Work Text:
I’m so in love with you. I really am.
Recently, I notice that I tend to stare. I stare at those messy, tangled curls. My hands long to thread through every strand. Untangle every single imperfection. Feel the softness on the pads of my rough fingers. Those freckles on your perfect face. They add such a soft detail that makes me just want to squeeze you till you're practically clawing me off of you. Your vibrant eyes, littered with hundreds of gleaming stars that glisten even from a far distance. Catching sight of them brightens up my whole world. God, when did you get so pretty?
I feel so different when I’m around you. I’ve never felt this way for anyone before. Never did I ever think I would be able to feel this way towards someone, especially not towards you.
You taught me that I could love too. Before, the thought of having a silly crush made me giggle. I thought it was so dumb. Icky feelings that would never touch me. Love was such a weird concept to me. Becoming the greatest hero was all I could focus on after all. When could I even make space to deal with the foreign feeling of love, right? That was until accepting you into my life changed everything.
I didn’t realize what it was till a little bit ago. I couldn’t explain the tingly feeling in my stomach at the sight of you. Every time I glanced at you, I’d have to rip my eyes off of you right away because my heart would start to throb. Beat quicker. My body would start to produce copious amounts of sweat whenever we would make eye contact. I’d feel so incredibly warm and there was a lingering, achy feeling I just couldn’t explain.
For awhile, I even thought that it was because I despised you so much. I forced myself to believe that it was my anger, not anything else short of that. The only thing I felt when I saw you was pure rage. That was why I thought of you every single moment of the day. Why hearing a single phrase could trigger the thought of your name, no matter the irrelevancy. Why every morning I woke up, my first thought was you.
But, fuck. It’s so difficult to deny it now. It doesn’t make sense to have your face infect my mind anytime I even see the color of your damn hair, and it never did. There is no other possible explanation other than it when worry floods my senses the moment you even so much as shift the tone in your voice. How could I be such a fool?
I find myself staring at you while your eyes are already wandering onto someone else. I watch the way your eyelids droop. I watch how your whole body seems to relax. I watch as that warm smile washes over your face time and time again.
Man, I can't contain the agony I feel when it happens. It leaves such a disgusting taste on my tongue. Jealousy is ugly, but envy invades my soul the moment she enters the room. That should be the way you react when you see my face, not hers.
I wish you’d look at me with those same green, longing eyes.
I wish you’d smile so brightly at the sight of me.
I wish your heart would race the same way it does when she accidentally nudges you.
I wish you’d blush at the mere sound of my voice.
I wish I could be the one to make you laugh like that—all contagious and muffled into your sleeve as you try to keep quiet to not bother those nearby.
I wish I could be the one that instantly floods your brain when you hear the word, “like.”
I wish you’d get nervous and fidgety around me in the same manner you are when she’s around, not out of unease.
I wish I was as beautiful as her. Delicate, gentle features that are easy to look at. A warmhearted smile that can light up a room within a millisecond.
I wish I wasn’t so constantly envious. Always yearning for more.
I wish I wasn’t a boy.
I wish loving you could be normal.
Maybe I messed it all up. You stayed by my side all this time. 12 years of cruel treatment from me, yet you decided to stay. I was always hurting you. Treating you as less than human just because of my own intolerance. It didn't chase you away like I wanted it to, and I'm so glad it didn't. Because now seeing you full of joy makes my heart go haywire in a different way than it did then. But now you’ve found someone new. Someone who only treats you with care and kindness. Someone who doesn’t push you away for simply being yourself. She has never willingly hurt you, and I can't remove that part of me that she completely lacks. No matter how actively I try and change, I'll never truly be released from my bad habits. On occasion, I'll notice the way your breathing gets uneven after my temper gets the worst of me, and I can now admit that it pains me so much knowing that I can evoke that reaction. You'll probably feel some sort of resentment for me for the rest of your life.
It was all my fault, and I'm scared. I'm so terrified because I don't want to hurt you ever again and thinking that the damage I have done is irreversible kills me inside. I can never erase the past. You and I will be stuck with the memories of the past for the rest of our lives. The fear is engrained into you, the anxiety, the judgement. It's all permanently integrated into your life and I'm the one to blame.
I think that if I never hurt you so badly that I would have a chance. If I had been your best friend, stuck by your side, defended you, protected your fragile heart back then instead of making your life a living hell, you could return these feelings. Probably. Or not. I don’t know. Now that I look back, I can’t resist myself from thinking that you might’ve loved me. When your eyes burned holes into the back of my head. The way you continued to gaze at me with such fondness even as I ruined your sense of self. Could it have been love? Or maybe I’m just trying to make myself feel better. Like I always do.
But I still hope someday that maybe, just maybe, you’ll look at me the same way I look at you.
I love you, Izuku.