Chapter Text
Take me forever
Forever ain't long
Back where it started
Before the hurt came along
The truth is that knowin'
Only makes it feel wrong
So we go right back
To that old feeling
We want it to be
The song pierced through Sam’s dream so much that it forced him to wake up. For a moment he wanted to snap at his brother for playing music so loud while he was sleeping, especially when he had one of those rare nice dreams. He only needed a moment to change his tune, realizing it was a petty complaint. Between the two of them, he was still the one getting more rest.
“What song is this?” he asked instead. “I don’t think I heard it before.”
Dean glanced at him and quickly switched to a classic rock radio channel. “Dunno, I didn’t really notice what was on.”
“Weird, I could have sworn I heard you humming to it.”
“Ha, that’s a good one!” his brother said unenthusiastically.
Sam was tempted to point out that it certainly happened and it wasn’t just a joke, but he restrained himself to just smirk a little. There were more important things to talk about. “So where are we heading now?”
“I guess you were too much of a sleepyhead to hear me when I talked about it earlier,” Dean replied.
“Can you blame me? We’re spending the night on the road instead of…” He stopped himself, knowing there was no point in fighting over not getting a proper night of sleep this time either. “Mind if you give me the run down again?”
“Alright. I found us a case in a little town in Nevada and we’re almost there.”
“What’s that about?” Sam asked.
“Honestly, I don’t really know. It’s not something we’ve seen before. In the span of only two weeks, there was a huge spike in reported depression cases and suicides among women. And the cherry on top? Most of them had burns on one of their wrists.”
“The same wrist for all of them?”
“No, but still… It’s suspicious, isn’t it?”
Sam let out a sigh. “I don’t know, it could be caused by completely normal events. What if there’s some issues around the area that made women there feel generally worse? Burns aren’t hard to get either.”
“Really?” his brother said unhappily.
“Sorry, Dean, but none of that narrows it down to monsters. Why are you convinced this is our kind of case?”
“Gut feeling, Sammy, you need to learn to trust that already!”
Sam looked at his brother’s determined face. Sam was used to seeing him bury himself in hunting to avoid thinking about the past traumatic experiences, but not to this degree. He was itching to hunt 24/7 ever since Cas died, even though there were noticeably less monsters active in the world nowadays. There were still plenty left to kill, of course, but they were found rarely enough for a number of hunters to peacefully retire and it wasn’t hard to see why. With Rowena as the queen of hell, demons weren’t bothering humans anymore. WIthout Chuck trying to write interesting, dramatic stories, there were no end of the world threats showing up these days. And with Jack in charge of Heaven, the angels kept their distance from humans again… including Cas apparently. Sam was convinced Jack must have revived him, but Dean wasn’t for some reason. Either way, the world felt like a much safer place to live in now, at least by the usual supernatural standards.
“So what is your gut feeling telling you this is?” Sam humored him.
“Not much. If the vics were children, maybe it could be a type of Striga, but everyone I found was between 20 and 40 years old. This monster sure has a type!”
Sam was relieved to hear that at least every victim was grown up. Hunting monsters that went after children was especially tough… All that was assuming that this was indeed caused by a monster, and he still wasn’t sure of. But knowing how devastated by Cas’ death Dean still was, Sam couldn’t bring himself to protest too strongly about this trip to Nevada. After all, the best he could do to help his brother right now was to just be by his side.
He let out a sigh. “Yeah, alright. I still think it sounds like a wild goose chase, but that’s most of what we have these days anyway.”
“Good to have you on board,” Dean replied. “I wrote down some notes on the case already. Look in the compartment.”
Now being fully woken up, Sam quickly found the notes and read them. Aside from what Dean already told him, there were three names and their details. Natasha Hall was already dead. Everly Waller had checked in a mental health hospital recently, but she was back home, declaring that she was feeling much better. Olivia Roberts was currently held in a normal hospital after she had barely survived her suicide attempt of swallowing too many pills.
“I already called some of them or their families and all seems to be a dead end,” Dean added.
“Then how about a stakeout? Olivia seems like she could use the extra eyes on her.”
“Sounds good to me.”
“A proper break would also sound good, how about we take that after this hunt?” Sam tried his luck. “We spent an entire week in that forest for the wendigos. How did you even find a new case in less than a day?”
“I don’t like wasting time.”
“Riiight. So about that break?”
“Hmm, maybe, I kinda miss showering at home.”
That “maybe” didn’t sound too convincing, but Sam was at least happy to see that Dean still considered the bunker his home, even without Cas being there.
Oh, well, perhaps the reason he was not spending much time in the bunker was precisely because it was the last place that still had traces of Cas, from his name carved in the table to the last bottle of beer he drank with them, which Dean was refusing to throw away even months later. Unfortunately, there were a lot of things Dean was refusing to do, for example getting enough sleep or explaining what exactly happened the day Cas died. Sam asked a few times about it, but the pain seemed to be still too raw for his brother, so he had to give up on pushing that conversation too far. All he managed to find out was that their friend called the Shadow to kill both himself and Billie, who was close to ending Dean at the time, but surely there was more to it. There must have been something he said or did to make Dean so unwilling to talk about that incident. This wasn’t the first time Cas had died, but the hunter had an even harder time coping with it than before.
“Could it be a ghost?”
Sam flinched, being taken out of his thoughts. “What?”
“This monster. Do you think it’s a ghost that possesses people into offing themselves?” Dean asked.
“It’s not impossible, but a ghost that moves around so much is rare.”
“We should make a bet on it and if it’s a ghost I win,” his brother insisted with a smile almost wide enough to hide his obvious eye bags.
Sam didn’t answer since he didn’t like jumping to conclusions and he didn’t want to diminish Dean’s joy by saying something wrong by accident. He planned to do more research about the case once they’d get to a motel room, but until he had other stuff to check up on. He got his phone out of his pocket and started going through his messages and missed calls. There were still a lot of hunters counting on him for answers or just to check in if they are still alive and well.
As he kept scrolling, he arrived at a chat that was especially important to him - the one with Eileen. His fingers itched to type so many questions, especially whether she was safe or not. Even after everything that happened, she found solace in hunting by herself and Sam was doing his best to respect her choice and keep his worries to himself. It was no easy task considering he had lost her before and had no idea if bringing her back once more would have been possible anymore.
But there was one more thing that bothered him about this. It was hard enough to imagine himself retiring from hunting considering that Dean was still going strong. Would Eileen consider giving up on the hunter life? Some part of him still dreamt of a future where he’d settle down and live happily with his wife and maybe even children. Was Eileen thinking about the same thing? He couldn’t really guess and that was making him feel more stressed about it than he would have expected. Even after facing countless evils and God himself, the incertitude if she’d accept to be his wife was hard to bear. Of course, he could always have a casual conversation with her about the idea, but what would he then have to do if she reacted positively to it? What was he supposed to do about Dean, who’d still recklessly hunt by himself?
He let out a sigh, feeling like an idiot. Was it even the right moment to think about proposing? He found it easy enough to find a proper ring for it and he had been close to buying it, but everything else was much harder to deal with.
“What’s with that sad dog face?” his brother asked.
Sam was sure that Dean was exaggerating about his expression. “Nothing.” He couldn’t bring himself to talk to Dean about these thoughts, especially when not even half a year had passed since Cas died. Granted, it wasn’t as if the angel and Dean were engaged before that, but they could have just as well been. Dean could act as reserved as he wanted, but Sam wasn’t stupid. Just because Dean wasn’t directly saying how he felt about Cas it didn’t mean that his eyes didn’t betray it every time the topic of their dead friend was brought up.
“Really?” Dean insisted. “Because you only make that expression when Eileen isn’t around. You’re such lovebirds…”
Sam felt as if it was too early for Dean’s jokes, but it was also too early to argue about them. “Go on, say how sappy and stupid it is…”
Dean’s expression turned unusually serious for a talk like that. “I never said it’s stupid.”
“Yes, you did.”
“Okay, fine, maybe I did once or twice. But you have to admit, it was weird seeing my little nerd brother dating such hot chicks. Anyway, I really am happy for you now, Sammy. I think it’s nice you have that with Eileen. I wish…” He shook his head and he put his usual expression back on his face. “I wish I got rid of this annoying headache already.”
Sam realized that it had been indeed a very long time since Dean seriously made fun of his relationship, so he decided to let it go too. Still, that didn’t mean he also needed to let go of how his brother kept dodging occasions to rest properly. “Oh, you meant the headache you’re probably having from the lack of sleep?”
“What are you talking about? I already slept for two hours today.”
“That’s not even a little bit funny. I know we skipped a lot of sleep in our lives, but now there’s no Apocalypse going on anymore and there’s a lot of hunters I can call to deal with it in our place. The only reason we’re still doing cases back to back is because you’re insisting on it.”
“I’m fine, Sammy. I’m not some old man, I’m still in my best years!” The smirk on his lips didn’t reach his eyes and was shortly interrupted by a yawn.
“No, you’re not fine,” Sam insisted unhappily. “At least take a nap in the car too.”
“I will when I need it.”
“So right now?”
Dean scoffed. “Fine, fine, stop with the nagging!”
Once Dean stopped the car and they switched places, Sam was happy to finally see his brother close his eyes. It took him less than a minute to fall asleep, leaving Sam alone with his own thoughts. He couldn’t help but think that Dean would take slightly more care of himself if Cas was still around, so he prayed to him once again, but it was as unhelpful as ever. He let out a sigh. Every time he attempted that, he knew it was a ridiculous idea, but a part of him still hoped that one of these days the absent angel would see the way Dean was barely living and come down to nag him about it. Sam himself would have liked to see their friend one more time, if anything to at least say goodbye to him properly… No, who was he trying to fool? He didn’t like saying goodbye and he didn’t want to have to do it again. All he was hoping for at that point was seeing Dean be genuinely happy again and then figure out what to do about himself and Eileen going forward.