Work Text:
9:31 a.m.
Delay: 1 minute
Text stream: 404-804, Bruce Banner
404-804: This is an automated message from American Airlines informing you that Flight #616 is delayed. Please see the gate agent for more information, and thank you for flying American Airlines.
==
10:07 a.m.
Delay: 37 minutes
Text stream: Tony Stark, Pepper Potts
Me: help
Me: help
Me: help. urgent. 911. code red. seven klaxons. battle stations.
Me: seriously pepper
Me: PEPPER HELP ME!!!!!!!!
P. Potts, Queen of my Social Security Number: What now, Tony?
P. Potts, Queen of my Social Security Number: Your passport is in the third pocket of your briefcase. Not the one you always think it’s in, but the other.
P. Potts, Queen of my Social Security Number: Your boarding pass is with Bruce. Because you lost it last week.
P. Potts, Queen of my Social Security Number: Twice.
Me: first: ha ha very funny you should take that act on the road
Me: second: our flight is delayed for the foreseeable future
Me: morale has crashed
Me: my children might revolt
P. Potts, Queen of my Social Security Number: And I’m supposed to do what, exactly?
Me: call the airline and rebook us
P. Potts, Queen of my Social Security Number: Ignoring the fact that any flight coming from the East Coast will be delayed because of weather? No.
Me: pepper. pep. my oldest and dearest friend and yes that is including my husband (never forward him this text message stream)
Me: please
Me: I beg you
Me: I will do seriously anything. name it. want a yacht? I can get you a yacht.
==
10:08 a.m.
Delay: 38 minutes
Text stream: Natasha Romanoff, Tony Stark
Masque of the Russian Death: Tony?
Me: oh good. natasha. please tell me you’ve talked some sense into your charming but sometimes completely useless girlfriend.
Masque of the Russian Death: We’re blocking your number until noon.
==
10:42 a.m.
Delay: 72 minutes
Group message: Clint Barton, Bruce Banner, Natasha Romanoff
Clint Barton: melted down yet?
Me: What am I allegedly melting down about?
Natasha Romanoff: Your delayed flight.
Clint Barton: word gets around fast
Natasha Romanoff: Since Tony’s with you, Bucky started a betting pool. Odds are two to one that you’ll be divorced before your layover.
Clint Barton: i bet you’d be divorced before takeoff
Me: Your faith is touching.
Clint Barton: i do what i can.
Natasha Romanoff: I had to block Tony on Pepper’s phone. Is he still alive?
Me: Surprisingly, yes. He’s talking to a gate agent about whether we can make our connection.
Me: And before you ask, no, the children have not staged an uprising using music from Les Miserables. Amy is watching something on the iPad, Miles is texting with one of his friends, and Teddy
Clint Barton: did your phone die?
Me: I think we slightly misplaced Teddy.
Me: In our defense, he is seventeen and probably looking for reception to text Billy. The wifi keeps cutting out, and he’s out of data for the month. But otherwise, we’re fine.
Natasha Romanoff: You sure?
Clint Barton: we can send backup.
Me: Yes, I’m absolutely s
Me: Tony just started shouting at the gate agent I’ll be right back
==
11:28 a.m.
Delay: 118 minutes
Text stream: Miles Morales, Ganke Lee
Me: IM GOING NUTS!!!!!!!
The Gankster: whoa hey
The Gankster: down a notch
The Gankster: we talked abt internet yelling not cool
Me: sry
Me: the airports boring
Me: amy took the ipad so i cant watch n e thing
Me: the wifis shitty
Me: dads yelling at the lady at the counter
The Gankster: dads as in both??????
Me: no sry just t
Me: b mostly looks tired
Me: stupid canada vacay not worth this
The Gankster: u just super miss bree already dont u????
Me: ugh
Me: shut up
Me: (yes)
==
12:01 p.m.
Delay: 151 minutes
Text stream: Tony Stark, Pepper Potts
Me: I may be slightly banned from talking to the gate agent. possibly forever.
P. Potts, Queen of my Social Security Number: By Bruce or by American Airlines?
Me: yeah I am exercising my right against self-incrimination on that one
==
12:53 p.m.
Delay: 203 minutes
Text stream: Teddy Altman, Billy Kaplan
Me: i miss you
Me: i know i saw you last night but after everything we talked about, all the future stuff, that’s really not enough. you know?
Me: we’re stuck in the airport, and instead of wanting to be with my family, i just want to see you again.
ALERT: No internet or data connection. Please reconnect and resend your messages.
Me: I HATE THIS STUPID PHONE SO MUCH
==
1:32 p.m.
Delay: 242 minutes
Text stream: Tony Stark, Pepper Potts
Me: boston is a stupid city
Me: totally useless
Me: exists only to provide the world with stupid accents and to generally ruin my life
P. Potts, Queen of my Social Security Number: Home of your alma mater?
Me: nope
Me: mit is officially dead to me thanks to bad weather screwing up our flights
P. Potts, Queen of my Social Security Number: Do I need to show up at the airport with an old priest and a young priest?
Me: no
Me: at least not yet
==
1:33 p.m.
Delay: 243 minutes
Group message: Bruce Banner, Clint Barton, Natasha Romanoff
Me: Can I put fifty dollars on “divorced by the time we reach our layover,” please?
Clint Barton: ouch
Clint Barton: and not to sound unsympathetic: still think you’ll survive til you take off?
Natasha Romanoff: I just hit him in the arm for you.
Me: Thanks.
Clint Barton: and we’re not in court if you need to talk or something
Me: I don’t necessarily need to talk. I just need our flight to either leave Boston or get cancelled.
Me: Amy’s out of My Little Pony episodes, and the wifi is too spotty for streaming, so she’s chasing down dogs and babies. We’ve lost her three times in the last half-hour. One family brought her to the gate when she refused to stop talking to their toddler.
Me: Miles is lying on the floor by the garbage cans because he can’t find an open outlet anywhere else. And judging from how long he’s spent playing Candy Crush, he figured out Tony’s iTunes password again.
Me: Teddy keeps swearing at his phone but avoiding all other eye contact.
Natasha Romanoff: And Tony?
Clint Barton: don’t ask. asking that leads to madness. and spouse-icide.
Me: He’s demoralized.
Me: He picked this conference on purpose because he wanted us to all go to Ontario as a family. He feels responsible. Also, the gate agent placed a line of masking tape on the carpet five feet from the counter and told him to stay behind it at all times. I’m surprised she didn’t call airport security.
Clint Barton: least she didn’t tape him to you?
Me: That might be the next step. Or he’ll invent masking tape handcuffs to keep him and Amy together, because at this rate
Me: Hold on lost Amy again back soon
Natasha Romanoff: Next time Tony suggests you all go on vacation together, say no.
==
2:09 p.m.
Delay: 279 minutes
Text stream: Miles Morales, Ganke Lee
Me: u kno how bree said its not like well stay 2gether
The Gankster: no
The Gankster: what????
Me: when we kinda broke up cause of her dad
Me: she said he said we r too young to wry abt staying 2gether and wed probly break up by high school
The Gankster: kinda i guess. why??????
Me: theres a rly cute girl going to indiana and i wanna go talk to her
The Gankster: bree basically has the force shell know you talked to another girl
Me: just for like 5 min
The Gankster: do u think ur dadsll let me talk at ur funeral
Me: ill try to take a selfie and send it to u
The Gankster: i promise ill cry and everything
==
2:41 p.m.
Delay: 311 minutes
Text stream: Steve Rogers, Tony Stark
Agent of Love and Justice, Sailor Rogers: Dot says her favorite episode of My Little Pony is the one with the sonic flying boom, but that the zebra one is her second favorite.
Me: you don’t need to start every text with dot says. no one is going to think you’re the one who harbors a deep love for mlp:fim
Agent of Love and Justice, Sailor Rogers: Am I supposed to recognize that acronym?
Me: seriously how do you manage to communicate with your six year old? also amy wants to know if dot watched wild kratts yet because she wants to discuss lemurs
Agent of Love and Justice, Sailor Rogers: We’re trying to cut down on her screen time and encourage her to read more, so no. Remind me why we’re doing this again?
Me: cutting down on her screen time? no idea. sounds futile. add wild kratts to the approved list it’s mostly educational. does dot want to play dollhouses when we’re back from ontario?
Agent of Love and Justice, Sailor Rogers: I meant why we’re serving as proxies for our daughters, but yes. Dot would like to play dollhouses. But only if they can play Barbies, too.
Me: we’re being proxies because amy decided it was unfair that her brothers can text their friends but she needs to sit quietly and wait for netflix to buffer. plus it keeps her from running off to abduct toddlers and service animals
Agent of Love and Justice, Sailor Rogers: Should I be worried about that last sentence?
Me: only in the sense that I’m shocked nobody’s called jessica jones to report an unattended foster child chasing dogs through the airport. now is dot bringing her barbies to our house or is amy bringing hers to yours? inquiring minds want to know.
Agent of Love and Justice, Sailor Rogers: I’m sometimes still shocked that you’re a father.
Agent of Love and Justice, Sailor Rogers: But in response to your question: Barbies at our house.
==
3:16 p.m.
Delay: 346 minutes
Text stream: Miles Morales, Teddy Altman
Me: do u believe in soulmates
Brother T: again?
Brother T: miles, we can’t have this conversation every week, okay?
Me: i just dont know if bree is my soulmate or if there are other girls like the cute one going to indiana
Brother T: you’re too young to worry about soulmates
Me: and ur not
Brother T: it’s different with me and billy. but look, like i’ve said about a hundred times now, i think everyone has a person. i just don’t know if that means soulmates or something else.
Me: ok
Brother T: and anyway— wait. are you getting my messages?
Me: yeah why
==
3:17 p.m.
Delay: 347 minutes
Text stream: Teddy Altman, Billy Kaplan
Me: okay, since i have internet again for a minute: i love you. that’s it. i just want to say that i love you and i’ll see you in four days.
ALERT: No internet or data connection. Please reconnect and resend your messages.
Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH
==
4:05 p.m.
Delay: 395 minutes
Text stream: Tony Stark, Pepper Potts
Me: this is how I die
Me: stranded in a nominally international airport
Me: surrounded by my disgruntled children and exhausted husband but still utterly alone
Me: someday when they make a documentary about my life they’ll show this moment. slouched in an uncomfortable chair disheveled and hopeless
Me: and all because I wanted to take my family to ontario in the winter
P. Potts, Queen of my Social Security Number: Tony?
Me: no don’t try to comfort me. it’s too late. all I ask is that you make sure bruce remarries someone homely. no higher than a five on a ten scale.
P. Potts, Queen of my Social Security Number: I’m going to gloss over how gross that statement is to tell you that the flight from Boston took off an hour ago. Your new estimated departure time is 5:30 p.m.
Me: pepper potts, you are a glorious spot of sunshine in an otherwise dark life
P. Potts, Queen of my Social Security Number: I know. Now go tell your family the good news.
==
5:29 p.m.
Delay: 479 minutes
Group message: Bruce Banner, Natasha Romanoff, Clint Barton
Me: In case it affects the betting pool: as we boarded, Tony informed the flight attendants that we’ll be buying drinks for everyone in the cabin.
Natasha Romanoff: With or without your approval?
Me: Do you really need to ask?
Clint Barton: you okay with that?
Me: Technically, the Stark fortune is not my money.
Natasha Romanoff: And less technically?
Me: After the day we just had? He’s buying me two. It’s the least he can do.
Natasha Romanoff: Good answer.