Work Text:
Dr Wyatt narrowed her eyes at the surgeon sitting bolt up right on her sofa, arms crossed and completely closed. She'd been seeing Erica Hahn on and off since she'd started working at Seattle Grace, and whilst she'd never been the most open of patients, Wyatt had been a little taken back at how closed and defensive Hahn had been for the past few sessions. They'd be sitting in a sort of uneasy silence for the past ten minutes, Wyatt quietly watching Hahn, Hahn trying her best not to look at Wyatt.
Wyatt closed her notebook and sat forward in her chair: "You're angry."
"Yes."
"At yourself?"
"Ye... No! I'm angry at him, he's pushing me to do something that... that I can't do. If I operate on Walter Tapely, I will kill him."
"And you're worried what people will think?"
"It's got nothing to do with that! This is about whether or not I should take the biggest risk of my career and kill God!"
"So you don't want the risk? But you're a surgeon, every time you open someone up you take a risk."
"It's not the same thing."
"How? How is operating on Walter Tapely different to any other surgery?"
"He's Walter Tapely!"
"So you keep saying, but how does that change the outcome?"
"Walter Tapely will be dead and I will be the surgeon to have killed him!"
"Again, how does the fact he's Walter Tapely change things? Is there a chance he could live?"
Hahn sighed and shifted her weight. "A slight one."
"So he might not die?"
"He will die."
"How can you be so sure of that?" Hahn didn't answer. "Erica?"
"... I can't do this."
"You can't do the surgery? Why not?"
"I... I just can't."
"Is that what you're going to tell the Chief? You can't do the surgery because you're too scared to?"
"That's not what I said!"
"You don't have to say it." Wyatt sat back and contemplated Hahn. "This isn't about Tapely is it?"
"Excuse me?"
"This is about something else...Preston Burke?" Hahn scoffed. "So not about Preston Burke." She narrowed her eyes slightly, "Callie?" Hahn didn't need to say anything, the look of utter defeat and fear in the other woman's eyes said it all. "You're in love with her."
Hahn laughed: "I'm not gay."
"I didn't say you were." Wyatt gave her a sympathetic smile, "Erica, it's okay. You're allowed to have feelings, you're allowed to want something more."
"This is nothing to do with my personal life, and I'm not in love with anybody!"
"Do you remember why you first came to see me? You said that you thought you'd made friends with someone but you weren't sure because she'd suddenly started to avoid you and you didn't know what you'd done... do you remember what I told you?"
"You told me to tell her how I feel."
"And?"
"I told I don't make friends easily."
"But that's not what you wanted to say. What did you want to say?"
"I wanted to tell her that she'd hurt me, and that I missed her, that I was sorry... but I didn't know how to."
"But that's what you did."
"Wha-- I... what?"
"You told her you didn't make friends easily, that was a big step, that was something she understood. You never did tell me why she was avoiding you."
"Because it's none of your business."
"No, but it effected you."
"Yes, it effected me."
"So what happened?"
"No, I am not doing this. I came to talk to you about Walter Tapely, not about... well, not about my personal life." She grabbed her lab coat off the back of the sofa and made a move for the door.
"Tell me what happened. You obviously want to talk about it."
"I don't."
"Why?"
"Why? Because it's none of your business! And if I start to tell you, you'll want to hear more and I..."
"Erica, sit down." A little reluctantly, Hahn took her hand from the door knob and moved back to the sofa. She flicked her lab coat over the back and flopped back down onto the sofa. "You're not a computer, you can't just file your feelings away. You have to start dealing with them."
"She was avoiding me because Addison thought we were a couple."
"That bothered you?"
"No... it bothered her."
"Why didn't it bother you?"
She shrugged; "I don't know. I suppose it just never occurred to me... She's sleeping with Sloan."
"And that bothers you?"
"Yes that bothers me!"
"Why?"
"Why? Because he's... he's a whore, and he doesn't deserve her. She deserves someone who'll treat her properly."
"And Sloan doesn't?"
"It's just sex. She deserves to have an equal, someone who loves her."
"Would you like to be more than friends with her?"
"I'm not gay."
"Sexual identity and love are two very separate things. Have you had feelings for another woman before?"
"Sort of."
"Sort of?"
"At med school there was someone... one of the instructors. I wasn't attracted to her... I was attracted her skills, her confidence... she was everything I wanted to be."
"And with Callie?"
"I... she..."
"It's okay."
"No, it's not okay! I have to make a decision that could effect the rest of my surgical career and all I can think about is kissing her." It was out before Hahn could stop herself.
Wyatt regarded her for a moment. "What's stopping you?"
Hahn gave an uneasy laugh and absently mindedly tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "It would be a very, very bad thing."
"It would?"
"Yes, it would. She freaked out when Addison suggested we might be a couple, just think how much she would freak out if I kissed her or even said I wanted to kiss her. I don't know what I am, but she's straight, so... so straight."
"Is it possible she's using Sloan to work out how she feels about you?"
"That's ridiculous."
"You said she freaked out when Addison thought you were a couple... when did she start sleeping with him?"
"I... I don't know. Maybe after... I... don't know."
"But you two are friends."
"It's been kinda awkward since..."
"Since Addison suggested you might be a couple?"
An insistent knocking rescued Hahn, "are you going to answer that?"