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August should have seen it coming.
He always knew somewhere in his heart that July was going to betray him—and yet somehow, he couldn't believe that he was slowly bleeding to death, cornered at a cliffside, forced to push his own child off the edge, a gun pointed directly at him.
He looked right into July's cold, empty eyes as his vision began to blur.
"Goodbye, August."
— bang.
In a cold sweat, August bolted upright in bed—a dream? He felt around for any injury, and found nothing. Everything felt real, the night air, the adrenaline, the bullets, December, July—
As if on cue, August nearly jumped as he heard July's voice from next to him, muffled and crackly.
"...the sun isn't even up yet, come back to sleep."
A sharp contrast to the icy merciless agent of a few minutes ago, July was covered in blankets, and hadn't even opened his eyes to mumble half-asleep at August.
"July—?"
He cracked open one eye. "...it's December."
What?
...he meant the month, didn't he.
July sighed, and reached an arm out to a reluctant August. "Are you even awake yet? Come here."
As July waved him over, August hesitated. Something was definitely wrong. The alarms in the back of his head were wildly going off, but...July, so soft and inviting, not quite awake, gently beckoning him closer, was too hard to resist. He couldn't possibly be so good an actor to lure August in and smother him in his sleep or something, could he?
August lay back down next to July, who tucked him under the sheets and held him close, lightly patting his head.
"You were probably just dreaming again. It's the weekend, we should get some more rest."
He was sure he hadn't been dreaming. August knew he almost died at July's hands, but with July now curling up against him, one hand tangled in his hair, he couldn't help but fall back into the arms of sleep.
When August next woke up, he was in the same bed, July laying a hand on his arm.
"I'm gonna cook breakfast, so go get the kids, okay? Maybe you'll have them up by the time I'm done." July laughed quietly and kissed August's cheek before getting out of bed.
If August wasn't already confused before, he definitely was now. July referring to December and April as August's children was nothing new, but July willingly participating in their usual framework of a family was something else.
"...like, our kids…?"
July gave August a funny look. "Unless you have more I don't know about, yes, I mean the ones we adopted." He reached over to ruffle August’s hair. “Come on."
Still rather lost but relieved he seemed to be alive if only for the moment, August shuffled out of bed, following July through...their? apartment. Seeing August slightly dazed, July gestured to a room along the hallway before presumably continuing to the kitchen. Cautiously, August pushed open the door and peeked inside.
Passed out at a desk, surrounded by papers and notebooks, was April. From the looks of it, he had fallen asleep while studying—August was sure that when April left, he was well into his 20s, but if here, July was softer and kinder and willing to kiss August, April was younger and less tired, though still prone to overworking himself.
August switched off the desk lamp shining at April's head, and gently shook his shoulder.
"Apr—" August paused, thought for a moment, and corrected himself. "Chikage…?"
A creaky noise came from Chikage's throat. "...I'm awake."
"Did you even sleep at all?" August laid a hand on Chikage's hair, half concerned, half comforted in that not everything had changed so radically. "You didn't even move to your bed."
"I just...meant to rest my eyes for a bit," said Chikage, sitting up and stretching his shoulders. Putting on his glasses, he blinked at August. "I'm awake now, though."
August sighed, leaning against the doorframe.
"...what."
"I've told you so many times you need to rest properly. At the very least, don't sleep at your desk. Falling asleep like this can't be comfortable."
Chikage huffed quietly. "Tell that to Hisoka," he said, pointing to the bed covered in pillows and stuffed toys. "Pretty sure I saw him sleeping under the coffee table yesterday."
Probably not the worst place December had fallen asleep, but concerning nonetheless. Sending Chikage off to go help in the kitchen, August carefully dug through the blankets to find Hisoka sleeping soundly, clasping a stuffed penguin to his chest.
"Hisoka...wake up," said August. If there were any marshmallows around, he hoped they weren’t hidden in the sheets. That's how you get ants. "Breakfast is going to be ready soon."
Hisoka only shifted slightly, clutching the penguin tighter.
"You can have sweets afterwards, but you have to eat first, okay?" August squeezed Hisoka's arm, wondering if he ate enough when there was little resistance.
After turning back and forth, Hisoka opened his eyes. It was only then that August realised he hadn't started growing his bangs out over his face to hide the eye he didn't need, further setting this...dream? as being quite a few years from when August thought he was before. He brushed a few strands of hair from Hisoka's face and patted his head.
"Good morning."
"...morning…"
Hisoka wasn't quite awake yet, but with more coaxing from August, he managed to sit up, rubbing at his eyes with a sleeve. "....marshmallows….?"
"Later."
"...kay."
August took Hisoka's hand, leading him out of the bedroom and down the hall, depositing him onto the sofa—he was likely to fall asleep again, and better he did so on a soft surface rather than the dinner table or the kitchen floor.
He walked into the kitchen, and was immediately met with disapproval from July.
"Hey, hey. You're not allowed in here, remember?"
"The fire department called to tell us to stop calling them." Chikage laughed as August put a hand to his chest.
"You too, Chikage?"
July grinned. "He doesn't make all the smoke alarms go off, and he won't stop me from tipping the entire spice rack into this pan. I won't, because you and Hisoka would both cry, but I could if I wanted to."
The two of them bullying August aside, the scene was almost too much for his poor heart—July, long hair tied back, in a ruffly apron with clumsily sewn flowers, laughing and chattering with Chikage as they made breakfast together in the bright sunlit kitchen.
"We're almost done, so can you get the plates?" August was snapped out of his reverie by July waving a hand in his direction. As he nodded, July flashed him a smile, blowing a kiss. "Thanks, honey."
"Gross." Chikage made a face, sticking his tongue out at July, who just waved at him to take breakfast to the table please and thank you. August followed him out with a stack of plates, laying them out on the table and going over to wake Hisoka up a second time.
-
July’s cooking tasted just as good as August remembered it—certainly better than his own, and a nice part of being paired up together, as short as that lasted.
"So, weekend huh! Got any plans?"
It could be said that August was settling too much into a new edition of his usual role of loving father to two children, but either he truly was dreaming before—which he doubted, but in that case he should be trying to get back to being just a regular dad since he had clearly forgotten, which was upsetting in itself—or, more likely, this was all a hallucination caused by his brain slowly dying as he bled out on the cliff, which he would rather not consider.
Hisoka poked at the eggs on his plate with his fork. "Chikage's got a date."
As one, August and July turned to Chikage, who hissed at his brother to shut the fuck up oh my god . Clearing his throat, he said, "It's not a date. I'm going to see a friend."
"Who's the friend?" "Where are you guys going?" Some part of August was glad July could still follow along with questioning, although the fact that it was being used on April was probably not ideal.
Chikage took a breath to answer, but Hisoka beat him to the punch. “It’s Alice, the annoying guy who looks after me at school. He’s got a stupid crush on Chikage and now they’re gonna make out in the back of the theatre next town over.”
“Can you stop talking? You’re so quiet otherwise, but when you think you can embarrass me, that’s when you won’t shut up.” Chikage complained, as Hisoka pulled a face at him.
“Okay, okay, both of you. Settle down.” Even if it’s the two of them bickering, it was a bit of a relief to August that some things never really changed. “Chikage, go ahead.”
“Again, it isn’t a date. We’re just going to go see a play. Homare-san wanted a friend to go with, and I was free. That’s all.”
Hisoka, and funnily enough, July, didn’t seem too convinced, but August tried to move it along. “Are you going to go there by yourself, or—?"
Chikage coughed. "He's, uh. Picking me up."
"Hmm. What time are you coming home?" July's expression was unchanged, but there was a note of amusement in his voice.
"...is it okay if it's a bit late."
"Why?"
".........he wanted to go to dinner after."
The note turned into a melody as July began to laugh. "Oh? And who's paying for that?"
"Alice is rich, so I bet it's him."
"...I'll allow it." July turned to August for an opinion, and got a slightly confused nod in return—if his son is having fun, then all is well. "But mostly cause he's definitely going to bring you home himself at a reasonable time. You hold on to that boy, now."
Chikage buried his face in his hands. "Okay, change of plans, can I just die instead?"
"Aw, Chikage, there's no need to be embarrassed," said August. "I'm sure you and your friend will have a great time together."
"Friend," said Hisoka, making sarcastic air quotes.
Peeking out from between his fingers, Chikage hissed, "Shut up. You're next.” He added, lowering his hands, “Hisoka's staying over at Azuma-san's place tonight."
"…we were gonna watch a movie with some friends…” Hisoka frowned. “I’ve been to his house before...it’s fine, right?”
“Don’t you have school tomorrow?”
"You let Chikage go…"
July wasn’t swayed. "He's getting escorted home by his date, meanwhile you're falling asleep on Azuma's floor and you know he can't carry you."
"I have extra clothes at his place and he's got the number for the house." Hisoka started pouting. “I’m gonna be fine…”
It might be that August babied Hisoka a little too much, but...look at him. He was just a baby. And he even had a friend—no, more than one. “Well, maybe it’s unfair to let Chikage go out while Hisoka has to stay at home.”
At that, Hisoka lit up, as much as he could for someone so sleepy, and directed his baby face back to July. “Come on...he lives so nearby...you’d know where I was…”
“...fine.” July made a face at August. “You can go, but you have to come home when Chikage gets back.”
“I’ll take it.”
"Okay, now I object. This is unfair, actually. At least tease Hisoka too."
August smiled, quietly finishing off the rest of his breakfast, surrounded by the sounds of his family.
In the afternoon, both of the kids were setting off for their respective outings.
"He isn't even going to come up to get you?" said August, as Chikage put on a jacket.
"I asked Homare-san not to. I don't need you guys giggling at me for that."
Chikage gave August a quick hug. "Bye, dad. Love you." Turning to July, he added, "Old man."
"See you later, Chikage. Have fun!"
"If you come home late, you have to break in."
August glanced sidelong at July. What? But before he could say anything, Chikage nodded, reaching over to hug July as well. "Fine by me. Love you too."
As he pulled away, July smiled softly, brushing Chikage’s bangs from his glasses. "Stay safe, you dummy."
With that, Chikage left, and August went to check on Hisoka, nodding off at the entryway. July picked up a pair of shoes, setting them on the floor in front of him and ruffling his hair. “See, you’re already sleepy and you haven’t even left yet.”
Hisoka yawned, putting on his shoes. He stood up, turning to August—and out of habit, he straightened out Hisoka’s jacket, just so he looked less like he’d been sleeping on the floor for the past several hours—falling into a familiar routine.
“No sleeping on the sidewalk,” said July, handing Hisoka a little pack of marshmallows. “And eat something other than these.”
“...yes, mom…”
“Okay. Good boy.”
“Byebye…” With a languid wave, Hisoka went to leave as well. August and July waved back, but August couldn’t help staring at July, awestruck. What a lovely dream.
“...what’s with that look?” July tilted his head, his earrings sparkling. “I know Hisoka’s just going across the street, but you know how he won’t keep his eyes open if he doesn’t have at least a little sugar in him.”
“It’s just…” August paused, gathering his thoughts. Watching July seeing his— their —children off, taking care of them, talking with them so fondly, telling them he loves them...it filled his weary heart. At what point does seeing such a sweet dream become selfish, he wondered. The perfect normal life that he'd always wanted, right in the palm of his hand. "...you're so good with the kids."
"I'm...trying my best." July rested a hand on August's cheek. "I did say I would when we got married."
It's only then that August noticed the weight and cold touch of the ring on his left hand to match the one against his face. Now this was too much. Another life, where August could propose to July, and he would say yes ? He raised a hand to July’s, running his finger along the ring.
“Yes, Misha?”
August’s thoughts began to go at a million miles an hour. This wasn’t his life. Was it wrong to take this place, one that was so clearly marked for him, one in his shape, but that didn’t belong to him, that didn’t actually have his name on it? This was a family who had a spot for someone who looked like August, behaved like him, but was not this version of him.
He lifted July’s hand from his face, loosely holding it in his own, their fingers laced together.
“...Ju—”
You don’t even know his name.
“Can we talk about something?”
July seemed taken aback at August’s serious tone, but nodded, walking over to the couch to sit. “Is something wrong? You’ve been kind of…off all morning.”
Of all things to be consistent about July, it had to be his ability to pick out when August was behaving strangely—at least, by his standards. He sat for a moment in silence, partly trying to piece his words together and partly just finding himself enjoying July’s presence next to him once more.
“I had a dream last night—well, I guess it was more of a nightmare? We were both…secret agents,” August hesitated, seeing July already starting to smile, raising an eyebrow incredulously. “I had only just managed to get Hisoka out of danger, but I was bleeding out on the edge of a cliff. And the one holding me at gunpoint…was you.”
“I don't know if I should be offended your subconscious made me try to kill you, or pleased you just think about me that much.” July shook his head in mock disapproval. “So you had a nightmare? That's all?”
“Y-yes, but…” August frowned, brows drawn together. “That's the thing. Until I woke up this morning, it was real. I…I know it was. I…”
He trailed off, the trembling in his voice making July gently take his hand, expression more serious.
“Look at me, please.” July’s voice was firm, but caring. Slowly, August lifted his eyes to meet July’s bright golden ones. “It’s okay. You’re here now, with me.”
July squeezed his hand. “You can feel that, right?”
“...Your fingers are a little cold.”
“Sorry for having bad circulation.” Smiling again, July shook his head lightly. “But you do feel my hands in yours. And how solid this old couch is, even though we just bought it to have something in the house when we moved here.” It was comfortable, covered in pillows—to make sure Hisoka could sleep well if he couldn’t make it to a bed, most likely—and yet still sturdy.
“And those old slippers of yours that the kids bought you with their allowance.” As July mentioned it, August shifted his slippers against the carpet. “They’re starting to get a little ratty, but you won’t let me throw them out because—”
“Hisoka and Chikage gave them to me as a present!” August found himself finishing the sentence before he could even think, and July laughed.
“They can get you new ones too, you know. Maybe this year.” Still keeping one hand in August’s, July laid his other hand on August’s cheek for a moment. “But all these things, you can feel them, right?”
August simply nodded.
Sighing, July turned August’s hands over in his, looking at the rings absently. “The irony of you having these memory problems in your line of work isn’t lost on me, you know. I suppose it just means you want to find a solution more than anyone.”
“But I hope somehow, you can remember that no matter what, I’ll be here next to you. To look after our kids, to take your hands when you get lost like this.”
July smiled, softly, wistful. “After all, we’re a family, aren’t we?”
Perhaps it was only a dream, too perfect, too sweet—the ice cold moon taking pity on August as he drew his last breath, giving him a beautiful fantasy. August had only ever thought of others his entire life, and for him to have a moment that was for him and him alone at the end seemed all too fitting.
Perhaps then he could be forgiven that moment of lunacy.
“We are.” August nodded again, a sharp determination in his eyes even as a gentle fuzz began to cloud his vision.
“I love you,” said July, the warmest smile August had ever seen on him gracing his lips as he leaned in close.
The world seemed to glow as the distance between them disappeared, August squeezing July’s hands tightly.
“I love you too—”
The cliffside was ice cold and quiet, the moon shining brightly on the waves. The blistering December winds whipped at July’s skin as he looked down at August, slowly bleeding out on the ground.
July frowned.
Even in death, there was a smile on August’s face.