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sayaka miki loves kyosuke kamijou.
at least, that's what she thought it was. that's how its been for a long time. its the reason behind her wish. its the reason she became a magical girl. to heal the hand of the boy she loved, so he could play violin again, so she could listen to his beautiful songs. so she could marvel as he played "ave maria" again.
for a while, it really was that simple
but lately, its been confusing.
she didn't know when it started. actually, its probably the time she was introduced to magical girls. when she and madoka were trapped in a witch's labyrinth and they were rescued by a magical girl. her curls bouncing gracefully as she moved around, avoiding the witch's attacks. yes, that was one day she would never forget. sayaka could never take her eyes off that girl. she felt her heart beating faster. at the time, she thought it was because of the situation they were in. but was it really that? or were they more... complicated feelings?
then she was formally introduced to mami tomoe. she taught her and madoka what magical girls were, and what they do. she invited the two girls on witch hunts. sayaka found herself looking forward to these witch hunts, just so she could see mami being cool. she reminded the girls, over and over again, that a wish was not something to be used lightly. that they had to think hard before they made a wish. that being a magical girl was not easy. sayaka got that. she got all that. but she couldn't help but marvel over mami. the way she bounced so elegantly while fighting witches. the way she never seemed to show fear on her expression. the way she transformed and looked so beautiful while doing it.
before long, her thoughts were filled with mami tomoe. her yellow hair, her curls, her hat, her dress, her eyes which seemed to hold a deep sadness in them... she was so mysterious to sayaka. she wanted to get to know her.
was it just that? or something different?
then sayaka herself became a magical girl.
she made a wish to heal the boy she loved. she organized a surprise for him on the hospital rooftop, where he could play the violin for the first time in years in front of his parents. to her, it was the happiest day of her life. to him as well. he couldn't be happier. sayaka thought she would never regret this day.
she got to spend more time with mami. she went on witch hunts and trained with mami. her first few battles were scary. but sayaka found herself looking forward to witch hunts and training. not just because she could eat mami's delicious cakes and tea, but also because of mami herself. sayaka adored mami. she was everything sayaka wanted to be.
but was that just adoration or... something else?
sayaka would sleep with thoughts of mami. when she was awake, sayaka would think of new ways to impress mami. she would start to train just so she could impress mami with her new moves.
for a while, sayaka truly thought she would never regret this. there were bumps along the way, like her meeting with an aggressive red haired magical girl, who seemed to have some sort of history with mami. and of course, the transfer student was ever a pain in the ass. but other than that, things were as good as they could be.
then sayaka learned the truth about soul gems.
it affected her so badly that she nearly died to a witch once. and mami had to save her.
how pathetic. she nearly failed in front of mami.
sayaka didn't go to school for a while. how could kyubey do this to her? how was mami so unaffected by this? how could she still go on?
oh.. there she went again thinking about mami. lately, it seems like that's all she could think about. what happened to the times she would gush about kyosuke's violin playing to madoka and hitomi? there were these confusing feelings she had to deal with too
she gained enough courage to get herself out of bed one day to go and see mami.
"mami-san?" sayaka said as she went to mami's front door
"oh, hello miki-san" mami greeted her with a weak smile.
"have you been sick?" sayaka asked.
"i guess you could say that."
mami invited sayaka in, and gave her some of her signature tea. no cake this time. mami didn't have the energy to bake.
there was an awkward silence.
"how do you feel?" sayaka asked at last, "about what kyubey said."
"i'd rather not think about it" mami replied. "if i think about it too much i'll go crazy. that's why i was in bed for days."
"but mami-san, you seemed to take it well when we found out."
"i was only putting up a front!" mami exclaimed. "i couldn't fall apart in front of you and kaname-san. you were both already so devastated, i had to be the voice of reason. i'm your mentor, after all. if i fell apart how would i...."
she swallowed a lump in her throat.
"the truth is... everything about me is a front. i put up the persona of a cool mentor so people will like me. you and kaname-san bought it. but in reality i'm terribly lonely. i'm the one who gets scared the most. at times i even feel like i have to rely on you, miki-san. pathetic, am i not? i'm not the cool mami-san you thought i was. i'm just... so..."
mami looked like she was about to burst into tears right there.
"no, mami-san. actually, it makes me feel better that you're like this. you get hurt, just like us. i can... talk to you about it. you're not pathetic. you're... still cool in my eyes"
and sayaka meant every word.
that mami wasn't some superhuman who always had it together made sayaka like her even more. she wasn't totally untouchable after all. sayaka could still relate to her.
but then, another bombshell dropped on her.
hitomi had invited her to the mall, without madoka there. she had told sayaka that she was in love with kyosuke, that she'd been keeping this secret from her and madoka for a long time. she decided to follow her heart and was going to confess to kyosuke the next day. she was giving sayaka 24 hours to confess, as she wanted to respect sayaka's relationship with him.
oh... now she had to face those feelings.
it was one bombshell after another for her lately. the truth about soul gems, and now this. sayaka was in bed, mulling over what she could do. her meeting with mami did make her feel better. but she still had some insecurities over her soul not being tied to her body anymore. she felt she couldn't let kyosuke be with a zombie.
and lately kyosuke had felt... distant from her.
she never talked to him at school ever since she heard the truth about soul gems. but he never went out of his way to reach out to her either. even after school, he seemed to prefer going home with his other friends. not that she blamed him. he was in the hospital for a good while after all, of course he'd be in a hurry to get back to his normal life. she'd be the last thing on his mind.
as she slept, she had a strange dream. she was holding hands with someone. their hand felt warm and comfortable. it had to be kyosuke. sayaka looked at the person. it was none other than mami. they were walking... for a witch hunt? no, this felt more than a witch hunt. it was broad daylight after all. no, this was....
sayaka woke up. there she went again, thinking of mami. it seemed mami wormed her way into her dreams too. sayaka's heart was fluttering, she felt butterflies in her stomach. but this feeling should be reserved for when she was with kyosuke? why... why did she feel this way when she thought of mami? mami was just someone she thought was really cool. or was that really the case? the way she would look forward to going on witch hunts, the way her heart fluttered during training, the way she would find excuses to go to mami's house when they weren't doing magical girl things...
surely, it couldn't be...
or could it?
but it should be her and kyosuke.
ahhhhh, why was love so complicated?
at a time like this, there was only one person sayaka could call. she dialed madoka's number.
"hey madoka, are you awake?"
"hey sayaka-chan. yeah, i am. you okay?"
"i'm fine. don't worry about me."
"are you sure? after the-"
"its all good. i talked to mami-san about it"
"ah. that's good. how is mami-san?"
"she's..."
should she tell madoka the truth?
"...she took it really hard too. but i hope she's fine now. i... called you... regarding her..."
"what is it, sayaka-chan?"
sayaka tells madoka about her earlier conversation with hitomi.
"ah... that seems like a problem. i think you should go for it, sayaka-chan. you've liked kamijou-kun for a long time. hitomi-chan herself said-"
"that's... not what i'm worried about. its just that... i do like kyosuke. but lately, mami-san has been on my mind a lot. when i'm around her, my heart beats faster, my palms are all sweaty, i feel like i have butterflies in my stomach. i thought it was because she was really cool but-"
she could hear madoka laughing on the other end.
"hey, what's so funny?!"
"sayaka-chan... congratulations on being the last person to find out about your crush on mami-san"
"what? huh... uh..." she stuttered for a bit. it was somewhat uncharacteristic of her to tease sayaka like this.
but also... a crush?? hearing someone finally call it what it was... it made sayaka blush all over again.
"me.. cursh on mami-san... i just think she's... really cool... but..."
"come on, sayaka-chan. even homura-chan noticed. you're really so obvious."
"but i... still love kyosuke.. so... what should i do?"
"just follow your heart, sayaka-chan"
follow your heart... that's what hitomi said she'd do too.
follow her heart... but how could she follow her heart. sayaka loved kyosuke.. but she.. loved mami too? what was this feeling? the way she felt towards mami... was the same as she felt towards kyosuke.
ah... why was it all so confusing?
she closed her eyes... the first image that came in her mind was a certain yellow haired magical girl with curls saving her and madoka from a witch.
yes... that memory. that was one of her fondest memories. the day she met mami. despite everything that happened after that, she looks back fondly because at least she met mami.
she knows what to do now. she knows what her heart wants.
so the next day, she sought out mami at school. mami seemed to be better and was coming to school again.
"mami-san... can we walk home after school today? i have something i need to tell you" she said.
then after school the two of them walked.
"what did you want to talk to me about, miki-san?" mami asked.
sayaka took a deep breath. this was the moment.
"um... mami-san... you see... ever since i met you... my palms get all sweaty... my heart beats faster.. and i feel... hotter.. every time i'm with you. i thought it was because you were my mentor and i looked up to you. but uh... i realized its something... different.."
there was a silence.
"what are you trying to say, miki-san?"
"i'm trying to say i... uh... well..... i like you. like, not in the way i'd like a mentor or even a friend. but in a... different way. like... like my feelings for kyosuke! do you get me?
another silence. then mami takes a few steps forward.
"miki-san... i've told you, didn't i? what you fell for was a facade. i'm not that well put together. you shouldn't.... you shouldn't like me that way."
"i know! i saw that side of you! but that didn't make me like you any less, mami-san! sure, maybe you're not as put together as you make it seem.. maybe you get lonely or get scared. but that makes me like you more. because.... because i can be on the same ground as you. i can be an equal to you. kyosuke is nice and my feelings for him were real. but right now... my feelings for you outweigh that, mami-san."
mami took three more steps forward.
"this is... the first time... i was confessed to"
"you... what do you say... to, y'know... hanging out as more than... just magical girls...?"
mami wiped some tears from her eyes.
"will you accept me, as i am? are you sure?"
"of course, mami-san"
she looked back at sayaka.
"miki-san... i cannot answer your feelings right now. however, i'd like to give it a try.... going out."
sayaka smiled.
"but first, lets hunt some witches, shall we?" mami said.
"oh, of course."
sayaka had many ideas of how her first confession would go. she'd imagined it with kyosuke, confessing to him after one of his recitals, and he'd play a song for her. however, her first confession was with a veteran magical girl who wasn't as put together as she made it seem. and she had no complaints. sayaka makes a mental note to thank madoka for pushing her to follow her heart and hitomi for making her confront these feelings.
because they led to her having the best moment of her life up until then.
surely, despite all that's happened, now she'd have no regrets.