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“Why the long face, darling ?”
“..Ah, please don’t be silent. Your voice is beautiful, I’d like to hear it.”
Tsukasa frowned, staring at the pale hand he held in his. Although in the past he'd liked to compare this paleness to a soft glow unique to Rui, Tsukasa could now only curse it. He’s not cold yet, he told himself. His warmth was still perceptible.
“Won't you look at me ? I doubt there is anything worth your interest on my hand. There is nothing on it to begin with.”
Tsukasa raised his head, letting his eyes meet those of his beloved. Rui's eyes had always fascinated him, whether it was their color or the way they glowed when he had an idea in mind. Here again, their light was still present and Tsukasa had to resist and hold back his tears.
“Yes. You're right.” Tsukasa inhaled, feeling his voice shake but refusing to worry the other more than he already was . “I’m sorry, I couldn’t give it to you. The ring, I’ve always had it with me. I was scared, rightfully so ! But, I was being a coward.”
Rui hummed, and Tsukasa knew it meant he was thinking of a way to make him do something. He always did that and always succeeded. Tsukasa dreaded the request.
"Mh... I don't think it can be too late for that sort of thing. We're still together, aren't we? I'd be very happy if that could be my present-"
"Don't say it. I can't bear it, please, I don't want to hear it."
"Life doesn't end here, Tsukasa. At least, not yours." Rui sighed, taking his other hand to place it on his lover's cheek. "You're a dragon, I'm only human. You still have centuries to live and unfortunately I can't accompany you on all your adventures. Be happy, Tsukasa."
Tsukasa was often compared to fire. A bright, never ending fire, the sun’s copy. Thus, his weakness was water, and oh so troublesome water was. He struggled to put the ring on Rui’s finger, his tears were blurring his vision and had him stop several times to wipe his eyes. He could only thank the hand that was helping him in his task and apologize to the lips that couldn’t kiss his worries away.
“There. Now, Kamishiro Rui, you’re stuck with me forever, aren’t you ? That’s what you humans do, tying your life to another with love. You can't leave me anymore.”
“Aren’t you proud then ? Why aren’t you smiling ? I am.”
Rui was indeed smiling. It was a discreet smile, a smile that tried to be reassuring, a smile that required strength from him, but it was a smile nonetheless. Tsukasa felt himself falling in love all over again, and it only redoubled his crying. But Rui was right. He too was happy to be at his side. Squeezing his hand, Tsukasa smiled back.
“Tsukasa, please don’t forget.” A cough. But his smile didn't waver. “I want you to keep it in mind for as long as you breathe and even beyond.”
“I love you”
“My dear Tsukasa.”
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Dreams tend to reflect one's mind…
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“You should let go of me, now. I don’t have much time left.”
“I’m afraid I have to refuse. I vowed to follow you wherever you go and to keep serving you until my last breath.”
Tsukasa sighed. A weak but gentle sigh Rui wouldn't have the chance to hear anymore if his hands left his king's cape. What fools people were. How dare they demand the execution of their king, him who had devoted his entire life to their happiness? Did they really think that bloodshed would bring them any satisfaction? ...Why was this stupid king so generous? Why had he accepted his fate? Did he have no thought for poor, poor Rui, who would be left alone, with no light to turn to? What a terrible injustice.
“Why don't we run together ? Just you and me, far away, in a land that doesn’t care about us and will let us live in peace ? I.. Maybe you couldn’t live this extravagant life anymore but I’m sure I can make it bearable, I can do anything for you ! Just.. Please, don’t go.”
“Rui.”
Betraying himself, Tsukasa turned back to the mess before him in his arms. Could he miss this once his consciousness was no more ? What a strange and mysterious concept death was. Still, he lovingly caressed his attendant’s hair as Rui wetted his shoulders with unstoppable tears. He wanted time to stop, he wanted the gods to grant him a single wish ; to love and grow old with Rui in another life. His first and final selfish wish.
"Aren't you supposed to be the smarter of the two of us? You should know that, as tempting as this option is, it's impossible. I mean, we have a chance of escaping them, I’ll admit it, but the risk of us getting found and them ending your life along with mine is too important for me to dare try to run away."
“What if it was for the better ?”
Oh, how Rui wished despair wasn’t clouding his mind and he kept those words for himself. He never thought Tsukasa could make such an expression, and he was the one to cause it. But wasn’t Tsukasa being unfair as well, worrying about his life while not caring about his own ? Then again, what could Rui say if changing his mind was impossible ?
Was it possible for him to change people’s mind instead ? Would they listen to him and reconsider ? No. No, they wouldn’t. Everything is too well planned to leave any room for doubts. Yet.. Rui still can’t understand their reasoning. He had to keep thinking, keep searching for a solution, for a happy ending of this story. Perhaps they could mislead the town people, fake their king's death, hide somewhere nobody knows, perhaps should they fight them themselves ?
Rui’s grip on Tsukasa tightened. As stupid and heartless others were acting, if they knew one thing about Tsukasa, it’s that he was the opposite of a coward. Never would he take his own life, not even to have control over his death. As for fighting the whole town, they were simply far too many. Rui didn’t want to turn his head to see he failed to protect his beloved. Maybe this scenario was even worse than the one they were currently in.
“Say Rui, could I ask you one, no, two final favors ?”
Tsukasa's hands were trembling as much as Rui's, if not more. How could he ever refuse?
“Anything.”
“Seal our farewell with a kiss. Let me taste your lips before I go.”
If there was one thing Rui was certain of, it's that he was a weak man. And even with red, puffy eyes and his cheeks stained with tears, Tsukasa was the most beautiful man the world has ever seen.
Rui ran ever faster, his knuckles white from his grip on the crown and his eyes getting blurry again as he heard faint noises of a door being forced open and shouts. Tsukasa's final wish. His escape.
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But which part comes from their imagination and which one is a forgotten memory ?
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“My love, my dearest lily, are you still awake ?”
“I am. Are you ?”
“You should know I won’t close my eyes until you’re asleep. I’ll stay there with you.”
“Of course you would, I shouldn’t expect anything less from you. I do know you inside and out.”
Birds could faintly be heard singing from far away. The garden didn’t have any, truth be, there wasn’t a single animal nor a single insect in Rui and Tsukasa’s special place. There, they held many dates and shared many memories, some fleeting and some unforgettable. The tree they were both sitting against was the same one Rui used the shade to hold his proposal. He remembers Tsukasa crying for so long, but his smile was so radiant Rui couldn’t help but cry with him. It’s only fitting for them to rest against this same tree, hand in hand.
“Say Rui, do you think Emu and Nene will be angry at us for missing their wedding ?” Tsukasa inquired. He was playing with Rui’s ring, something Tsukasa did a lot when he was worried. Rui couldn't help but smile at the endearing act. Even if years passed, he loved his husband as if his life depended on it. Perhaps it did.
“Honey, they know we’re tired, I don’t think they have it in their heart to think of us any less because of it.” Rui laughed and rejoiced in the small smile gracing Tsukasa’s lips. It’s a sight he’ll never get tired of. “I do think they might get a bit upset but they’ll understand. I’m pretty sure they’ll visit us as soon as the ceremony ends.”
Tsukasa let out a sigh of relief. His friends had always held a special place in his heart, and missing such an important event that was the union between two of his best friends must have taken its toll. Rui had been the same, and it was only after a good hour of being scolded by Nene that he accepted that they would never hold it against them and that feeling guilty would only ruin their marriage. Who was Rui to doubt her word?
"I wonder if Saki's alright." Tsukasa murmured. It was enough to get Rui's attention. "I'm really glad she's with her friends now, I hope she'll have the future she dreamed of. If anyone can do it, it's her!"
“I agree, they’ve made a lot of progress since their start, haven’t they ?”
“They did, I’m happy for them.”
The wind blew softly in the garden and Rui had the urge to tug his lover’s hair behind his ear. When he did, he was rewarded with Tsukasa’s warm smile, then a kiss on his chapped lips. What a romantic moment, would it be bad to break it with tears ? He must have been obvious because he felt a gentle hand caressing his cheek.
“Shh, I’m here Rui, aren't I ? You're here as well with me, that’s all we need now. I couldn’t dream of a more perfect life than one spent with you by my side.” Tsukasa's eyes lowered to the band on their ring fingers. “I am so proud to be able to call you mine, and so grateful to be yours. I love you Rui, forever and ever.”
Ah, what did Rui do to deserve Tsukasa ? Of course, there was nothing to cry for, not when he wasn’t alone. Tsukasa wouldn’t leave him, even after the end of time.
“I love you too, my lily, more than you could ever know. Words fail me to confess how dear you are to me.”
After a bit, they both chuckled, a bit flustered by their sappy words. Yet, they were both so happy, they couldn’t dream of living another life that wasn’t this one.
“I think I’m falling asleep, Rui. Will you truly be there with me ?”
Said man squeezed Tsukasa's hand to comfort him. “Always. Now rest, my love. I’ll join you soon.”
With a last kiss, Tsukasa closed his eyes, resting his head on Rui’s shoulders. Rui’s gaze lingered on his husband's resting face before looking up at the sky. It was beautiful, he would never get enough of it.
Then finally, it was too hard to stay awake. With the bit of strength he had left, Rui deposed his final kiss on Tsukasa's temple before falling asleep.
The garden was the perfect place to rest. They would never wake up again, yet the smile on both of their faces couldn’t be mistaken for anything but happiness.
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Can a memory be recovered, or is it doomed to remain lost? What about the memory of a lost love?
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“We meet again, it seems. I would have liked it if the place was.. less hostile, to say the least.”
“Shut up, Rui. Now’s not the time.”
“So cruel, can’t you be even a bit polite ?”
Tsukasa raised an eyebrow at the demand. Screams of agony could be heard from all sides, along with the clash of swords. The battlefield wasn’t exactly the right place to discuss anything nicely in Tsukasa’s mind, even more when the one who wished to talk was supposed to be his enemy. Tsukasa shouldn’t expect any less from Kamishiro Rui, a renown sorcerer who happened to be his lover. Or was his lover, Tsukasa wasn’t sure and he feared the answer.
The air was tense between them, Tsukasa’s grasp on his sword was firm while magic surrounded Rui, like a threatening aura. Yet, they only kept staring at each other, no one was willing to attack the other. Tsukasa was feeling goosebumps, as if his body was urging him to do something yet his brain was freezing. Would he harm the one he still loved and stay loyal to his kingdom ? How could Rui look so composed ?
“What are you planning now ? Why do we have to stand on opposite grounds, Rui ? Why don’t you come back with me ? Maybe his Majesty could forgive you and we could live together once more.”
“Would he, Tsukasa-kun ? Or would he ask for my head ? Why aren’t you the one to join me ? I miss you.”
If Tsukasa didn’t know Rui as much as he did, he would have missed the way his voice was shaking and his hand clenching around nothing. Did Rui think leaving was an option for him ? He spent his life in this kingdom, he wasn’t ready to face the unknown, no matter how many trusting hands were reaching for him.
“I could say the same. Are you even aware of the number of your people I killed ? My hands are tainted in blood.”
“I could talk to them, you shouldn’t underestimate what I would do to be with you.”
“Even if you left me ?”
Rui lowered his head in guilt, his mouth opening and closing without a sound, looking for the right words to say that could change Tsukasa’s mind. Said knight put his sword back in its place, it was no use to fight Rui, they both wouldn’t dare to hurt the other badly. There was even a chance of them understanding each other and coming up with a compromise.
“Tsukasa-kun, I understand that those are just words but please, forget that kingdom that only sees you as a weapon and come with me to a land where outcasts are accepted and where we can live in peace. With you by my side, no one could ever stop us ! Please, Tsukasa-kun, won’t you be mine again ?”
There it was, the tender smile who stole Tsukasa’s heart. Despite his unsure face, Tsukasa knew how to recognize genuine feelings. Rui wouldn’t deceive him after all, the same couldn’t be said for Tsukasa. So, with a smile of his own, Tsukasa walked to Rui to take his hand.
“Would it be alright ? Would you forgive my sins ?”
“I already did.” How happy Rui was. Finally, finally his love came back to him. The only thing left to do was win the war they were in, and by the look of it, Rui’s side was winning. He could watch as knights, sorcerers and others get nearer to the castle with each passing second. All his worries could disappear and he couldn’t wait for his life to turn for the better.
“But I didn’t, Rui. Who are you even talking to ?”
With a questioning noise, Rui looked in Tsukasa’s direction only to see his empty hand. Weird. Did Tsukasa step back while he was lost in thoughts ? His search was quickly interrupted when he stopped looking straight ahead.
Standing a few meters away from him laid his lover’s corpse, his own sword through his chest. The blood was long dried but his body was still intact, conserved in a spell. Around him was nothing, a devastated land who witnessed a war a year ago. They had won, but at what cost ?
Tsukasa never had the chance to join Rui’s side. He didn’t have the chance to meet Rui’s new friends or visit his home. He died by his own hand, overwhelmed by his guilt. Rui was stuck in his own fantasy.
“It’s been so long, my love. I beg you, come back to me.”
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What are the limits of love if even death can't stop it?
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Silence.
Tsukasa hated silence. There was so much to say, so much to ask yet no words were willing to spill out of his closed lips. He stared at the beaten up man kneeling before him, praying for him to be the one to talk, to explain, to beg for his forgiveness, anything to interrupt this oppressing silence. Yet, when said man lifted his head to meet his eyes, Tsukasa wished he left and never turned back.
"What a cold stare you have, officer. I could believe I'm already dead if you keep looking at me like that."
Such insolence for a criminal. Has he nothing better to do than to aggravate his case? Is he unaware of his upcoming punishment, or does he want to make it worse? Perhaps is he looking for an ounce of pity. Tsukasa doesn't have any, not anymore. That smile didn't belong on Rui's face. Why was he smiling?
"Do you truly think you're in a position to complain or demand the slightest change? You betrayed your people, risked starting a war and would have wiped out an entire city if you'd gone through with your plan. Your sentence has already been decided and you should be begging me to plead for your case."
“Mmh”, Rui sing-songed, without a care in the world. What’s with this nonchalance ? Tsukasa was tired, mad and betrayed. He didn’t know Rui anymore, did he know anything in the first place ? Or was everything a lie ? What was there to believe anymore, Tsukasa didn’t wish to know. “Would you try to rescue me ? Would you carry me in your arms while we run away ? What are you without me ?”
Rui smiled triumphantly, as if he knew he was right. He'd never taken Tsukasa seriously, or at least he didn't take his anger seriously. In his eyes, his threats were just lies, an attempt to scare him. Tsukasa's blood boiled in his veins. He'd given so much for this monster. He demanded so much of Rui in return that he welcomed the trust he shared with him. What was Rui trying to achieve by saying 'I love you' to him a few months ago? What did he have in mind when he held his hand and kissed him so gently? Tsukasa was ill. Just the thought of their lips pressed together made him want to vomit. Yet he had to keep his composure; he wouldn't flinch in front of such nonsense.
“Is this truly what you expect of me ? Do you believe I would free you of your restraints and let you escape ? Tell me, do you think you deserve it ?”
“I thought I told you I would never be a believer.” Rui laughed, as if it was funny. Tsukasa grimaced. “You’ll help me escape, dear Tsukasa-kun. You love me after all.”
Ah. So this was it, wasn’t it ? This made a lot of sense. He wasn’t even surprised, as deep inside him, this answer screamed to be heard since he felt the ropes around his wrists. Tsukasa, always rational, trusted against his will. He loved, of course he loved, he had so much to share. His torn heart was still full of affection and was trying to put itself back together but his mind ignored its pleas.
Tsukasa didn't even realize when he jumped on Rui and put his hands around his neck. It must have been instinctive, just like the fact that Tsukasa had to hold back so as not to strangle him. He couldn't risk killing him, not wanting to become a criminal himself. To his satisfaction, Rui looked taken aback, not expecting to witness this amount of spite in Tsukasa's eyes.
“Where's the limit between a fool and a liar ? Maybe you’re right on it. Let me be clear with you, if I had a say in your sentence, you'd be dead. The court had mercy thanks to the people you tried to exterminate who begged for an exile. I won’t ever believe your lies, I won’t ever indulge you. I prefer death over meeting you again.”
It seems Tsukasa efficiently silenced Rui. Tsukasa sighed before standing up, not trusting what he could do now that his anger grew. He swallowed the shattered belief of Rui trying to fix things, the false hope he had when entering the room. With a click of his heels, Tsukasa turned and walked towards the door, set on never searching for purple hair and gold eyes among the crowd. He was done here.
"I did love you." a weak voice said behind him. If Rui had said those words a few minutes ago, perhaps Tsukasa would have turned around and reciprocated the sentiment.
However, it was too late.
"Bullshit."
The door was slammed shut.
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Perhaps, in the end, the answer didn't matter. Maybe the important thing is to cherish the ones we have as long as they're with us.
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"Tsukasa-kun!"
The latter gasped before abruptly turning his head towards the person who had called him. Rui was standing not so far from him, the robot he'd been working on abandoned on his sofa. His hand clasped Tsukasa’s shoulder and Rui scanned his face as if looking for answers. Why look like that when everything was fine?
"Rui? What's the matter? Is everything okay?"
Rui looked even more conflicted and concerned, leaving Tsukasa motionless, not sure of what to do to appease his worries. As he was about to bring a hand to his chin 'because looking deep in thoughts is essential to a good reflexion', he felt himself being dragged in a tight hug from none other than his best friend.
"Don't scare me like that again, will you? I didn't know what to do, you were crying and you wouldn't wake up ! What would I do without my shining star?"
The memory of his dreams resurfaced. Could he really call them 'dreams' when everything seemed so real? But if Rui was telling the truth, and his body really had reacted to what he'd imagined, Tsukasa was sure Rui had seen more than just a few tears. Tsukasa hugged him in silent apology. It was all horrible, and if he had his way, Tsukasa would never want to live through those nightmares again. He much preferred the reality in which he lived, the reality where he and Rui live in the best of all worlds.
“I’m sorry Rui, it was just nightmares. I'm sorry for making you worry but everything is fine now. I’m here and you are, what could I ask for more ?”
“A lot, actually”, Rui joked as a way to calm their fast heartbeat. “What does this future star want from his humble director ? There’s magic in each of my fingertips, your wish is always my command.”
“Is it really ?”
“It is. For you, it always was and always will be.”
Tsukasa is far from an expert in romance. He needed someone to point it to him to begin noticing it, and even once he did, he didn’t understand it. What was the point ? Could it really make one happy to the point where they would willingly share their life with another soul ? But now, with everything he saw, Tsukasa started to understand the appeal of it, the importance of truth before it was too late and the pain of ending up alone. Whatever the end, being with your loved one, even a day, was worth it. Tsukasa had to act about his newfound feelings, finally noticing Rui’s.
“I want you, actually. Your lips on mine. Your heart too. Be mine, Rui, and let me be yours. That’s all I wish for right now.” Tsukasa confessed with a quiet voice. He didn’t need to speak any louder, he knew Rui heard him loud and clear by the choked noise hé made.
“Tsukasa-kun ?! Why.. I mean, where does that come from ? Are you sure of what you’re saying ?”
Rui stepped back to stare at Tsukasa, completely taken aback from the sudden confession. But Tsukasa’s eyes were full of determination. He knew what he wanted and not doing anything when he was sure of himself was un-star-like.
“Do you need time to think about it ? I could leave. But mark my words, Kamishiro Rui. This future star chose you to be the object of his love !”
A moment passed before Rui laughed and laughed. While he didn’t understand why, Tsukasa could only enjoy the sound. Has he ever enjoyed it as much ? He was sure to notice it more starting from now.
Wiping the tears that began to appear on the corner of his eyes, Rui let out a fond sigh. He was smiling, good. Without a word, he leaned towards Tsukasa and stole his breath in a loving, warm kiss. Tsukasa didn’t know how he could have waited so long to feel it, his senses were full of Rui and he couldn't ask for anything else.
“Of course I want to be yours, Tsukasa-kun. You don't know how much I yearned for your love.”
Rui was too beautiful for Tsukasa to not kiss again. The rest of the day was filled with laughter, kisses and fun. Maybe, Tsukasa thought, maybe having dreams was a good thing.