Chapter Text
oh, I have heard stories of monsters.
I do not want to hear about the lives they have ruined,
I want to hear about the lives they lead when the stories are over.how do they heal?
how do they make it all better?what happens to the people they have loved?
the ones who have loved them?
(what happens to me, now?)
-the boy who loved a legend; the legend who was a monster (s.b.l.)
They met when Hux was still just an officer, and Kylo Ren was still just Ben Solo. Hux regarded the pale boy tucked beneath the arm of the Supreme Leader with a critical eye. They didn’t speak -- Hux wasn’t supposed to have even seen the new apprentice.
Everyone talked about the boy. Hux heard whispers of his power, heard he would bring an end to the war. There was talk of magic and murder and Hux was told that the Supreme Leader’s new recruit was the most powerful being Hux would ever have the honor to meet. But Hux didn’t think of honor when he saw the boy.
All Hux could think was that the kid came from somewhere. He wondered if somewhere missed him.
-
They first spoke when Hux was a colonel. He was introduced as Kylo Ren, but he wasn’t wearing any mask. Hux wore a mask, of course, just not one of the physical kind. Hux had been wearing a mask his whole life, it was how he had come so far in the First Order. No one took orders from somebody who leaked fear and uncertainty. So Hux hid it behind cold eyes and tight lips.
Kylo couldn’t see Hux’s fear. Kylo revered Hux for his apathy, admired Hux’s cold heart. Kylo thought Hux was the type of person he should become. Kylo designed a mask of his own, but not the flesh kind that Hux wore -- even for someone as powerful as Kylo Ren it was difficult to hide your heart the way Hux did.
Kylo’s mask was metal; Hux’s was steel of another kind. They rarely spoke, but they watched, and for years that was enough.
-
Hux was a general when Kylo came to live on board the Finalizer. He acted so far above Hux, held his head so high that sometimes even Hux forgot that he was the first person Kylo ever hid from. They still wore their masks, and they hated each other for them.
Kylo hated Hux because he wore his own skin so perfectly, because he had trained himself to be so untouchable.
Hux hated Kylo because his mask could be removed. Hux’s couldn’t.
-
When they first kissed it was a long time coming. It was born of anger and want. It was mostly jealousy, painted green and painful. But it wasn’t always that way.
Time passed.
They kissed -- but it was more than that. They kissed -- and there was tenderness where there never used to be.
Hux had seen the beauty of the galaxy and he chose to see Kylo instead.
-
“General,” a modulated voice greeted, echoing off the sleek parasteel of the conference room. Hux didn’t turn from his position at the great windows, didn’t take his eyes off the emptiness of space.
“Ren,” Hux returned the greeting. They spoke calmly, carefully, as if they were strangers. The soft rush of reassurance that washed over Hux was far from unexpected, though. It was something of a habit between the two of them. Kylo found many uses for the Force in their relationship. Amongst them was communication, unspoken and wordless. Kylo pushed emotions onto Hux, who hid them so well.
Though Kylo spoke levely behind his mask, the warmth he shared with Hux spoke of a far more tender greeting. It certainly made upholding their images in front of the crew easier. There was no crew present now, though. Most were off duty, drifting in the arms of night. The few that were awake were scattered about the ship.
Kylo approached Hux at the window, bumping his shoulder. Hux made no motion to move, he just continued staring out the window, face passive.
The pair didn’t talk for much of the rest of the night. They stood beside each other in companionable silence, counting distant stars. Kylo pushed something warm and swelling on Hux, filling his mind with affection. Hux hooked one gloved pinky around Kylo’s own, a silent response to the fondness in his mind.
They didn’t talk. They often didn’t. It was easier to keep your mask in place when no one could hear the shaking in your voice.
-
Hux had placed his lips on every part of Kylo’s face, had run his fingers over Kylo’s pale cheeks and full lips. He had studied every freckle, memorized the shape of Kylo’s eyes and the slope of his nose. Hux had seen Kylo helmetless and face-flushed, but despite the absence of metal Hux rarely saw Kylo maskless . He still wore a pitiful mimicry of the facade Hux displayed, still tried to hide himself from Hux despite his exposed skin.
At one time Hux had envied Kylo for his ability to remove his mask. Now he only felt pity.
Kylo broke in front of Hux more often than either would like to admit. There were outbursts of rage, everyone knew about those. But it wasn’t the destruction of property that worried Hux, it was the quiet tremble late at night, the downward slope of his lips when he was too scared to cry.
“Kylo,” Hux sighed, sweeping into Kylo’s quarters with a great sway of his coat. Kylo sat on his bed, knees drawn to his chest and huge eyes watching Hux. Hux took his time shrugging off his coat and hanging it carefully beside the door, was careful to remove his boots and lock the door before stepping toward Kylo. Kylo watched all the while, transfixed by Hux’s deliberate motions.
“I didn’t mean to call you here,” Kylo said softly, barely a breath in his great, cold room.
“Didn’t mean too, huh?” Hux asked, raising a single eyebrow and looking down at Kylo from where he stood beside the bed.
“I can’t help it sometimes,” Kylo admitted, eyes darting about, searching Hux’s face.
“I see.”
Hux had felt Kylo’s distress as if it were his own, his stomach clenching and heart hammering without warning as he addressed his troops on the bridge. Hux remained stoic as he finished his speech and excused himself from the control room, only allowing himself a moment of panic once he was alone in the hallway leading to Kylo’s quarters. This wasn’t the first time this had happened -- the unforeseen explosion of nerves in his chest, in the hollow of his heart that only Kylo could live.
“You don’t need to be here, I’m just-”
“Kylo,” Hux repeated, laying a hand on Kylo’s hunched shoulder. “Tell me what’s going on.”
Kylo didn’t answer immediately, just let out a heavy sigh and closed his eyes. He leaned into Hux’s touch, digging his shoulder into Hux’s hip and resting his head against Hux’s stomach. Hux slid his hand along Kylo’s shoulder, passing over the curve of Kylo’s spine and back again.
Hux remained standing, waiting for an answer. He could still feel the other fluttering pulse alongside his, Kylo’s heartbeat echoing the pounding of Hux’s own. Hux didn’t understand the Force, didn’t know what it meant to be connected to Kylo like this. He couldn’t say for certain if it was Kylo’s doing or if it really was unintentional.
(Hux certainly didn’t entertain the thought of soulmates. Monsters didn’t have soulmates. Monsters didn’t fall in love.)
Hux didn’t know if Kylo could feel it too, but he hoped he could. Hux hoped the corridor between them wasn’t one sided -- Hux hoped Kylo could feel Hux’s heartbeat, could feel the sturdy life in his lungs. If Kylo could feel that Hux was alive maybe he would remember that they could be alive together .
Kylo wrapped his arms around Hux’s waist after a while, his hand twisting weakly in the fabric of Hux’s shirt. Hux buried the fingers of his free hand in Kylo’s hair, continuing the steady, sweeping rhythm of his palm against Kylo’s shoulders. The ache in Hux’s chest turned from panic to sorrow as Kylo pushed the anguish of his heart onto Hux. Hux held it. He’d take it all from Kylo if he could.
“I’m scared,” Kylo whispered finally. Hux closed his eyes and nodded.
“I know.”
“The light is still there. Why won’t it leave?”
Because it isn’t supposed to , Hux wanted to say. Because there’s too much good in you.
“You just have to try harder,” is what Hux said instead.
-
Hux watched the command vessel get hit, watched as time seemed to slow, the fire seeping and engulfing, tearing the metal from the steel skeleton of the ship. He and Kylo were on the ground, a simple scouting mission on the surface of an outer rim planet. The Resistance wasn’t supposed to have found them, wasn’t supposed to have ambushed their landing crew.
Hux watched the explosion, and prepared himself for the blast. He and Kylo were too close -- too foolish. Hux closed his eyes, felt Kylo’s arm snake around his waist and pull him close. He felt the fire, but it wasn’t the burning kind. The fire he felt was in his chest, a dark and capable fury, a rage that burned inside of Kylo -- and in turn inside of Hux, because that was what it meant to feel what Kylo felt.
The pain didn’t come. Hux blinked against the dust around them, stared in awe from where he was tucked against Kylo’s chest. The Knight had one arm outstretched, the area around them crackling with a stifling blue light. They were safe from the flames, protected as they swelled and faded. The air inside their shell was cool and alight all at once.
“Are you alright?” Kylo ground out, his arm still outstretched as he turned to face Hux. Hux couldn’t see his face, but he could feel the wild panic in his chest, could picture the fearful expression on the other’s face.
Hux nodded, speechless and gaping at the energy that surrounded him. He didn’t step away from Kylo until the fire had subsided and Kylo dropped the Force walls. Kylo didn’t say anything to Hux, just turned away and drew his lightsaber. Hux snapped into action as well, calling on the coms and analyzing the damage.
They were leaders, and so they lead.
Back on board the Finalizer, Hux allowed himself a moment of astonishment. Hux understood very little about the Force. He’d never seen something so powerful before.
“I didn’t know you could do that,” Hux said, following Kylo to his quarters.
“I can’t,” Kylo growled. The flare of emotion in Hux’s chest wasn’t pride like he assumed it would be. Kylo was ashamed.
“What do you mean?” Hux stood at the door, watching as Kylo ripped his helmet from his head, dropping it onto the ground with a resounding crash. Kylo paced back and forth near his bed, struggling with his hood.
“Did anyone see?” Kylo demanded.
“See what? The… bubble?” Hux asked, at a loss for what to call the events that transpired earlier that day.
“The Force Shield, yes! Did anyone see it?” Hux felt Kylo’s shame turn to panic, fluttering between horror and anger.
“No, no one saw. Everyone else was still with the second troop--”
“Good,” Kylo said, rounded on Hux and fixing him with a cold stare. “You can never tell anyone what happened.”
“What? Why ?”
“You don’t understand the force, Hux. You don’t--”
“Then explain it to me.” Hux twisted his face into a scowl, meeting Kylo’s glare with one of his own.
“You won’t get it.”
“ Try me .”
Hux felt Kylo’s panic shift into anger, felt it simmer and boil before breaking all together. Kylo’s shoulders slumped, and he dropped his eyes to the floor. Hux relaxed his face and watched Kylo carefully.
“Okay. Okay, I’ll tell you. But you can never tell anyone. You can never let Snoke know.”
“You have my word.”
Kylo hesitated a moment, running his tongue over his bottom lip before letting out a sigh. “That technique, the Force Shield, it’s something I learned when I trained with Skywalker. It’s… it’s not something Snoke would approve of. It’s inferior. It’s…”
Kylo trailed off, gaze focused on the ground. Hux heard the end of the sentence as though it were spoken aloud though, Kylo’s voice inside his head. It’s what Jedi use.
“I see,” Hux said. Kylo snuck a glance upward, catching Hux’s eye. Hux wished then that he could do as Kylo did, that he could smother Kylo’s mind with affection, reassure him that the light inside him wasn’t shameful, it was beautiful.
Kylo’s lips twitched into the tiniest of smiles. Hux took that to mean somehow, Kylo got his message.
-
Hux pressed bruising kisses into the column of Kylo’s throat, dug his fingertips into pale hips so hard they left angry red marks. Hux felt Kylo’s anticipation in his chest, felt the hunger Kylo forced into Hux’s mind. Hux trailed his hands along Kylo’s back, dug his nails into the soft skin and pulled him closer. Kylo whined as Hux dug his teeth into the curve of his shoulder, never fearful of leaving marks on Kylo’s skin, always covered by his dark cloaks.
“Kylo,” Hux breathed against the angry mark, the tattoo of Hux’s mouth on Kylo’s ashen skin. The desire in Hux’s chest fluttered, shifting into something uncertain, something curious. Hux pulled back, meeting Kylo’s eyes and waiting for an explanation. Hux was used to Kylo’s ever shifting emotions when they fucked -- what he wasn’t used to was the apprehension Kylo was feeling this time around.
“Kylo?” Hux asked, concerned this time. Kylo stared wide eyed at Hux before surging forward, pressing their lips together.
“Ben,” Kylo whispered against Hux’s lips. “Call me Ben. Please .”
“Ben?” Hux repeated, the name foreign on his tongue. Hux knew where it came from, knew what it meant. Kylo squeezed his eyes shut, kissing Hux with a panicked fervour.
“Please,” Kylo begged. The apprehension in Hux’s chest was simmering, hesitating between anxiety and absolute desire.
“Okay,” Hux agreed, pushing Kylo off him, flipping them in the bed. Kylo flopped backward, his face flushed as Hux straddled him. Hux splayed his hands on Kylo’s marred chest, admiring the galaxy of bruises painting his smooth skin. “Listen to me, Ben . You’re going to do what I say, and not complain when I fuck you so hard you can’t walk.”
Kylo’s pupils were blown wide as he gave a single nod. The heat in Hux’s chest had returned, Kylo wasn’t scared anymore. Hux gave a wicked grin, and leaned forward for another bruising kiss.
Hux expected a sorrowful aftermath, anticipated Kylo’s heartache to blossom after hearing Hux scream the unfamiliar name as he came. But there was no breakdown, no regret. Kylo nuzzled close to Hux, arms wrapped lazily around his lover’s waist. Hux laid awake, feeling the hollow of his chest where Kylo still pushed emotions, even in his sleep. There was only contentment, only affection.
Somehow, that was scarier to Hux than if he had felt remorse for the request.
-
Hux was right to believe there would be repercussions. With Kylo, there usually were. As Hux entered the bridge of Starkiller Base he glanced at the men and woman manning the controls before resting his gaze on the sulking figure near the window.
“Ren,” Hux greeted stiffly as was per usual with the two of them when others were present. Hux turned to address Lieutenant Logan, intending to ask about Captain Phasma’s latest troop report, but was frozen by a crackling, angry energy. The Force itself wasn’t painful, but the invisible hand around his throat was.
“That’s not my name,” Kylo growled. Hux slid his eyes toward the other man, whose arm was outstretched and reaching toward the general. Kylo voice, dark and cruel inside Hux’s mind hissed, How dare you mention last night.
“I said -- Ren --” Hux choked out. Kylo’s hand dropped instantly, his embarrassment and alarm a sharp spike in Hux’s chest as he fell to his knees, gasping for breath. Kylo whirled away from Hux, fleeing the room without another audible word. Hux heard his response loud and clear though: I’m falling apart .
“General,” Lieutenant Logan said, rushing forward to help Hux. Hux waved him away, climbing to his feet without help and barking out a command to stay focused before rushing from the room after Kylo.
“Kylo,” Hux growled, sweeping into the conference room after the Knight. Hux locked the door behind them, fixing Kylo with a dark stare. Kylo paced the length of the room, struggling with his heavy cloak. He tore the mask from his face as if it were suffocating him, tears already hot and angry in his eyes.
“I didn’t mean to-- I didn’t--”
“Get ahold of yourself,” Hux bellowed. Kylo turned toward him, shoulders hunched and feeling small under Hux’s angry gaze. Hux could feel Kylo’s panic, but he ignored it just as he ignored his own. “That was inexcusable behavior.”
“I didn’t mean to,” Kylo yelled, voice cracking. “I thought--”
“Thought I called you Ben ?” Hux hissed, advancing on the other man. “Like you asked me to?”
Kylo took a step backward, his knees bumping the table behind him. He braced himself against the surface, his hands shaking. Hux felt Kylo’s fear, sharp and angry.
“You -- You shouldn’t have said yes.”
“You shouldn’t have asked .”
“I was weak,” Kylo defended, eyes darting about Hux’s face.
“Nothing new there,” Hux spit.
Hux hated himself. He hated the intimidating square of his shoulders, hated talking to Kylo with such darkness. Hux felt his own heart breaking, felt it cracking and crumbling alongside Kylo’s own. He wanted nothing more than to cradle Kylo’s face in his hands and kiss him senseless.
Hux wanted to drop his mask and tell Kylo everything was alright. But Hux’s mask didn’t come off, it never had.
Kylo had too much good in him -- to much goddamn light -- and Hux knew if he was ever going to survive here, in the hell of the First Order, he had to hide it. He had to forget about it. Hux hated that Kylo ever came here, hated that they’d ever met, because now Hux had to be the one to kill the good in the man before him.
“I’m sorry ,” Kylo sobbed, pressing back further into the table.
“You’re foolish, Ren. You say your birthright means nothing to you, then you crawl back to it in anyway you can.”
“My family means nothing to me,” Kylo promised.
“ Then prove it ,” Hux growled, spinning on his heels and stalking from the room.
Hux kept it together until he reached his quarters. It was then that he fell to his knees, arms around his stomach, holding himself together as he let his walls fall. He could feel Kylo’s anguish, could feel it meld with his own.
Hux had a heart. It was buried deep, it had been locked away for years, but it was alive, and it burned . Hux’s heart knew only one name -- a name Hux sobbed as he knelt on the unforgiving floor, hands clasped in a mockery of a prayer.
(There was no one who could give Hux forgiveness. Monsters didn’t deserve vindication.)
-
They didn’t talk about that day. Hux called a meeting with the officers who had witnessed Kylo’s outburst, and swore them to secrecy. Kylo still filled Hux’s hollow chest with affection, still remained hopelessly devoted to the person who caused him so much pain.
(Hux supposed that was Kylo’s fatal flaw: He loved people who would kill him.)
They still kissed -- with tenderness, because it had become all they knew. They still fucked -- Hux yelled nothing but the Knight’s name.
-
Hux felt the moment Kylo killed Han Solo. He felt the moment before, as well. Felt the torment and the fear. Kylo pleaded for someone to do something, to somehow save him. Hux was too far away, too disconnected to stop it.
Kylo drove a lightsaber through his father’s chest. Hux felt the pain as if it were his own.
-
The snow burned against Hux’s face, his feet pounding against the frozen ground as he ran -- too slow no matter how he tried -- to find Kylo in the depths of the forest. He could feel Kylo’s pulse thudding sluggishly alongside his own. Kylo was alive, Hux could feel it. He could also feel the bond weakening.
Kylo was alive, but Hux couldn’t say for how long.
Hux forgot all about his mask -- his perfect facade -- as he dropped beside Kylo’s limp form. Hux’s hair fell into his face, sweaty and wrecked from the wind. Kylo’s blood painted the snow beneath him -- painted Hux’s fingers as he searched for a pulse. He already knew it was there, though. He could feel it inside his own veins, more precious than his own.
For a moment, just before Hux scooped Kylo into his arms and struggled to his feet, Hux came to terms with something he had known for far too long.
No matter where they were and what worlds formed between them, Hux’s heart could never beat without Kylo’s beside it. There could be no end for one that didn’t also end the other.
-
Hux heard whispers about him throughout the ship. Back on board the Finalizer --Kylo tucked safely in the medical wing and Hux torn between staying with him and conducting his crew -- Hux heard what they said about him.
He carried Ren himself.
Didn’t just carry him, healed him. Wouldn’t let anyone touch him.
I heard he died out there, that the girl killed him.
No, no, the General saved him.
The General didn’t save him. The General sent him out there to die.
Hux himself wasn’t sure what was true anymore. He knew had carried Kylo to the command vessel, had barked out orders and pressed blood-soaked cloth to his wounds. The memories were blurry though, hazy and half formed. Hux couldn’t remember if he had been the one to wrap Kylo’s wounds, couldn’t remember if he kissed Kylo’s cold, slack mouth in front of his Lieutenant, or only once they were alone.
Hux didn’t know much of anything anymore.
(Had he sent Kylo to die?)
(Did Kylo return, or did someone else?)
Hux pressed a palm to Kylo’s pale face, covering his uninjured cheek with a gentle hand. Hux felt Kylo’s heartbeat, felt Kylo’s sorrow deep inside his chest. Even as Kylo slept he suffered. Hux would give anything to set him free.
-
“I killed him,” Kylo said, voice hoarse and fading when he awoke. Hux watched his soft brown eyes blink up and search for something in Hux that they’d never find.
“I’m aware,” Hux said regarding Kylo carefully.
“You.. You are?” Kylo frowned, his movement wrinkling the stiff white bandages across his face.
“I heard the report from onboard the Starkiller,” Hux took a seat beside Kylo’s bed. He’d rushed there when he’d heard of Kylo’s awakening. The crew had strict orders to find Hux the moment Kylo opened his eyes. “I also… felt it.”
“Felt it?” Kylo blinked. Hux blinked too.
“Here,” Hux said, laying a hand just below his collarbone.
“Oh,” Kylo’s gaze fluttered downward, studying the curve of Hux’s neck before resting finally on Hux’s long fingers, placed directly over his heart. “I didn’t mean for you to.”
“I’d think not,” Hux agreed. He let out a deep sigh and stood, walking toward the door.
“Wait--” Kylo struggled to sit up, panic spiking in Hux’s chest as Kylo reached toward the general. “Don’t leave.”
“I’m not,” Hux said, tapping the access pad and swiftly locking the door before turning back to Kylo.
Hux took deliberate steps toward Kylo, shrugging his great coat from his shoulders and draping it over the foot of Kylo’s bed. Kylo shuffled away from Hux, giving him room to climb onto the mattress beside the injured man. Hux sat near Kylo’s knees, one foot resting on the ground and the other tucked underneath him. They watched each other for a long moment, Kylo’s apprehension making Hux feel sick.
“What are you doing, Kylo?” Hux asked.
Kylo dropped his gaze to his hands in his lap. His pulse quickened. Hux felt it.
“I don’t know,” Kylo admitted. “I’m… I’m proving that they don’t mean anything to me.”
“Don’t-- Don’t just say what you think I want to hear, Kylo. You killed your father,” Hux felt Kyo’s spike of regret in his own chest, “now tell me why.”
“Because I had to,” Kylo stole a glance at Hux before looking back at his hands. Hux busied himself with pulling off his gloves as Kylo continued. “He was my tie to the light. Now I am strong with the Force.”
“Tell me the truth,” Hux scooped Kylo’s hands into his own, scooted closer to Kylo on the bed, “Are you happier now?”
Kylo just blinked at Hux, eyes dark and watering. He tightened his fingers around Hux’s, clutched him closer. Though he offered no explanation, Kylo pushed his grief into Hux, a great gasping monster of regret blossomed in Hux’s chest, and that was more than enough of an answer.
“Okay,” Hux said, shifting his position so he leaned against the headboard beside Kylo. Kylo reacted immediately, tucking himself against Hux’s side and winding his shaking, pale arms around Hux’s waist. Hux held his shoulders tightly, pressed kisses into his hair, and waited.
-
Years ago, Hux saw a boy who wanted nothing more than to hide. That boy had his mother’s eyes, had his father’s heart. Hux hadn’t cared then what the boy could do , he only cared where he came from .
(Somewhere in the galaxy, there was a woman who had lost everything. Hux held in his arms a missing piece to her puzzle -- shattered now. Hux was an honorable man. He’d learned long ago that if you steal something, you should give it back.)
Hux saw the same boy again. Hux had since learned where his home was, now all Hux cared about was how to get him back there.
-
“How long before we reach Snoke?” Kylo asked as Hux entered the medical wing, taping the door closed behind him.
“Two days,” Hux answered, grabbing Kylo’s medical report and scanning it quickly. “Are you prepared to see him?”
“I don’t know,” Kylo huffed. “You’re the one holding the med sheet.”
“I don’t mean physically,” Hux said, dropping the holopad and stepping toward the head of the bed. “You’re fine on that front. You’ll almost certainly be released later today. I mean in here.” Hux punctuated his sentence with a tap to Kylo’s forehead. Kylo snatched Hux’s hand away, holding it between both of his.
“Taking up therapy now are we?” Kylo teased, smirking at Hux. Hux twitched the corner of his mouth into the tiniest of smiles. It disappeared as soon as it appeared, though.
“The Force, Kylo. I’m talking about the Force.”
“The Force is fine,” Kylo said, dropping his gaze to the hands in his lap, Hux’s fingers wrapped around his own. “I don’t even feel the light anymore.”
Hux felt Kylo’s flare of shame, a tinge of panic.
“Why are you lying to me?” Hux asked, dropping onto the bed beside Kylo, facing him head on.
“I’m not lying--”
“I can feel it, Kylo.” Hux snatched his hand away, fixing Kylo with a disappointed stare. “And I’m sure the Supreme Leader can feel it, too.”
“I can hide it from Snoke,” Kylo said. What Hux heard was, But not from you.
“You better hope you’re right,” Hux said, though he knew he wasn’t. With his mask lost in the wreckage of Starkiller Base, Kylo had nothing to hide behind. Hiding had always been Kylo’s flaw -- Hux knew it was going to get him killed.
“You’re not supposed to feel it, you know?” Kylo asked, reaching for Hux’s hands again and twisting them in his own. Kylo pushed affection onto Hux, something warm and glowing. Hux watched Kylo. He had a tiny smile on his face, bottom lip pinched between his teeth. There was a light in his eyes that didn’t belong on board the Finalizer.
“I see.”
“I don’t know why you can, but…” Kylo shrugged, and Hux heard the rest of the sentence, unspoken but audible in his mind: But there’s no one else in the galaxy I’d rather share this with.
Hux hated Kylo. Hated his stupid giddy smile, too innocent and loving for what was about to happen. Kylo wasn’t meant for the First Order, wasn’t meant for the darkside, but he was meant for Hux -- or at least he thought he was. As long as Hux was here, as long as Hux let Kylo love him, Kylo would never leave.
And if Kylo never left, he would surely die.
Hux knew what he had to do. He’d always known.
“Stay out of my head, Ren,” Hux said, but it wasn’t yet cold. There would be plenty of time for that later. For now it was teasing, warm and alright with tenderness.
They kissed -- and Hux knew it was for the last time.
-
Kylo was released from medical later that day as Hux predicted. He searched half-heartedly for Hux as traveled towards his quarters, but was much too eager to be rid of the awful hospital feel to look too thoroughly. It took Kylo almost an hour to see the letter, sealed tightly and sitting on Kylo’s pillow. His name was written on one side. The rest of the envelope was blank.
Kylo flopped onto his bed and ripped it open. He recognized Hux’s neat scrawl immediately.
Kylo,
It pains me to do this in such a manner, but things have come too far for me to continue lying. Our engagements have long since been inappropriate for a work environment. I assumed they would end on their own, but I realize now I was foolish to believe so. This has simply gone on too long.
It’s better for both of us if we keep this relationship professional.
My sincerest apologies.
General Hux
From across the ship, Hux felt Kylo’s heart shatter. His own had broken long ago. Knowing they both suffered didn’t lessen the pain.
-
Kylo slammed his fists against Hux’s door. Hux heard but didn’t open up. He buried his face in his knees, and his fingers in his hair, and grit his teeth as he agreed with every word Kylo yelled.
You’re a goddamn liar, Hux.
We were worth more than a fucking letter.
You can hear me, I know you can. You can feel it, too.
I loved you.
Hux ignored it, just like he had ignored everything else in his life. He masked his pain, masked Kylo’s too, and told himself he was doing this out of compassion, not cruelty. It had to be this way.
Hux found reprieve from his suffering when he got a call from Lieutenant Logan, asking him if the departure of the escape pod had been on his authorization. Hux said it was.
Hux told Supreme Leader Snoke the same thing.
Snoke had a punishment for traitors. Hux wasn’t afraid to face it.