Work Text:
Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick
“This isn’t working Jisung”
“I know”
Black hole opened in the kitchen
Every clock's a different time
It would only take the energy to fix it
I don't know why I am
“I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what happened!” Minho yells from the other side of the room.
Jisung sobs on the floor, crumpled on the ground as the room spins. He doesn’t even know how it got like this. Everything just builds up, stacking every minor inconvenience on top of each other. The doubts in his head get to be too much; he can’t think, can’t breathe, can’t love.
They used to be so perfect. Minho and Jisung. Jisung and Minho. They bought each other coffee and flowers, making heart eyes at each other from across the room. Fated to be together, like they were made from the same star. The moment Jisung saw Minho’s cat-like eyes from across the room at some college party he doesn’t even remember, he knew that Minho was his one.
But of course he had to ruin it. Him and his stupid inability to take something good and keep it. It's like he doesn’t know how to exist without chaos, his mind immediately assuming the worst and running away.
“You’re mad at me”
“What? No, I’m not Ji, why would you think that?”
Jisung stares at Minho as he eats across the table. He knows Minho is mad at him, he just has to be. The slight glint in his eyes, the way he grunted when he got back to the apartment. It must be something Jisung did. Did he forget to pick up his clothes from the bathroom? Did he miss an important event? God, Jisung is useless, why can’t he just be a good boyfriend for once-
“You’re mad at me, Minho! I know you are, so just tell me, please!” Jisung cries as tears start to glimmer in his eyes.
“Jisungie, please, you haven’t done anything, I promise. What happened? Why are you so on edge?” Minho says as he gently tries to bring Jisung away from his edge.
“You’re lying and I know it! I’m a horrible boyfriend, just say it already!” Jisung says as he starts sobbing and pulling at his hair.
The way I am, not strong enough to be your man
I try, I can't stop staring at the ceiling fan and
Spinning out about things that haven't happened
Breathing in and out
“Just go away, Min! Go away, go away, go away, go away-” Jisung sobs out.
And so he does. Minho runs out of the kitchen and out the front door, leaving Jisung on the cold tiles.
Jisung crawls his way to his room, disoriented and distraught as thoughts swim in his mind. He’s ruined everything! Why can’t he just be normal for once! Why can’t he just get out of his stupid head. Minho is so perfect, he’s so sweet and kind, he doesn't deserve to be with someone like Jisung. Jisung, who is so messed up he lies in bed for days at a time. Jisung, who’s thoughts get so loud that all he can do is scream them out at the nearest person. Jisung, who is incapable of loving someone without hurting them in fear of getting hurt first. He’s just not strong enough to deserve Minho.
Jisung sobs into his pillow, and once he has no more tears, turns to face the ceiling fan. He watches it spin round and round, as his breathing evens out. His last thought before he falls asleep is ‘I hope Min made it home safe’.
♪♪♪♪♪♪
The party lights are blinding. Green, orange, yellow, and pink dots sparkle the room, the stench of alcohol, sex, and sweat waves through the house. Jisung doesn’t even know why he let Felix talk him into this. After finishing exams, you would think that he would want to go home and take a 12-hour nap, maybe go through some ice cream and binge-watch a few shows, but no, he’s at some house party instead.
Walking through the sea of people, Jisung pours himself a drink and finds a spot on the wall. He spots Felix on the dance floor, seemingly content to be grinding on some guy he probably just met. Jisung, on the other hand, in content to just people watch. He sees multiple college students getting it on in a corner, a handful of guys playing beer pong in the kitchen, a group of girls carrying their friend up the stairs, no doubt to go vomit. But then he makes eye contact with someone from across the room.
The man is gorgeous to say the least. He’s not dressed in anything spectacular, just some sweatpants and a black, form fitting shirt. But it’s his eyes that reel Jisung in. They’re slim and sleek like a cat, but still have a hint of playfulness and danger in them. They’re everything and nothing at the same time, and before he knows it, Jisung is moving toward the guy.
“So…come here often?” Jisung cringes internally as he realizes how awkward of an introduction that was.
“Yeah, I live here, unfortunately” the mystery man says.
“Ah, I see…. My name is Jisung.”
“Minho”.
Drag racing through the canyon
Singing "Boys Don't Cry"
Do you see us getting scraped up off the pavement?
I don't know why I am
Minho scrambles out the door as his vision gets blurry. Falling forward and gripping the staircase railing for all that he has left, his hand travels up to his mouth as he allows himself one sob. Its pain and its agony, the way he tries to hold in his emotions as he races down the steps, leaving Jisung behind. His Jisungie. The slight statured man he met at a party once. The one he thought he would spend eternity with.
Minho had a kind of horrible day. He fell during dance practice, totally forgot about a chemistry exam, and hadn’t even had time to grab lunch. So maybe he was a little bit disgruntled when he got home, but just seeing Jisung had made him feel better. He didn’t take notice when Jisung stiffened at the sight of his expression.
So Minho made them dinner, unaware of the ever-increasing worry and anxiety pooling in Jisung’s eyes. So when Jisung had burst out crying about how Minho hated him and was angry about a nonexistent fault of Jisung’s, Minho started yelling too. About what? He doesn’t even know.
“Ji, I don’t understand why you’re crying! You haven’t done anything! I’m not even mad at you!” Minho yelled across the room.
“You just don’t understand, Minho! I can’t make you get it!” Jisung cried in between sobs.
“So what am I supposed to do! Just sit here and let my boyfriend scream about how much I apparently hate him! Do you know how much that hurts, Jisung?”
“I don’t know why I’m like this, Minho!”
“Well, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what happened!”
As Minho reaches the bottom of the stairs, he feels the rift between him and Jisung grow wider than a canyon. He’s tried so hard to salvage their relationship, but at this point, it's like picking at scraps on a sidewalk. Minho can’t bear to let him go. And he’s not strong enough to be there for him either.
The way I am, not strong enough to be your man
I lie, I am just lowering your expectations
Half a mind that keeps the other second guessing
Close my eyes and count
Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick
“This isn’t working Jisung”
“I know”
The clock on the wall plays an ever lasting sound. Counting down the remain ticks of Minho and Jisung’s relationship.
“I’m sorry I can’t be there for you, Sung. I’m really, really sorry”
Minho’s heart is in agony at the thought of leaving him. Jisung is his soulmate. He knows that their love is fated in the stars. So why can’t he stay? Why does Minho not have the strength to stay?
“I hope you stay happy, Min” Jisung says with a pained smile.
Sitting at the kitchen counter in Jisung’s apartment, the pair look around and reminisce at the life that they built in the past year. Traces of their love scattered across the rooms. Minho’s hoodie draped over the chair. The green and pink toothbrushes sat in the bathroom. The polaroids stuck to the fridge.
With one last squeeze of Jisung’s hand, Minho stands from his chair and walks to the door for the final time. Leaving Jisung to stare at the ceiling, mourning the loss of his life’s love.
Always an angel, never a god
Always an angel, never a god
5 months later
Diagnosis: General Anxiety and Depression
Recommended Treatment: Celexa and continued therapy sessions
Jisung stares at the paper outside his doctor’s office. Awaiting his diagnosis had been nerve wracking, but now, he finally has something to explain his behavior. More importantly, how to get a reign on it.
After Minho had left Jisung, Jisung spent weeks inside, never once going out of his house. He cried until he couldn’t anymore, and when that happened, he screamed until his voice went hoarse.
Being without Minho had been the worst feeling that Jisung had ever felt. It was like a part of him had been ripped out, half his soul gone to the wind. When an atom splits, it creates an explosion that destroys everything from its center outward. The split of Jisung and Minho had destroyed Jisung. Everything about him had been reduced to sniffles and tear streaks in the bathroom.
Eventually, Felix came over, delivering food and making sure Jisung didn’t die from a broken heart. With gentle hands, Felix urged Jisung to start therapy, saying that they could help Jisung figure what was going on inside his mind.
So he did, and Jisung was 4 months into therapy and holding an official diagnosis from his psychiatrist. Working with his therapist, he was able to reign in the thoughts in his brain, and he started to heal.
But his feelings towards Minho never went away. Every day, it seemed as though the universe was constantly trying to remind him of Minho, whether it be a green and pink sweater duo or an old photo resurfacing in his camera roll. The longing never faded, and neither did the guilt. He wishes he could go back, erase everything he said to Minho that night, along with every small fight that he put him through.
Jisung knows he's not perfect. He knows that maybe he could never be what Minho deserved. But he wishes he could have tried harder. Minho is a god among men, and Jisung could never be more than an angel, but he would devote himself to trying his best.
I don't know why I am the way I am
There's something in the static, I think I've been having revelations
Comin' to, in the front seat, nearly empty
Skip the exit to our old street and go home
As Minho walks into the coffee shop, he's hit with the scent of bread and coffee beans, somehow still fresh, ever though it's so close to closing time. He’s just come back from dance practice but still has an assignment to finish, so he needs some substance to keep him going. Yeah, he might regret it later but that a problem for tomorrow's Minho. Ordering his coffee from the sweet barista, he turns and is greeted to a face he hasn't seen in half a year.
“Jisung?” Minho asks in surprise.
“Hi Minho” Jisung replies, averting his gaze.
The pair stare for a bit, until the sound of the barista calling Minho’s name rings in the empty coffee shop. As he picks up his coffee, Minho takes a minute to reminisce about Jisung. Jisung, who he is still irrevocably in love with, even 6 months later.
After the break-up, Minho had felt his heart torn in two. As soon as he was safe in his room, he let out the most pained sobs he had ever cried since he was 7 years old. Jisung was his other half, his soulmate, the love of his life. Leaving him had been like slowly tearing the petals off a delicate flower, leaving it dry, bare, and ugly. Minho had rotted for weeks, barely making it to his classes and practices. A shell of himself, he shut off from the rest of the world. Even now, a piece of him still longs for Jisung, even though it was all those months ago.
With courage the size of a whale, Minho resolves himself to walk to where Jisung is sitting.
“Do you mind if I sit here?” Minho asks, a hopeful smile on his face.
Startled out of his work, Jisung closes his laptop and nods to Minho, to which Minho sits across from him in the booth. They stare for a bit, before Minho decides to break the ice.
“So…how have you been?”
And that's how the pair fall right back into the aura that they had all those months ago. It was like they hadn’t even been apart, the conversation bouncing from one topic to another. Jisung tells Minho about his therapy diagnosis and how he's been working on himself. Minho tells Jisung about how his dance studies have been going, and how he's been working on choreographing something for a popular idol group. The conversation ranges from their personal life, to new anime they've watching, to Minho’s cats, and even to random facts they’ve learned.
But all too soon, their time comes to a close, and the coffee shop barista politely tells them that it's closing time. The pair gather their things and awkwardly shuffle out the door, standing outside the coffee shop, waiting for the next person to make a move.
Minho gathers his courage once again. “Would it be okay for me to walk you home?” he asks Jisung.
“Of course, Min” Jisung replies with a smile.
The walk back is agonizingly silent, and even though it was only 10 minutes, it truly felt like hours. Climbing the steps up to Jisung’s apartment, Minho is hit with a wave of nostalgia and pain, as he remembers what it was the last time he traveled these steps.
Jisung isn’t faring much better, and he also remembers what it was like the last time Minho had been to his apartment. The waves of guilt wash over him, threatening to pull him under. As they reach the door, Jisung turn to face Minho, a new determination in his eye.
“Minho, I just want to say I’m sorry. I never truly apologized for what happened that night, or anything before that. My mind was a scary place and I took it out on you, and for that I’m sorry. These past 6 months have been spent pondering what I've done and even after all this time, I’ve found myself missing you. I didn’t deserve you then, and I definitely don’t deserve you now. But I’m hoping that maybe we can be something again? Just friends again would be just fine, of course, and even then you might not want anything to do with me! I totally get it after what happened, so you don’t even have to accept, I’ll just-” Jisung starts to turn towards the door but is stopped when Minho spins him and surges forward and presses his lips on Jisung’s.
And oh- they’re as soft as he remembers. Their lips lock into place, Minho placing his hand on the back of Jisung’s head, deepening the kiss even further. Jisung’s hands find Minho’s waist, all the bottled feelings come pouring out onto the floor for the world to see.
Standing outside Jisung’s door, the only thing that exists at this moment is the pair. The kiss is hungry and passionate, but not rough. It is filled with love and desire, a product of two halves of a soul coming back together for the first time in 6 months. Their hands tangle at their sides, tongues intertwined as their fingers. All Jisung can think about is Minho’s lips on his, Minho’s hand in his hair, Minho’s body against his, Minho, Minho, Minho-
All too soon, they break away for air. Pressed against the door of his apartment, Jisung gazes into Minho’s eyes. If he looks close enough, he swears the can see stars in them. Their foreheads press together as they both break into a smile, a small giggle escaping Jisung, and a small tear.
Minho pulls away in worry, “Sungie? Are you ok? Did I hurt you?”, Minho says with a pained expression. But Jisung surges forward and envelops him in a bone-crushing hug.
“No, silly, I just really missed you.”