Work Text:
Yoongi’s inspiration doesn’t all come back at once. It comes in random bursts. Cleaning his teeth he imagines a beat. Walking back from the gym he imagines a hook. Waking up in Hoseok’s arms he imagines opening line.
It’s been a couple of months since Yoongi’s started therapy and for the most part it has helped. He was reluctant to talk to someone about it at first. “There’s no reason why I’m sad I just am” But he was shocked to find there was more to talk about then he realised. In a lot of ways it was just really helpful to have someone help him get into a good routine again.
“Also getting a not getting a lot of sleep and having bad sleeping patterns can make mental illness worse.” His therapist, a middle aged women with a kind face had said to him during their first appointment. And it was true, although he still wasn’t great he found that having a better sleeping pattern had made him less stressed and his moods fluctuate less.
“So how has your sleeping been since last month?” His therapist had asked him in their last session.
“Yeah, it’s been a lot better actually. I’m getting to sleep within an hour or two and mostly sleep till morning.”
His therapist looked genuinely pleased as she smiled at him, “That’s excellent Yoongi! Do you think there’s any reason for that? Have you established a new routine or?”
Yeah a routine of having a certain boy slip into his bed every night when the other members have gone to sleep.
Yoongi blushed and spluttered, “Y-y-yeah I guess so…”
The therapist raised an eyebrow at him, “Is it something embarrassing?”
Yoongi brought both of his hands up, “No! No! Nothing like that!”
“I guess you could say… I don’t sleep alone anymore.” Then he realised how that sounded and spluttered, “But not like that! It’s completely innocent I swear!”
“Its fine Yoongi, I understand.” His therapist said trying not to smile “And even if you did I have no business to comment on your private life.”
Yoongi merely grunted as his mint fringe fell over his flushed face.
“But yes of course having someone sleep next you can be very comforting so I can understand why your sleep has been better.” The women nodded while writing notes into her book. Yoongi craned his neck trying to see what she was writing. When she looked up he sat up quickly and composed himself, smiling at her.
“So you are romantically involved with someone then? If you don’t mind me asking of course.”
“Ah- no not exactly…” Yoongi mumbled, playing with the ring on his middle finger.
Because Yoongi knew that the odd arrangement he has with Hoseok was completely platonic. Although Seokjin was thought as the “Eomma” of the group, nobody could deny that Hoseok was equally as caring. He took care of them all. Both his dongsaengs and his hyungs. It was often a joke among the boys that he was the most “husband material” out of all of them. So Yoongi knew it was just the same for him. He was no different to the others. So even though he found his heart leaping in his chest when the younger sent a smile his way or squished his body against his in that cramped single bed, he knew it didn’t mean anything.
***
Although Yoongi couldn’t deny that liked the younger’s attention, he didn’t like the fact that Hoseok looked after him because he was “broken”. Although Hoseok never explicitly said this, Yoongi knew it was true. Because before Yoongi’s depression they’d been close, sure. But it was the same attention he gave to the others. Now it was a special kind of attention. Reassuring smiles from across the practice room. And a comforting arm around his shoulder before a performance. But Yoongi would always tell his somersaulting heart that it didn’t mean anything.
“Hey hyung, can you listen to this for a sec?” Namjoon says as he takes off his headphones and looks at the older rapper. They’re both in the studio, trying to come up with songs for their new concept.
“Mm, sure.” Yoongi says as he puts down the notebook he was scribbling in and rolls his chair over to where Namjoon is sitting in front of the computer.
“I made this beat… and I thought it was pretty cool at first but isn’t it too heavy? It probably doesn’t go with our new concept too well.” Namjoon said hitting the play button. Yoongi listened tapping his finger on the desk, listening to the entirety of it before expressing his opinion.
“It’s good but… doesn’t it remember you of our “Dark and Wild” days?” Yoongi grinned at the younger.
Namjoon groaned putting his head in his hands as Yoongi laughed.
“Are you going to start wearing shades and gold chains again?” Yoongi smirked putting an arm round Namjoon.
“Are you going to start wearing those cute head bands again?” Namjoon grinned back, poking Yoongi in the forehead.
“Aish, get off!” Yoongi growled swatting at Namjoon’s face like an annoyed cat (and Namjoon made sure to tease him about that). Then Namjoon stopped and look towards the door, his hand still holding on to Yoongi’s wrists to stop the elder from hitting him again.
“Yo, Hoseok. What’s up?”
Yoongi followed Namjoon’s eyes to the door and sure enough saw Hoseok standing in the door way, his knuckle resting against the door as if he’d been in mid knock. His expression was unreadable but it wasn’t his normal goofy expression.
He stared at the two, biting his lip before he seem to catch himself then broke out into his usual grin, “Hm, yeah I’m fine.” He said smiling at Yoongi and went to sit down in the empty chair beside them. “What you guys up to?” He said to Namjoon but his eyes settled on Yoongi afterwards smiling softly.
Yoongi felt his face flush as he looked down at his lap.
“Helping Namjoon with some composing.”
“Hmm, I see.”
Yoongi tried desperately not to get caught up in that smile. He knew it was only because Hoseok had taken it upon himself to look after Yoongi.
“Is this what you guys are working on?” Hoseok gestured to Yoongi’s notebook on the other desk.
“Ah no this is mine.” Yoongi said rolling back to the other desk and picking up the little black book and hugging it to his chest.
“Yeah, he’s working on his own shit when he’s supposed to be helping me!”
“Yah, you brat! I was working on something for the group.” He argued opening up his notebook to the song in reference and shoving it in front of Namjoon. He watched nervously as the younger boys looked over his lyrics. It was different from the style he usually wrote in, but he was pleased with the result and thought it would fit their new concept well.
“This is great Yoongi!” Namjoon grinned at the older.
“Yeah I can’t wait to see what it sounds like to music.” Hoseok smiled and Yoongi’s heart did a black flip. Don’t. He thought. Don’t smile at me like that.
“So…” Namjoon said grinning cheekily “Who’s it about?”
“What?” Yoongi’s brow furrowed at the leader.
“Come on, it’s obvious you wrote this about someone…”
Yoongi’s eyes flicked nervously to Hoseok, who was biting his lip again. Feeling the older’s eyes on his though, his face broke into an infuriating grin.
“Ah! Does our Yoongi hyung have a crush?” He cooed at him.
Yoongi rolled his eyes, “Your being way too over the top, it’s annoying.”
“Ah, but you love it secretly hyung.”
“Hey, I like this line in the second verse.” Namjoon interrupted Hoseok’s teasing.
“Which one?” Yoongi looked over Namjoon’s shoulder as the younger pointed out the line.
Your someone who holds the whole world in the palm of their hand,
So I’m just grateful to be the one who awakes in your arms.
Yoongi felt his face burn as Namjoon winked at him. Yoongi hopes he dosen’t figure it out, but Namjoon’s not an idiot so he dosen’t hold out much hope. He just prays the younger knows to keep his mouth shut.
“Hey which line?” Hoseok put his hand on Yoongi’s shoulder and bent over him to try and see the notebook.
Without thinking Yoongi quickly snatched the notebook from Namjoon and shoved it too his chest. Avoiding Hoseok’s questioning eyes.
“You guys are fucking annoying. You can’t have my song anymore.”
“Aish, so immature. Your meant to be the hyung here, we were just teasing!” Namjoon face still in that shit eating grin of his.
He didn’t mean too but his eyes met Hoseok and immediately felt like he’d been burnt. He pushed his way past the younger and out the studio trying to get the image of Hoseok’s hurt face out of his mind.
***
For the rest of the day Hoseok keeps his distance. When they have a five minute break during dance practice, he goes and sits with Jimin and Jungkook at the opposite side of the room. Namjoon raises his eyebrows at Yoongi, but the older ignores him. It’s Seokjin who brings it up though. Coming over to join the two on the floor his voice dropping low.
“Hey guys, do you know what’s up with Hoseok?”
Yoongi avoids the leader’s eyes as he knows there probably burning a hole in the side of his head.
“He looks fine to me.” Yoongi answers gesturing to the other side of them room where Hoseok is dancing wildly to Beyonce while the maknaes are laughing at their weird hyung.
“No, he’s putting in on. Don’t you notice how he gets even more over the top when he’s upset or stressed about something.”
Yoongi acts like he has no idea, but his stomach drops painfully.
After practice Hoseok is the one who takes the longest telling the others to go on without him. Yoongi takes his chance and waits till everyone is out the room before approaching him.
“Hey… Hoseok-ah.”
Hoseok visuably stiffens at Yoongi’s present but plays it off smiling, “Yes, hyung?” Not meeting his eyes as he digs through his sports bag.
“I’m sorry about earlier…”
Hoseok looks up at Yoongi and smiles sadly, “No it’s fine, I was being annoying so I get it.”
Yoongi wants to tell him he’s not annoying, that he’s great and probably one of the funniest people he knows. But that would mean having to tell the truth about why he pushed him away. So he says nothing.
“You know…” He says pushing his fringe off of his sweaty forehead “These last couple of weeks I feel like things have improved.”
Hoseok smiles softly, “Yeah, I’ve noticed too. You seem happier. I’m really proud of you hyung.”
Yoongi’s heart flips in his chest and he’s caught off guard for a second, forgetting what he was going to say.
“Ah… yeah, thanks.” He stutters “Part of that is thanks to you. Thanks for being there for me. It really helped.”
Hoseok flushes and looks down as he shyly says, “Ah… thanks hyung. Anytime.”
Yoongi doesn’t know why Hoseok’s getting nervous but it’s making him feel more nervous. He sighs. Trying to build up the courage to say what he needs to.
“So… I don’t think I need you to sleep in my bed anymore.” Hoseok’s head snaps up, his expression unreadable.
“So yeah… you don’t need to worry about me. I’ve got my meds and therapy. Things can just go back to how they were.” Yoongi smiles in what he hopes is a reassuring smile.
“Are you sure?” Hoseok says a bit too loudly, before he catches him and says a little softer “Is that what you want?”
“Um… yeah.” Yoongi lies through his teeth feeling sick.
“Well, okay then.” Hoseok says shortly “I’ll see you back at the dorm.” He says as he grabs his things and walks quickly out of the practice room, leaving Yoongi alone and confused.
***
That evening when they’re all sitting together in the living, some anime playing that only really Jungkook and Taehyung are concentrating on, it’s Hoseok who’s the first to excuse himself muttering that he’s tired.
When the door to the room he shares with Namjoon and Yoongi closes behind him, the others exchange looks knowing that something is not right. Apart from Namjoon and Seokjin who are looking pointedly at Yoongi the entire time. Fucking Namjoon, he can’t keep anything from Seokjin.
Later that night when he slips into bed, he’s half expecting Hoseok to ignore his words to slip into his bed when Namjoon starts to snore. But of course, no one slips between Yoongi’s sheets and he lies there alone and awake.
It’s not too bad until his chest starts to tighten and breathing starts to quicken. Thought rush through his head at top speed. He’s going to die. He’s going to die and Hoseok probably hates him. And Yoongi doesn’t even really know why he even hates him yet.
It’s 2am when he sneaks out of the bedroom and into the office. He’s finally stopped panicking. But he knows he isn’t going to get any sleep tonight. So he stays up till 5am, writing songs like he’s possessed. He knows that they’re all probably shit but he has to get his feeling out somehow. So he writes song after song about a boy who messed up, so had his world dragged from under his feet and now he’s falling through the stars into darkness.
***
It’s 5:30 am when he sneaks back into bed and lays there in the darkness for half an hour until Hoseok’s phone alarm goes off. He squeezes his eyes shut as the two boys begin to wake up and climb out of bed. He waits until he hears Hoseok walk out of the room, before he allows himself to breathe again.
He feels Namjoon kick his with his foot.
“Yah, mointless min. Get up!”
Yoongi groans and acts like he’s just woken up from a very long sleep.
“You look like shit, did you get any sleep at all last night?”
“Thanks a lot. I actually slept great you dick, not my fault I’m naturally hideous.”
“Ugh, you know what I meant hyung.”
“Yeah I know, I’m beautiful.” Yoongi yawns and he can barely keep his eyes open as he gropes his way out of the room.
For the next two days Hoseok is definitely keeping a distance between the two, and even though Yoongi’s the one who caused it, he can’t say it dosen’t hurt. And it was different to usual. Seokjin was right. Normally when something bothers him, he goes overboard to try and hide it. But this time he was letting Yoongi know he was hurt. But that wasn’t all, Hoseok seemed angry at him. And he had no idea why? Well he had an idea, they’d had become a lot closer in the time Hoseok was there for him. Maybe Hoseok feels like Yoongi was just using him as a warm body and comfort when he was at his worst. Which makes Yoongi feel really shit.
The most notable event that confirmed Yoongi’s suspicions was when they were learning their new dance routine.
“Okay so at this point in the dance break, I want some tumbles and lifts.” The choregrapher said looking at his notes “Since that upgraded Dope choreography, were really gonna need to up our game.”
Yoongi heard Namjoon groan from behind him.
“I just wanted to be a rapper, I didn’t sign up for this!” Namjoon whined as Seokjin patted him on the back sympathetically.
“I hear you man.” Yoongi replied, contorting his face into an ugly cry and Namjoon snickered.
“Yah! Namjoon! Listen to me or I’ll choreograph your own special dance solo.”
Namjoon bowed apologetically, with a look of pure fear in his eyes. Yoongi smirk at the younger, his shoulder shaking with silent laughter. But his laughter died down as his eyes met Hoseok’s just across from Seokjin. Hoseok looked between him and Namjoon with an expression that could be described at the lightest as “pissed off”.
Yoongi tilted his head to the side as if to say “are you okay?” but Hoseok just rolled his eyes and turned away from the elder.
“Okay so Jimin and Jungkook you guys are okay with doing flips right?”
Jungkook nodded within out hesitation but Jimin looked a little worried.
“I can do it, but surely isn’t Hoseok hyung a better choice than me?”
“You’ll be fine Jimin, besides Hoseok is going to do some lifts instead and you might just be a little too small to be lifting people.” The choregrapher said with a grin.
Jimin pouted and mumbled something about “being stronger than anyone here”.
“Who will I be lifting?” Hoseok said looking around the room at those left over, most of whom were taller than him.
“I was thinking Yoongi. That okay with you?” He said looking at Yoongi.
Yoongi gulped, “Yeah… I’m okay with that.”
“Surely it would be better with either Jimin or Jungkook, they’re both more experienced.” Hoseok argued.
Yeah. Yoongi’s suspicions were definatly confirmed, Hoseok wanted nothing to do with him. “Jungkook and Jimin are doing flips, they won’t have to time to recover from that and then go straight into a lift.”
“Couldn’t you just re-choreograph it so they jump into the lift? Or even get Taehyung to be lifted? He’s light and a good dancer!”
“I’m sorry I’m such a shit dancer.” Yoongi spat out.
The man looked at the two boys in confusion before turning back to Hoseok. “Yah, Jung Hoseok! What the hells up with you? I’m the choreographer okay? This isn’t a choice, this is an order!”
“Sorry.” Hoseok mumbled, bowing slightly.
The man rolled his eyes before carrying on with his lecture, “Hoseok your part of a team. You have to work with your team mates no matter what. No matter what your personal feelings are. You’re here to do a job, not play around with your friends.”
With the way Hoseok was looking at him, he’d rather swap with Taehyung. But he knew better than to disrespect their choreographer.
They were on a break when Jimin sat down next to Yoongi.
“Wow, hyung. You must of done something really bad to piss Hobi hyung off.” His words were light, but he could see the concern he was masking with humour.
“I havn’t done anything.” Yoongi muttered. But he knew that wasn’t true. This was their cheerful, funny Hobi. He must have done something really bad to piss him off this much. Yoongi felt sick for the rest of the dance practice. Their choreographer obviously decided it was best to let Hoseok cool off before they worked on the lifts, because they just worked on the flips today.
Back at the dorm Yoongi went to bed early, just to get away from everyone. Plus he felt like he was going to collapse as he’d had no sleep at all last night. But of course as his head hits the pillow, he’s wide awake. He listen to the members go to bed one by one. Eventually Namjoon and Hoseok go to bed. The three of them lay in silence until Namjoon starts to softly snore. Normally this would be the point Hoseok and Yoongi would complain about their leaders sleeping habits and Hoseok would do exaggerated impressions of his snoring. But of course tonight was different.
Yoongi wanted to desperately to break the silence. It took all his will power not to go over to the others bed and slip between the sheets and crush his body against the youngers. But he didn’t. Eventually Hoseok’s breathing evened out and he was asleep. Yoongi lay there for an hour or two, then made his way to the office again. At some point in the early hours of the morning he did fall asleep. And that’s where Namjoon and Seokjin found him in the morning. With his head on the desk and papers with thousands of lyrics about the young rapper spread out all around him.
***
“What the fuck?” Namjoon muttered as he picked up a sheet of paper and uncovered a sleeping Yoongi underneath.
Yoongi groaned and squinted into the blinding light.
“Have you been here all night?” Namjoon asked incredulously.
“I just came to do some work a few hours ago. I must have fallen asleep.”
“Were you here last night as well?” He heard Seokjin’s voice and looked over his shoulder to see the elder gathering up the papers and putting them into neat piles on the desk.
“You guys know my sleep pattern.” He said dismissively, gathering up the papers around him to help Seokjin tidy up.
“Wow hyung.” Namjoon said picking up the sheets of lyrics and looking at them. “Our new album must be finished already?”
“Shut up, those are mine not yours.” Yoongi says snatching the papers from him.
“Oh yeah there not for me, there for Hoseok right?” Namjoon grinned at him and Yoongi’s head snapped to look at the younger. Of course he fucking knew.
“Fuck off!” He snapped at Namjoon as he slammed the office door shut. The last thing he needed was for Hoseok to know his not so platonic feelings when he practically wanted to murder him.
“Hyung it’s fine.” Namjoon said taking on a softer tone.
“We don’t blame you.” Seokjin smiled at Yoongi “Hoseok is really nice… and hot.”
Yoongi scoffed at the both of them, rolling his eyes (even though he couldn’t say that he didn’t agree).
“But not as hot as me right Seokjin hyung?” Namjoon said putting on a cutesy expression that made Yoongi want to throw up.
“Meh.” Seokjin just shrugged.
“Your so mean hyung!”
“Ew guys, please stop flirting it’s so gross.” Yoongi looked at the two disgustedly.
“Oh yeah hyung, we were discussing your love life weren’t we?” Namjoon grinned at Yoongi.
“Argh, please. Let’s not.” Yoongi got up off the desk chair and winced as he stretched out. His neck and back were killing him.
He made his way to the office door flipping Namjoon off as he called, “Were not done talking about this hyung!”
Their schedule for the days was as followed; a morning interview, filming for their V app and then dance practice into the evening. The morning interview was easy, it was for a news programme so there wasn’t as much pressure to be over the top or funny as there was on variety shows. The V app broadcast was a bit more of a struggle though. The tiredness was getting to him and he could feel everything start to become fuzzy. His mood wasn’t great either. He kept snapping at Jimin and Taehyung in the van on the way over here. So now three people were avoiding him. Nice going Yoongi.
He joined in with the games as best he could, but it didn’t help he was stuck on the “to grow” team with Jimin and Hoseok. About halfway through the episode Jimin seem to get over it though and he was back to being affectionate with his hyung. But Hoseok remained cold and distant throughout the broadcast.
On the way to the dance studio, Yoongi looked over the comments on V app.
Ahh~ adorable as always! But is it me or did Yoongi oppa look a bit sad ;-;
What’s up with Suga?
Lol is it just me or did J-Hope seem mad
What’s wrong oppa~~~
Yoongi sighed in frustration. It didn’t matter to him if he was fucking miserable, but if it was affecting the ARMYS then that mattered. He was so angry at himself. Not only had he messed up his own life but he was bringing others down as well. Their fans, the group, Hobi…
He opened up twitter on his phone and took a selca of him looking sheepish. He posted with it:
My dear ARMYs~ sorry I worried you OTL oppa needs to work on his resting bitch face doesn’t he? Kekekeke
Within seconds it was followed by replies of “we are relived you’re okay!” and “its fine oppa, just get some rest okay?” and Yoongi felt something warm in his chest. His fans were always so nice and supportive, even if had royally fucked up.
Of course the others started to get notifications on their phones and went to look.
“You okay hyung?” Taehyung asked from the back seat.
“Yeah, I’m fine Taehyungie. I was just tired so felt like I owned the fans an apology.”
“I bet you did this to get sympathy from the fans hyung.” Jimin teased him, poking his side.
“Aish, I’m not like you!” He smirked when Jimin pouted.
From the other side of Jimin, Hoseok was looking at Yoongi with a worried expression. When he met Yoongi’s eyes, he quickly turned away his cheeks turning pink. Yoongi felt his heart squeeze. He’s so cute.
***
“Alright guys!” Their choreographer turned off the music and turned to boys. “Good work, take five!” The members went off to the side to grab a drink and sit down (or collapse on the floor in Namjoons case)
“Hoseok, Yoongi! Come over here a sec!” The man beckoned the two over to where he was sitting next to the speakers.
Yoongi reluctantly got off the floor, his thighs screaming in pain as he did so. Hoseok didn’t even acknowledge the elder as he stood next to him. And Yoongi never felt like he wanted to hear the younger’s loud voice more.
“Okay, so tonight were going to work on the lift.” The choregrapher claps his hands, a grin on his face as he looked between the two boys and Yoongi knew he wasn’t going to like where this was going. “But Yoongi, as Hoseok put so delicately last time is a bit less experienced in this area…”
Yoongi saw Hoseok flinch out of the corner of his eye and avoided both their eyes.
“…I’m going to teach Yoongi some basic lifts in classical dancing so he gets an idea of how to be lifted and hold and support himself.”
Well that’s what the man said, but half an hour later Yoongi was wrapped around Hoseok’s trunk like a koala as Hoseok bent over. The other members were sitting at the side, screaming with laughter.
“Okay so Hoseok I want you to stand up, then Yoongi you have to flip yourself and Hoseok will support you head as he brings you between his legs and up into a standing position.”
“What.” Yoongi hissed.
“Please Seongsaeng-nim!” Hoseok begged as he looked up their dance teacher, the older man looking like he was trying not to laugh.
“Okay if you guys don’t have any questions, you can go. I’ll be here so don’t worry.” The man ignored them, his grin wide on his face now.
Their choreographer is a piece of shit. He’s obviously enjoying this. However Yoongi was abruptly brought back to reality as Hoseok swung his body upwards into a standing position. Yoongi squeaked and squeezed tighter as he was tipped upside. Great. He thought as his face was practically in Hoseok’s ass now. Yoongi heard Namjoon wolf whistle from behind him and if his hands hadn’t been occupied he would have flipped him off.
“Okay, Yoongi now you roll down…”
“I can’t.” Yoongi hissed clinging onto Hoseok for dear life.
“Yoongi it’s okay, I’m right here.” The man patted his back.
“No. I really can’t.” Yoongi whined.
All he could think about was the very real possibility of him face planting Hoseok’s dick.
“Kill me now.”
“I would if I could hyung.”
Upon hearing that Yoongi barked out a laugh. More out of shock then anything. And he felt relief flood through him. He knew that the two had a long way to go before things could be normal again. But Hoseok was talking to him again. Maybe things would be okay.
But they wouldn’t be if Yoongi got dick in the face. So he made his decision and rolled off Hoseok’s back. Their choregrapher yelped, trying to catch him but he was too late and Yoongi back smashed into the mat beneath them. All the member’s visually winced as Yoongi lay on the mat groaning.
Hoseok was hiding a smirk behind his hand. And despite his pain, Yoongi felt something warm curl in his stomach.
“Okay, I’m dead.” He said as he looked up at Hoseok’s grinning face.
***
The next morning the seven of them are sitting round the table eating breakfast together, courtesy of Seokjin. Yoongi tries not to fall asleep on Jimin’s shoulder as the others talk animatedly about a TV show they’re all watching.
“Hyung, are you going to eat something?” Jimin, his brow furrowing in worry.
“I’m not really that hungry.” Yoongi says and Seokjin looks at his with a disapproving look.
“It’s because you’re not getting enough sleep.”
“Your not getting enough sleep?” Hoseok says trying to sound casual, barely looking up from his breakfast.
“I’m sleeping fine.” Yoongi growls, glaring at the elder. Could he not bring this up when Hoseok’s right there?
Suddenly Hoseok drops his metal chopsticks and they clatter against his bowl. Causing everyone to look round at him. The younger gets up shaking slightly as he says, “I’m not hungry either.”
Then he turned and walked back to the bedroom, the door slamming shut behind him. Goddamn, just when he thought things might be getting better with Hoseok. Suddenly Yoongi felt sick of it all. Sick of the awkward atmosphere. Sick of Hoseok ignoring him. Sick of not knowing why Hoseok was so damn pissed off at him. So he pushed his bowl away muttering a quick, “Sorry hyung.” At Seokjin before following Hoseok into the bedroom.
He opens the door to find, Hoseok angrily making their beds.
“Why is it so goddamn hard to straighten a sheet.” He mutters as he wrestles with Namjoon’s bed cover.
“Hoseok.”
The younger ignores him as he continues to have a fight with Namjoon’s bed sheets.
“Look I’m sorry for whatever I did. But you’ve got too tell me why you’re so angry otherwise we can’t fix things.”
“If you were that disgusted or annoyed by me you should have told me from the beginning!”
“What?”
“Oh don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. It’s obvious you’d rather suffer sleep deprivation then be anywhere near me, I get it.”
“Hoseok your being stupid.”
“Am I hyung? Then why can’t I sleep in your bed anymore? Why can’t I help you out like any other friend would?”
Whe Hoseok looked at him, he could see the hurt in face.
Yoongi felt his heart clench in his chest as he murmured, “I can’t tell you.”
“You don’t have to spare my feelings. It’s fine I get it.” Hoseok spat as he threw down Namjoon’s duvet covet and walked out their bedroom.
Yoongi sat on his bed, running his hands through his mint hair. This is okay. Yoongi told himself. It’s better like this then him knowing. How disgusted would Hobi feel that he shared a bed when you… this is better. He tried to convince himself but the cold sick feeling in his stomach made him feel more alone than ever.
***
It was getting bad again. Not only had Yoongi not slept properly in about three days, but he also felt that familiar fog descend in his mind. But he didn’t have time to do anything about it. They had their Television Performance in less than a week now. He couldn’t tell the others, he didn’t want to let them down. So he worked hard in practice and spent their breaks curled up of a rolled up sweater willing himself to get some sleep because he knew when he got back to the dorm he’d just be staring at the ceiling for hours.
During the night be worked on music until he passed out at the computer. He had managed to put together 3 potential songs for the new album. Well he’d actually put together four but the last one he wasn’t going to share with anyone.
“I like them hyung…” Namjoon took off his headphone and looked at Yoongi smiling sadly, as he did when he was concerned about the elder. And it pissed Yoongi off.
“But what?” Yoongi snapped. “God damn it Namjoon, don’t look at me like that.”
“Aren’t they a bit sad?” Namjoon murmured.
“Well yeah.” Yoongi said sounding irritated as he ran his hand through his mint hair. “Not all songs can be happy, shit happens Namjoon-ah.”
“What shit has happened to you Yoongi?” Namjoon talking in that deep physiological voice that he often did and put a hand upon Yoongi’s one and Yoongi shook him off his hair curling in disgust.
“Nothing Namjoon! Look if you don’t like the songs, I can re-do them!”
“Of course I like them! I’m just worried about you!”
“Well there’s no need.”
“What about that other song…” Namjoon trying to sound casually as he twisted the headphone wire around his finger, not meeting the older boy’s eyes.
“What song.” Yoongi narrowed his eyes at younger.
“The one you were so desperate for Hoseok not to see.” Namjoon grinned as he looked back at Yoongi.
“Fuck you.” Yoongi hissed, but there was no anger in his voice. He was just tired off this whole conversation. Tired of Namjoon trying to make him talk about Hoseok when there was nothing to talk about.
“They were good lyrics.” Namjoon shrugged “Have you ever thought of including them in the album?”
“No.”
“But hyung…” Namjoon whined.
“No Namjoon.”
“But I don’t understand why-“
“Fuck Namjoon, don’t play dumb. We both know why I shouldn’t put that song in the album.”
“I don’t think Hoseok would care, he’d probably be pleased.”
“Hoseok hates me.” His voice came out more wobbly then Yoongi thought it would. He blushed and hid his eyes behind his fringe.
“He doesn’t hate you hyung… you guys really need to talk though.” Namjoon rubbed a hand over his face.
“I did! And he made it very clear he didn’t want to talk to me.”
“Well… maybe if you told him the truth…”
“Oh yeah, because that’s exactly what he wants to hear from the guy he’s pissed off with.” Yoongi whined, putting his head in his arms.
Namjoon patted his back comfortingly, but Yoongi knew he had more to say.
“Okay sharing time is over!” He stood up and grabbed his things.
“Yoongi… we were finally making progress.”
“Tune in next week for more…” But he cut off his own words as he opened the door to find Hoseok outside it. His hand was up as he was just about to open it. Hoseok’s mouth was open in surprise. But upon meeting Yoongi’s scared eyes, his mouth quickly pressed into a thin line and he pushed past Yoongi.
Yoongi’s heart was beating loudly in his chest as he walked down the corridor. He couldn’t have heard what they were talking about right? No, he had only just got there. But the beating in his chest didn’t quieten for the whole day.
***
It was finally the day of the showcase. And the panic attack awoke Yoongi from his sleep. He sat in the office chair, gripping the arms of the chair trying to calm his breathing. He didn’t even know why he was panicking. This sucked. It was Seokjin who found Yoongi, with his head in his hands an hour later.
“Yoongi… what is it? Your shaking.”
He said putting a hand on Yoongi’s shuddering back.
“I don’t know…” Yoongi croaked.
“Okay… okay…” Seokjin rubbed Yoongi back for a while. “Okay. I’m just going to get something. I’ll be right back.”
It took all of Yoongi’s pride not too grab onto Seokjin’s tshirt and beg him to stay with him. But instead he just nodded.
Seokjin came back five minutes later with a packet of pills.
“I take this sometimes before we go on flights, or I’m really nervous for a performance.” He said popping the pills out of their plastic pockets. “Take two, hopefully these will make you feel better.”
“What are these?” Yoongi looked at the pills, his mouth feeling dry. “Can I die from these?”
Seokjin smiled, “No Yoongi-ah. Their just calming pills, nothing bad will happen to you from taking them.”
It took a bit of convincing from Seokjin, until Yoongi finally agreed and swallowed both pills.
***
Seokjin POV
An hour later and Yoongi felt great as he snuggled up to Jimin on the sofa. Even Jimin who loved affection, was finding it a bit unnerving.
“Hyung, what’s wrong with him?” He looked across at Seokjin, who was across the room on the arm chair, with Namjoon across his lap.
“Yah, brat. Nothing’s wrong with me.” Yoongi murmured sleepily as he weakly smacked Jimin’s arm.
“Umm… Yoongi was a bit worried about today’s performance so I gave him some of my calming pills.” Knowing Yoongi probably wouldn’t appreciate him telling the whole story.
“What the one’s you take on the plane?” Namjoon whispered to him and Seokjin nodded.
“Damn, why didn’t we think of that earlier?”
“But Namjoon, these are only a short term fix we need to deal with this properly.”
“Isn’t he on meds?”
“Yeah, only for depression though. Not his anxiety. He really needs to see his therapist again. I don’t think he’s been in a few weeks.”
Namjoon listened, nodding occasionally and Seokjin knew he was in leader mode right now.
“Okay. I think both us need to talk to him at some point today. We really need to talk to our manager but I don’t think Yoongi would appreciate us doing that without him.”
Seokjin nodded and then looked up at Namjoon, worriedly biting on his lip.
“It’ll be okay.” He said softly, squeezing the younger’s leg.
He then felt a pair of eyes on him and he looked up to see Hoseok looking between Yoongi and him.
***
The pills seemed to wear off just in time for when they got to Music Bank. Yoongi was backstage, trying not to panic, when Seokjin and Namjoon dragged him off to talk to him privately. What was meant to be a calm conversation turned into Yoongi and Namjoon screaming at each other.
“Okay, if you don’t want to sleep with Hoseok that’s fine! But at least tell our manager so you can get some sleeping pills or something!” Namjoon yells back at him.
“Yoongi please.” Seokjin says softly, then pauses biting his lip, “Manager says he won’t allow you to perform if this gets worse.”
“How much worse?” Namjoon yells “This is a fucking mess Seokjin!”
“Okay. You don’t need to make me feel anymore shit then I already do.” Yoongi intends it to sound cold and sarcastic, but it comes out more like a whimper and he can no longer see their faces as his vision starts to blur.
Which is probably a good thing too as he didn’t really want to see how they reacted when he started crying. Namjoon just stands there uncomfortably and its Seokjin who goes over to Yoongi putting an arm round him and glaring at Namjoon.
“I’m sorry Yoongi hyung…” Namjoon mutters guiltily and Yoongi looks up to say that “it’s Namjoonie.” And to “shut the fuck up” but he doesn’t get to say it as his eyes lock with Hoseok standing in the doorway of the dressing room. He looks fucking beautiful. His hair is messy and parted down the middle and he’s wearing a blazer over a black v-necked top and black skinny jeans. It makes Yoongi want to cry even more. Hoseok’s expression is one of shock, then one of anger as he grabs Yoongi and pulls him after him. He looks over to the others, fear in his eyes. Namjoon and Seokjin looked shocked but make no attempted to help the rapper. Hoseok doesn’t stop until he reaches their managers room and Hoseok knocks, when there’s no answer he walks in anyway pulling Yoongi after him and shutting the door behind them.
Yoongi waits for his to shout at him, to call him an idiot, for anything. But when Hoseok looks down at Yoongi he face suddenly softens and he says quietly, “It’s not better is it?”
And Yoongi knows he can’t lie with fucking tears and make up streaked down his pale face so he just shakes his head.
“Okay.” Hoseok runs a hand through his hair, breathing out a shaky breath “Okay, so we really need to talk about this. But not right now.”
Yoongi looks up at him brows furrowed in confusion.
“I’m going to hug you, is that okay Yoongi?” Hoseok looks nervous as he bites his lip looking at him. Yoongi breathes out a shakey laugh, “Of course, you fucking idiot” And Yoongi beats him too it by bringing his arms around Hoseok’s neck and burying his head in his neck. And he feels Hoseok laugh as well as he brings his arms round Yoongi’s back and squeezes him. Fuck he’s missed this. And he dosen’t care if it’s platonic or not. He’s just really missed his Hobi.
“I missed this.” Yoongi felt Hoseok whisper into his ear and he shivered.
“So did I.” He agreed.
And Hoseok pulled him tighter to into his embrace and he stepped back and fell onto the black leather sofa. Yoongi squeaked and he ended up in Hoseok’s lap. Hoseok laughed as Yoongi tried to prise himself from the younger’s grip.
“I’m not sitting in your goddamn lap!” He growled, but he was giggling despite himself.
“Yoongi.” Hoseok suddenly said seriously.
“What’s been going on?” Yoongi’s looked at his lap and licked his lips nervously, “Well… things haven’t been better. They’ve started to get bad again.”
Hoseok nodded at him to go on. And this is what Yoongi loved so much about him. Even though he wasn’t good at talking to people. Hoseok would always listen to him patiently until he had finished.
“I’ve been starting to have panic attacks, especially at night. So I haven’t been sleeping.”
“Why didn’t you come to me Yoongi hyung?” Hoseok rubbed the elders back.
“I thought you hated me!” Yoongi argued.
“Yeah! Because you were the one who didn’t want me anywhere near you!”
“That’s not true… I just couldn’t let myself be near you.”
Hoseok looked at him with an unreadable expression. Did he know? Yoongi just stared back at him, holding his breath.
“And why’s that?” Hoseok asked, his breathing heavy.
“Because I like you.” He murmured.
“You mean like… like like?” Hoseok asked with a small smile, and Yoongi felt relief wash over his like a cooling wave.
Yoongi rolled his eyes and giggled, “Yes, I like like you, you overgrown child.”
Now Hoseok was full on grinning. “I thought this whole time, you were disgusted by me.” Hoseok breathed as he buried his face into Yoongi’s neck. This was a whole knew level of affection. But Yoongi thinks he could get used to this.
“The song was about you.” Yoongi blurted out before he could stop himself.
And Hoseok looked up at him eyebrows furrowed.
“God damn you, you don’t even remember.” Yoongi laughed hitting Hoseok’s arm. “When I didn’t let you see my lyrics last week. I’m really sorry. It was because I wrote the song about you.”
Hoseok was now grinning so much, it looked like his face would break in two.
“I wish I hadn’t told you now.” Yoongi said pushing Hoseok away, put Hoseok just held on tighter. Keeping Yoongi on his lap.
“Oh Yoongi hyung!” Hoseok shouted burying his face in Yoongi’s neck and giving it a kiss.
“Oh my god stop!” Yoongi blushed “You're so embarrassing.” And Yoongi could feel his whole body vibrate as Hoseok giggled into his neck. And it didn’t feel bad at all.
Suddenly the door opened and Yoongi whipped his head around, thinking of what excuse he could tell their manager as to why he was in his office sitting in Hoseok’s lap. But it wasn’t their manager, it was Seokjin and Namjoon and Yoongi didn’t know if that was better or worse.
Seokjin squealed and Namjoon’s face was grinning as they stared at the two of them.
“So….” Namjoon said wiggling his eyebrows “Did you two make up?”
Both boys blushed as they looked at each other.
“Sorry to interrupt you guys getting it on,” And Yoongi glared at Namjoon, who just grinned back before turning to the brunette with a more serious experession, “but Hoseok we’re on in ten minutes.” He looked at Hoseok pointedly. Yoongi had no idea what was going on, but Hoseok nodded.
When the two had left, he looked at Hoseok in confusion. The other rapper stroked his hair, with a sheepish expression on his face.
“Um hyung.”
“What Hobi.”
Hoseok looked at Yoongi sadly and cupped a cheek in one hand, “We’re not letting you go on tonight.”
Yoongi felt his heart dropped in his chest as he looked at Hoseok.
“I’m really sorry hyung.”
“But… I can do it.” Yoongi hated how his voice trembled.
“I know but…” Hoseok looked at the ceiling as if he was searching for the right words. “Your health is the most important, you haven’t slept in like three days, you’ve had two panic attacks already today. You need to rest. You need to go back to therapy. But we can talk about that later.”
Yoongi wanted to shout, tell Hoseok that he couldn’t tell him what to do. But he knew he was probably right. And he’d worried them all so much today, the least he could do was sit this one out.
“Okay.” Yoongi sighed.
“Thanks Hyung.” Hoseok smiled and wrapped his arms around the elder. Yoongi wrapped his arms round Hoseok neck, breathing is his cologne. Yoongi drew back first and looked Hoseok over and could barely believe this beautiful person liked him back.
“Good luck.” Yoongi smiled and kissed Hoseok on the cheek.
Won’t meant to fall you,
Because you are for running to,
As my world collapses and falls you make sense of it all,
The way you do.
Epilogue
When their performance is finished Yoongi is standing at the side of the stage with their manager and Hoseok is the first one who is in his arms. He can hear the other members wolf whistling and teasing but they ignore them. It isn’t until they hear Jungkook say, “Jin hyung, are you crying?” That they turn round and start to tease their oldest member.
Later that night when Namjoon is asleep, Hoseok slips into Yoongi’s bed and Yoongi has to stop himself from fist pumping the air. Because fucking finally.
They are lying on their backs in silence, Hoseok’s arm in under Yoongi’s head and stroking the older’s hair. Yoongi is playing with Hoseok’s fingers when the younger breaks the peaceful silence.
“Hyung, you need to get help.”
“Gee thanks Hoseok.”
Hoseok pokes his cheek and Yoongi cackles.
“You know what I mean Yoongi.” Hoseok pouts.
“Yeah.” Yoongi murmers, but he concentrating more on Hoseok’s cute pouty face now.
“Why did you stop going to therapy?” He asks looking at Yoongi.
“I felt like I didn’t need it anymore.”
“Hyung, it’s not something that just goes away. It’s like Namjoon’s hand. It’s okay most of the time but it’s something he needs to take care of everyday otherwise it gets bad again.”
“Yeah, yeah I get it.”
“You need to talk to her about your anxiety as well, see what can be done about that.”
“Yes eomma.” He sighs, but Yoongi flushes and it’s nice that Hoseok is taking care of him. And he hopes he can start taking care of the younger again. Because he really likes him and wants him to be happy.
I won’t leave it,
I need it,
I need this.