Chapter Text
He screams.
He screams so loud and it hurts so fucking bad.
He's slamming into the ice, the wind knocked out of him, and his knee hurts. Fuck, it hurts.
And he can't- he can't think. Everything's blurring around at the edges and he needs to just breathe. His lungs have to still work at least.
"Evan!" It's clearly Maddie's voice that's yelling. "Let go of me, that's my brother- Evan! I'm a nurse, fuck off- Evan!" She's screaming for him, he can hear it clearer than anything else going on around him. "Back off, move away!" Maddie's kneeling in front of him on the ice right now, he can see her. She's right in front of him, holding his face in her hands. "It's okay," She tells him. It's her nurse voice. Quiet, comforting, like she's talking to a little child or trying not to startle an animal. It's so she doesn't scare away the little animal in front of her- the Evan in front of her. It's not funny but he laughs about it anyway. "It's okay, everything's fine. Your- your knee's gonna be fine."
"No-" He gasps, grabbing her wrist.
"Yeah. Yeah, it'll be okay, Evan. And you can go back to playing."
"Please, Maddie-"
"This isn't the end of your career, Evan, it's okay. It's fine. You're good."
"Don't make me-" She needs to stop fucking interrupting him.
"Don't talk, Evan. You'll be okay."
"Please," He gasps. "Please don't make me break the other one." He doesn't wanna break the other one. He knew what he was doing. He knew that if it hit his knee, he'd be done. And he just needs to be done. "I don't wanna break another one." His vision is blurring again. Going white and black and all spotty. And it hurts. And she's got so much pity in her eyes. "Don't tell Mom."
"I won't, I won't." She shakes her eyes and wipes away a few tears, then wipes away his. He's on a board now and being carried away from her.
"No, Maddie. Please. Maddie!" He's reaching for her and they push him back down. The ambulance is awfully clean for him. He's bleeding on all the cleaness. On everything. And he hurts. Shit, does he hurt. His knee is throbbing. Like it's being broken over and over. "Can I see Maddie?" He begs. "Please! Please, let me talk to Maddie!" The paramedics shake their heads at him.
"Soon, kid, soon. It's okay, you'll be totally okay." Evan tilts his head back, stares up at the ceiling, and resorts to sobbing until his chest hurts. He doesn't care what they poke and prod him with. He knows that something takes some of the pain away. He knows that the paramedics are touching his leg but he just can't think about it. He wants Maddie, he wants Maddie back so bad. Where is she? He doesn't pay attention until they're in his face. "You hit the ice pretty hard, you know that?" They ask him. He cries more. "We gotta make sure your head's okay. What's your name?"
"Evan," He hiccups. "N-no, Buckley. Evan Buckley."
"That's three names, doing better than most people who take a hit like that." He should laugh. "Know where you are?"
"Ambulance. I was- I was at my hockey game. I fell."
"Where?" The talking is making the pain go away.
"On the ice."
"No, where was your hockey game?" He shrugs.
"I didn't know that before I fell. Sister- she- she drove me. Where is she?"
"She's not here. She'll meet you at the hospital, kid. Okay. Can you tell me what year it is?"
"2010."
"Yeah, you got it. Alright. You're doing great. You broke your knee, kid. Took a puck right to it." They pull up to the hospital and Evan gets loaded out.
"Evan!" Maddie's at his side again, running along as they run him inside. "Are you okay? Is he okay?"
"He will be, ma'am, but for right now, you're going to need to give him space."
"There's no concussion? How bad's the break? Is-"
"Ma'am." Maddie stops talking. Stops walking as he's turfed to a team of doctors. He glances around at them.
"Can my sister be here? Please? My parents are out of town, she's the only adult caring for me right now. I'm only seventeen, please."
"You have to go to surgery."
"Surgery?" He shouts. "What? I didn't know that!"
"It's okay, it's low-risk," The doctors tell him. He doesn't like it. He doesn't like any of it but he doesn't give a fuck about his hockey career. "Come on." He doesn't really know the next little bit. Soon he's just laying on an operating table. "Okay. I'm Doctor Morgan. We're gonna give you some anesthesia. Nothing harmful." One of the nurses puts a mask on him. "Count down from ten, please."
"Ten. Nine. E-eight. Sev..." He doesn't remember anything more than that.
"Where are Mom and Dad?" Evan asks. He's eating. His leg's outstretched in front of him and in only a little pain. The drugs are helping, even if they leave him with a weird feeling. Maddie's sitting on the couch in his room. She's been there for days, won't leave. She took all her sick days and vacation days and is using them to stay with him. The hospital food is a little gross.
"Um, not coming. They're still out of town," She tells him. "Didn't really care that you got hurt." She looks down, looking a little ashamed. He gets that. Their parents could make a brick wall feel ashamed. It's their specialty, making everyone cow and hang their heads. Even Maddie, the toughest woman he's ever met, a truly intense woman, backs away when they turn their icy glares on her. He turns back to his crappy hospital food. "I'm sorry, Evan. I'm really sorry, I asked them. I asked them to come here but they didn't-"
"I don't care," He mutters. "Why would I care? I don't even like them. I don't care." He pushes his food away. "When can I go home?"
"Not for a little while. Even when you do, you'll have to go to physical therapy a lot. Do you have someone else who can drive you? I won't be able to every time." And, yeah, he does. His teammates definitely would. His teammates are nice. They like him. And they're worried.
"Yeah. I can get someone else. You can go, if you need. Work or Doug or whatever." Fucking Doug. God, he hates that fucking douchebag.
"Shut up." She throws an empty Jello cup at him. "Don't say his name like that."
"Fuck you, I hate that guy," He snaps back.
"He's my husband!"
"So? I don't need to like him, he's not my husband- he's a dick!"
"Fuck you!"
"Get out of here, Maddie. Join Mom and Dad wherever the hell they are." He's always hated Doug, ever since Maddie met him, and he's always said as much.
"Go fuck yourself," She mutters as she gets up to leave.
"No, please, don't go. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, I didn't- I'm tired. I'm really sorry. Just sit down, please? Or- or, if you wanna take a break, can you get me some clothes? And some books, please." Maddie glares at him still but nods. "Just- anything you think I'd find comfy. Shorts."
"And books?"
"There's a stack in the corner of my room that has a lamp sitting on it. As many books in that stack as you can."
"Fine. Dick." She grabs her car keys from off the table and leaves the room with a quick goodbye. He sits. Waits. Gets bored. He grabs his phone and calls James. His best friend, another kid on the hockey team.
"James, come visit me in the hospital, Maddie left and I'm bored."
"Be there in ten, Buck." His heart warms a little when James calls him Buck. He's Buck to no one, except for James, and there's something special about the name. And James originated it, started calling him Buck one day. He tries to move his leg and hisses, gritting his teeth. Fuck, fuck. His fucking knee. Fuck his knee. Goddamn. The whole thing is so fucked. He went in front of that puck just so his knee would fucking break and he didn't have to fucking play. His parents wanted him to play, want him to go pro. He hates it.
He hates being forced to do what his parents want. First chance he gets, he's gonna fucking run.
It takes a little while longer but James shows up. He tosses a Red Bull to Evan, grinning. "Didn't think they'd let me bring it in."
"What? A Red Bull? Why?"
"What if it messes with your medicine and crap and kills you?"
"Only in my dreams," Evan mutters. James smacks him in the back of the head. "Ow!"
"Don't say that." He takes a seat on the bed beside Evan. "How's hospital life?"
"I've been here for too long, I'm going fucking crazy. Think you could break me out, Jay?"
"Nice try, man. I'm not risking your sister tryna kill me just to get you outta here." Evan shakes his head. Luke grins. "Feeling better?"
"I've got a bunch of drugs running through me. So, yes." He scrubs his hands over his face and leans back on his pillows. James leans over him and pokes him in the arm.
"What's going on?" He didn't tell anyone on the team that he did it on purpose. He wouldn't tell them that he was praying for a knee injury or a back injury that would cost him his ability to play. He didn't see it happening anytime soon so he decided to manufacture one. A slapshot from the other end of the rink hitting him in the knee did it. The doctors told him it was highly unlikely he'd be able to play again and, if he did, definitely not as well as he used to. "Buck. What's wrong?"
"I skated in front of it on purpose." James pauses.
"What?"
"I hate it. I hate playing hockey, I hate it so much. I hate my parents for making me play. I don't wanna go pro, I don't want the scouts to be staring at me. I can't take it. I can't do it, James, I want out, I need out. And I was praying for some sort of injury. Some injury that meant I couldn't play. But it didn't fucking work so I went in front of that puck so it'd hit me and my knee would bust."
"You- you ruined your career?" James asks quietly. Evan fidgets. "You did this on purpose?"
"I couldn't do it. I can't. Please, I'm begging you- please don't tell anyone. They'll make me play again." He grabs James' hoodie sleeves. "Please, you cannot tell them, I cannot go back."
"I would never, Buck, I won't." James smooths down Buck's curls, running his hands through his hair before gliding to his face. "It's okay, Buckley, you don't have to play if you don't wanna. You're seventeen, what your parents want isn't the only thing that matters. Your parents don't fucking control you. You're Evan fucking Buckley and you can do whatever the hell you want, okay?" He gives Evan's head a little shake to really make it sink in. James leans in again and pulls Evan into a bear hug.
"Yeah." He messes with the hem of James' shirt, twisting it around in his hands.
"I won't tell anyone, I promise." He nods, hiding his face in James' neck. James pulls away a little bit and squeezes Evan's arms. "I'm sorry."
"Not your fault."
"Still." James leans forward. "I really am sorry, Buck, it sucks." It feels much better to actually hear that from someone than to just try and convince himself. "Stop crying, I dunno what to do when you fucking cry!"
"I'm not crying!" He shouts back, shoving him. He is a bad liar and he's a very obvious crier. He scrubs at his face, wipes away all the tears, and grabs his Red Bull. James grins.
"Where's your sister?" He asks. "I thought she'd be sitting a vigil by your bedside."
"Went to grab me clothes and stuff. We got into a fight, she's pissed off at me." James just raises his eyebrows, a question. He does that a lot, questions what Evan says. And talks with his eyebrows. "Her fucking husband."
"This again, Buck? Holy fuck, leave the guy alone!" Evan throws himself back on the pillows with a groan. His leg hurts again.
"I'm bored. I don't wanna talk about Doug. Can we talk about something else?" He looks around the room for something to talk about. Nothing. Nothing at all. He's been losing his mind since he's been in there. Too quiet for his taste, he's always liked things to be louder and talkative and busy. And a hospital is nothing like that. His cast is itchy. "Or just- not talk about Doug?" James nods, laying down in the spot next to Evan on the bed. His arm is pressed right against Evan's. He can feel James' muscles through his sweater. He's happy to just lay there but James twists his head around to talk.
He doesn't say anything for a while, though. Evan stares at the ceiling and James is staring at him and he knows it.
"Buck?"
"Yeah?" And James tilts Evan's head around and kisses him.
Okay.
Okay- he-
He's doing great.
What is this?
What?
Fuck- fuck- fuck-
He makes a squeaking sound.
Oh, that was a bad sound.
But he's not stopping James. He's not pushing him away.
James pulls him in, completely certain in what he's doing, and Evan holds his hip and drags him closer.
He doesn't know but it feels right, it feels nice. He likes having James right there, right against him, and kissing him is something new, something he really likes.
"Ow, fuck! My knee, Jay, hold on."
"Sorry." James leans back, still keeping his hands on Evan's face, as if it's normal, and waits for him to adjust the way his leg is laying.
"It's fine. It's okay, just hurt for a second." He smiles tightly, sets his hand back on James' hip. "Can I kiss you again? Please?"
"Don't you wanna talk about it first?" He asks. Evan groans and drops his head, tucking it into James' chest. He really doesn't wanna talk about anything. He's too tired to talk or think about any of this, he's happy to just kiss him again. "Buck."
"No. Stop. I don't wanna talk about anything."
"Buck, come on."
"I'm too tired and I would really like to keep kissing you. Please?"
"We'll talk later," James agrees. But then the door opens and James lets go of Evan and he's no longer having a great time. "Hey, Maddie, what's up?"
"Oh, hi, James!" She pauses. "Didn't know you were coming. Evan, I got you some snacks. And your clothes and books. Did you know your room's a mess and I found a collection of Red Bull cans?"
"Did you move them?" Evan asks.
"No, I didn't. I just wanna know why they're there."
"Because I collect them. It's pretty simple. I finish a can, it adds to the collection. I try to see which collection's bigger from month to month."
"You are a strange dude." Maddie shakes her head and sets his duffel bag on the floor beside his bed. "Feeling better?"
"Not really. I dragged James here to keep me company. I got bored." She nods.
"I'm gonna go call Mom and Dad again. They'll be back in town when you get out of here, at the very least. They'll need to know about the physical therapy and everything." Maddie takes her phone and leaves the room, closing the door behind her. James looks down at Evan.
"Parents?"
"Didn't care."
"And the physical therapy?"
"No big deal. Break your knee, you kinda have to do it." James nods.
"And you didn't tell me when I came in because?"
"Because it doesn't matter and there's no reason to be all worried the way you are."
"I don't get all worried."
"Yes, you do. You freak out about everything."
"Breaking your knee is something to freak out about, Buck." Evan rolls his eyes. "I fucking hate you."
"Noted." James rolls his eyes right back and pulls him down into another kiss. He clearly doesn't care that Maddie could walk through the door at any moment. So Evan doesn't either. He can worry about this later. That's how he's always been- act first, think later. It's one of his worst and best qualities. And James is awesome- if there anyone to turn gay for, it's him. James' hands slide into the curls on his head, running his hands through it.
"Buck, you're sure this is okay?" He asks.
"If it isn't, you'll know."
"Wanna talk about this?"
"Mhm, later, Jay."
"Buck-"
"Later is better."
"No. Come on, if you wanna keep kissing me, we've gotta have a little talk."
"I hate you, did you know?" James grins, looking all too proud of himself. "What do you wanna talk about? You're hot, you kissed me- I dunno, man."
"You at least wanna go out or something, Buckley? Pizza or food or-"
"Sure, that sounds great. Come on."
"You're fucking insatiable. Just calm down, Buck."
"Yup, we already knew that." He tries to pull James into another kiss but James swings off the bed out of reach. "You fucking suck, Jay."
"Insatiable and annoying. I'm starving, though, and I'll be back."
"James!" He gets a middle finger in response. "Get me something, too! Like a burger or something." Belatedly, he adds, "Please!" as the door shuts behind James. He doesn't know if he heard the please but he'll always get a burger for Evan anyway. Maddie comes back into the room again soon, looking near tears. "Hey, Mads, what's wrong?" She shakes her head, taking a seat, acting like nothing's wrong. He gets the feeling. He does that a lot.
"Mom was yelling at me. Blaming me for 'letting you break your knee' or something. I don't know what the fuck her issue is with me." She shakes her head some more and kicks his bag. "There's snacks in there, I told you. Must be hungry for something not from the hospital."
"James went out to get us food."
"Yeah, what's he doing here? You didn't tell me he was coming."
"I got bored, I wanted company. I asked James to come by. Maybe I'll ask if he can drive me to physical therapy some days." He sighs. Hospitals are so boring. He's spent too much time in hospitals over the past seventeen years. For various fractures, concussions, and general injury. He deserves his own private wing at this point, with all the time he's spent there. Maddie settles into the couch again. "Sorry. Mom's a bitch." Maddie nods. "Sorry."
"Not your fault, Evan."
"Still."
"Thanks."
"The doctors said to keep your knee elevated, Buck!" James yells. He tosses his takeout container into the trashcan. He's been spending a lot of time with Evan, at his house, as his knee heals. Since going up and down the stares would be torture for Evan, both of them have been crashing on the couch, eating takeout or James making crappy meals. It's been messy and obnoxious but it's fun. James drives him to the hospital for checkups when he can and brings home school assignments. "Keep it up!"
"I wasn't doing anything! I'm keeping it elevated!" He rolls his eyes. "Pass me my Coke, Jay." He finishes his drink off and crumples it up, tossing it into the trash. "I fucking hate this. I'm so bored and my cast is itchy." James reaches over and itches right around his cast. "Have I told you I love you?"
"Couple times, calm down."
"I hate being itchy, Jay, I cannot stress this enough."
"Right. Know what might make it feel better?" Evan glances at him. "Kissing." They've been doing a lot of that since he left that hospital. He doesn't wanna confront whatever it means, he just likes James kissing him. They go on their little dates on his couch cause he doesn't wanna go places. They get their little moments where they kiss each other. But he doesn't need to think about it.
"You're funny." James grins.
"I know. Come on. Just one?"
"Now who's fucking insatiable?" Even still, he peppers James with kisses. Who could say no when he asked so politely?
"Jesus, you taste like ketchup. Get the fuck away from me, that's disgusting."
"I was eating chicken nuggets with ketchup, jackass." James shakes his head, rolling to the opposite end of the couch. "You're the worst." James just grins at him so he moves on. "Uh, Maddie called me today. She said that my mom and dad are getting into town tonight. So, you might wanna get lost, just so they're not awful to you."
"Fuck your parents, where have they been for the past three weeks?"
"I know, but-"
"Shut up, Buck, I'm staying right here. They can get fucked." And Evan should tell him to fuck off. Because his parents are going to absolutely shred him to pieces. But, probably selfishly, he likes James' company and him leaving would make everything so much worse. "And don't feel bad about it, this is my choice. I'm capable of leaving when I want to but I don't want to." James gets up, stretching his arms above his head. There's a series of little cracks in his shoulders and back. It's oddly attractive to him. "What are we gonna watch?"
"I don't care, I'm not picky." James rolls his eyes.
"Liar." Evan flips him off. "What about a crime show?"
"What? I don't wanna see people getting stabbed or getting kidnapped."
"God, you're boring!" James lays back down, this time right next to Evan, curling up to his side. "When I became your friend, I thought you'd be more interesting. I just wanna watch a show about people dying."
"You're psychotic and you need to go to sleep."
"Make me, bitch." Evan flicks his forehead, getting a little yelp out of him. "Dick. Fine, no crime shows. What about giving each other stick and poke tattoos?" He stares at him, completely unsure of whether or not he's joking. "I'm kidding."
"How was I supposed to know?"
"You're surprisingly stupid for such an intelligent person." Evan tilts his head. "Let's just find something to watch, you look too confused to continue this conversation." He nods and the two of them set about trying to choose a TV show until his parents arrive. He's immediately on edge when they do, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up. His jaw clenches a little, always prepared for the worst, for the other shoe to drop. James must notice cause he gives Evan's arm a squeeze and starts trying to make conversation. "What university did you get into?"
"I'm not going. I'm taking a gap year."
"Evan!" He flinches slightly at the sound of his mother's voice. "Evan, where are you?"
"The living room! James is here too!" She steps inside and glances between the full garbage can, Evan and James on the couch, and the slight mess all around them.
"Clearly," She mutters. "When Maddie told us about your knee, we came straight away." James opens his mouth to say something snarky but gets an elbow straight into the ribs. "Healing okay? What do the doctors say about your hockey career?"
"Uh, it- it's not looking good, Mom, actually."
"And universities? Will they still take you?" About to respond that he's not going to university for at least a year, she starts talking again. "Who am I kidding? Even before the knee, who would take a discipline case like you?"
"Discipline case?" James starts.
"Shut up," Evan hisses through his teeth. He's spent seventeen years talking with his parents like this, he doesn't need James leaping to his defense about anything, including university. "Mom, I was planning on a gap year, we talked about this."
"No, we did not. You never told me about this, Evan. Why would you ruin your career?"
"It's not-"
"You'll ruin everything we've worked so hard for!"
"You didn't, I did all the-"
"And what are you going to do during your gap year, you don't have a job!"
"I could get one, I could-"
"Evan! Send your friend home, we have to have a talk."
"I- Mom-" The glare she sets on him makes him shrink. He looks at James, trying to convey how bad he feels. James smiles back at him, comforting, happy, as he gets up.
"Call me," He says quietly as he leaves. Evan hears him say, "Hey, Mr. Buckley," as he passes him in the hall. Evan can feel this is going to be bad, he knows this is going to get fucked up and he's gonna end up miserable. He braces himself, fiddling with the blanket beside him. He's never had a good relationship with his mom or his dad but this is gonna make it worse, for sure.
"Evan. Listen to me." His dad. "You are going to university."
"I know, Dad! I wasn't saying I'm not gonna go, I was saying that I'm taking a gap year."
"A gap year?"
"I could make some money for tuition! I could- I could do some real work, something good!"
"No. No, Evan, you'll be throwing away our career."
"What career? I broke my fucking knee, Mom! You said it yourself, who's taking in the discipline case on a sports scholarship? And it's not our career, it's my career! I did this, not you! I'm working my ass off, not you! You've done nothing but-"
"Evan!" He quiets himself. "Stop acting like a child throwing a tantrum." Fuck you. He rubs his face. "I don't know where you got this idea. You're getting into university on a sports scholarship, you'll do it if I have to make you. And you will have a proper hockey career, just like we've been training you to. Do not argue with me."
"Mom, all the universities I applied to rejected me."
"What?"
"The ones I applied to rejected me. And my coach already told me that the scouts don't want me anymore, with the news that I'll either never play again or never as well."
"But- but, Evan-" She starts to sputter and his dad takes over, grabbing his mom by the shoulders and moving her away. He shakes his head, slowly, like he can't believe it. Like he can't believe the son he has, the man he's become.
"You're such a disappointment, Evan."
He expected it.
Feels bad anyway.
He crosses his arms.
Scrubs his face.
"I know."
"How's the knee feeling?" Maddie asks. He shuts the door to her Jeep. The physical therapy is working well enough. Still can't skate right. He shrugs, closing his eyes and tilting his head back. "That seems positive."
"Mom and Dad are on my fucking ass about university. I fucking said that I'll go to university next year after I've built up a fucking resume. But Mom is convinced I'm gonna fail at my life and die or something. And Dad keeps saying that I'm a fucking disappointment. And, like, I knew that already. I just-" He takes a deep breath and rubs his forehead. "Whatever. I- I think I left my phone somewhere in here, I wanna call James."
"You're not a disappointment, Evan, come on."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. It's- I don't care about what they think, Maddie. Just, please. Where's my phone?"
"I'll call it, okay?" She does and the moment he grabs it, he starts texting James. "You talk to him a lot, don't you?"
"Well, I guess, yeah. You know, he's my best friend-" Boyfriend. "Of, like three years." Of seven months. "So, I talk to him a lot." Maddie nods. She starts driving and he ignores her for the most part, stares at his phone. James has been off at university for a little too long. He's starting to suffer through withdrawal. He's been in another state for months already.
"Evan, you know that you can talk to me, right? About Mom and Dad?"
"Yeah."
"Do you want to?"
"Nope." James texts him back, talking about a class he's taking. He manages a little smile at the message.
"I know that they're shitty and that they're not easy on you, Evan. Please talk to me."
"About what? About how, now that their star player is gone, they don't give a fuck about me anymore? Or maybe you want me to talk about how I don't actually know what the fuck I'm doing with my life? Or did you want me to talk about the complete lack of support I've felt from you recently? It's us vs. them and we've always said that but recently, it's felt like it's me vs. them and you're off with Doug, ignoring the fucking rest of us! Don't go on about how you know they're hard on me, you don't know jack shit about what's been happening in that house since you left, you haven't been there in four years!"
And maybe he should feel bad because she's also had it rough, because she left so she could survive, or maybe cause it's not her fault. But he just needs to get angry. He doesn't know what he's doing with his life, their parents don't care about him, and he hasn't felt support from her but he can communicate that without making her nearly cry.
"Evan, I'm sorry, but-"
"I don't wanna talk about it. Drop me off at James' parents house, will you? They invited me for dinner."
"Okay." The drive is silent. She pulls into the driveway, parks. He doesn't get out right away. "I'm sorry if I've made you feel like you're not important to me. You are. And you can call me whenever, you can tell me about whatever. I'm sorry, Evan."
"Don't apologize, it's not your fault. I'm just not feeling very good right now. Physical therapy makes me annoyed sometimes, leaves me in a bad mood. I'm sorry, too."
"I'm sorry. Give me a hug?"
"Maddie."
"You're eighteen, you're not too old to give your sister a hug, get over yourself." He sighs and leans over the console to give her a hug. It's awkward. He's not a huge hugger. "Call me whenever, I'm never going to forget about you. It'll always be us vs. them."
"Promise?" She holds up her pinky finger. So does he.
"Promise."
"Maddie," He giggles into the phone.
"Are you- are you drunk, Evan?" She replies. "It's one in the morning, why are you calling me?"
"James is in university and I miss him and I can't call him to pick me up, Maddie." He starts crying almost immediately, slumping against the bathroom stall door. "I miss Jay."
"Um, how much have you had to drink tonight?"
"A lot. More than I shoulda. I'm- I don't feel so good, Mads." He gags slightly. "Fuck. Maddie."
"Where are you? I'll come get you, just, tell me where you are."
"I miss James. Why'd he have to go?"
"Okay. Evan, tell me where you are. It's way too late and you're clearly drunk. I'll pick you up. Tell me."
"I'm- I'm at a bar. I dunno. Gimme a moment." He figures it out after a few moments and send her his address, blinking drunkenly at his phone. "There. Got it?"
"Yeah. I'm coming now. Wait inside and I'll come get you, okay? Just sit tight." Ten minutes later and she's hauling him out of the bathroom, him nearly knocking her right over his with his weight. "Why were you out so late?"
"I was- I filled out a job form, okay? And then I started drinking. And I didn't stop!" She nods.
"Right, okay. You're so irresponsible sometimes, Evan." She wraps an arm around his waist and gets him into the Jeep's passenger seat, carefully arranging him and doing up his seatbelt. "Like you're a fucking kid again." He grins at her and then starts laughing when she glares back at him. She gets into the driver's seat and she starts driving as he makes car revving sounds in the passenger's. "What are you doing?"
"Vroom vroom," He mutters and starts giggling again. She grins. "I wanna call James. Where's my phone? I need my phone."
"James? Dude, it's three in the morning there, he's not up."
"James loves me, he'll pick up." She starts giggling with him.
"He loves you?" He nods.
"James and I are in love." She laughs harder at that and he doesn't know how to make her stop. He and James can be in love, why's she laughing? "We are!" He pouts.
"Oh my god. Shit, you're being serious. Are you- are you coming out to me right now? While you're drunk?" He stares at the side of her head for a moment before bursting into hysterical giggles. He's too drunk for serious conversations. He finds his phone and calls James, ignoring the fact that it definitely is three in the morning there. "Evan, don't bother him, he has class tomorrow!"
"It's not bothering him if it's my boyfriend, Maddie." James picks up on the third ring, his voice scratchy and hoarse, because he's just woken up. Evan grins at the sound of him saying hello.
"Buck? Everything okay? It's, like, three in the morning."
"I'm fine! I told Maddie about you. Cause I love you!" He shouts into his phone.
"You're drunk."
"Only on my love for you."
"Ooh, that was bad, Buckley. Goddamn. And what did Maddie say?"
"She started laughing, she thoughts I was joking. I'm angry."
"Are you angry about that?" Evan nods. James can't see. "Did she pick you up from the bar? You better not be fucking driving."
"She picked me up in her Jeep. I love the Jeep. Can you get me a Jeep for my birthday, Jay?"
"I'm too poor for that, sweetheart."
"Evan, we're here," Maddie says quietly. "I called James' parents, they said you could stay over at theirs for the night because Mom and Dad would kill you."
"Oh, yay! I love them!" He gasps. "James! James, I have to go, I'm gonna sleep."
"Yeah, sounds like you need it. I love you, Buckley."
"You too, Jay!"
"Bye."
"Bye!" Maddie helps Evan out of the car and to the door of James' parents' house. She keeps him upright and knocks on the door. Leaning down to whisper in Maddie's ear, he starts talking, "They also know about me and James. They're cool about it."
"You can't whisper when you're drunk, Evan, and we both know it. Just talk normally." He blinks and then starts pouting again. "Don't do that, you're nineteen, you pouting isn't cute anymore."
"You're so mean to me."
"I came and got you at one, shut the hell up." The door opens and James' mom smiles at him.
"Hi, Evan!" She's so cheerful and happy to see him, despite the fact that he's far too drunk and it's one in the morning.
"Hi!" He gasps. "How's it going?" She gives him a quick hug and then smiles at Maddie, too.
"Hi, Maddie. We've met a few times, yeah?" Maddie nods. "Nice to see you again. I can help him up to the couch, if you want?"
"Oh, would you? Thanks, I have to get home. Evan, sleep well. Be nice. And, I hope your hangover's okay." Maddie leaves and James' mom helps him settle himself on the couch. He stretches his legs out into the empty space and she leaves to get him a garbage and a glass of water. She's so much nicer than his mom. He misses having a mom like her. He didn't realize it was possible to miss something he never had.
By the time she comes back, he's crying into his hands on her couch. "Evan. Oh, Ev, what's wrong? Why're you crying?"
"I wanna have a mom like you," He sobs, moving his hands away. And she looks so heartbroken, staring at him with all that pity. And he doesn't know how to tell her how bad he feels or how much he hates his own mom. But she pulls him into a hug anyway, rubs his back. "I'm sorry."
"Why? Why are you sorry?"
"I shouldn't be crying."
"We cry when we feel bad, Evan, that's okay."
"Okay."
"I'm sorry you feel bad."
He just cries into her shoulder some more.
"It's a steady job and I've gotten into a good university," Evan tells James. James fixes him with a skeptical look but nods anyway. His summer holidays or whatever have brought him right back to Evan and his new apartment. "And aren't you happy that it got me enough money for a rad apartment?" James nods, twisting around on his couch.
"It's very bare though." Evan makes a face. "There's no posters, there's no plants- you like plants- and there's no personality to it. It has furniture or whatever, but nothing else." He shrugs.
"I never really decorated my room when I was growing up."
"That's so sad, holy fuck, Buckley."
"How?"
"We're gonna go get stuff to decorate your apartment with!" Evan grins. "Get dressed, hot stuff, we're going out."
"Ooh, call me hot stuff again."
"Insatiable. Go get dressed." He groans and gets up to go change out of his pajamas. "Hot stuff!"
"I hate you." It's true that his apartment is a little bare. The walls are a nice light green color but there's no decoration or posters or pictures or lights or books or anything he actually really likes or wants to show people. James takes him lots of places that day. They spend a lot of money. But it's a nice excursion and they get lots of things. "I'm gonna invite Maddie over and we can show her everything. That okay?" James nods, smiling at him from the floor by the couch. He's carefully laying all the posters Evan got out on the coffee table.
"Yeah, I love Maddie. Oh my god, Evan, I told you to put back the Silence of the Lambs poster! Why would you do this? It's a bad movie." Evan gasps and smacks him in the back of the head with a pillow. "What?"
"Bad movie? It's a great movie, it's terrifying! Did you know that, in the seen where Clarice and Hannibal first meet each other, Anthony Hopkins mocking her accent was improvised and she was genuinely horrified by him copying her accent?" James shakes his head.
"I didn't. How cool."
"It's a great movie." He stretches his bad knee out on the couch and rubs at it with a wince.
"Feeling okay?" Evan nods, though he continues to massage it. It has random pains and hurts a lot if he moves around too much. Walking all day would put him in pain. "You sure? You don't look okay."
"Uh, hurts a little. I'll tape it up while I call Maddie." He gets his good tape and his phone, calling her as he sits back on the couch. He puts it on speaker, throws it back onto the couch. "Maddie! James got into town yesterday, wanna come over to my place and see all the stuff we got for my apartment while we were out today?"
"Sure. Sure, just gimme a bit. I'll probably be there in ten minutes."
"Okay!" Evan hangs up, starts taping his knee. He has to do it on occasion, has to stretch it out. Otherwise it'll lock up and start to feel worse. "Can you believe she's still married to Doug?"
"Holy fuck, how?" James sets down the 'Beastie Boys' poster in his hands and turns back to Evan. "Listen, the elder Buckley is amazing and she needs to set her son of a bitch husband on fire before he tries to kill her." Evan flips him off but then leans down to kiss him anyway. "So hating on Doug is the best way to get you to do that?"
"No, all you have to do is ask." James climbs up onto the couch from off the ground, pushing Evan down onto the cushions. He grins, pulling him in by his waist. "I have missed you, Jay, oh my god."
"We're about to fall off the couch."
"It's okay, I'll save you." They're tumbling onto the floor soon enough, nearly landing on half of his new decor. That does not halt either of them, however, and they're back to it without checking on anything. Truly, he's just so happy to have James back. It's been a year of dating James but it's been eight since he moved away. Sure, Evan's seen him since then and they call and Facetime. But it's not the same for him, he likes having his partners right there. And he is, he is right there, under Evan.
He's missed James. But he's back for a little bit and Evan's getting his life together and the two of them can be a real, good couple. Not just two stupid guys.
"I love you so much, Buckley, fuck." He nods back, sliding down lower to press kisses all over James' throat.
"Move in with me."
"Huh?" James sits up slightly, pushing Evan's face off of him. "Evan?"
"Move in with me. Please? So that when you come home, you have a place you can call your own and so I can have a reminder of you everyday. I'll help you move in. Wouldn't it be cool if we did? Wouldn't it be awesome? I love you, Jay, and I wanna have a place with you, a life with you."
"Are you serious?" He nods. "You want me to move in with you?"
"It's been almost a year. Is that crazy?"
"No, no, of course not. I just- I just didn't know you were thinking that way." Evan moves a bit away, starting to itch at his knuckles. This doesn't sound like a yes.
"Jay, are you saying no?"
"No! No, I'm not saying no. I'm just- just not saying yes. I- I dunno if I can commit to that."
"Commit to that? James, we've been dating for a year!"
"I know, Buck, I know. Just, I don't know, moving in makes it all very real."
"I'm sorry, was it not real before? Was this just some fucking long con to you?" It's amazing how fast his mood can switch. He's standing up and away from James in seconds, arms folded over his chest.
"No, of course not! But there's a difference between being boyfriends and being boyfriends who live together and I dunno if I wanna do that!" Evan tilts his head.
"That kinda sounds like a fucking excuse, Jay-"
"No, it's not, I'm just not explaining it right. I'm just not- I'm not ready for that."
"Not ready for it. Okay. Okay, James. That's- that's fine. I want you out of here. Please leave."
"Buck-"
"Not ready for it? It's been a year, James, and I'm in love with you, that's pretty safe to say! And you're staying with me for the next, like, three months anyway! What's the fucking difference?"
"Moving in is official and I'm not- I'm not-" James stops himself, shaking his head.
"Not what?" He pushes. He just keeps shaking his head, not answering. And Evan's never known when to stop. "Not what, James, fucking answer me!"
"I'm not gay!" Evan stares at him. "I'm not going to move in with and commit to a man with my life. I'm happy with this but we both know this is not going to be our reality for the next five, ten, twenty years. I love you, Buck, and I love this but I'm not gay. And I'm not gonna be with you all of my life."
"Get the fuck out."
"Buck-"
"Get the fuck out of my fucking house. Leave. Now. I don't want you in here." Evan grabs James' keys, his jacket, the suitcase that's been sitting in his hallway that needs to be unpacked, and sets it by the door. "Out. Go to your parents' house. Out."
"This is crazy and you're fucking overreacting." Evan sits back on his couch and starts unwrapping the rest of his posters, ignoring James still standing there and yelling at him. "Was I really gonna be the whole rest of your life?" Yes. But he doesn't say that. "Evan-"
"No. No. Don't call me Evan. Don't call me anything. Leave my house. Please. Get out, get out!"
"Fine. Fine, I'll be at my parents' if you want to talk."
"I won't. Get out." James rolls his eyes and Evan watches as he leaves, taking his stuff with him. He should cry or something. Or be upset. He just unrolls his posters, smiling at the designs, the movies and the bands in front of him. He doesn't need James to have a good time. And Maddie will be there soon anyway. He'll have a fun time with her. And he'll get a new boyfriend someday. Fuck James, he doesn't need him for the rest of his life.
"Evan!" He looks up at the sound of Maddie's voice and his door opening. "Hey, what are you doing? And, wow, you look miserable."
"I just had a fight with James. I think I broke up with him."
"Think you did?"
"It wasn't very clear. I'd never really broken up with someone before. Chicks always dumped me."
"Do you have ice cream somewhere?" She asks. He shakes his head. "We're gonna go get some and you can tell me all about what happened, okay?" He nods and let's her pull him off the couch. They get into the Jeep and she starts to drive them to a store near his apartment. "What happened? Tell me."
"I just- I invited him to move in with me. I asked him to come move in with me cause it's been a year and I thought that's what people did and I thought it would be amazing to live with him, y'know? I like James- I love James. And I wanted to be with him always and wanted him to share my place. So I invite him to move in with me and he stops and looks at me like I'm fucking crazy, right?" She nods. "And he says- he fucking says, 'I'm not gay' and I didn't know what the fuck to say to that."
"Hold on. He's not gay but-"
"I know."
"But you two are-"
"I know."
"So he's-"
"I. Know."
"There's no way I'm hearing you right."
"I didn't know what the fuck to say." He sighs and they get out of the Jeep to go inside. It's cold inside. He follows her around the store as she heads to the frozen section. He's like her tall, scary guard dog. Except he's not that scary. She's scarier than he is. "Anyway, so, he tells me he's not gay, despite the fact that I've had my goddamn tongue down his throat." One woman gives him a weird look.
"Right. Cause that's- that's normal. Not gay."
"And he's talking about how he's not gay. What we have is great but he's not gay and he's not gonna commit to a man for the rest of his life and he can't honestly think I was going to."
"Oh my god. James sounds a little-"
"Crazy? Fucking insane? Yeah, I dunno what the hell he was thinking. Hold on, it gets worse."
"Worse?" She grabs some ice cream, handing them to him. He gets a little pile going in his arms. "Oh my god. Sounds like he was a real piece of work."
"He said that I'm great and what we have is great but it's not gonna last forever. He's all, 'I love you, Buck, but this is not gonna be forever.'" Maddie shakes her head. They pay, they leave, and he continues ranting.
"So what did you do?"
"What the fuck do you think I did? I told him to get the hell out."
"Good for you. Sticking up for yourself, Evan, hell yeah."
"I just don't know what to say, it was so weird." He shakes his head. They get back into the Jeep and he continues telling her about it and about James. By the end of his whole rant, he's at a point where he just despises the whole thing and despises James for his words. "I don't wanna stay with him. Even if he doesn't think we're broken up already, we will be."
"I cannot believe that happened. Really. That's crazy. I'm sorry, though, you really liked him."
"Whatever. I have a cool new job and I have some new friends and an apartment. And everything's going right for me now, right?"
"Right."
"And look at everything I've got for my apartment!" He announces. Quietly, he adds, "That you're going to help me put up."
"I heard that."
"No, you didn't."
"Show me."
"I'm gonna miss you so much, Evan. I can't believe you're moving to LA." Evan grins down at her, leaning against the side of the Jeep. She gave it to him for his birthday, when he said he was gonna move to LA. "You have to tell me all about it, okay? And you have to tell me what the ocean's like, I've never seen it."
"I think I'm most excited for the ocean," He replies. "That or starting university again."
"Did you set up a transfer or something? There's three more years, you have to have a transfer set up."
"I did, Mads, I promise. I've thought this all through, spent a few weeks setting everything up. Everything important is packed and being shipped over to LA. A few things I'm packing in the Jeep and driving over with me."
"Driving there is insane," Maddie tells him. "What if you crash?"
"I'm not gonna crash."
"What if something bad happens?" She asks. "I've seen what bad things can happen, Evan, I work in an ER."
"Will you stop panicking? It's not fun."
"It's a thirty-eight hour drive, assuming you take no stops to sleep or to eat."
"I might just sleep in the Jeep." Her increasingly annoyed expression is only slightly entertaining to him. "It'll be fine. I'm not stupid, Mads, I'll be just fine. You have my number, my LA friend's number, and the number of my new roommate. Call her if I don't call you at all in the next sixty hours."
"This is so stupid," She mutters. "But, fine. I guess you've got it all down. Fine. I love you." She reaches up to hug him. "And, please, I'm serious, drive safe."
"I know, I know. Stop insulting me and my intelligence by assuming I don't know how to drive safe."
"You're so annoying, that's why!" She squeezes him one last time and he smiles at her. "Okay. Call me on the road at least once so I know you're alive and okay." Maddie steps away so he can get into the Jeep. She still stands there and stares at him as he starts it up. "Bye!"
"Bye, Maddie! I love you!"
"Love you too!" He starts to back up and drives away and smiles as he sees her waving at him in the rear-view.
"I got this."