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Kazutora wanted to scream. The whole ride home, Kazutora kept a white knuckle grip on the steering wheel as he silently drove home. The car wasn’t his. Something that he was reminded of when he stepped out after parking at his apartment. The apartment he had shared with Chifuyu, that he should’ve been driving them both home to. Instead, he was left with nothing. There would be no retribution, there would be no saving Chifuyu, no fixing what was broken with Toman on his end. But most importantly, his best friend, the person that kept him from absolutely destroying what was left of his life when he got out of prison, was dead.
It was a little juvenile, but as soon as Kazutora opened and slammed his door, he screamed. He dropped to his knees and he tried to hold it together. He firmly placed a hand over his mouth as he quieted into a fit of sobs. Kazutora was sad, so fucking sad, but he was also enraged. He could feel it, like dark tendrils were wrapping around his ribcage and pulling, allowing the seething rage to seep in on it’s own. He wanted to grab plates and throw them. He wanted to punch something, he wanted to do more and more but he knew it would scare his neighbors and his cat, and really, he cared more about the cat than his neighbors. So he cried instead, in the entryway of the apartment.
He felt the hand on his shoulder before he heard the voice, “Tora?” Kazutora could feel his heartbeat in his head. There was no mistaking that voice. Horrified and mystified, through a teary-eyed gaze, he looked up to see someone kneeling in front of him. The voice was so soft, but it was also so obviously Baji’s. He couldn’t make out the figure completely in front of him with his blurred, wet vision. But the more he spoke, the more Kazutora was sure of it, “Are you having a shitty day?” To that, Kazutora laughed a hollow laugh. The question could’ve been funny in an ironic way if he wasn’t so fucking bemused by the current situation.
He had lost his mind. Part of grieving, he had been told in group therapy once, was learning to let go. To remember and appreciate the good and not the bad, and so maybe, this was the good. Kazutora and Chifuyu had been connected, at first, by Baji’s spirit, and now here was Baji’s spirit, literally reaching out to him. But he didn’t look like a spirit. He wasn’t see-through and he was corporeal, he was touchable. Baji looked like he was solid, he looked… “What the fuck is wrong with me?” He laughed again, but tears still streamed down his face. Kazutora placed his head in his hands as he looked at the floor.
“What happened? Everything’s been weird, I mean.” Baji cleared his throat and then stood what he was saying to try to tend to Kazutora. He plopped down next to him, turning so he was facing the same way to wrap his arm around Kazutora. “I couldn’t get a hold of Chifuyu. I tried calling and he wouldn’t answer. Fucking twerp always answers me,” he chuckled, but his voice was a little unsteady. Kazutora shook his head, mouthing ‘No, no, no,’ as he continued to cry. “Tora, you’re freaking me out.”
Kazutora finally looked up and then over at Baji. He stared at him, then blinked a few times but he didn’t go anywhere. Instead, he watched as the figure next to him unhooked his arm from Kazutora and used both hands to wipe away the tears that stained Kazutora’s cheeks. “I couldn’t save him. I tried, you know. And I think in a way it’s my punishment for what happened to you.” Kazutora said in a low voice, before sniffing. He watched as Baji tensed and his eyebrows furrowed. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, Kei.” Then Baji relaxed and then pressed a hand on each side of Kazutora’s face. He looked so sure of himself now like everything was clear and understood.
“You’re having an episode,” Baji told him. He pressed a kiss to Kazutora’s forehead which caused Kazutora to flinch. If Baji could touch him like this, he couldn’t be a ghost. That didn’t make sense. “Why don’t we watch something? It’ll get your mind off of wh–”
“Chifuyu is dead. You’re dead.” Kazutora insisted. He pried Baji’s hands off of his face and moved slightly to look him in the eye. “I killed you. And I couldn’t save Chifuyu. I was too late. I know you’re a figment of my imagination, but that doesn’t mean you can make me feel better about this. I won’t. I can’t.”
Baji opened his mouth, but Kazutora stood after he had let go of Baji’s wrists. He took off his shoes and then walked into Chifuyu’s bedroom. All of his stuff was there. Neat, orderly. On the bed, a cat slept soundly, likely awaiting a return that was never going to happen. That broke Kazutora’s heart. It wasn’t like he could explain the news to that cat. Kazutora sat down on the edge of the bed and began to softly stroke the cat’s fur. Eventually, he felt he was being watched and when his golden eyes glanced up, Baji was leaning against the doorway. “I think I should call Draken or Mikey or my mom or someone. I don’t think you’re okay, Tora.”
Kazutora’s lips twisted into a frown as Baji spoke. “Mikey isn’t around, Kei. You know that. Or whatever. I know that. I don’t know why you’re suggesting things. Can’t you just disappear?” Baji looked like he’d been slapped. Kazutora felt bad, then he felt weird for feeling bad for making his own subconscious feel bad. What a fucking tailspin this was, he thought. “Sorry. Sorry? I don’t know why I’m apologizing to myself.”
Baji seemed to take another approach. “How did I die?” He stepped into the room before sitting down on the other side of the bed to also pet the cat. Kazutora noted that the cat reacted which caused him to wonder if he had actually, and officially, lost his mind or if he should be more concerned about a different explanation.
“You…” Kazutora looked him over. He did look different. Not a lot, but he might’ve grown a little. He also didn’t look like a teenager anymore. But Kazutora didn’t know how to configure that. So Kazutora left it alone. “I stabbed you. After juvie, during the Bloody Halloween incident.” Baji looked confused, blank, like he couldn’t place what in the world Kazutora was talking about. “Valhalla? You… me, it was Kisaki and Hanma? And Mikey almost killed me, but you stabbed yourself.” Baji didn’t seem to register any of that. He seemed lost in thought, lost in understanding.
Baji didn’t speak for a while. He looked away from Kazutora and then finally, turned back to look at him after a long, drawn out few moments. “You didn’t go to juvie. And I was never stabbed. I definitely didn’t stab myself, the fuck?” He reached over to touch Kazutora’s hair and then frowned. He then looked over the rest of Kazutora’s hair before he asked, “Why does your hair look different? You had streaks through all of your hair, didn’t you?” The suddenly, Baji snapped out of whatever concern-filled daydream he had been living in and looked around. “What room is this? We live in a one bedroom together. What the fuck?” Baji stood and then looked around before walking out of the room and into another, Kazutora’s room. Kazutora could hear him talking, which sounded more and more frantic.
Kazutora followed, eventually, and watched as Baji went through things. “What do you mean we live in a one bedroom? I moved in with Chifuyu after I got out of prison, Kei.”
Baji shook his head. “No, after a while of us dating, you asked me to get an apartment with you. It was in the same fucking ward as the pet shop. And it was kinda far from my school. I complained about it all the time?” Kazutora shared that same previous blank, confused stare that Baji had while in Chifuyu’s room. “Kazutora, stop. No. I’m not dead or whatever the fuck, so stop looking at me like that.”
Kazutora chewed on his lower lip as he listened to Baji. He could see the panic set in. Something was wrong and since he didn’t quite share the same sentiment, he started to worry that this was real. It wasn’t in his imagination. “We’re dating?”
Baji scoffed. “Really, that’s what you take away from all of this? You’re telling me my best friend might be dead and I might be dead, and you don’t remember our life together, and you’re surprised that we’re dating? We were thinking about marriage if you want to really freak yourself out.” Baji crossed his arms over his chest.
The next few hours began with an argument and ended with the two of them lying down on the floor of the kitchen with bottles of alcohol and snacks. They talked, Kazutora explained how they ended up where they were now, with Toman a feared criminal organization and Chifuyu’s life lost. Baji expressed distress at both of those events, drinking despite claiming that he wasn’t a drinker.
“It’s your turn,” Kazutora told Baji, rolling his head on the tile to look over at his friend. Or, boyfriend. He wasn’t really that sure what to think of him as now. When Baji gave him another confused expression, he smiled. “I mean, tell me what happened in your life. Apparently Valhalla wasn’t a thing. So, what gives?”
Baji munched on a snack as he thought it over. “Well, Kisaki’s our friend,” he said after he swallowed, “So I don’t know. We never had any real issues.” Sometimes Kisaki annoyed him, but he wasn’t so bad. Hanma was easily more annoying and he was usually in Europe or some other fucking place and Baji never saw him. “He works with Koko. And Koko’s husband works with Shin.” Kazutora looked surprised and then it seemed that Baji caught up. “Yeah, Shin’s alive with us. He’s dating Wakasa, I think? It’s hard to tell sometimes. ‘Cause sometimes I think Waka’s dating Benkei. But I don’t know. Maybe they’re all dating. I’ll have to ask Inupi, he’d know.” Baji softened slightly as he mulled over some other events. He handed Kazutora a chip bag to share what he had been eating before he rolled over on his side, head on his hand. “I was the one who confessed to you. And you were like, no way.”
Kazutora wrinkled his nose. “I rejected you?” He couldn’t really imagine that. He would’ve killed for Baji to return any sort of feelings for him in his own past.
Baji laughed, “Yeah! You were all I want a girlfriend. And I was like, dude. I’m in love with you. And we got into this argument but you ended up kissing me. You tried to play it off like you were kidding around, but later I found out that you and Chifuyu were competing to see who could get a girlfriend first. You lost ‘cause you and I started dating and you were mad about it.” Kazutora laughed loudly and then Baji joined in on the laughter. Baji coughed, and then Kazutora slid a bottle of water his way.
Kazutora clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth. “So we started dating in high school and stayed together after that?” Baji nodded in response, then Kazutora nodded in understanding. “I have a weird question.” There was a pause, but Baji waited patiently to hear what it was. “Did Mikey get a bike? From Shin’s shop?”
Baji thought it over, clearly trying to place memories together to understand Kazutora’s question. “Yeah. He surprised him with it. We were all like, freaking out. It was funny, too, because Mitchy asked me and you to plan a party for Mikey’s birthday that year. Said that’d be our present.” Kazutora frowned a little and then nodded, the smile picking back up. “Why?”
Kazutora gestured lazily, “Nothing. I was just wondering. What does your mom think of us? I talk to her now sometimes. I mean, Chifuyu did. I never really had it in me to talk to her. After everything.” Baji brought his fingers to Kazutora’s face, stroking softly. When Kazutora looked at him, Baji spoke again.
“You should talk to her. Maybe it’ll help.” Baji suggested. “But, yeah. She likes that we’re together. You and her are really tight, she loves Chifuyu, too, and Fuyu’s boyfriend. But you know, I think she’s just glad we’re all still together.”
“Who’s Fuyu’s boyfriend?”
“Why’s it matter?”
“Wow, withholding.”
“Wow, you two dating?”
Kazutora frowned. They weren’t. They had hooked up a few times, but it never amounted to anything substantial. They were both too preoccupied with other things. Kazutora wished he had done more to keep Chifuyu safe. “Nah, it’s not like that.”
“He was just seeing someone random. I think a few people had crushes on him, though. I always thought Ryusei had a thing for him, but he disappeared.” Kazutora had no idea who that was, but he believed it. “And I think Atsushi liked him, too, for a while. But I don’t know. Fuyu’s never been that good at romance.”
The conversation died down and eventually, the two were tipsied and putting things away haphazardly. Once the kitchen looked good enough, the pair went off to bed. Kazutora gave Baji clothes to wear and then laid down, Baji joined him. It was a little awkward for Kazutora, but he could tell this was routine for Baji.
“Are you okay?” Baji asked, breaking the silence between them. When Kazutora looked up, he saw Baji’s bronze eyes watching him from the light outside of his open window. Kazutora nodded, but Baji continued to watch him.
A soft sigh left his lips, “I think I’m nervous. Scared, maybe? I think when I wake up, you might not be here and I’m not ready to not have you around anymore.” Kazutora confessed. Baji’s expression changed to something unreadable, but his hand was combing through Kazutora’s hair. “What am I supposed to do when I don’t have you or Chifuyu anymore?”
Baji leaned in and pressed a soft kiss on Kazutora’s lips. “It’ll be okay. Talk to my mom.” Kazutora responded before he could really think about what he was doing. He leaned forward and caught Baji’s lips in an embrace, and it was the warmest kiss that Kazutora had ever experienced. He melted into the kiss as he pressed his body into Baji’s and the other wrapped his arms around Kazutora. He knew now, that this was what love tasted like. But it was sad and there was longing and loss.
By the time Baji licked into Kazutora’s mouth and was straddling him, Kazutora knew that it had to end. Where this was love and routine and happiness for Baji, it was too much for Kazutora. It was like he had found a missing piece to a puzzle he had thrown away years ago, lost forever in a landfill that he would never go and search. For a few moments, though, the pair looked into each other’s eyes and Kazutora didn’t feel so hopeless. So lost. So alone. Maybe this was just how he achieved being happy. He suffered now, and here, but in whatever world or universe this Baji was from, there was a version of him that was thinking about marrying Baji. That Kazutora was happy.
“If I wake up and you aren’t here, I want you to know I love you very much. I’m sorry that I ever thought you were going to leave me,” he told Baji. His best friend listened attentively, black hair dangled around Kazutora’s face like a protective field as he hovered over him. “I’ve missed you every day. I think about you often, and I will. I’ll talk to your mom.” Some days were easier than others, but there was always that pain that lingered without Baji around. “When you go back, marry your best friend.”