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The coolness from the hard floor seeping through his sweat soaked shorts was refreshing. Trying to catch his breath, Terry let the rest of his body meet the floor, savoring every minute of the short break he and his teammates were awarded after a grueling hour of nonstop dancing. There were only a few more weeks before they were set to make a comeback and the new choreography was proving to be hell. No matter how long or how much they practiced, the quick pace mixed with all of the jumping and up and down motions never got any easier. His own body was still screaming at him from yesterday's practice, but he was determined to push through. He wouldn't be the one to let the team down.
“Alright, I think you've all done enough for today. I don't want to break your spirits. Enjoy the weekend and be back first thing Monday. There're still some kinks we need to work out.” The dance instructor's words were met with sighs of relief and cries of joy. She chuckled, turning to collect her things and head out.
Terry turned his attention back to his members, observing them from where he still sat on the floor. Soobin and Hyuka were arguing about something related to one of the games they played which quickly turned into a one-sided yap fest courtesy of Soobin. Terry smiled to himself at the silliness of his hyung.
“Yaaahhhhh! Choi Beomgyu! I can't believe you just downed the rest of my coffee like that. How could you?” Yeonjun let out a defeated sigh, holding the now empty cup at eye level with a pout. Terry turned his attention to the culprit, the final member of the group, Choi Beomgyu. The most devilish smirk was plastered across his face as Beomgyu chuckled. His ridiculously handsome, but also stupid, face.
“I'll buy you another, hyung. Sorry, I was so thirsty.” Beomgyu half heartedly apologized to the oldest member. Yeonjun simply rolled his eyes.
“I can think of better ways you can repay me later.” Yeonjun replied under his breath. It was Terry's turn to roll his eyes, wishing he hadn't heard the comment. Annoyed, he got to his feet, grabbed the jacket he threw off earlier, and left with a noncommittal wave as crossed the threshold. When he made it down the hallway, he debated heading straight for one of the vans. He wasn't sure what the others’ had planned for the evening and really didn't want to get stuck in a van with Yeonjun and Beomgyu. Feeling even more annoyed than before, he changed course and jumped on the elevator instead. Maybe I can prerecord some demos or something, he thought to himself.
As soon as he stepped off the elevator, his phone buzzed in his pocket. Terry waited until he entered one of the smaller work rooms and sat down before pulling out his phone. Hyuka had sent a message asking if they should wait for him in the van, so quickly responded telling them not to bother and that he'd see them later. He really just wanted a moment to himself, one night where he didn't have to watch his ex flirting shamelessly with his hyung. He knew it was his own fault, knew that he was the one that pushed Beomgyu away first, but it still fucking hurt. Too many months had passed since they stopped, since he said the words to officially end things, yet it still felt as raw as the day it happened. Regret hung heavy in the air around him. Terry kicked the empty trashcan under the desk wishing he could do the same to the memories looping in his head.
-
“I can't do this anymore. I don't want to.” The words spilled from Terry's lips in a fit of anger.
“What do you mean?” Beomgyu’s face fell, his voice suddenly quiet.
“Exactly what I said, I'm done. I'm breaking up with you. You're too much.” He didn't mean it, but the hate-filled words kept coming anyways, “you're loud and clingy and annoying. I'm sick of it and tired of you.”
“I… I can change. Please Taehyunie. Don't do this.” The tears were welling in his eyes, teetering on the edge as they collected until he blinked, lashes sending them away and down his cheeks. “please.” He begged.
“It's over. I'm not doing this anymore. I need space.” he could feel his resolve weakening at the sight of Beomgyu’s tears, yet something in him persisted, forcing him to storm out of Beomgyu’s room despite the protests from the crying boy in front of him and the small part of himself crying in his heart. As he went to slam the door, and heard Beomgyu plead one more time, he almost caved.
The breakup had been hard enough on its own, but they couldn't even go their separate ways. He'd heard people talk about how you should never date a coworker or a friend, but disregarded them. His feelings for Beomgyu were too strong to be fleeting. He had been so sure that they would last and as such he had dashed any doubts and encouraged Beomgyu to give them a try. Oh how wrong he had been.
Things had started off so well, and when everything was good, it was really good. Being in the same group meant that no matter how busy and hectic the work schedule got, they were still always together. They couldn't be as obvious as they would've liked in public, but most of the support staff didn't care and never said anything. Some even smiled sweetly in their direction when Beomgyu would do something cute for him.
As they grew more comfortable with each other, they occasionally got lazy with keeping up appearances. He could recall at least one live broadcast they had done where Beomgyu couldn't keep his hands to himself. He had played with Terry's hair, tugged on his shirt, stuck his hands inside the collar of his shirt, and rested very closely against him. Terry had managed to keep a straight face the entire time, despite the older boy's touch riling him up. The managers forced them apart whenever they could for the next two weeks after that.
It was more than that though. It seemed like every night, Beomgyu would come crawling into Terry's already too small bed forcing them to be squashed together in the cramped space. During any down time or breaks, there was Beomgyu, glued to his side. It was overwhelming, exhausting even. Then the bickering started. The pair would find themselves arguing over anything and everything. Eventually, it was just too much. Terry needed a break and he knew the only way that would happen was if he ended it with Beomgyu. He toyed with the idea for a while, thinking that maybe if they had a break from each other and took time to cool down, they could get back together and things would be good again.
So, he did it. He broke up with Beomgyu. It was one of the hardest things he'd ever done in his life, and when he set eyes on Beomgyu looking absolutely defeated the next morning, he almost revoked the whole thing. He took a step toward Beomgyu, feeling the regret grasping him around the neck, and was about to speak when his hyung met his eyes.
“Morning. I'll go back to my room so you can have your space.” There was not even a hint of malice in his tone, only sadness. Terry simply watched as Beomgyu cleaned up his breakfast dishes and retreated to his room and turned on music to drone out the crying he was most likely about to be doing. Terry stood there, rooted on the spot, unsure how to proceed until Hyuka spoke up from the corner of the room.
“I dunno what happened, but just give it a few days. I'm sure he'll be back to himself.” Hyuka smiled warmly, shoving a spoonful of cereal into his mouth.
“Yeah, yeah. I suppose you're right.” Terry managed to get out.
And so the next few Beomgyu-free days passed for Terry. He was sleeping better and feeling less overwhelmed now that he had some of his own personal space. Beomgyu’s moping petered out and he eventually settled back into a normal rhythm again as well. Maybe they would be okay after all.
~
Jumping ahead a few months, Terry no longer took comfort in his empty bed. He missed feeling Beomgyu’s hand slip into his in the van and the way he would play with Terry's hair when they were close by. The regret of what he'd done and lost was starting to sink in.
One night, after the rest of the members had gone to bed, Terry tiptoed down the hall to Beomgyu’s room and knocked on the door before letting himself in. Beomgyu was sitting on the bed, back against the wall, with his headphones on. He lifted one side off his ear as he peered up at Taehyun.
“What?” He asked gruffly.
“I was thinking. I think I made a big mistake. I miss you.”
“I'm gonna stop you right there. I finally get myself to a point where I can see myself moving on and now you want to drop this on me? That's not fair Taehyun.” Beomgyu sounded angry, using his Korean name against him like a final period, a stomped foot.
“But if we got back together, you wouldn't have to move on. I've realized how wrong I was. Please give me another chance?” He persisted, hoping to get through to him.
“Like you gave me? Oh wait, you didn't. You slammed my door instead. Please leave before you wake up the others.” Beomgyu replaced the side of his headphones, turning the volume up on his phone. He refused to look back up at him. Realizing how badly he had fucked up, Terry retreated back to his own room, pulling the covers up over his head, and cried himself to sleep. Surely it couldn't get any worse.
-
Terry honestly thought that losing Beomgyu would be the hardest thing he'd have to go through. That is until he was forced to watch Beomgyu start shamelessly flirting with other people in front of him. It was made even worse by having to watch as Beomgyu and Yeonjun started flirting harder and harder with each other. He could feel the green eyed monster creep into his soul, taking over more and more of himself as the two of his members grew closer.
When the day came that they announced their relationship to the team, Terry felt his heart stutter in his chest, the heartbreak surging to new levels once again. Had he truly lost Beomgyu for real? He thought to himself. Sweet, innocent Hyuka congratulated them with a cheer and Soobin politely joined in.
“Wow, that’s… that’s great. Good for you two!” Terry tried to play the part of supportive teammate, at least until it was socially acceptable for him to slip away and hide in his room for the foreseeable future. Maybe even forever.
~
Time continued to pass, Yeonjun and Beomgyu continued to get closer, and Terry continued to grow more bitter. He had thought he was doing a better job of internalizing his discomfort until a member of the support staff sat him down one day after they finished their schedules. She handed him a tablet, hitting play on the slideshow. He watched as various photos and clips played through. In each one, he watched himself grow more and more spiteful around Beomgyu and Yeonjun, especially Beomgyu. There were clips of him staring with hatred toward the two of them being playful and clips of him flinching angrily away from Beomgyu’s touch. There were stills of lives zoomed in on every one of his scowls or of him rolling his eyes and even more clips of him just trying to avoid being alone with the pair. He swallowed hard, willing his eyes not to well up. He knew he was hurting and regretful, and maybe he knew he was being a little mean, but to see if all laid out like this, all of the evidence of the green eyed monster pulling his threads and controlling all of his movements…. He had no idea he’d been this bad. No wonder Beomgyu was giving him such a wide berth these days. Even Yeonjun was hesitant to be nearby.
“This has to stop, Taehyun-ssi. MOA has taken notice of your unprofessional behavior.” The staff member switched over to a new document. It displayed varying types of comments or posts from MOA in so many different languages all raising similar concerns, “What happened between Taehyun and Beomgyu? Why does Terry look so mad around Beomgyu all the time? Will the group split or will Tae leave?” He read through as many of them as she let him before turning the tablet off. “I have a guess as to what must’ve happened, and I have sympathy for you, I really do. But you can see for yourself. This is getting out of hand. Please try to be more mindful of your expressions when you are in the public’s eyes. Our company is more than happy to provide information for therapists, if you think it would be helpful. Your mental health is of concern here as well.”
The support staff member continued talking, offering various suggestions of how to help him in this trying time, but he eventually stopped listening. His mind was reeling, playing the images and videos over and over again in his brain. How did I get here? How did it get this bad? He thought to himself.