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He’s not angry, not really. He’s… worried. This is not the first time when he noticed and he doesn’t want to know how many times he didn’t. Or somebody else. So he’s worried. A lot. And maybe, just a little maybe even angry. Annoyed. Okay, so he is angry in the end. Would it really be so much trouble to let Doc to have a look at him after mission? Kaidan clenches and loosens his fists several times while he’s waiting for Normandy’s elevator to stop on his floor and take him up. It’s a simple movement but helps him a lot to release the stress that he’s felt cumulating for few hours.
Captain’s cabin, that where he is heading. The door closes.
He knows that Shepard was shot during the ground mission from which they came back about three hours ago. He was there, he saw it. And he also knows that Shepard hasn’t reported to Med bay yet. Because he was there as well. Medical check. Like that would ever happen! He keeps trying to understand how Shepard can look after everybody else’s well-being while being so oblivious to his own. He admires John’s devotion to his crew and their mission. He loves him and he wouldn’t change a thing about him…
… if only Shepard would take more care of himself.
Kaidan’s short journey up to captain’s deck is over and he leaves the elevator determined to confront John with his lack of self-preservation habits. He does understand that Shepard needs to do all the crazy things he is doing to win the war, but skipping his med checks is not one of them.
He re-thinks the words he’s about to address Shepard when he steps into John’s cabin, but whatever speech he trained is lost in the sight of a nice piece of ass that is probably connected to Shepard’s body somewhere. Hard to tell as the rest of him is well hidden under the desk.
Kaidan wants to call at him and let Shepard know that he’s here, but then John makes this slow and careful move in attempt to reach further and Kaidan stays silent and simply admires the view. These are pretty fine curves over there and suddenly Kaidan’s mouth waters while his body moves on its own accord to get closer to touch, to slap, to hold, to strip… It’s the hissing sound of closing doors behinds his back that breaks the spell. Kaidan stops abruptly, shifting from one leg to the other and tries hard to not pay any attention to his fast hardening member. It’s not so easy job when he pushes uncomfortably against the Alliance issued briefs.
I’m really lost case.
Kaidan shifts his weight back to his left leg and clears his throat. "Uhm… hey Shepard?"
Then it all happens way too fast. Kaidan didn’t mean to startle his commander but Shepard was obviously focused on his task too deeply to acknowledge Kaidan’s presence so it catches him by surprise. Quickly he tries to turn around and stand up but forgets he’s still under the table if the loud bang that resounds in the room says anything.
Kaidan hunkers down. "You okay there?" he asks with poorly hidden amusement in his voice.
Long line of quiet curses is slipping from Shepard lips while he extricates himself from under the table more slowly now. Then both of them get to their feet. Shepard is rubbing the hurting spot on his head and Kaidan is grinning.
"Find this funny? I almost break my skull," Shepard scold Kaidan with pained expression.
"With the stubborn head of yours? I would be more worried about the table," Kaidan laughs and Shepard finally gives in and gives a short laugh as well.
"What were you doing there anyway?" Kaidan asks curiously. It didn’t look like the datapad that had fallen behind.
"Chasing my hamster," Shepard admits with a sigh. "I almost had him. But he’s so fast for something so tiny."
Kaidan laughs again. It’s such a rare occasion to see Shepard confused and cheated by something so unimportant. And this look on his face. All the more reason to laugh.
Shepard frowns and Kaidan coughs to cover that he’s still laughing.
"So, hamster."
"Yes."
"Uhm." Kaidan cannot keep his face serious.
"Fuck you," Shepard turns and goes down the stairs to his couch but Kaidan spots the smile curving Shepard’s lips up before he’s fully turned away.
"Why did you let him out?" Kaidan offers the olive branch and follows Shepard to the couch area, sitting opposite to his man.
"I don’t want to keep him shut in all the time," Shepard answers and Kaidan waits because there’s obviously more into it. "It’s pretty small place and he’s alone there most of time." It still seems he wants to add something but he doesn’t.
Maybe Kaidan is over-thinking things again. It’s just a damn space hamster they are talking here about. Right? But are they really? Shepard looks bugged and Kaidan wonders what memory the hamster’s prison break triggered.
Prison break.
"We never talked about it, actually" Kaidan says quietly, proceeding with caution on the unmapped territory of Shepard’s bad experiences. He hopes he’s wrong this time.
"About what?" Shepard asks nonchalantly, but tone of his voice gives him away. He knows what Kaidan’s question is aiming at.
Kaidan fixes John with a stare. It’s always been so difficult to coax Shepard into talking about the time he spent with Cerberus and what followed, before Mars. It’s Kaidan’s fault that Shepard is so scared to talk about it, Kaidan knows, so it’s not fair to be frustrated by his silence. Still.
"Did you feel like that? Trapped, lonely?" he tries. It’s not easy to ask these questions.
"I was placed under arrest, Kaidan. Of course I felt trapped," Shepard laughs unhappily. Then he waves his hand to silence Kaidan’s protests.
"It wasn’t as bad as it sounds. I felt like I deserved to be there, so…" Shepard pauses for a moment. "But knowing that Reapers are coming and I’m sitting there doing nothing… Knowing that others are doing nothing as well, that was killing me."
Kaidan simply nods.
"I killed these Battarians and…"
"You didn’t kill them, Shepard," Kaidan interrupts and his voice is both demanding and pleading. "Not being able to save them is not the same as killing them," he adds resolutely but he’s pretty sure that his objections won’t get through Shepard’s guilt.
"Whatever," Shepard shakes his head. He won’t bog down to such philosophical discussion. Not today. Not even tomorrow. "But I did felt lonely. A lot," he continues. "Being stripped of Normandy was bad but being away from my crew, that was worse," his voice trails off with every spoken word and Kaidan wonders if that was too much for Shepard to discover.
"They are good people," he tries to make it easier for John. He knows Shepard is not talking about people he met while working for Cerberus, because he thinks Kaidan hates them. Kaidan is genuinely sorry for his mistrust causing all the tension between them. But he can do only this much now, slowly working on making things better.
At least now it’s working and Shepard smiles. "Yeah, they are," he nods.
They are silent for couple of minutes, each of them sorting through his own thoughts.
"But I wasn’t alone all the time, you know. There was this sweet kid, keeping me company for several hours every day," Shepard breaks the silence with wistful expression on his face.
"You mean Vega?" Kaidan asks and he can’t believe Shepard would…
"Yes. James is good buddy," Shepard confirms his worst concerns.
Kaidan doesn’t like Vega. He’s good soldier, not arguing about that, but… C’mon. How can Shepard even like him? He’s too noisy, overfamiliar and his admiration toward Shepard borders on obsession!
"He’s handsome, too," Shepard puts more oil into the fire.
Kaidan fixes him with his stare and now it’s Shepard’s turn to laugh.
"Now you are just being an asshole," Kaidan retorts but his lips are twitching.
"You should see your face. You are hilarious when jealous," Shepard is still grinning.
Kaidan’s want to give him piece of his mind but he stops. He is. Jealous, that is. He’s jealous of Vega because of all the time James spent with Shepard and Kaidan didn’t. He envies him every talk they had, every poker game they played, every training they took together.
"Kaidan," Shepard whispers softly, fully serious this time, and takes Kaidan’s head in his own. "There hasn’t been anything between us," he wants to make that clear.
"I know," Kaidan doesn’t let him to continue and smiles weakly. "I envy him that he was with you when I was too stubborn to…"
"Shhhh… We’re here now," Shepard comforts his boyfriend the best way he knows – he tilts his head and presses his lips against Kaidan’s.
"Let’s go to bed," Kaidan suggests breathlessly when their lips part again.
Shepard doesn’t reply, just stands up and reach out to help Kaidan on his feet. It’s short way to Shepard’s bed and few minutes later, they are both lying on it, stripped to their briefs, rest of clothes discarded next to the bed. It’s when Shepard rolls on his side that Kaidan remembers why he came in the first place. There’s bloodstained patch on Shepard’s right thigh and Kaidan’s frown.
"You mind if I check it?" Kaidan points at Shepard’s wound.
John seems to be surprised it’s even there but moves his hand away to give Kaidan better access. Kaidan removes the patch. The wound is not deep and as far as he can tell, Shepard treated it well, but it doesn’t stop him from reaching to the bedside drawer and applying new layer of medi-gel.
"I’ll be right back," he informs Shepard as he jumps out of bed, going to bathroom to clean his hands and obtaining new patch.
Shepard nods wordlessly but seats himself against the pillows to be able to watch Kaidan leaving and coming bad. He will never be tired of watching Kaidan coming back to him. To his bed, preferably. John smiles and waits patiently.
But it takes Kaidan too long to wash his hands and fetch one patch from Shepard’s first aid kit and there are some strange noises coming out of the bathroom so he leaves the comfort of his den and goes to check the situation. He’s half the way to the stairs when Kaidan emerges from Shepard personal bathroom, victorious smile brightening his face. Shepard is almost reluctant to look away from it, but he’s curious what Kaidan is hiding in his palms.
"How did you catch him?" Shepard asks, envious.
"Biotic," Kaidan’s grin grows even wider.
"Cheater," Shepard smiles and takes his space hamster from Kaidans hands. He puts him back to his vivarium and strokes his back few times before the tiny body disappears in his little hideout. Kaidan watches John’s hands, so strong and well trained in holding guns, now gently petting the little thing.
Shepard places the box back on its place on shelf and faces Kaidan.
"Thank you." He won’t admit that he cares about that stupid little animal a big deal because he feels he’s not able to preserve much life, but hopefully he could manage to look after this.
"You are welcome." Kaidan’s smile is warm and knowing.
He patches Shepard’s wounded leg and they return to their bed together.
That night Shepard doesn’t dream about dark forest full of dead friends, nor he dreams about chasing running kid. He dreams about Kaidan and blue glowing space hamster.