Work Text:
Riku has always followed the rules.
In kindergarten. In school. In SM.
Even when they sucked and he hated them, he always followed the rules.
Without skipping a heartbeat.
Yet now, the heartbeat has skipped.
And although his brain still follows the rules, his heart does not. And it is hard.
He always knew that the idol life would be hard. And he signed up for it.
He always knew that he would lose sleep at night. And he signed up for it.
He always knew that he would push his body to the limits and beyond it. He signed up for it.
He knew he would love his group members. He signed up for it.
But he never, ever knew that it would be this hard, and that he would be losing his sleep, and that his body would be pushed to the limits because he loved his group members.
One of them, that is. In a very, very particular way.
The rules were simple: show affection to your group members. Hug them. Touch them. Give them compliments. He followed the rules. They did not even feel like rules, they felt like the most natural instinct in the world. That part was not hard, it was easy.
But there is one unsaid rule that his heart did not manage to follow. The rule that not a single person in the world, not a single employee in the company, not a single member told him, but he knew the rule existed: do not fall in love with a member of your group.
Because he did.
The affection he was showing slowly started evolving from a task to urge. The hugs he was giving started feeling too much like home. The touches started sending chills down his spine. More and more each time. The compliments started slipping his lips without him even noticing.
At night, he would be rolling in his bed, unable to sleep, thinking just how tragic his life is. That the first love he has ever felt was the one that is so close, yet so far. The pain in the libs after a whole day of dance practice was nothing compared to the pain he felt while trying to hold back from doing what he wanted to do. To do what people in love are meant to do.
He never knew that the idol life could be that hard.
He finally walks out of the shower, giving up on the idea that the boiling hot water would wash these feelings off him, silently observing his defeated face in the mirror. His sad eyes hidden behind the wet, dark bangs dancing on his beautiful face, but not even they can hide the accumulating tears. The previous night was easier. It was still hard, but easier. But tonight, tonight is one of those very, very hard ones. The invisible coin owned by the staff members that decides who shares the hotel room with whom has decided. Daeyoung is the one waiting outside the door, probably impatient as it should be his time to shower and get ready to get a few hours of sleep. Hardly even that.
Riku stands in the room, rubbing a towel against his hair, expecting Daeyoung to move from the sofa in the corner of the room. But the younger does not move. He is sitting still, with earphones in his ears and a phone screen illuminating his gorgeous face. A smile escapes Riku’s lips without even noticing, but the heartache wipes it soon away. They are both so still as if the whole world stopped.
“You know that Daeyoung hyung really likes you, don’t you.” Ryo’s words from last night, when he shared another hotel room with him, start looping in his earlobes. He shakes his head, hoping they would leave, but they don’t “you should try talking to him”.
“We all like each other. And I talk to him. Every day.” Riku replied, annoyingly switching off the lamp next to his bed.
“Well, maybe it is not just about what he says, but also what he does not say. The same goes for you. ” The younger did not feel discouraged by seeing that Riku was pretending to sleep.
Daeyoung suddenly shudders so hard that the phone falls into his lap. As soon as he notices that it is Riku’s head that landed on his shoulder and not a giant spider, he laughs so hard his whole body starts shaking. Usually, Daeyoung laughs in a way that his arms, shoulders, head, and sometimes even legs go through more cardio than a professional athlete in a gym, but he tried to tone it down this time, not wanting to scare Riku back.
“What were you doing?” The older quietly asks through a pout.
“Just watching something, umm…” Daeyoung mutters. In fact, he really forgot what he was watching. His focus is fully on making his shoulder so comfortable that Riku’s head does not slip away. Carefully utilizing the other hand, he take his earphones out.
“I have been standing there for like 5 minutes waiting for you to move. The bathroom is ready.”
“About that…” Daeyoung giggles awkwardly, trying to choose his words carefully “I just wanted to be as silent as possible before you fall asleep. Hoping you would not even notice that I am here.”
Riku quickly straightens his back, shooting an anxious look full of question marks towards his roommate.
“I mean,” Daeyoung panics, gesturing to Riku that he is about to explain what he meant “Your reaction in the car today when they assigned rooms to us was very negative. So I thought you hated sharing the room with me. Because of that, I decided I would make no sound or even movement until you are asleep. I don’t want to make this uncomfortable for you.”
You dumbass, Riku thinks, that is not why you make it difficult for me.
On one hand, he hates himself for making Daeyoung insecure, but on the other, his heart keeps melting once again because this is exactly why he is so in love: Daeyoung would always do anything in his power to make those around him feel good, even when it is to his disadvantage. Losing the train of thoughts, Riku quickly shakes his head, determined to solve the misunderstanding. But the moment he wants to speak, his lips readily parted, the words do not come out. How does one solve this misunderstanding without causing an even bigger issue? Daeyoung sits back, with his hair messy and his face curious, slightly nodding as an encouragment for the older to speak.
“You can tell me whatever, hyung, you know that. I will accept it.”
Hearing the words breaks his heart. Again. “It isn’t you, Daeyoungie. I’m sorry if I offended you. I didn’t mean it that way.” That is the best he can do right now. Each word cut his throat like a burning sword.
“It’s ok. You don’t have to explain. I’m sorry if I made you think you do.” Daeyoung stands up, walking towards his bed to pick up the fresh clothes he aims to wear after the shower. Riku clenches his fist, knowing that he can not let his loved one go through the night thinking that the situation is the exact opposite of what it actually is. This is not Daeyoung’s fault. This is his own fault.
“Stop.” Riku says so determined that the younger suddenly stiffs up. This is not the tone he ever uses. “The thing is…”
“I said it’s ok,” Daeyoung smiles softly from the other side of the room “You really don’t have to explain. I just thought you liked me. I really like it when we’re sharing rooms, so it was just a bit surprising to see your reaction today. Maybe I was wrong. I understand that you might like Ryo more. Or Yushi hyung. That is fine.”
Riku would want nothing more than to shut him up and stop the incorrect nonsense that is filling up the room right now but in all the wrong ways. He finally gets the courage to walk up to him. Slightly tilting his head back to meet the eyes of the taller teammate, he takes a deep breath. “The thing is, I really like sharing room with you. I like spending time with you. I like just… observing you. I like seeing you giggle at your phone, and I like seeing you giggle at things I say and do even more. I like expecting you to get out of the shower so we can say the final I love you before we fall sleep instantly. I like waking up first and seeing you force yourself to open your eyes. I really, really like you.”
“Then I don’t understand what was the problem.” His voice becomes even sadder.
“The problem is in me, Daeyoung-ah. Believe me. It is just something that hyung has to figure out himself. Just a part of life.”
Daeyoung carefully lowers the clothes he has been holding in his hand this whole time onto a chair next to the bed, having a feeling like this might take a while. “Hyung, you can tell me anything, you know that, right? I would never, ever judge you.”
“I know you wouldn’t. But this is different.”
“How is it different?”
“It just… is.”
“Can I help you somehow?”
Riku does not answer. He closes his eyes and covers them with his hands instead, letting out a frustrating groan.
“Ok, whatever it is, I don’t want to push you to talk about something you don’t feel ready to talk about. But if you ever are ready, I am here.”
“Would you really not judge me? No matter what I would say right now? Or no matter what I would even do right now?”
“As long as you are happy, how can my heart even try to judge you?”
“Daeyoung-ah, I love you.”
“Oh, so you are going to sleep?”
Riku laughs, playfully slapping the other’s arm.
“No, I am not going to sleep. In fact, I have been fighting insomnia lately. And the reason is that there is something that I really can’t tell anyone, no matter how much you all love me and support me.”
“Did you do something illegal?” Daeyoung’s eyes widen, he is getting confused.
“No! What is wrong with you.” Riku slaps him again, the exact same spot.
“Do you wanna do something illegal?”
“Well, I guess it is still illegal somewhere. But not here.”
“Then tell me!”
“I did tell you, but I guess you won’t understand unless I do it.”
“Then do it. Show it to me.”
“Do you really promise me that you won’t judge me or hate me? No matter what?”
“No matter what” he reassures him. Repeatedly. Until the moment Riku pushes his weight onto the tips of his toes so he could reach Daeyoung’s lips and lock them together. There it is. He is doing it. He is showing it. He feels the moist lips and silky skin brushing against his. The warmth suddenly filled up his small body, from his toes to the top of his head. His brain going in all sort of directions. He doesn’t feel the taller one pushing him away, or trying to step back from this. Something he expected. Instead, the taller boy is just standing there, letting Riku to lead. “There it was.” He gulps, knowing, based on the body language, that Daeyoung wouldn’t make a scene, but not expecting a positive response either.
“That really isn’t criminalized in Korea, you were right.” He smiles awkwardly, trying to make sense of it.
Riku shakes his head, knowing there was nothing more to expect either.
“I just really hope this won’t change anything between us. Sorry. I shouldn’t have done this.”
“But wait, it was good.” Daeyoung grabs Riku’s wrist as he is about to walk to his bed, making a grimace because the verbal response surprised him as well. “I mean,” he stutters “It’s fine. I’m still not sure if that is connected to anything we talked about or not but I would never judge you for anything. Not even this.”
Riku knew it would be confusing, but he did not know it would be this confusing.
He leans back in, and this time Daeyoung doesn’t stand still - he is responding. He feels the velvety but exciting pressure against his lips, and a stream of warm air parting them open. He feels hands in his hair, and chest rubbing against his. He feels their heartbeats dance in sync, together.
He knew it would feel good, but he did not know it would feel this damn good.
The next time they step back, it doesn’t last nearly long enough to even create words in their brains and then produce them inside of their mouth, it hardly lasts long enough to take two deep breaths and ask for agreement with twinkles their eyes and a soft nods of their heads.
Now he is the one not knowing what is happening, but he doesn’t care. For once, just for once, he will let himself live in the moment.
He is lying on the bed, lovingly dancing with his fingers through the beloved boy’s hair, unable to even move their lips apart. The friction of their clothes rubbing against each other creates the heat that almost matches the heat he’s always been feeling in his heart. Now he finally lets the fire burn in open flame. And it feels so, so good. Their lips are like two matching puzzle pieces finally coming together.
They did not say I love you to each other tonight. There was no need.
And the insomnia in question? Riku has never slept better in his life. In the warm embrace of the boy he’s in love with.
Riku finally broke the rules. And it felt so fucking good.