts.
“I…. understand if you hate me…” Eiden said quietly, not sure if even loud enough for anyone to hear.
“I-... Eiden, why would I hate you? I came here to apologize to you…” Edmond said, and Eiden finally looked up and made eye contact with him. Edmond’s face was flushed, but his eyes were sincere. The sight made Eiden’s eyes water again.
“What I did to you was unacceptable. I shoved you, Eiden… In the heat of the moment or not, I hurt you. That is not okay.” Edmond looked like he might cry, or had been crying, or both? Eiden didn’t have the brain power to analyze it. “I got… caught up… in the idea of catching those guys. One of my men detained them mere minutes after we ran into each other, you know? And it made me realize just how… childish… I acted. And now you-” Edmond’s voice catches in his throat, but he straightens his posture and wills the tears away as he speaks up. “As Vice Captain, my actions were completely unacceptable. I am sincerely sorry.” He bowed his head in Eiden’s direction, and Eiden sat mostly stunned. Before he could say anything in response, he saw Quincy glance at Dante and nudge him hard, just once.
“H-Hey!” Dante exclaimed, eyes falling onto him suddenly. His face flushed as the attention settled on him, and he fidgeted.
“Eiden. I… apologize, for what I said in the foyer. You were clearly distressed and I kept saying things I knew would upset you. I am sorry.” Dante, as brief as always. Regardless, it moved Eiden in the same way Edmond’s had, and Eiden felt his composure break again as he started crying. Hands came to his shoulders, belonging to Edmond and Quincy, and Eiden let his emotions out.
“I-I… I hate feeling so weak. I keep finding myself in s-situations that burden you guys.. A-and I feel like you stick around because you HAVE too…” Eiden used his free hand to rub at his sore eyes. “People always told me I would end up alone, and-and I was so scared that today I guaranteed it. That you guys would see me for the… the fake that I am… and get rid of me.” Eiden felt the hands stop momentarily until he was pulled into a soft embrace. It was from Edmond. He smelled really sweet.
“A-As hard as it is to say, I do cherish you, Eiden. Even without the clan associated with us, I value you for your optimism, your charm, and the way you take care of all of us so well. I have no intention of getting rid of you.” Edmond was smoothing Eiden’s hair, and Eiden wrapped his arms around Edmond and buried his face into his shoulder. Edmond allowed the small moment of intimacy to continue.
“You may be immature, but your charisma and good morals shine through. Many times you have gone out of your way not only for me, but for the things I hold dear to me. You are a valuable asset to me, more than just essence.” Dante rubs Eiden’s back. He could hear the blush in his tone, but chose to ignore it in light for absorbing the words spoken to him.
“You are your own person.” Quincy said. Eiden kept crying in the comfort of his clan members, and soon enough, when he calmed down, he let Edmond examine his wounds.
“Eiden… you need to take better care of yourself.” Edmond was bandaging Eiden’s hands and knees. Olivine would be stopping the next day, so that's as long as he had to hold out before he could get his bruises and scrapes healed. The clan members silently picked up the mess from Eiden’s desk while he was in a bath they prepared. Eiden was mentally exhausted from the day. It definitely was an off day… Usually he doesn’t break like this.
Eiden felt sadness seep in from the thoughts that he did have. It was normal to feel sad and depressed every now and then, but Eiden knew he was prone to it. This was the worst it had gotten in a long time.
In the sadness though, he felt so, so grateful. Even when he felt at his worst, he had great friends to come and help pick him up. They helped without question and didn’t judge him even when he felt like he would snap. They held him, rubbed his head, and told him he would be okay. It was far more than what he had back in his old world, that's for sure. And it's something he doesn’t plan on taking for granted again.