Work Text:
“Qingxuan.”
The echo of his name reverberated from a thousand throats all around, every person on the expansive hill turning to look at him and calling out in unison. Their eyes were blank and empty, mouths void of teeth and tongues.
“Qingxuan.”
The people repeated in the same monotone tone, but something prickled in the back of his mind. Huh? That voice sounded familiar… He Xuan? Through a groggy haze he awoke, but he’d only just opened his eyes before he was closing them again. He was relaxed. He was comfortable. Just a few more minutes sounded nice…
Sinking back into his dream he smiled but still did not make any move to wake any further. Really, could you blame him for confusing reality with dream when He Xuan featured in his dreams so often? Finally, a hand enclosed on his wrist and hauled him upright.
He cried out, startled, eyes flying open, to come face to face with He Xuan, lips pressed into what felt like a decidedly judgmental line. “He-xiong!” Shi Qingxuan grinned.
Wobbling on his sleep-addled feet He Xuan steadied him and then leaned forward but Shi Qingxuan, eyes widening, jittery, pushed him away. Before He Xuan could even frown Shi Qingxuan was jumping up, untangling himself from the mess of blankets he had been lying in, and smoothing down his hair in explanation. “Wait, I’m a mess, and probably smell bad.”
He Xuan’s gaze, unreadable and blazing intensely, swept over him bringing a self-conscious smile to Shi Qingxuan’s lips. His gaze moved past him, surveying his surroundings, and, with a wince, Shi Qingxuan considered what it must have looked like through He Xuan’s eyes. For one, the alley he had been sleeping in was a dump. While the two buildings that created the alley walls had far-hanging roofs which protected the tight space from rain and harsh winds, it also cast the area in a perpetually dark, grungy light by blocking most of the sun. Those same walls were piled with garbage, so that even if Shi Qingxuan did not smell bad the alley certainly did, a putrid combination of rot and refuse that was both sharp and pungent. Then there was the heat from the packed close confines because Shi Qingxuan was not the only person to call this passage home for the last few nights. The other beggars gawked open-mouthed at He Xuan who stood so out of place in his pristine dark clothing and perpetually brooding, intimidating, atmosphere.
When Shi Qingxuan himself looked at it he was not ashamed, just disappointed. Though he had grown up sheltered and he was not so idealistic to believe that kings and rulers truly cared, it still disappointed him that so many people made a living so meager they struggled to provide even the most basic of necessities for themselves. Yet, how could he not feel the smallest prickling of worry bloom in his gut that He Xuan might judge him or think less of him?
When He Xuan’s gaze returned to him Shi Qingxuan’s smile had become even more wane. Of all the things Shi Qingxuan would have guessed He Xuan would reply with he was completely wrong. “And I’m dead. I don’t care.”
Shi Qingxuan’s nervous smile broke into a genuine grin and he let out a relieved breath. This time when He Xuan moved towards him he jumped into a kiss before hugging him. “What are you doing here?”
“I need a reason?” Came He Xuan’s grumble from above. “I thought you would expect me by now.”
That was true, He Xuan had visited Shi Qingxuan every single day since turning in the wrath to Xie Lian but Shi Qingxuan couldn’t let himself get used to it. These days had been the happiest Shi Qingxuan had been in so long—he was floating on the ease and simple joy of existing with someone he loved— and he would enjoy these days for as long as they lasted, he would take nothing for granted, but he would also not dare to hope it would last.
Shi Qingxuan shook his head though He Xuan probably could not see, hugging him and all. “No, of course not, you don’t need a reason! You know I like it.” Something he had been considering for a long while resurfaced then. “But I am wondering if you have anything you want to do?”
“No.”
“Great because I do!” He jumped back, beaming. “Please, teach me to swim.”
That was met with a disbelieving shake of He Xuan’s head. “You don’t know how to swim?”
“Why would I?” There was, of course, the fact that his brother had been the water master but he waved the air to chase off words that had not yet been spoken. “Please He-xiong.”
He Xuan wound an arm around Shi Qingxuan’s waist. “I don’t want you drowning on me, so fine.”
Shi Qingxuan cheered.
It took a while to lead He Xuan through the winding streets out of the city but Shi Qingxuan chattered the way there to stave off boredom, though he knew He Xuan wasn’t bothered. They had all the time in the world after all.
Past a bush and around a tree he stepped out into a clearing, He Xuan close by his side, and was greeted by a massive lake of sparkling blue waters. Lily pads skated across the surface and just below the waving hands of blue and green seaweeds could be seen reaching fingertips up to the golden sunlight. A cold breeze swept up the shoreline tangling in the surrounding thicket, teasing the tops of reeds until they bobbed back and forth, and inspiring birds to flight. Tiny insects buzzed incessantly all around, small black bodies darting everywhere too quickly for the eye to follow.
“We could just go to my lair you know?” He Xuan said as they made their way through the thick tangle of plants. Instead of sand, there was a spongy bank where Shi Qingxuan swore some small devilish creature almost crawled over his foot— it took everything in him not to shriek and run. He did not, however, because that would have meant pulling away from He Xuan.
He Xuan was holding Shi Qingxuan’s hand, he seemed to always want to, which Shi Qingxuan found frankly adorable. It was a slight touch here, an inconspicuous reach to twine their fingers together there, and the tension, Shi Qingxuan could feel, that filled He Xuan always lessened a little when their hands were wrapped in the other’s. Shi Qingxuan liked it too; it reminded him that He Xuan was there. “I know, but I’d rather learn in real water and not water magically controlled by my He-xiong.” He Xuan did not object to being called his. “Besides, it’s not like there is any real danger. You’d just save me if I started to drown.”
He Xuan said nothing in response but Shi Qingxuan knew it was true from the way that He Xuan held his hand a little tighter. “Why do you want to learn anyway?”
“Because you know how and water is kind of your thing and I want to do it with you.” Shi Qingxuan replied easily, staring down where his toes met the lake. This had been something he had thought about often, and though he knew they both had, and needed, lives seperate from each other he wanted to show interest in what He Xuan cherished. Because he was looking down he did not see the way He Xuan’s face changed, the way his expression softened to reveal a mix of emotions, the way he drew in a breath though he did not need to breathe.
Shi Qingxuan did hear, however, how he sounded different when he mumbled, “If you want to swim, you have to actually get in the water.”
Shi Qingxuan turned back, smiling. “I know, dummy, but I don’t want to get my robes wet.”
“Easy fix.” He Xuan deadpanned, though a smirk curled his lips. Shi Qingxuan laughed but let He Xuan help him out of the outermost layer so that he was standing in just his inner robes. He was exceedingly gentle with each touch and when Shi Qingxuan had been pulled free he placed it gently to the side.
With that done Shi Qingxuan took a step into the lake, water lapping up to his ankles and mud squishing between his toes. “Oh, it’s not that cold,” he remarked aloud, expecting to be frozen. A few more steps in and he deeply regretted thinking the temperature would be anywhere near moderate. Wading in up to his knees now it was shockingly frigid and he jumped up and down as though that would change the temperature. At least it would keep him warm!
He Xuan walked in with ease, passing Shi Qingxuan without flinching, and sinking up to his neck where he waited, chuckling softly.
“Stop!” Shi Qingxuan wailed, “It’s not funny, you can’t even feel the temperature, I bet.”
“Just get in here.” He Xuan replied, “It won’t get any warmer. In fact, it will only get colder if you stand there until the sun sets.”
Closing his eyes Shi Qingxuan took a deep breath and then charged in like he was facing some great army, splashing as he went. That did not stop him from shrieking as it sloshed up to his stomach where it felt even more cold.
Swimming, he decided, was going to be a great sacrifice.
He Xuan sighed muttering what was either “Dramatic,” or “Qingxuan,” under his breath—Shi Qingxuan couldn’t hear but both would have been on brand for He Xuan.
“Okay, okay, okay, tell me. How do I not drown?”
He Xuan was unimpressed. “Well to even be at risk of drowning you have to not stand on the ground, for starters.”
Shi Qingxuan grinned impishly and then slowly moved deeper into the lake until only his toes touched the bottom. “What do I do then?”
“You need to start by learning how to tread water. First, you have to move like this,” he raised his arms above the surface and demonstrated the movement. He scooped his hands together and then pushed outward as he brought them back, creating a full circle with each arm before his hands joined again.
Hand flying to his mouth Shi Qingxuan tried not to laugh, he really did, but then he burst out giggling. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he gasped through his laughter, “It just looks funny.”
“Mmm, does it?” There was a quality to his tone that had Shi Qingxuan giggling harder.
He Xuan was graciously silent until Shi Qingxuan’s laughter abated and he caught his breath, arms curled around an aching stomach. “A- After that what do I do?”
Instead of answering He Xuan tilted his head to the side and asked, voice strange, “Are you nervous?”
Shi Qingxuan quickly shook his head, “No. What’s going to happen? It’s a lake and it’s you.”
A grin bloomed on He Xuan’s face then and it was perhaps the most Shi Qingxuan had seen him smile. “While moving your arms like this,” he repeated the movement from earlier, “you can do the same thing with your legs just underneath you— or cycle them if you’d prefer. I don’t know how to show you when you can’t see underwater.”
“Oookay, I’ll try, I guess? I’ll do that.”
So Shi Qingxuan started with the arms, feeling positively ridiculous as he drew them together, scooped them out, and drew them together again. He Xuan plunged under the water, hair floating up around him, and it took Shi Qingxuan a moment to realize he was assessing his accuracy. If he faltered slightly because of that, no one had to know. They certainly did not need to know that he was blushing by the time He Xuan remerged. “That’s good. Move in a wider arc next time, the surface area will help you stay afloat.”
Shi Qingxuan did as suggested, still feeling ridiculous but less than before. “Like this?” He was actually beginning to find the repetitive action relaxing and a nice challenge.
Under and back up again, “Exactly.”
A strand of wet hair hung down He Xuan’s face and Shi Qingxuan was struck, and then startled, by the force of his desire to push it back and tuck it behind his ear. It very nearly compelled him to try to swim over to him but then He Xuan was brushing it away before he could. Shi Qingxuan wanted to take He Xuan’s face in his hands and argue about how only he was in his inner robes while He Xuan was not and—
“How’d you learn to swim?” Shi Qingxuan blurted to disrupt the train of thought.
He Xuan paused and then slowly, as though weighing each word, said “After I died. I don’t need to breathe so it wasn’t hard.”
That jolted Shi Qingxuan out of his thoughts, “Wait, so you just…?” He found he did not have the heart to continue the question, chest tightening.
“Yes, Qingxuan, I spent a lot of time at the bottom of the ocean.”
Shi Qingxuan attempted to imagine that. Attempted to imagine a newly dead He Xuan trying to swim and failing, trying and failing and trying and failing and not having enough motivation to keep trying so he allowed his dead body to sink until he was just sitting there, farther in the ocean than any living creature could or should.
His smile fell.
He Xuan’s expression began to drop too and Shi Qingxuan, not wanting to hurt his mood, hastily got out, “I’m going to step further in now so I’m actually swimming.”
“Not swimming, just treading.” He Xuan gently corrected, “You need to learn how to exist in the water before you’re moving in it.”
“Right.” So Shi Qingxuan did, cautiously jumping forward where he was no longer tall enough to stand. And then he panicked. And flailed. And dropped like a stone, spluttering into the watery abyss. In his shock, he very nearly breathed in only remembering himself at the last second but that did not stop him from foolishly opening his eyes— he regretted it when they immediately began to sting. Maybe it was bad technique, or maybe he was not moving fast enough, either way, he lost all direction of up and his lungs began to burn. Still, he did not fear, not when he knew He Xuan was right there.
Just as he thought that there came a water-distorted sigh and then He Xuan caught him, grabbing him by the waist and hoisting him up above the water. Shi Qingxuan coughed at first because he had inhaled some of the lake and then dramatically just to annoy He Xuan. Rubbing at his aching eyes he managed to see He Xuan’s lips twitch into the beginning of a smile and Shi Qingxuan grinned and stopped. The grin became sweeter when He Xuan still did not let go of him.
Shi Qingxuan smacked his lips together, face twisted. “It tastes salty. And bad. I feel like my mouth is drying out.”
“That’s because it’s a saline lake,” He Xuan replied, still seemingly in no hurry to put Shi Qingxuan down. Not that Shi Qingxuan was complaining, of course.
He wrapped his legs around He Xuan’s hips to better keep himself up and He Xuan chuckled in response, repositioning his hand to better hold Shi Qingxuan up.
That was when He Xuan asked.
“Move in with me.”
The question, or rather demand, was so unexpected that Shi Qingxuan likely would have drowned for real if He Xuan had not been holding him up. Really, he should not have been so surprised-- he knew that He Xuan worried about how he was living on the streets. But also it was He Xuan! And it was him! And he still could not quite believe in He Xuan’s love. It was not for lack of showing it, because he did show it every day, all the time, but rather a result of everything that had been between them for so long.
Now that the walls they had built up had been torn down, and the obstacles in their path destroyed, normalcy felt too good to be true.
“R- really? Is this a joke?” Shi Qingxuan stammered.
This was dramatic of him. He was certain this was dramatic of him. It was not like He Xuan was asking to marry him! Yet, it still seemed like a big deal that He Xuan, incredibly private and aloof, would ask this of Shi Qingxuan.
His heart raced.
“Move in with me.” He Xuan repeated and of course, Shi Qingxuan knew He Xuan had no reason to joke, and no likelihood of making a joke like that anyway.
What Shi Qingxuan wanted to do was shout ‘Okay!’ and move to his manor as soon as possible. Though he had not dared let the thought cross his mind he now longed to think of He Xuan’s manor as their manor.
Our manor.
Instead, he hesitated. “I’m super good where I am though, no complaints, so I don’t really mind, you know. I don’t want to be a bother.”
“A bother? You think I’d be here teaching you how to swim—not even—if I thought you were a bother.” He Xuan spoke stiffly and there was real heat in his words. “Move in with me.”
Shi Qingxuan buried his face in He Xuan’s shoulder so that He Xuan would not see how his eyes burned, how tears threatened to fall. It was just from the salt. Definitely. “Okay! Yes Please! I’d love that!”
There was a long pause and then, “Do you still want to learn?”
Shi Qingxuan hardly gave him time to finish speaking before he exclaimed, “No! Let’s go right now!” He Xuan’s answering smile warmed the lake.
After drying themselves off with a spell, it was not hard to move everything. Mainly because Shi Qigxuan owned a total of two ratty blankets that he only kept because he had grown attached to the ragged things, and because it felt wrong to just use everything He Xuan owned.
It proved to be a good thing too when He Xuan brought him in and Shi Qingxuan realized, not for the first time, that He Xuan truly owned nothing. His bed was practically just a flat slab on the ground—“I don’t need to sleep”—he had answered hotly when Shi Qingxuan had questioned him. There was also no furniture—“what would I use that for?”—or a kitchen—“I eat ghosts”—or anything to make it a house and not a wooden box except for the fact that it was separate into individual rooms.
Shi Qingxuan had been in the manor before, obviously, but he had never truly looked around, afraid to intrude. Knowing that He Xuan would find that absurd of him now he ran down the corridors, through every door, laughing at the rusty creaks of the hinges and how every room was exactly the same in its emptiness. “This place could be a maze, you could turn into a maze.” Shi Qingxuan remarked over his shoulder where he knew He Xuan was trailing. “Don’t worry though, I’ll help you find stuff to put in here so it becomes an actual home…” The end of his sentence fell off as he came in front of a door.
There was nothing particularly special about the door in general, except for the fact that it was slightly ajar where the others had been firmly closed, and for the fact that warm light spilled out into the hallway, instead of cold grey gloom. That was enough to cause Shi Qingxuan to grind to a halt, to have the words shrivel on his tongue.
The silence felt thick and uneasy.
“He Xuan, what’s in here?”
“Enter if you want.” Came the only reply.
Shi Qingxuan almost laughed and asked if he was sure, but he had to work on taking He Xuan’s words at face value, at trusting in him, so he moved the door only the slightest.
It did not creak.
He stepped inside.
It was tiny, very tiny, so that if Shi Qingxuan stood in the center of the room and stretched out his arms he would be a fingerbreadth away from either side. It had a single window, small to scale, which was painted a translucent orange so that the cold grey light of his lair flowed in bright, welcoming, and soft. A long table stretched the width of the wall underneath the window. On it sat a cluster of beaded necklaces, perfectly arranged; A vibrant pink feather hat that was hilarious in its ostentatiousness; A worn leather notebook, pages yellowed and spine cracked; And an elegant sleek bronze ring.
Where the rest of the manor was ill-lived, Shi Qingxuan saw not a speck of dust nor one creaky footboard in this strange monument
It was a shrine.
Shi Qingxuan sucked in a sharp breath when he realized. “This… it’s for your family?”
When he looked back He Xuan stood in the entrance, hand on the doorway, and the combination of gloomy grey lighting from the back and vibrant orange-yellow wash from the front made him look like he was standing at the edge of reality and dream, life and death. He nodded.
Not wanting to prod, but curious, Shi Qingxuan shakily asked, “And the objects mean?”
Surprisingly, He Xuan answered freely, almost as though he was burning to say it out loud. “I buried their bodies but I wanted something of them to keep. The notebook was my father’s, the hat my mother’s, the necklace my sister’s and ring my fiance’s.”
Shi Qingxuan had nothing of his brother’s.
“I’ve forgotten their faces and their voices.” A breath. “But I’m glad. It means they didn’t stay ghosts.” It means they got the closure he will never.
Shi Qingxuan nearly said something, nearly fumbled platitudes, but chose to stay silent. Nothing he said could ever be a comfort. He had not known them so saying something aimless like reassuring him that they didn’t blame would only be insulting. Apologizing would just have been worse, it would ring hollow and would only remind him of Shi Qingxuan’s part in their death. Instead, he reached out and took He Xuan’s hand, his presence all he could offer.
He Xuan seemed to be woken out of some memory, looking up from the altar to Shi Qingxuan’s face. Shi Qingxuan had expected to not be able to read the emotion there or to find blame and anger, but there was only a dull sadness.
“You know, at every point in my life, I’ve never been able to imagine what would come next. Every time I have an idea I’m always proved wrong by fate. Up until now, it’s only been cruel to me.”
It felt wrong in front of the remnants of He Xuan’s family but Shi Qingxuan still haltingly asked, “And now?”
“I have you."
When they left, Shi Qingxuan closed the door softly, with the reverence it was due. Transitioning from room to hallway, from warm to cold, it felt a bit like they were placing the past down only to pick up the future. He and He Xuan were not abandoning the history they shared but moving forward together, and it was a precious special thing. As fragile as gossamer, heady as the strongest alcohol, and perhaps the only path.
To move on they had to move on together.
A bubbly emotion sprouted in Shi Qingxuan’s chest that tingled through him even as the day progressed, warming him from head to toe.
Before the night began, at Shi Qingxuan’s behest, they bought a proper bed and oven—the two most important things, he faithfully espoused. Everything else would have to come slowly before Shi Qingxuan had to start wracking up a debt from Hua Cheng too to afford it all.
Neither were anything special but when Shi Qingxuan flung himself onto the plush mattress and sank between the sheets, head on a fluffy pillow it was the most comfortable he had ever been and he sighed with happiness.
“This is the best.” He mumbled into the pillow.
There was a creak and Shi Qingxuan rolled around to see He Xuan coming to lay next to him, a soft look in his eyes. Shi Qingxuan reached up, winding a hand in his hair, and kissed him gently. It was a chaste kiss that he expected He Xuan to intensify but instead, he pulled back, climbed up onto the bed, and pulled Shi Qingxuan against him.
Shi Qingxuan let out a soft breath, pleasantly surprised by the gentleness, and nuzzled into He Xuan’s neck, blanketed in his warmth. “Thank you.”
“What are you thanking me for?”
Shi Qingxuan blushed, “Existing? I don’t know?” but then his tone turned more serious, gentle, “Really, I mean thank you for trusting me.” He meant: thank you for trusting me in your life, thank you for trusting me with your grief, thank you for trusting me with your love, but it was all too much to say. Better to let the understanding flow between them without words, better to let the empty space fill up all the possibilities.
“You don’t give me a choice,” He Xuan huffed and Shi Qingxuan smiled.
“Bold words for someone who just got me to move in with him and who’s sleeping with me right now. Might want to watch what you say.”
He Xuan chuckled, pressing Shi Qingxuan closer, hand on his back, and Shi Qingxuan drank in his scent. Ocean (or saline lake) salt, wind on a wide expanse of rock, wilderness. “Should I?”
Shi Qingxuan nuzzled against him again, kissing his neck softly. “Mhmm.” He mumbled in the affirmative and it was the last thing he said before sleep found him at last.
It was the best he had slept in his life.
—————₊˚.༄—————
Shi Qingxuan was acting strange and He Xuan could not figure out why. Yesterday had gone perfectly in his opinion. The morning had been sweet and comfortable. They had gone out, eaten, no problem. Bought a couch, table, and rug, Shi Qingxuan had been overjoyed. They returned, played around with the fish a little, attempted swimming lessons again, and then the second they returned to his manor Shi Qingxuan had become flighty and giggly in a way he only did when he was hiding something.
He Xuan knew, intellectually, that he should not take it to heart. That he should not jump to conclusions or find meaning where there might not have been any. That did not spare him the worry, nor the cloud of self-loathing that stirred in his chest. Was this what it meant to love someone? He had loved before and it had felt the same. A constant push and pull with himself, one step away from disaster, dangling on the edge of ruining it all at every moment. A guessing game entitled—What Did He Xuan Do Wrong? It made him wish he was incapable of loving if just to spare himself the struggle before his inevitable defeat.
After the second hour spent trying to dissuade Shi Qingxuan from sweeping every nook and cranny of the manor, from checking the shutters, to relighting all the long burnt-out candles, He Xuan had enough.
It was for that reason his, “What?” came out rougher than he intended, cracked over with his upset.
The perpetual stormy light that streamed in through the windows made He Xuan look a bit like a wet cat but Shi Qingxuan managed to look spectacular no matter what. He was crouched by the floor, examining a rusty nail or bent floorboard or scratch in the wood, but he still looked composed; his hair fell in neat waves down his back, and his robes flowed elegantly without wrinkles. It was enough to distract He Xuan from his downward-spiralling thoughts and the question he had just asked. Finally, his attention was drawn back when Shi Qingxuan looked up, face a picture of confusion. “What is it?”
“That’s what I’m asking you.” He Xuan tried to reign back his anger to keep out of his voice and directed at himself where it belonged. It wasn’t that hard when a single look at him had his grievances threatening to fade away and sizzle up into the air.
Shi Qingxuan laughed, but it was a restrained sound, the cry of a bird jumping to flight. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Qingxuan, you’ve been weird ever since we got home. What is it?” It was only once the words had left his lips that he realized he had called it their home and it felt a bit like missing a step down the stairs. A smile wanted to tug at his lips but his stomach clenched. Loving meant second-guessing, but it also meant the gradual shift of language tiny changes in routine.
It was transformative, even in the smallest of ways.
“Ah, nothing, it’s, it’s silly.” Shi Qingxuan babbled.
He Xuan frowned, hoping it conveyed the full weight of his displeasure.
He must have succeeded because without another word Shi Qingxuan was flopping onto the floor dramatically. “Okay. I guess you could say I feel—just a small amount, teeny bit—like it isn’t actually mine. I mean ours! Not ‘cause it’s literally Black Water Nether Manor but also… I didn’t really bring anything with me. So the place is yours, the domain is yours, and I’m just here.”
And the game came to an end—He Xuan had his answer. It rooted him to the spot violently and left him standing there for perhaps what was too long, mind turning over and discarding possible response after possible response. It was only when Shi Qingxuan looked up, worry plain in his eyes, that He Xuan remembered to speak. And that was why, somehow, he ended up blurting out, “Want to decorate?”
Shi Qingxuan blinked at him. “Come again?”
He Xuan reached down and, when Shi Qingxuan took his hand, helped him up off the floor, pulling Shi Qingxuan against him. Shi Qingxuan was sweating, no surprise from how he had been marshaling himself around the manor here and there to no end, and he leaned into He Xuan’s colder form with a smile.
He Xuan elaborated stiffly, “Make it yours.” Shi Qingxuan could fill the space with little trinkets and baubles, string up streamers, or paint the walls, He Xuan didn’t care, he would accept all of it. He wanted to make a little door in his heart and hollow it out, allow him to climb inside and make a home there. It unnerved He Xuan, the depth of what he felt for him, the breadth of what he would do for him. Unnerved him enough to want to push him away, but wasn’t that a constant struggle he felt?
Yet that did not change how fiercely He Xuan cared for him. So he could buy whatever he wanted to fill the manor if it made him feel like he had a space there.
“Ours.” Shi Qingxuan corrected again and then a grin stretched onto his face. “Yes! Please! Can we?”
That was how He Xuan found himself dragged by the arm to store after store, one after the other. The relentless sun beat down but he was moved from place to place so quickly he had no time to be under its heat, or in the protection of the shade, for any real length of time at all.
Another door pushed open, another door chime tinkling at the entrance, and He Xuan grumbled, “What are you looking for?”
Shi Qingxuan had already admired a small jewelry box, decorated with a particularly large bow, and also frowned and turned away from it to the next thing in the span it took him to formulate and ask the question. Shi Qingxuan’s attention was now fixed on a tall floral vase with a rounded top, and he ran a finger down its side looking as though to be inspecting its integrity. Cheerfully, he chirped, “Nothing in particular! Just whatever strikes my fancy; I don’t have anything in mind.”
He Xuan followed close behind him as he moved from object to object, feeling a bit like a shadow. “What things did you like before?”
He turned to face He Xuan then, scratching his head as he smiled sheepishly. “Well, neither of us would be able to afford those things.”
He Xuan scowled. It was true but infuriating. How did Crimson Rain even make his money? No way it was all from that gambling den… were people just paying him tithes or offerings or something? Should he start looking into a secondary career? (If being a ghost king could be considered a primary one)
Disregarding that He Xuan continued, “If they weren’t, though?”
Shi Qingxuan turned the vase over again, “Well, I used to love putting up flower displays everywhere but none of these are really catching my eye, you know?”
He Xuan’s lips flattened. “Mn.”
“It’s okay though, I’m sure I’ll find something.” Shi Qingxuan said with a smile but it looked strained and He Xuan could see the shadows in his eyes, the memories of how his life used to be. He Xuan had taken that from him. Shi Qingxuan had taken from him first. He gritted his teeth.
“Can I help you?” Came an excruciatingly annoying question from the shopkeeper—who perked up behind the counter with a sleazy smile and greedy eyes—and He Xuan had to stifle the urge to punch him into tomorrow, or at least into the next city over. “I have a wide range of collections that may be to your taste.”
He Xuan turned to the man, not deigning to speak, and the shopkeeper visibly flinched, fanning his forehead where he had started to sweat. “B- But I’m sure you are both capable and don’t need my help.” The man yelped.
“Oh no, we’re fine but thank you for offering!” Shi Qingxuan answered though not without shooting He Xuan a nervous glance at his obvious displeasure.
He Xuan really could not bring himself to feel guilty but he did tear his frosty gaze from the shopkeeper and ease off. “Well, there are other places, we can keep looking.”
Shi Qingxuan nodded but did not look like he really heard and he went back to spinning the vase over again. He Xuan wondered what he was thinking. He wondered if Shi Qingxuan really didn’t like his— their— manor and his protests about being a bother had just been an excuse.
The shopkeeper cleared his throat, “If I can assist,” he squeaked ‘assist’ as He Xuan’s razor-sharp glare was fixed on him again. He had a bald pate that only revealed his sweating more as he picked up a fan, fanning himself aggressively. “I have another section just behind that door to my left, it’s a storage room, new wares, I don’t normally show it to customers but no matter, you two can just go ahead.”
Shi Qingxuan babbled in response, trying to wave him off and claim that it was alright but He Xuan nodded, caught him gently by the wrist, and dragged him through to the back as he stammered protests behind him.
He continued to protest until He Xuan paused and faced him. When he did Shi Qingxuan’s words faded, his expression looked to melt, and He Xuan wondered what his own face must have shown. This time when Shi Qingxuan smiled it seemed much more genuine than before. “He-Xiong…”
“You’re going to find something you like.” He grumped and Shi Qingxuan laced their hands together. He Xuan loved it, loved the stability of his presence, the warmth of Shi Qingxuan’s palm against his cold dead one. Sometimes, He Xuan felt like he was sucking the warmth out of him from that contact but he selfishly wanted it ever the more.
“Thank you for caring so much, I’m being silly.” Shi Qingxuan mumbled, jumping up on his toes to kiss him, though he overshot a little bit and kissed the side of his mouth instead. He Xuan smiled.
How endearing.
He Xuan would have taken that opportunity to redirect his aim, enfold him in his arms, kiss him until both of them couldn’t think properly, but he didn’t want him to think that he was trying to distract him.
“Not silly.”
Shi Qingxuan’s smile sweetened. “You can help me look, just give me a shout if you find something you think I’ll like. I trust you.”
“That makes no sense.” He Xuan responded stiffly.
“Well it’s not mine or yours, it’s ours, so you find it and I like it. It’s perfect.” Before He Xuan could even come up with something to say to that he was bounding over to a corner with a, “I’ll look here!”
He Xuan stared at him for a long moment before startling himself to begin searching.
Well, it was definetly a storage room.
For a small space, it was crammed floor to ceiling with boxes and clutter and lined with thin shelves that looked moments from buckling under the assorted weights and wares piled on top of it. Plainly, it was a mess.
There was nothing particularly interesting or exciting at first glance, though there was a lot.
He Xuan froze when he saw it, a glimmer like a diamond catching the light just in the corner of his vision. Dimly, he was aware of Shi Qingxuan flitting to another decoration with a soft exclamation (he was always aware of him, his presence constantly a fixture in his mind) so he took the opportunity to bend down, shift a few things to the side, and there. It was a box.
It was a beautiful box.
About the size of his palm, it was fashioned of sparkling glass and encrusted with jewels that glittered brilliantly even from the low light that poured in from the cracked open door.
Shi Qingxuan’s smile was a little like it.
But, while it was beautiful it was just a box, and that wasn’t fit for Shi Qingxuan or a house. Still, he picked it up gingerly, turning it around over, running his fingers over the seams. Halfway to placing it back down, he paused, feeling what suspiciously felt like a latch.
He swung it open.
A soothing tinkling filled the air, a soft melody that was both melancholy and uplifting as it played. The inside was painted to look like an ocean, with an assortment of blues and the white of sea foam, with a small bird figurine perched inside, wings tucked as it rode the waves. Something about the gentle tune settled a tranquil atmosphere over him. It seeped into his bones and muscles to such an extent he would have thought it was enchanted if he hadn’t been able to see there was no aura of any ghostly or demonic influence.
No matter how entranced he was by it, however, he noticed Shi Qingxuan gravitate towards him, absent his usual chatter, to stare wide-eyed at the contraption. “What is it?” He whispered.
He Xuan turned it over but before he could respond the music ground to a halt with a series of clicks. As it did the small bird figurine, which had been bobbing up and down to the tune stuttered to a stop.
He Xuan scowled.
“Oh!” Shi Qingxuan exclaimed and he passed it to him as he reached towards it. “What happened?”
“I don’t know.” He Xuan’s scowl seeped into his voice. “Nevermind. Let’s keep looking.”
Shi Qingxuan swatted his hand away, “No, don’t give up so easily, I’m sure it can be fixed!”
“Why?”
“I like it! I really like it! Look He-xiong, it’s us on the inside—I’m the bird.” He fiddled with the little bird sculpture as he spoke.
Click
He had been patting it on the head with a finger when all of a sudden it dipped down. When it did a discordant screech came from the box, similar to the music that had been playing before but out of tune and high-pitched.
“Is it broken?”
They both looked at each other with mirror confusion, though Shi Qingxuan’s was tinged with curiosity while He Xuan’s annoyance. Cautiously, Shi Qingxuan pressed it down again, and once more it garbled out noise. “Oh wait!” This time instead of patting the bird’s tiny head he started to turn it. There was clearly some resistance but it did turn, softly clanking as it did and each revolution was followed by a soft note released into the air. Eyes shining, he wound it up until it would wind no more and when he released it it began to bob up and down as it had before, singing the original sweet tune.
In silence, they listened to the bird sing until it came to a stop once more and when Shi Qingxuan looked up from it his eyes shone with delight. He was smiling so wide it looked like it hurt. “I need this! It’s so pretty, it’s so cute, it’s literally us! How much do you think it is?”
It didn’t matter. He Xuan wouldn’t leave without it, not when he was looking at him like that.
In the end, they got it for free.
The shopkeeper tried, first, to make them pay an outrageous amount. So outrageous that Shi Qingxuan nearly choked upon hearing it. One glare and sharp “No” from He Xuan and the man jumped out of his skin, terror so plain on his face He Xuan actually thought he’d caused the man to die of fright for a moment. While Hua Cheng could get what he wanted through his ‘charm’ He Xuan was more adept at intimidation, the idea that he could charm anyone was laughable. Eventually, the shopkeeper said they could take it on him and He Xuan did just that.
Shi Qingxuan was practically vibrating with delight once they stepped out under the setting sun, winding it up again and again, his delighted laughter making it all the more beautiful to hear.
By the time they got back to the manor Shi Qingxuan’s arms were much more full than before carrying everything he had bought. He Xuan had tried, several times, to lighten his load and carry some of it but he evaded every attempt with the finesse of the wind he was once the master of.
That was why he stumbled into the doorway, almost dropping everything at every step before making his way to the table and dumping his haul. There was the sparkling glass music box, a navy vase with a round bottom and tapered top ornately patterned, and a small sculpture of a little fluffy brown dog, perching up on his hind legs. In the vase was a bouquet of white lilies he had plucked as they went, which stood pristine and strong, not wilting in the slightest.
“What do you think?” Shi Qingxuan stood back, hands on his hips and a vibrant grin on his face. “I’m really glad we did this.”
“Me too.” He Xuan agreed but, while his words were truthful, nausea sprouted in his stomach. It hit him then, the truth of it. The point of buying the music box, the vase, and the sculpture, had been to bring parts of Shi Qingxuan to the manor so that he too could feel at home, but now the thought of it felt like he was being caged again, thrown in prison again for a crime he didn’t commit. At the end of it, after everything was said and done, he was still a ghost, he still existed for revenge he would never get, he would forever be haunted by his life, and by his death. He had already forgiven Shi Qingxuan for his part in it but He Xuan could not cut out the pieces of himself that feared getting close. Now he was vulnerable, now Shi Qingxuan understood him in a way others did not, now he could hurt him if he wanted to.
He Xuan tried, and tried, and tried, to push past this, tried to do whatever it would take, give whatever he could, to silence the voice in his head that screamed this would only bring him more pain. That everything could only bring him more pain. He opened the doors to his manor, he gave Shi Qingxuan his touch, what more would it take? He didn’t have anything left to give.
He didn’t realize his hand had made a fist at his side, nails digging into the soft flesh of his palm, until Shi Qingxuan was physically uncurling his fingers. Shi Qingxuan squinted at him, brows furrowing, obviously realizing something was wrong. He stared at him for a long moment and then reached up, taking He Xuan’s face in his hands. Only then did Shi Qingxuan smile. He Xuan had gotten good at reading his various smiles and what they meant; this one was half parts nervous, half parts reassuring. “He-xiong—” he began.
For some reason when He Xuan looked him in the eyes the fear (though he would never call it that) began to fade away. The pain in his heart, the pressure on his chest, seemed to lessen even if it was not entirely forgotten. He knew he should have rebelled against that too, this was the problem, excising this was the only way to stay safe. And yet, he couldn’t. Shi Qingxuan was his refuge, not that he ever had the words to describe that. Sometimes it felt like saying it out loud would shatter that fragile peace and make it untrue, make him a liar.
Shi Qingxuan continued, “—I know this is a really big deal for you—I mean I’m guessing, yell at me if I’m wrong—so if you’ve changed your mind it’s really fine.”
“No.” He Xuan said, almost as quickly as he could.
His smile grew. “Then I’m so so happy to get to be with you.” He was blushing but it was clear every word was sincere. “I meant it last night, thank you, really.” And He Xuan knew, without needing to confirm it, that he meant: thank you for trusting me in your life, thank you for trusting me with your home, thank you for trusting me with your love, but it was all too much to say.
At the end of the day, He Xuan had never been one for words, so he wouldn’t have known how to respond even if he tried. Everything he wanted to say would get clogged in his throat, he’d choke on it long before being able to speak.
Instead, He Xuan did as he had when Shi Qingxuan confessed and when he was at a loss for words but wanted him to feel his sincerity too. He kissed Shi Qingxuan with need, wasting no time, gripping his hips to steady both of them. Shi Qingxuan surged against him and He Xuan licked against the seam of his lips, pressing into his mouth, relishing the warm heat and the moan it earned him as Shi Qingxuan shivered. Both of them had moderate experience, He Xuan with his fiance and Shi Qingxuan with the various trysts he had hidden from his brother’s overprotective prying eyes, so Shi Qingxuan was able to match his enthusiasm. Gripping his robes Shi Qingxuan sucked on his lower lip, biting gently, and He Xuan groaned. He felt like he was losing his mind. Urgency gripped him until he was carding his free hand through Shi Qingxuan’s hair nearly feverishly, he wanted Shi Qingxuan so bad if he had needed to breathe he wouldn’t have been able to. And then Shi Qingxuan pressed forward, rocking against him and it was Shi Qingxuan’s turn to groan as they both felt just how interested the other was.
Shi Qingxuan gasped He Xuan’s name as He Xuan lowered his head to kiss his neck, biting just enough that he drew in a breath and then whined. “He Xuan, He-xiong, I think we should-”
He Xuan silenced him with a kiss that was decidedly more messy than before as their desperation mounted. Shi Qingxuan laughed against his mouth and he opened his eyes to see Shi Qingxuan staring at him too, eyes squinted into crescents. It detonated a second explosion of heat through his body, the warmth that had already been spreading through his blood and becoming flame. His heart beat fitfully and he thought it might just burst to avenge how he was pushing it. If it did not he would, his body and brain were not made to contain the emotions he felt in that moment.
He pushed Shi Qingxuan backward but walked with him so he would not stumble until his back hit the door to the bedroom. Shi Qingxuan laughed and felt around until he was pushing it open and practically running to the bed. He Xuan knew he painted quite a picture, eyes dark, lips curled into a smirk, but they were lovely. He wanted to drink in the sight of his kiss-bitten lips, flushed cheeks, rumpled clothing. Forever.
Shi Qingxuan was his sun.
He was truly his sun.
“Are we going to break in the new bed?” Laughter danced in his eyes, in his smile, and oh He Xuan loved him. It wasn’t until Shi Qingxuan was laughing out loud that He Xuan realized he hadn’t answered.
Now, He Xuan did not blush. So if Shi Qingxuan ever claimed that he had he would say that was a lie. “Yes.”
And with that, He Xuan let himself be pulled down on top of him, kissing him until he had to push He Xuan back to breathe. Then he was hooking a finger into Shi Qingxuan’s sash and easily undoing it, the thin fabric not holding well in the best of times so it caved without resistance to his pull. Shi Qingxuan shivered as they both worked to tug his robes off of him and He Xuan kissed him again, pressed his mouth everywhere it could reach. He filed away every moan, gasp, and whine, every sound, into his heart to create the scaffolding to hold it up; he folded it around his ribs to replace the muscles that had long since shriveled and decayed; he stuffed it inside his hollowing bones and felt new life fill him up.
“S- Should I switch forms?” Shi Qingxuan stammered, unsteady, eyes blown wide and hazy with desire and lust and it was too much to bear. He had asked that the first time and He Xuan’s answer was the same.
“Whatever you want.” He Xuan murmured against the hollow Shi Qingxuan’s throat.
Shi Qingxuan hesitated and then laid back, giving He Xuan access to kiss his neck once more. “Take off your clothes.”
He Xuan smirked and did as told.
He Xuan had never cared that he was naturally colder but right now he hungered for Shi Qingxuan’s warmth, craved it like his body had once craved the air. The force of his love was literally reminding him what it meant to be alive and he was swallowing stardust that trickled down his throat with every one of Shi Qingxuan’s gasps that he captured.
And when they were done, laying in each other’s arms breathless and sweaty and happy and sated the idea of Shi Qingxuan’s presence for the foreseeable future no longer felt as scary. In the place of his fear had grown a steady wind, that blew softly and gently to caress his wounds that had not seen the daylight.
Against all of his expectations, against every instinct, he welcomed it.