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Veronica quietly closed the door behind her and leaned her forehead against it for a moment. She hadn't cried in the hospital or on the way home, so why now... She closed her eyes and breathed in slowly, exhaling through clenched teeth: "Pull yourself together. It's not the end of the world!"
"Ronnie?" a worried voice came from behind her and she turned sharply. "What do you mean?"
"Hi," her lips parted in a fake smile, "Oh, no big deal."
"Something wrong?" frowning, JD stepped closer. Veronica hastily backed away.
"Just a little trouble at work. Don't worry about it," she hung her coat on the rack and, pursing her trembling lips, began to concentrate on removing the barely visible lint from the sleeve. "Will you make the coffee? I'll be right over, just finishing up."
If she turns, she'll burst into tears.
"Let's just take it to the laundry tomorrow," JD sighed, taking the coat from her hands and hanging it far away. And then, without letting her get distracted again, he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer. His lips pressed reassuringly against her shoulder. "You were at the hospital, weren't you?"
Swallowing the lump in her throat, she nodded silently.
"I take it the news isn't good?"
"Yes and no," Veronica still turned and tilted her head up to look at JD, concern glowing in his eyes. She found the strength to smile reassuringly. "I'll be fine."
"If you were, you wouldn't be crying," he ran his thumb down her cheek, wiping away the wet trail. A lump formed in her throat. Veronica's lips quivered and she sobbed, bursting into tears. He silently pulled her to him and rocked her gently.
"I don't know why I got so upset," she mumbled between suppressed sobs. "It's so stupid!"
JD sighed patiently, kissed the top of her head, and pulled away slightly.
"Why don't you get some water and tell me everything, okay? Then we can decide if it's stupid or not together," JD waited for her hesitant nod, then scooped Veronica up in his arms and carried her into the living room.
When she calmed down, she put the glass down on the table and looked up at JD, her eyes red with tears.
"I don't know why I'm so upset. I'll have the surgery, stay in the hospital for a few days, and then go home. Even the scars will be almost invisible. Everything will be fine."
"Are you doing this again?" he sighed reproachfully and turned sideways, pulling her onto his side. Veronica lay quietly on his chest, her arm tucked under her head. It was their special pose for tough conversations, especially when she was stubborn and refused to admit that she was upset. Some things were easier to say when JD couldn't see her face.
Her tired eyes closed on their own, and a warm blanket that smelled of tobacco and caramel shampoo fell over her shoulders.
"I'll probably never be able to have children," Veronica finally whispered softly, "I'm sorry..."
"I thought you didn't want to?" JD clarified in a calm voice, hugging her a little tighter than he should have.
They hardly ever talked about it. There were always other, more important things to do: they had to somehow deal with their troubled past, get therapy, he had to find a job, and Veronica had to finish college and start a career. They lived in the moment and made no plans for the future; even the proposal had happened almost by accident, without a ring, on this very couch.
No, she had no regrets and didn't want to change anything in her life, not even those old and terrible mistakes: without them, they would never have gotten to this point. Everything was good now, and they had been happily married for five years. It seemed like the logical thing to do to take the next step, but on the contrary, her doubts were only getting stronger.
"I don't know, JD, I'm not sure I'd be a good mother. But I wanted so much for you...for us to have a normal family."
"Where do you get that kind of nonsense? We are a family," his tone was calm, but she could still hear the sadness in it. She frowned and raised her head, but JD flicked her nose, making her giggle awkwardly.
"But you always wanted kids, didn't you?"
"I always wanted to be with you. That's all that matters," he murmured quietly, as if trying to steer the conversation in another direction. Ronnie usually gave in at this point, but today she was unexpectedly stubborn.
"You know what I mean," she looked at his face intently. "You always wanted to be a better father than yours."
"I don't think trying to deal with my past that way is going to do any good," he grinned wryly and looked away. "My heredity, my mental problems, and frankly, my temper is kind of shitty... What if I repeat his mistakes instead?"
He quickly bit his tongue: saying the last thing wasn't in his plans.
"You'll never be like your father," Veronica shook her head confidently, "and I know for a fact that you'd make a great father."
"How?" he snorted incredulously.
"You just don't realize that you can be such a mother hen sometimes," she laughed softly, nuzzling her cheek against his chest. JD's fingers immediately dug into her short hair. "If we had kids, they'd be happy. And you would be happy. "
"What about you?
Veronica thought for a moment, then shrugged, "I think so too, just in a slightly different way. Happy that you're happy... Is that bad? "
" I guess not," he ran a hand through her hair, letting the fluffy strands run through his fingers. "Sure, I'd like us to have a big family, like in some stupid commercial. You, me, our daughter and the dog... But wishing and deciding are two different things. Not just because you weren't sure, and not just because I have bad genes, although I do. Not even because I can't always be a good person, although I try my best. "
"You're scared too, aren't you?" she smiled understandingly. "That we'll be as bad as our parents? "
"You're damn right," JD chuckled, pulling her closer to him, "I mean, you and I are going to make a whole new person, a blank slate. What if we fuck it up? What if we fuck it up and there's just one more unhappy child out there in the world?"
"Well, that's definitely not going to happen now," Veronica replied with a cheerful smile, "so you don't have to worry about that. "
"Fuck," he swore, looking at her guiltily, "I'm sorry, I... I didn't mean to... Maybe we should try adoption?"
She looked up at him with round eyes, "What?"
"Well, I was thinking that someone already screwed up with these kids before us, which means we probably won't make it any worse," JD explained confused, "not that I've thought about it before, but... It makes sense, right?"
"Just don't say that in an interview, dummy," Ronnie laughed softly, looking at him with a tender smile. "But, you know, there's something about it..."
She bit her lip, a thoughtful wrinkle forming between her eyebrows. JD didn't deny himself the pleasure of a quick kiss on it.
"But definitely a daughter," he continued, leaning back on the armrest and staring dreamily at the ceiling, "I want to do braids, paint the nails, and dress up like a fairy for Halloween. Would a pink tutu suit me?"
"Very," Veronica laughed uncontrollably. "Damn, I want to see it already!"
"And I need a tiara with feathers," he added suggestively, causing another explosion of laughter.
"You're such a dork sometimes!"
"I try," JD grinned smugly: the tears on her face dried completely, replaced by cautious interest. He hurried to cement the result. "I wonder what our daughter's name would be..."
" I hope it's not Stacy," she snorted suddenly, blowing her fringe out of her eyes.
"Still jealous?"
"You were flirting with her!" Veronica pursed her lips in resentment. He would have thought she was really mad at him, if it wasn't for the sly look she gave him.
"I just love the way you get mad. You're so cute," JD teased her, "like an angry little gremlin. Ouch!"
Veronica bit his shoulder vindictively, then dropped her head back to his chest and sighed loudly. Fatigue suddenly hit her again, spreading a pleasant heaviness over her body. She'd been tired a lot the last few months, but the doctors had promised it would go away after the surgery.
"I love you," she murmured, finding his hand and pressing it possessively to her chest.
"I love you too, darling," he kissed her lightly on the top of her head, "get some sleep. I'll wake you up in half an hour and we'll go out for dinner. Okay?"
A quiet, peaceful sniffle was all he heard in response.
***
JD squeezed her hand reassuringly, but Veronica didn't seem to notice. She couldn't stop being nervous: what if something went wrong? What if she didn't like them? What if they failed? Her palms were sweating. The counselors had warned her that the girl had a difficult temper, but her smile was so much like JD's that Veronica couldn't resist it.
Finally, the door opened and Ms. Daisy let the girl into the room. She was wearing a dress that was stained with mud and holding a soccer ball in her hand. The teacher sighed tiredly and shook her head without commenting on her outfit: "I'll leave you to it," and walked out into the hallway, closing the door behind her.
Without moving, the girl gave Veronica and JD a frown and clutched the ball tighter to her chest.
"Hi," Ronnie's voice trembled a little, "what's your name?"
"Hope," the girl mumbled, "why, did they forget to tell you?"
Veronica looked at JD with reproach as she heard a soft giggle behind her.
"Sorry, I don't have much experience with children," she admitted honestly, shifting her gaze back to the girl. "My name is Veronica, and that weird guy behind me is my husband, Jason."
"Why weird?" giggled Hope, staring at him curiously.
"He has some sort of inhuman ability to eat sweets in huge quantities," Veronica quipped hastily, "and you like sweets?"
" I do!"
"Then let's go to a cafe around here and order a bunch of desserts," JD winked at the angrily nodding girl, "and we'll get this bore a sandwich. "
"We can get to know each other better," Veronica added with a roll of her eyes, "if you don't mind, of course..."
"Can we get chocolate cake?" Hope narrowed her eyes slyly and, after a nod from JD, turned to the door. "Then I don't mind."