Work Text:
Misato hesitated at the door, the sign taunting her, daring her to knock.
He probably didn’t want to talk. He rarely did.
But she knocked anyway.
“Shinji?” she asked.
There was no sound on the other side.
“I’m coming in.”
Still no response.
She slid the door open.
The room was dark, the curtains above his bed drawn closed.
Shinji lay there on his side. Misato knew he wasn’t asleep.
She went over and sat on the end of his bed.
He had his earphones in.
“Today was a lot, huh?” she said.
Silence.
“I know this is hard on you,” she continued, “but you’re doing the right thing. You know that, right?”
Misato could hear Shinji’s music through his earphones, loud and cheerful. The opposite of how he felt.
“... I’m proud of you for not running away today. I know it must’ve taken a lot of effort.”
Shinji’s hand twitched. The Music came to a stop.
“What can I do for you, Shinji? How can I make this all easier for you?”
Not a word. He rewound the song.
“Why won’t you say anything?”
Misato glanced at him. His expression was empty. Misato hated that look. It reminded her too much of herself.
“Shinji, say something. Stop making that face.”
Shinji blinked. Could he even hear her?
“Shinji.”
No response.
Misato reached over and pulled out his earphone. He winced.
“Shinji, why won’t you talk to me?”
Shinji wouldn’t meet her eyes.
“Did I do something?” Misato asked. “Are you mad at me?”
His mouth twitched.
“You’re impossible to deal with, you know that? No one can help you because you never tell anyone what’s wrong. You only follow orders, you never think for yourself. You’re too obedient for your own good.
“So why are you being so stubborn right now? Why won’t you talk to me? …Am I really that bad at this?”
Misato looked over at him. He was covering his ears with his hands. She’d been too loud.
“I guess there’s my answer,” she said quietly.
She stared at the shelves in front of her, the contents illuminated by the light flooding in from the hallway.
“I’m a terrible guardian, aren’t I?
“I’m a slob and make you clean up after me. I make you eat processed crap for dinner. I’ve made you risk your life more times than I can count.” Misato laughed, a humorless sound.
“I’m supposed to be keeping you safe. Looks like I’m doing a pretty shitty job of that, huh?”
The bed moved from under her. Shinji wasn’t lying down anymore.
“I was honestly kind of excited to take you in,” Misato continued. “I thought that… I might finally have a family. But I’m not worthy to be your mother. I don’t know why I ever thought I was.”
She glanced at Shinji again. He was sitting up and looking at her, his expression softer than before.
She didn’t like that face much either. She looked down at her hands, her fingers curled into the bottom of her skirt.
“I’m sorry I can’t do more for you, Shinji. I wish I could.”
Tears burned her eyes. Children weren’t supposed to see their mother’s cry.
Pathetic.
Two arms wrapped around her and a head rested against her arm.
“I think you’re doing a pretty okay job,” Shinji said.
Misato held onto Shinji’s arm.
“Thank you, Shinji.”