Work Text:
“We can just forget this ever happened, if you want.”
Awsten offers it because he thinks it’s what Geoff will want. To let things go back to normal, to carry on like tonight hadn’t been a dream come true for him. It would be hard, but it would be possible. They can move on as friends, like they have always been. Friends who had a moment because they were bored.
“Oh, sure.” Geoff smiles at him, then quickly looks back down at the shoe he’s tying.
They’re his favourite sneakers. He has never said as much but Awsten has noticed that he always wears them, so they must be. If Geoff asks Awsten to grab him a pair of shoes, he always gets those ones.
It’s all so nonchalant that Awsten thinks his heart might break. He won't even look at him for more than a few seconds now. Of course Geoff isn’t bothered, this didn’t mean anything to him. He probably won’t think about it again once he’s left Awsten’s apartment. Yet this is one of those things that Awsten will remember for the rest of his life.
“Yeah, I mean, that’s probably for the best right?” Awsten laughs, nervous, fidgeting with the strings of Geoff’s grey hoodie.
He put it on, hoping it would make Geoff do… something. What, he didn’t exactly plan for, but some sort of reaction. All he did was smile at him, though, like he always does. Geoff never stops smiling at him, even when he's mad at him for something Awsten did on purpose.
“Probably.” Geoff shrugs as he finishes tying his shoe.
He gets up from Awsten’s bed and moves to stand in front of him. Awsten has to tilt his head up slightly to look him in his pretty blue eyes. Every thought swirling through his head quiets, replaced by the single idea that Geoff might be the most beautiful man he’s ever had the good fortune of laying his eyes on. Not just his eyes, his hands and his lips and every inch of his body. His skin heats with the want to feel it again and his eyes burn with the knowledge that he can’t have it.
“Hey.” Awsten breathes, because he has no idea what else to say. He could cry, but he doesn’t, because Geoff always freaks out when he cries. Upsetting him is the last thing he wants to do.
“Hey.” Geoff drapes his arms over Awsten’s shoulders and kisses him on the forehead. Awsten curls his arms around Geoff’s waist, hoping against hope that he’ll never let go. “I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”
“Yeah.” Awsten mumbles against his shoulder. He takes that as his cue to pull away, to let him leave. Suddenly remembering, he tugs at the front of Geoff’s hoodie. “You’ll want this back.”
Geoff shakes his head, smiling softly. “Keep it. You look better in it than I do.”
Awsten is too busy short circuiting at that to say goodbye, and he doesn’t realise Geoff is gone until he hears his apartment door close. He runs to his bedroom window and watches as Geoff crosses the parking lot to his car. There’s no way he can see Awsten from all the way down there, but Geoff looks up towards his apartment anyway, hesitating for a moment before he gets into his car and drives off.
That’s when Awsten finally breaks, sinking to the floor as his breath hitches. He has ruined his relationship with his best friend for good. There’s no way they can come back from this, not with the way Geoff said his name when he touched him. Awsten doesn’t think he’ll ever get that sound out of his head. It echoes through his thoughts, turning pink as his cheeks when he blushes.
Awsten, baby.
This has ruined him. After everything he’s been through in his life, it took sleeping with his best friend to finally take him over the edge. He wants to get unimaginably drunk, just so he can’t think anymore. There’s a bottle of wine somewhere in his kitchen - he bought it for Jawn and then forgot about it - so he drags himself along his floor until he reaches the cabinet he’s sure he left it in. Except it isn’t there.
He opens all the kitchen cabinets, double checking each one, but he can’t find the bottle. Did he give it to Jawn already? He remembers buying it earlier in the week but not anything after that. His ADHD had betrayed him again, blanking his mind and making his life impossible for no reason.
“Fucking piece of shit.” Awsten smacks his hand on the counter, relishing in the sting of it. He doesn’t hurt himself like he used to do but sometimes he gets so worked up that he does it by accident. So he doesn’t sink into that kind of thinking again, he stumbles over to his couch and collapses onto it.
This is where it started , he thinks. He buries his face in the collar of Geoff's hoodie - now his treasure, the only proof it happened - breathing in Geoff’s scent. It calms him a little, as does thinking about the way Geoff first kissed him.
They had been watching a film, Geoff insisting on staying long after Otto and Jawn had gone home for the night. Awsten didn’t mind, he finds Geoff’s presence comforting. He’s one of the few people he can still be around when he’s overstimulated. Oftentimes he finds himself seeking Geoff out when he feels too stressed to carry on. Geoff knows better than to try talking to him about whatever has overwhelmed him. He just strokes his hair and lets him sit undisturbed for a while. It's nice, a safe space.
Awsten hadn’t really been watching the film. He’d been more interested in listening to Geoff’s heartbeat as he leaned against his chest, strong and steady. Not like his own, fluttering and skipping beats every time Geoff’s hand brushes against his back, sending shivers down his spine. It kept happening, Geoff touching him lightly before moving away like he had never been there. So Awsten had settled against him, feeling clingy, and Geoff had draped an arm over his shoulders.
Geoff had looked down at him at some point, smiling like he always did when their eyes met. He ran his thumb over Awsten’s stubble, tracing the line of his jaw.
“I get why people say they want to bite you.” Geoff mumbled, which made Awsten laugh with surprise.
“What? Who wants to bite me?” Awsten knew, of course, he spent enough time on the weird bits of twitter to see what people said about him. Apparently he looks edible, which could be a compliment or a threat. But to have Geoff say it was bizarre. He never talked like this, about anyone. Especially not guys, and definitely not him.
“Loads of people,” Geoff shrugged and looked back at the TV. “You just look biteable.”
Awsten laughed harder. He still thought this was some kind of joke. A bit that Geoff hadn’t let him in on yet. “You wouldn’t bite me.”
“Wouldn’t I?” Geoff’s fingers found the back of Awsten’s head, then their eyes met again. “You wanna bet?”
And then Geoff kissed him, one hand on Awsten’s face to keep him from pulling away. Not that Awsten would have pulled away anyway. He had wanted this for a while.
Now, lying on his sofa, Awsten touches his collarbone. He lost the bet, Geoff did bite him, hard enough to leave a dark mark on his pale skin. He runs his fingers over it, trying to remember exactly how it felt. His brain won’t allow him to recreate it, knowing the feeling will send him over the edge of his sanity again.
“Jesus fuck.” Awsten mumbles.
He curls up on his couch, not wanting to face the loneliness of his bed without Geoff in it. Instead he falls asleep there, uncomfortable with his heart aching.
When he wakes up, his back hurts and his face is wet. Crying in his sleep isn’t uncommon for him, but for once he can’t remember what he was dreaming about to make him do it. Maybe Geoff, maybe something else. He gets up and his phone is dead, so he plugs it in while he takes a shower.
Once he has dissociated under the hot water for long enough that his skin starts to burn, he returns to check his messages. He has two, one from Jawn asking why the fuck he didn’t pick up his phone, along with a missed call, and another from Geoff. Just a red heart emoji, sent at around six in the morning. Not long after he would have gotten home.
After a lot of hesitation, Awsten sends one back. He has no idea what it means, or if it means anything at all, or if it would be easier to throw himself out of his window. Actually, it definitely would be easier to do the latter, but he doesn’t. He won’t inconvenience anyone by making them scrape him off the asphalt. And obviously, he doesn’t actually want to die. Not these days, anyway.
Awsten calls Jawn back and puts the phone on speaker so he can make himself breakfast while he talks. Usually he wouldn’t eat anything in the morning, but he wants an excuse to not go into work for as long as possible. He doesn’t want to make eye contact with people he knew before his life completely changed last night.
“Are you dead?” Jawn asks when he picks up.
“Fortunately for you, no. You still have a job.” Awsten answers as he stares into his fridge. Nothing looks appealing and as soon as he closes the door he can’t remember what was in there.
“You don’t know that. I might want you dead.” Jawn teases. Awsten doesn’t respond, just huffs. And because Jawn knows him so well, he doesn’t let it go. “Uh oh, what happened?”
“Did something stupid.” Awsten mumbles. That’s an understatement. “I don’t really want to talk about it.”
“Is anyone, including you, seriously injured, incarcerated, or dead?” Jawn asks, in the same way Lucas asks when one of the band says they ‘fucked up’ with no context.
“No. Nothing like that.” Awsten rubs his eyes, feeling tired even though he only just woke up. That’s pretty normal for him, though. “Like I said, I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Alright, dude. Anyway, I called you because I had a work question.”
Jawn rambles on about something, and there’s no actual question in it that Awsten can answer. He’s just thinking out loud and wants someone to sound off of. Awsten periodically hums in agreement, sitting on his kitchen floor, his idea of breakfast forgotten about. He isn’t hungry anyway. He just feels cold and lonely.
“Who is she? The girl you’re thinking about.” Jawn asks suddenly. Awsten doesn’t respond. “Come on, man, you only get like this about girls.”
“There isn’t a girl.” Awsten mutters.
It’s true. The entire time Jawn has been talking, he’s been thinking about last night. Geoff on top of him, not quite pinning him to the bed but holding him there, giving him all the attention he could desire.
“Are we back on guys again?”
Jawn is the only one of his friends who knows about his tentative bisexuality. It’s something he doesn’t think about unless he has to. His life is hard enough without that complicating it for him. He doesn’t want to be a ‘bi icon’ or whatever, he wants to keep all that private. Especially when the only guy Awsten has ever solidly liked is Geoff, who he could never have.
Until last night.
“I don’t want to talk about it, alright?” Awsten insists, getting frustrated. Why won’t Jawn just leave this be? He loves him to death, but dear God, he can be a nuisance sometimes.
“Alright, alright.” Jawn knows better than to push him. “But I am here if you want to talk, ever.”
“Right.” Awsten rests his head on his knees.
He can’t talk about it. Geoff is Jawn’s friend too, it would make everything too weird. None of them would be able to keep their mouths shut, and then they might drag Otto into it, which would make everything worse.
This whole situation is weird. Normal people don’t fuck their best friend and then move on like nothing happened. But Geoff isn’t normal; he’s extraordinary. He always has been in Awsten’s eyes.
Awsten decides he might as well go into work and get the nightmare of seeing Geoff again over with. As he gets ready, he spots Geoff’s hoodie lying on his bed where he left it before his shower. Tentatively, he touches the sleeve of it, feeling the fabric slide between his fingers.
He expected it to make him dizzy with lust or sick to his stomach but it doesn’t. Instead he feels unimaginably tired and a little bit lonely. He didn’t sleep well and his body still buzzes with the remnants of last night. Part of him wants to throw the hoodie on, curl up in his bed and go back to sleep. Possibly forever.
The rest of him really, really wants to see Geoff. Hopefully that will bring clarity to some of the wasps swarming in his brain. Or it will kill him stone dead. There’s only one way to find out.
“You’re acting weird.” Otto observes, leaning so far back in his shitty office chair that Awsten is worried he’ll fall out of it. That's happened before because Otto has an alarming lack of care for his own safety and Geoff’s sanity. Dad-sense makes you overprotective, not that Geoff wasn’t like that before he became a dad. But it’s worse now, and Otto still does dumb shit for the fun of it.
“I’m tired.” Awsten mumbles, so muffled by his sweater sleeves that he's sure Otto won't understand him.
He rests his chin on top of his folded arms on the table in front of him. Geoff sits at the other end of the room, noise-cancelling headphones on, doing… something on his laptop. Awsten doesn’t know what - normally he would ask but he has been too nervous to talk to him all day. They said hello to each other this morning but haven’t said much else since.
Geoff hasn’t brought up last night and isn’t acting any different than usual. He came into the studio, bantered with Otto, drank his coffee, then sat down to work. Awsten wants to crawl into his skin and wants him as far away as possible. His whole morning has been spent alternating between staring at Geoff and trying to ignore him completely. All of this while acting like his world hasn’t ended - Geoff had him, and he let him go.
Otto noticed immediately, of course. The man isn't as stupid as he pretends to be. He only acts dumb if he doesn't care. And he'll always care about Awsten and Geoff. “You’re always tired, dude. This is something else.”
“You’re something else.” Awsten mutters.
It’s meant as an insult but it’s also true. Otto is unlike anyone else Awsten knows. He loves him, but not in the same way he loves Geoff. That’s how he knows how he feels about Geoff is something , because it’s so different to how Otto makes him feel.
He should take his eyes off of Geoff to not make it so obvious, but he can’t. His gaze travels over Geoff’s arms, up his neck and over his pretty face. Now he wishes he had left a mark, like Geoff did on him, just so people would know something happened. Just to have proof he didn’t hallucinate the whole thing.
Otto raises an eyebrow at him, glancing back and forth between Awsten and Geoff. “Did he upset you? Should I talk to him?”
“No, no, it’s fine.” Awsten shakes himself out of it. The last thing he needs is for Geoff and Otto to start fighting. He picks his head up and tries to remember what he was supposed to be doing today. Emails, probably. It’s always fucking emails. “I don’t want to talk about it, anyway.”
“Did he do something? Just so I know if I’m allowed to like him or not.”
Despite his misery, Awsten smiles. Otto and Geoff are best friends and have been for over ten years, but would kick the shit out of each other if one of them hurt Awsten. Which Geoff has and hasn’t - it’s too complicated for Awsten to comprehend, let alone explain to Otto.
“No, I really just didn’t sleep well.”
Otto shuffles his office chair closer to Awsten and puts an arm around him. Awsten leans into him, resting his head on his shoulder. Because he enjoys torturing himself, he watches Geoff out of the corner of his eye. It takes a moment, but Geoff looks up and sees them. He doesn’t quite frown, but he looks concerned for a moment before going back to looking at his laptop. Then he pulls his headphones off, although he doesn’t move to join their conversation.
Awsten has an awful idea, and he feels so far adrift from himself that he does it. He kisses Otto on the cheek, and Otto kisses his back. This is normal for them - Otto is overly affectionate at the best of times and Awsten is more than happy to reciprocate. But this is different, because things between him and Geoff are completely different.
“I love you.” Awsten sighs, putting his head back on Otto’s shoulder. He thinks about closing his eyes, but he wants to see what Geoff does. Which is nothing.
“Love ya too, dude.” Otto pats him on the shoulder and pulls away, getting up to make himself a drink.
With another sigh, Awsten picks up his phone so he doesn’t have to look at Geoff. Telling Otto he loves him was a weird attempt to make Geoff jealous and he already knows it didn’t work. They both know Awsten’s friendship with Otto is nothing like how he feels about Geoff. If Geoff even knows how he really feels. It’s not like they did much talking last night.
Awsten looks up from his phone and makes direct eye contact with Geoff. He’s staring at him across the room, maybe has been for a while. When Awsten raises an eyebrow at him, Geoff smiles like normal and glances away. Awsten keeps his eyes on him for a moment, then shakes his head to rid himself of the very gay thoughts creeping up in the back of his mind.
He could walk over there and kiss Geoff right now. Either Geoff would push him away or pull him closer, but at least then he would know. Except he does already know, because last night Geoff left him.
Awsten goes home that night, lays down on his couch, and doesn’t get up for several hours. He wants to, he has every intention of doing laundry or answering emails or something else productive. But instead he stares at his ceiling, thinking about Geoff. His phone rings and he ignores it, then it rings again. He stares at it where it lays on his coffee table as Jawn, then Otto calls him. It’s only when Travis calls that he finally picks up.
“Jawn told Otto who told me to tell you to pick up your phone.” Travis says. There’s background noise in the call - he’s out somewhere. “Should I give Jawn my phone or are you gonna call him back?”
“Just give him the phone.” Awsten rubs his hand over his face, pressing his palm into one of his eyes to try and suppress the headache he feels coming on. Jawn won't give up until he talks to him.
“Dude, come get drunk with us.” Jawn says as soon as Travis hands over the phone. Of course, it’s Friday night, they’re in a bar somewhere downtown. Jawn will probably be the only one getting drunk and it will be Awsten’s job to supervise him. “Don’t be fucking boring, Otto says you’ve been miserable all day.”
“Who’s there?” Awsten asks.
He almost asks is Geoff there? but that will make it obvious that he has an issue with him, and that he lied to Otto. Not that he has an issue with Geoff, just one about him. It isn’t really Geoff’s fault. Except that he left. Which might also be Awsten’s fault for being clingy and annoying all the time.
“Me, Travis and Otto. Geoff didn’t want to come because he’s boring too.” Jawn says. Otto laughs in the background. “You can tell us about whoever it is that’s putting you inside your own head.”
“There isn’t anyone.”
“Bro, c’mon, we know you, we know what you’re like. This is how you always act when your heart is breaking.” Jawn insists, which makes Awsten’s skin crawl.
He hates being known, hates when people try to perceive him and tell him what he’s like. His grasp on his own personality is vague at best, he doesn’t need people skewing it. Sure, his heart cracks every time he looks at or thinks about Geoff, but he hoped he had hidden that well enough. Clearly he hasn’t, and he doesn’t want to go out where more people can see it too.
“No. I need to rest, I’m exhausted.” Awsten says, completely out of character as usually he refuses to slow down for even a second. As Jawn tries to argue with him, he hangs up.
Awsten hasn’t hung up the phone on Jawn like that since a fight they had when they were teenagers. They didn't talk for three days and it was one of the worst times of Awsten's life. He immediately feels bad, but he’d rather sit and wallow in his own sadness than let Jawn convince him to go out and possibly confess to it all. His phone rings again so he throws it on the floor, letting them call until it dies.
He remains on his couch, not bothering to turn on his TV, even as background noise. Instead he decides he deserves the silence. He hasn’t eaten dinner and he doesn’t remember eating lunch, but he doesn’t bother going into his kitchen. Didn't he abandon breakfast too? Whatever.
His attempts to not think about Geoff fail. Every thought he has morphs into Geoff’s voice, his skin, his hands, the way he touched his-
Awsten whines and squeezes his thighs together, digging his fingers into the couch cushions beneath him. He can’t think about that, it will drive him insane. Now that he’s had Geoff he can’t stop thinking about him, how he made him feel. Better than good, close to perfect, like Geoff knew exactly what to do to drive him crazy. Perhaps he did, perhaps he had thought about it too.
If he had, Awsten clearly didn’t live up to his expectations. Because Geoff left at the first opportunity, and the only proof he has even been there was the hoodie and the mark that he left behind.
This is the catalyst that makes Awsten finally get up. He stumbles into his bedroom and finds the hoodie where he left it, lying on his bed. Dropping to his knees, he buries himself into the fabric, breathing in the smell of Geoff’s aftershave. It calms him a little, so he pushes his face into it until he can’t breathe. Part of him wants to stay there until he suffocates, but he manages to pull away and drag himself back to his couch. He still can’t face his bed alone.
He curls up on his couch, the hoodie clutched to his chest, and he cries his eyes out. Awsten isn’t even sure why he’s crying, just that he can’t stop. Eventually he passes out on his couch for the second night in a row, and he dreams that Geoff is stroking his hair.
Awsten carries on like this for a few days. Avoiding Geoff, staring at the ceiling, forgetting to eat properly and generally being miserable. Jawn keeps asking what’s wrong, Otto keeps catching him staring longingly at Geoff, but Awsten brushes them both off. It all comes to a head one day in the studio when Travis - who is there for reasons beyond Awsten’s understanding - grabs the back of the office chair Awsten is sitting in and starts dragging him out of the room.
“Hey!” Awsten sits up, managing to grab his phone from the table before he’s taken away from it. “Dude, what the fuck are you doing?”
“We’re going on an adventure.” Travis says, which doesn’t clarify anything.
It feels more like a kidnapping. Jawn, Otto and Geoff are also in the room they’re leaving, but they don’t say anything. Otto and Jawn stare at Geoff, who is watching Travis with confusion. Clearly, he isn’t on this either.
Once Travis has hauled Awsten into another room and closed the door, he grabs his own chair and sits down. He studies Awsten for a moment, and Awsten stares back at him. Neither of them speaks for a long moment.
“Are you gonna explain why you kidnapped me?” Awsten asks.
“Jawn thinks you’re seeing someone who has upset you because you’re isolating yourself, and Otto thinks you fell out with Geoff because you’ve been avoiding him. Those two are idiots, but I think I’ve connected the dots.” Travis smiles as Awsten’s eyes widen. Oh, fuck. He should have accounted for Travis’ lack of density. “I haven’t said anything to either of them. Although they’ve convinced themselves that somehow Geoff has upset you and I think they might be about to bully the truth out of him. I was told to get you out of there.”
“Oh. Oh no.” Awsten whispers. His ended world starts to implode.
This is bad, because Geoff doesn’t do well under that kind of pressure and will almost certainly tell all if pressed too hard. Otto doesn't know he's bisexual - Awsten has been meaning to tell him for years but it has never come up. Of course, Otto would never react badly to it. But he might be mad that Awsten never told him.
“Yeah, so, if you could tell me how many pieces Geoff is gonna be in when I get back-”
“He didn’t hurt me.” Awsten insists immediately, sitting up in his chair. Geoff would never. “I- this is all my fault. I fucked up.”
“What happened?”
So Awsten tells him the whole story, leaving out most of the sex parts even though that’s something he’d usually be fine telling Travis about. He does it to protect Geoff, because he hasn’t given Awsten permission to talk about it. Travis listens, nods occasionally, his face impassive.
“So, you asked him to forget about it even though you wanted him to stay?” He asks when Awsten stops speaking.
Awsten hasn’t finished his story - he’s got as far as passing out after Geoff left. But he trailed off, unsure where to end it. He wants to leave out the parts where he forgot to eat and stared at the wall for hours too. Travis would only worry, and he doesn’t need that on top of everything else.
He looks up at Travis, trying to remember exactly what happened. “I… I mean, he was already leaving. He was tying his shoes.”
“Did you give any indication that you wanted him to stay before that?”
“Uh…”
Geoff had pulled him into a hug after they had both finished, kissing his face and petting his hair. Awsten had been the one to get up and put his shirt on. But that wasn’t an attempt to get rid of Geoff, it was pure discomfort with his own body. Of course, he didn’t voice this to Geoff, who waited for a moment before getting up himself. That was when they both started getting dressed.
“I guess not. I stole his hoodie.” Awsten picks at the sleeve of his sweater. He almost wore the hoodie today, but he left it on his couch again. Still, he can’t face his bed alone so he sleeps in his living room with the only piece of Geoff he has gripped to his chest.
“I’m gonna be real with you, I think you might be responsible for your own misery for once.” Travis suggests, and Awsten knows he’s right. “I also think you’re blind or stupid or both if you can’t see that Geoff likes you back.”
“W- what?” Awsten stutters, shaking his head in disbelief.
That can’t be true, because if it is then the last ten years of his life have been a lie. Because he’s loved Geoff since the day he joined the band, has wanted to kiss his stupid pretty face in every moment they’ve had together since. So much of his shitty life could have been avoided if he knew Geoff felt the same. If they’d been together instead of-
Awsten’s chest tightens and his vision starts to blur. Travis is speaking to him, but he can’t hear a word he’s saying over his own heartbeat thudding in his ears. He stands on shaky legs, gripping the arms of his chair for support.
“I have to- go, sorry, I can’t-”
Awsten stumbles towards the door, wrenching it open so hard it slams against the wall. He fumbles his way down the corridor towards the front door, his head spinning as he refuses to process what’s happening. He simply can’t, it will ruin his life if he lets the full extent of how different things could have been for him if he’d known before. If he had said something, had asked. People are yelling after him but he can’t comprehend a single syllable.
Someone grabs his shoulder, forcing him to stop and turn around. Geoff stands before him, hands on Awsten’s arms, trying to speak to him, but Awsten can only hyperventilate.
“Hey, hey, Awsten, talk to me.” Geoff’s firm words finally get through the dark cloud hanging over Awsten’s head.
“Ge- get-” Awsten wants to say ‘get off of me’, but his body betrays him and he collapses into Geoff’s arms. Instead he whispers a weak, “Help.”
“I got you, it’s alright.” Geoff wraps one arm around his waist and slides the other hand into his hair. He scratches his scalp, which calms him a little. “Do you wanna go home?”
Awsten nods, and it’s then he realises his eyes are blurry because he’s crying. He wipes at his face with his sleeve, but Geoff takes his hand gently instead.
“You’ll hurt yourself if you do that too much, honey.” He whispers, then carefully brushes Awsten’s tears away with his thumb. “I’ll drive you home, come on.”
“Not mine.” Awsten begs. He can’t face his empty bed and Geoff’s hoodie and sleeping on his couch again. He doesn’t consider that being at Geoff’s house might be worse, but he’s always felt safe there and that’s all he can think about.
The drive is a blur. Awsten sits and cries in the passenger seat the whole way. Geoff puts his hand on his knee, trying to soothe him, and it helps a little bit. Every time Awsten calms down enough to order his thoughts, he thinks of something else that wouldn’t have happened to him if he had had Geoff before, and it sets him off again.
When they reach their destination, Geoff picks him up out of the car and carries him inside. They sit on his couch together, Awsten curled up in Geoff’s lap. Neither of them speak for a long time, until Awsten has come down from his panic attack. Geoff sits with him patiently the whole time, running his fingers through his hair and humming to himself.
“I’m so sorry.” Awsten whispers, resting his head on Geoff’s chest. It’s embarrassing, breaking down like that in front of people. He can hear his heartbeat, thrumming quicker than normal. That must be his fault - crying always makes Geoff panic.
“You aren’t allowed to apologise for having panic attacks, remember?” Geoff pets his hair, scratching his nails against his scalp. Awsten nods - he does remember all the times Geoff sat with him through a panic attack and refused to hear any apologies for him. “Can you talk?”
“Think so.” Awsten mumbles. He closes his eyes, wishing he had stayed quiet because he doesn’t want to talk about whatever Otto and Jawn said after Travis kidnapped him.
“Good, but please just listen to me for a second?” Geoff rests his chin on top of Awsten’s head, which relieves them both of having to make eye contact. Awsten is so grateful for that. “Otto thinks you’re mad at me, but he didn’t know why. He still doesn’t know why, I didn’t tell him what happened because… well, mostly because it’s no one’s fucking business. And also because I’m not really sure what I did wrong.”
“You left.” Awsten shrugs. It sounds ridiculous out loud. “That upset me.”
“You asked me to leave. You told me to forget about it, so I assumed you regretted it or something.” Geoff shrugs back. “I didn’t, I wanted to stay and talk about it but…”
“I fucked up.” Awsten pushes himself up so his and Geoff’s faces are level. Their noses are inches apart. He feels guilt crawling its way up his throat and he wants to cry again. “I assumed you’d want to leave so I made it easy for you. I really, really wanted you to stay.”
Geoff blinks at him, then starts to smile. A flood of relief pours through Awsten’s chest. “You are possibly the stupidest man I’ve ever kissed.”
“Implying you’ve kissed more than one.” Awsten inches his face closer to Geoff’s. “Do elaborate.”
“No.” Geoff brushes his nose against Awsten’s cheek affectionately. It makes him giggle, despite himself. “My bisexuality is very new to me, give me a chance.”
Awsten tilts his head slightly. Despite everything that has happened, he completely forgot that up until now, he was under the impression that Geoff was straight. “How long have you known?”
Geoff shrugs. “A year or so. I don’t know, it sort of came on all of a sudden. One day everything was fine, then…” He smirks. “Then you became very appealing to me.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever been described as appealing before.” Awsten laughs, pressing his face into Geoff’s neck. It's safe and warm and he smells so good. Like coming home after the longest tour of his life.
Geoff hums and rubs Awsten’s back gently. “What about you? That night was the first I knew about you liking men.”
“Oh, fifteen years or so. I just never had cause to do anything about it and I never really felt like telling anyone. It’s… it’s only ever really been you…” Awsten keeps his face hidden against Geoff’s skin, because he realises he’s admitting a lot right now and he doesn’t want to see Geoff’s reaction.
“For how long?” Geoff whispers.
“Years. Probably a decade, since not long after we met.”
“You could’ve said something.”
“You were straight, and my bandmate, and my bestfriend. I had no reason to believe you felt the same. It could have ruined everything.”
“I… don’t know. Maybe if you had said something in the beginning I would’ve thought about it and realised I felt the same. I always knew I didn’t feel the same about Otto or Jawn as I do about you. But I didn’t realise what that meant. Maybe I did have a crush this whole time, I don’t know.” Geoff kisses Awsten’s hair softly. “You would have been too young for me back then, anyway. I don’t think I would’ve let it happen.”
Awsten pulls away from Geoff a little so he can see his face. “Why?”
“To protect you, like always. I’m three years older, I would have had a serious advantage over you when you were twenty.”
“Maybe I like that. I certainly didn’t mind you having the advantage the other night.” Awsten teases, and Geoff blushes.
“Shut up.” Geoff puts his hand on Awsten’s waist and rubs his thumb along his hip bone. “Speaking of the other night… let’s say that did happen, but forget I ever left.”
“Does this involve me sleeping in your bed?” Awsten asks. His back hurts from passing out on his couch for four nights straight, his fingers ache from clutching Geoff’s hoodie and his head pounds from all the crying. He wants warmth, he wants comfort, he wants Geoff .
“It does, if that’s all you want.” Geoff runs his fingers through Awsten’s hair gently. “You do look exhausted.”
“Haven’t been sleeping well. Missed you.” Awsten mumbles, clinging to the front of Geoff’s shirt. A wave of unshakable sleepiness has come over him, reducing him to mush.
Geoff rocks him slowly, rubbing his back and planting kisses all over his face. “Missed you too. Come on."
He scoops Awsten up again and carries him to his bedroom. There, he deposits Awsten on his bed and sits beside him. Geoff starts untying his shoes, getting ready to curl up in bed.
"Is it okay if I keep my shirt on?" Awsten asks quietly as he watches Geoff pull his own off.
"Of course you can, honey. However you feel comfortable." Geoff kisses him again, so soft and sweet that Awsten thinks his teeth might rot. "I'm sorry I took it off."
Awsten doesn't know what he means for a moment before remembering the other night. When Geoff pulled Awsten's shirt off almost immediately. It was hot until Awsten was coming down and had to face the reality that he didn't really like the body he'd been born into.
"Oh, no, it's okay. I just…" Awsten wraps his arms around his middle and shrugs. He doesn’t like it, how it feels and how it looks to him. It’s his brain tricking him, he knows that, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t think it.
"You just look beautiful, always." Geoff assures him with another kiss.
Awsten can't help how he smiles into it. Sure, it doesn't change the way he feels about himself. But maybe if Geoff can love him like this, he can learn to be okay with himself.
They crawl into Geoff's bed, and Awsten tries to stay awake, he really does. But quickly his eyes close and he's cuddled right up against Geoff and he's stroking his hair so gently and-
"Shush, honey. Get some sleep." Geoff whispers after the third time Awsten jolts himself awake insisting he isn't even that tired. "I'll be here when you wake up, I promise."
So Awsten sleeps, and when he wakes up, Geoff still has his arms wrapped around him, his fingers tangled in his hair.